PAPABEARS JOKE PAGE
A hunting story
Do you know Jack?
Three hunters decided if they got separated or lost, they would use the yodelling cry "oh-lady-hoo" to help locate each other. One hunter got lost and yelled "oh-lady-hoo" until he was hoarse but to no avail. When it began to get dark, he gave up trying to find his friends, saw light at a nearby farmhouse, knocked on the front door and asked the farmer if he could stay the night. "No problem," he said, "I've got a spare room you're welcome to use." Toward morning, the hunter was awakened by the farmer's young daughter as she slipped into his bed. In no time at all they were going at it hot and heavy and in a few minutes she had an orgasm. Her cries of ecstasy soon brought an angry father into the bedroom. He had a loaded shotgun and said to the hunter, "You better get dressed real fast `cause you and me are going down to the barnyard to see if you can haul ass fast enough to outrun a load of buckshot!"
As soon as they reached the barnyard, the frightened hunter took off like a scalded cat, jumped high in the air to clear the barnyard fence, thought of his missing friends, yelled "oh-lady-hoo" and instantly received a full load of buckshot in his rear end.
As he lay on the ground bleeding profusely, the farmer walked up and said, "I know my daughter pretty well and had my mind halfway made up not to shoot. But, when you yelled, "I got the old lady too," that changed my mind real quick."
Question - WHO IS JACK SCHITT? At last an answer for the age old question. The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt- Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt. So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
A general and his dog
Fruitcake recipe
General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General’s new bird dog, “Sarge”. The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn’t part with him at any price. A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. “What happened to ‘ole “Sarge?” he asked. “Had to shoot him,” grumbled the General. “A friend came to hunt with me and couldn’t remember the dog’s name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark.”
Ingredients:....... 1 cup butter, 1 cup, 4 large eggs, 1 cup dried fruit, 1 teaspoon baking powder, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 tablespoon lemon juice, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 cup nuts, 1 or two quarts of aged whiskey,.......... Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad while you weren't lookin.' Open second quart if nestessary. Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit an beat til high. If druit gets shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver. Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then shift 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a shit. Chample the whitchey shum more. Shift in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add 100 babblespoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well. Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole pissin' mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle. Check dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.
A bird named Clarence
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
Wrestling with Oneself
A kid from a high school wrestling team was about to wrestle the state champ. Now the state champ had a secret move called the "Hungarian Pretzel", from which no one had escaped.
Just prior to the match, the kid's coach gave him only one piece of advice, "No matter what, don't let him get you into the Hungarian Pretzel."
Well ten seconds into the match, the state champ had our kid in the Hungarian Pretzel. Our kid's coach, unable to watch the humiliation, turned around in disgust.
Suddenly the crowd exploded with cheering. By the time the coach turned around, his kid had won. The coach ran out and congratulated his kid, and then asked "How did you win?"
The kid said, "Actually, it was quite easy. He got me into the Hungarian Pretzel, I looked up and saw the biggest pair of testicles I had ever seen. I stretched out and bit them.... It's amazing how much energy you get when you bite your own nuts."
Open Season on Lawyers
1.Any person with a valid state or federal hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3.The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4.It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to use cocain, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disquise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys. bag and possesion limits
Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder (5)
Skinny-Assed Ambulance Chaser (5)
Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender (10)
Hairless Civil Libertarian (7)
Game law violation Defender (15)
Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator (No limit)
Honest Attorney .......Extinct
Man's best friend
When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser. Well I chose to name my dog "Sex". But lately Sex has been a little embarassing to me.
I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a license for Sex." He said he would like to have one too. I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old". He said I must have been quite a kid.
Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on dog food. I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part. But suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio. I went after him, but the crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing here. I told him I was hoping to have Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.
One day Sex ran out on me in the middle of the night. I went around the neighbourhood looking for him. A cop came and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up this Friday...
The Day After
TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING NOT EVEN A MOUSE. I TURNED ON THE POWER BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING I GRAB THE COMPUTER AND START BANGING AND JERKING. I LAID OUT THREE GRAND FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK THEN ON JANUARY 1ST THE DAMN THING WENT "KERPLUNK"! WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER. I TURNED ON THE TV THE CABLE IS DOWN MY MICROWAVE OVEN IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS. MY NEW VCR IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING NOT EVEN THE CLOCK. IT'S TWENTY BELOW THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON THE FURNACE WON'T WORK THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED AT A WORSE TIME I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE ON MY BEHIND. I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK IN REGARD TO MY MONEY. "WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION AND SAVINGS WITH CARE BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE WE WERE Y2K READY WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU YOUR BALANCE IS..ZERO"! I DROP THE RECEIVER TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH. I TURNED ON THE FAUCET NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK I HEAD OUT THE DOOR TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK. I JUMP IN THE CAR TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH IT ONLY GOES "CLICK" I SCREAM,"SON OF A B%%CH!" A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE NOT SET UP FOR THE "2000" DATE. I TWITCH LIKE A MADWOMAN THIS CANNOT BE TRUE NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY WHAT THE DEVIL CAN I DO? SHOUTING OBSCENITIES AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT HAPPY Y2K TO ALL IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!
Drunken priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
BACK TO PAPABEARS HOUSE