DISCLAIMER: If you recognise it it’s not mine, otherwise, touch it and die.

PLENTY MORE FISH

By Demon’s Gate

Squall had been mugged by people the moment he stepped into Garden. It wasn’t much of a surprise, everyone within the military academy looked upon him with something bordering on reverence, and he had been away for two months directing the SeeD forces in Esthar where they had been hired by Squall’s father, President Laguna Loire, to quash a minor rebellion caused by the high prices of used cars.

The commander battled through the hordes of students, nodding and smiling, a skill Zell had taught him for such occasions, he said it kept everyone happy. Nod, smile, “hey”, nod, smile, “thanks”. The words were his own addition, and judging by the reaction it caused it went down well. He nodded away all the congratulations, though he thought the pats and thumps on the back were a bit over doing it. It took him half an hour to make the journey around the circular walkway to the entrance to the Garden dorms, but make it he did, nodding and smiling all the way.

He finally lost the group of admirers at the elevator in the dorm hall, where he would ride to the third floor where his rooms where, smiling at the thought of Zell being in the apartment to welcome him.

The relationship between Squall and Zell became public knowledge when Zell was seen wearing Squall’s griever ring, a precious family heirloom, and had been followed around by a group of suspicious girls who were stalking him to confirm their speculation, which they did when they caught the two young men kissing in the secret area of the training centre. Since then what they did in private became the number one topic for gossip.

The elevator doors opened and Squall stepped out into the hallway of the third floor, his smile becoming a grin in anticipation of Zell’s greeting, he had his fingers crossed that it would involve handcuffs and chocolate sauce. He stopped outside the door to the quarters he shared with his martial artist lover, and, running a hand through his chestnut hair, consciously scruffed up his appearance; Zell would be more forthcoming with snugglies if he looked a mess. Then, he stepped forward, pressed his hand to the scanner plate on the wall by the door, and, after checking his handprint, the mechanism pinged and the door slid open, and Squall stepped in, the door closing with a hiss.

In Squall’s eyes, it was okay to be untidy, a little mess was endearing really, but there was a point where ‘a little mess’ became ‘pigsty’ or ‘shithole’. Squall’s apartment was worse than ‘mess’ but just fell short of the latter two.

The door of Squall’s apartment opened onto a short hall that lead to the large kitchen, with two doors to the left as someone entered, one being the ‘master’ bedroom, the other the bathroom. Directly opposite the hall was another leading to the living room, and a spare room off to the right.

Even standing in the hall, as he was, Squall could tell Hurricane Dincht had been raging unchecked for two whole months in their home; the kitchen looked like a veritable bombsite.

The bin was on its side, its contents spewed across the discoloured white tiles on the floor. On the hob was a saucepan, filling the room with the stink of burning milk. Piled up on the worktops were dirty plates, bowls, and dishes of ever age, shape, and size. Moulding bread and rotten vegetables were dotted about the kitchen like grotesque table decorations that were curiously attractive to flies. The strangest thing about all of this was the jug of boiling water which contained the teats of several baby’s bottles, and the high pitched wailing that served as the soundtrack to the scene.

Zell bounded out of the bedroom, hair as always, unless he had been sleeping, in the shower, or indulging in a little boy-on-boy action with Squall, gelled into perfect blonde spikes, his spidery tribal tattoo black against his lightly tanned skin, and only wearing a pair of black shorts and his trainers.

“I’m so sorry, baby! I’m coming!” Squall looked towards Zell expecting a late greeting and an explanation of the mess and noise, but the blonde froze in the middle of the kitchen as he ran towards the spare room. He turned to Squall as if he were really surprised to see him, his blue eyes wide and staring, under lit like a neon sign by the light of barely contained hysteria.

“Squall!” His sharp features flooding with relief, and he half shouted over the wailing that echoed from the spare room. “Thank Hyne you’re back!” He paused and looked about the kitchen, embarrassed. “I forgot you come home today or I would have cleaned up a bit.”

“Zell, what’s that screaming? What the hell happened to this place?” Zell’s face lit up at the question, his mouth pulled into a gleeful smile and he gazed adoringly into Squall’s stormy-sky coloured eyes.

“I’ve been too busy to tidy. Squall I need to tell you something!” He bounced on the spot in a manner reminiscent of Selphie in his excitement. Squall looked nervous; to make Zell this happy, and turn their apartment into this much of a mess, it couldn’t be something Squall wanted, or could expect, to hear.

“Squall!” Zell began, that blissful look still in his eyes, hands clasped before him as if he were praying. “Squall when you were away,” he gushed as if he couldn’t hold it in any more. “We, me and you, had a baby!” He squeaked delightedly and flung his arms open wide for the joyful hug he was about to receive from Squall. It didn’t come.

