*Emotional Aspcets*
This last month has been nothing but hardcore emotional breakdowns. I have decided not to publically write about them due to the fact that i am doing alot better then i was and do not want to be reminded of how i was doing...I will tell you though, that alot/pretty much all of my problems were based on my biological genitals. It takes alot now and days to get me depressed and if i am, i can always point my finger at this subject because its mainly the only thing that upsets me. There was much focus on surgery and sexual activity. I date and fuck biological males and there has been some jealous issues of how i want my body to look and comparing myself to them. I have extremely big issues with receiving sex, which bothers me greatly, but its how i am and how ive been and emotionally i just can not get myself where id like to be...it hurts to much. I am hoping this will change, after surgery.
On a better note:
*I went to see my gender therapist and found out i can get my letter for srs whenever i need it. I also contacted Dr.Browstein and will be setting up an appointment to meet with him/get a surgery date. I am able to finance this surgery because: 1- i have saved up money and 2- my mom is going to loan me the rest need (thank heaven for mothers like mine!!!) I am hoping to get my surgery in the beginning of May 2002 because i plan on moving out to San Francisco by the end of May 2002.
*I am now legally male. I got my letter from my therapist to change all my records and get a new ID card w/DMV. This makes me as happy as i was when i first started T...kinda like the first time u get laid and your like holy shit - yay - i did it - im so cool type of thing... Okay i am full of myself but i have every right to be!
*Something else i would like to add is i was considering taking my website down or just stopping it for awhile because i felt as if i was lying to the world about how i represent myself. I will honestly tell everyone that is reading this: I DO NOT ID AS TRANSGENDER/TRANSEXUAL ... I ID AS MALE...NOT TRANSMALE OR TRANNYBOY OR FTM... I do not feel this label is appropriate and does not make me comfortable...I have ALWAYS felt this way and starting t and becomming legally male and having surgery comming soon did not in any shape or form encourage my belief.
I DO HOWEVER present myself as this label, for my website/educational purposes. I believe i was born a male and that something went terribly wrong with my private parts and my surgery is to fix them how they should be. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with feeling/thinking/living this way. I do not see it as lieing to myself. I am not transphobic or trying to mock the community. I am living my life for myself and this makes me happy...
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