4 Months on Testosterone Update                                                    Febuary 8th 2002 Well it's already been 4 months, since i started T. Alot of people are saying ''wow'' and ''congragulations'' for all my wonderful progress thus far. When it came time to do this update, i was very hesitant at first, due to the fact that in the last past month, not much has changed. Things have just kinda ''leveled out''...Being on T is NOT as exciting as it was when i first started. At this point, i do not feel like my changes are any sort of big deal. It all feels so natural and i often forget that i actually have to go to a clinic to get these hormones injected into my body. What i know is that, T has definetly made my life alot easier/more positive. I am alot happier then i was pre-T. I am not completely happy, but who is anyways??? In this last month there has been alot of focus on my birth parts. This results in me being overly emotional and very negative minded. I am jealous of bio males (birthborn males). I am more jealous then jealous can be...I do not understand why i was born with what i was born with...i just dont get it...and i never will. I do not go around telling people i am a transexual. I like to try to pass as bio and its none of anyones business what is under my clothes. In my mind and what i try to believe is that : 1- I DO HAVE A PENIS/COCK/DICK...i honestly do...its just not like other boys...its obviously smaller and my bottom surgery will not be to ''add a dick to me'' it will be to enlarge my penis...whichever procedure i have 2- MY CHEST IS JUST OVERSIZED PECS...i am very small to start out and i like to believe i just have too much pectorial skin on my chest and so when i get my top surgery, it will not be a ''breast reduction''...it will just be to remove a little access skin that i do not know how the hell it got there... I am GOING to have my TOP surgery in the end of this year. I have worked out how i am going to fianace it and i am pretty sure i will be having it done by Dr. Brownstein in SF. I do not have a surgery date as of yet but i will keep u all posted...I am in the process of getting my sex changed on my ID and it will all be completed by next months update. Currently the sex portion on my ID's is KNIFED OUT (literally) because its a lie and its stupid and i will not tolerate it !!!! I would also like to say, i am aware that i am in denial about my past life as well as alot of other things. But fuck man, there is just too much emotional stress and heart ache attached to everything. I have BLOCKED out almost all of my childhood and everything else that involved me living a lie as a differnt gender... IN MY HEAD THE DOCTOR WAS A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR LIEING TO MY PARENTS ABOUT MY ''SEX'' AT BIRTH AND SO THAT IS WHY I WAS RAISED AS not male...I recently told my mother of my belief and she said to me ...'' I am sorry that i raised you as something you were not...But hey atleast look at it like this ... all that femminity stuff really paid off because look at what a great fag u are today ''... This made me feel alot better. NOTE: The word fag was not used as a negative insult...but in a positive form...Anyone that knows me, knows damn well that i am the BIGGEST FLAMER to walk this earth... I AM NOT A DIVA...I AM THE DIVA