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40' Long and Stinky

Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at the nursing home.

6.9

Q: What is a 6.9? A: A 69 interupted by a period.

69

asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

80-Pounder

Q: Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? A: People say he was half-nuts!

3 Men, 3 Wishes

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

Camoflauge Clothing

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. "Get my brown pants."

Captain Hook's Death

Q: How did Captain Hook die? A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!!

Car Crash

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'

Carpet

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know. When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. ''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''

Caution: Condom Crossing

Q: Why'd the condom cross the road? A: He got pissed off!

Chillin' Biddies

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.

Christmas Carol Parrot

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot. "It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?" "Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'" "Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought. "Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this." Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.' "That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked. "I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

Christmas Cookie Dough

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs. ''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.'' "Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.'' "Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came. ''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

Church

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. ''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''

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