The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartenders says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
The bartender obliges him.
The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."
So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.
So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"
So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."
The bartender turns, looks at him and says, ''Sorry sir, we don't serve food here!!''
The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''
The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''
''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''
''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''
“Hey, what's that?”
“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”
“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”
“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
A: They're all married.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.