Assuming Squall was too happy to move or speak, Zell continued. “Squall, she’s a girl, and she’s so beautiful! Squall you’re a daddy! I’m a daddy! Squall, her name is,” his eyes went vacant and he said the following words as if God himself told them him. “Her name is Tuna Dincht-Leonhart!”

Squall stared for a moment, then leant against a wall, folding his arms over his chest and crossing his legs at his ankles.

“Let me get this straight,” he started, looking first at the ceiling, then into Zell’s wide happy eyes, the wailing continued in the background. “While I was away, you and I, two males, conceived a child, despite the thousands of miles between us. Then this child, er, foetus, grew to maturity in under two months?” Squall sounded incredulous. “And then you named this baby Tuna?” Zell nodded looking starry eyed. “Tuna like the fish?”

“No!” Zell levelled a reproachful blue-eyed glare at Squall. “Tuna like our daughter.” The angry look faded from his face. “Wanna meet her?”

“Support her head,” Zell instructed Squall as he took the tiny person in his arms. Zell sat back in a chair, adoring eyes fixed on his family. Tuna looked up at her father, the dark-haired one called Squall that was holding her, and gurgled.

Squall examined the baby that was apparently his and Zell’s daughter with a critical eye; she returned the look with stormy blue eyes from under her shock of blonde hair.

“Zell, this baby’s at least a month old.” Squall was disbelieving to say the least.

“One and a half.” Zell corrected, the picture of a doting parent.

“How is that possible? How is any of it possible?”

“Oh?” Zell snapped out of his reverie. “Oh,” he said, realising what Squall meant. “It was Doc Kadowaki and her machine.”

“Doctor Kadowaki and what machine?”

“The machine she got from Esthar.”

“And it makes babies?” He looked at the one he was holding.

“Basically.”

“And she just happened to make you a baby? How is this our baby? We’re both male!” He rocked her.

“Oh, that was the easy bit,” he exclaimed with a smile. “She took a, er, whassit called, um, ova?” he looked at Squall for confirmation that this was the right word then continued. “And she took some of my sperm, and some of your sperm…”

“How’d she get my sperm?” Squall sounded indignant, as if the doctor had stolen it when he wasn’t looking.

“I keep some in the back of the freezer in case of emergencies.”

“Emergencies!?” Zell pouted at his tone.

“Yes, Squall, emergencies. I never know if you’re gonna come back when you go on a mission. I kept some to make sure I’d always have a part of you if you didn’t,” Zell looked at the baby in Squall’s arms, a grin across his face. “And so we could have a baby if you didn’t. Plus it tastes nice,” he added in a matter-of-fact tone. Squall stared, trying to discover the sanity in that piece of information, but he gave up and told Zell to carry on with his explanation of Tuna’s conception.

“So, she got an ova, Selphie gave us one when she found out what it was for,” he gave Squall a look that said the commander would have to thank the excitable girl for the favour later. “Then Kadowaki took the, er, nucleus from the ova, y’know, the bit with the chromosomes or whatever they’re called, then she replaced it with the nucleus of one of your sperm cells, then she used my sperm to fertilise your egg!” Zell beamed with pride. “Simple really.” Squall stared.

“Zell when was this?”

“A week after you left.”

“A week!” Squall leant forward, nearly falling out of his seat.

“Uh-huh. And be careful, you’ll drop Tuna.” Squall settled uneasily back into his chair.

“Zell, babies take months to develop!”

“Oh no, not with the machine. Doc Kadowaki said it speeds up mitosis or meiosis, or summat, some sort of cell division.” He waved it away, looking lovingly at Squall and their daughter. “She was ‘born’ a week later.” He reached out and waggled a finger in front of the baby, she gurgled and reached her little hand for it. Zell grinned. “Wassamatter, Squall?” He looked up. “You don’t seem too happy.”

Squall looked down at the tiny person in his arms. He was supposed to be happy, wasn’t he? That’s why they call babies ‘bundles of joy’. He just couldn’t believe it was his baby, his and Zell’s baby; he was only away for two months for Hyne’s sake!

He glanced at Zell; the young man had a look of expectant worry in his eyes. Squall sighed and grinned.

“I am happy Zell, just a bit shocked.” He leant over and kissed Zell on the end of his nose. “Baby, it’s the best welcome home gift ever.”

“She’s not a toy, Squall!” Zell glared. “She’s our daughter!”

“I know, I know. Sorry.” He grinned nervously. “She’s, er, lovely. I love her, and I love you, and we’ll all be happy together.” Zell nodded vigorously at these words.

“Yep.”

“But I think we should rethink the name Tuna.” Zell’s eyes narrowed dangerously.

“What’s wrong with Tuna?”

A/N: I was bored, it was funny at the time, apologies if it’s not any more.