DISCLAIMER: If they were mine I wouldn’t need to plug in my Playstation to turn Zell on… ^_~

Pallbearer

It was unnerving to see Zell so still. He was standing by himself in the churchyard with his back to Squall, his black suit a dark shadow against the white of the clouds and the blue of the sky. That, paired with the mood that seemed to radiate from him, made it appear as if someone had taken a knife and cut a gash through the curtain of the air, revealing the deep, empty, nothing beyond it. Empty. That’s what Zell had become, his hair was down, out of its usual spikes almost as if to show everyone that he was now devoid of personality.

Since hearing the news of his mother’s death the usually energetic Zell had sunk into a disturbing and soul-weary quiet. He rarely moved now unless he had to, hardly ate unless he was made to, and didn’t speak, unless he was telling someone to leave him alone. He just sat on his bed, ignoring any and all attempts to engage him in conversation, or comfort him for his loss.

Only once had Squall seen him so silent, when he had found him practicing tai chi in the training area. He had been so angry when he found out Squall had been ‘spying’ on him, he thought he made quite a comic picture performing the slow, controlled routines. Squall on the other hand remembered the occasion almost with awe. Zell always seemed beautiful to him, but rarely as much as he did then, all grace and perfect control. But every movement Zell made was graceful and controlled, but without the boundless waves of energy pouring off of him, Zell seemed almost vulnerable.

In those few moments Squall had realised how much he loved the small, blonde martial artist, how much he wanted to protect him, out of love, rather than a sense of duty, which had been the driving force in his mind when he had taken up the same stance regarding Rinoa. It was also the first time that Squall felt as though Zell needed him, and that was what Squall longed for the most, to be such a large part of someone’s life that they needed him.

And there was Zell now, a shell of himself, like a reptile that has shed its skin and then slipped of, leaving only the discarded scales behind. And Squall couldn’t help him, every time he tried Zell just pushed him away.

Squall approached him now, he laid a hand lightly on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, nothing to forceful, nothing that would put too much pressure on Zell, who had made it plainly clear that he didn’t want to see the other man, going as far as changing the combination code to access his rooms to ensure Squall wouldn’t be able speak to him.

Zell shrugged Squall’s hand off and continued to stare at the marble headstone in front of him.

“Go away.” Squall stood for a few moments, wondering if Zell really wanted him to leave, or if he were just saying that to provoke him. Not that Squall could blame him, the emotional wall had rebuilt itself in Squall after he told Zell about the accident which killed his mother, he did it to be strong for his lover, but Zell may have taken it for complete apathy in his vulnerable state. Vulnerable. That reminded Squall again of that day in the training centre, when Squall had sworn to himself that he would always protect Zell.

But he had failed to do so, he had failed himself, and more importantly he had failed Zell, and having failed once, he wasn’t going to let it happen again. He stepped to Zell’s side and reached for his hand.

Zell pulled away from him, his face was twisted in a pained grimace as too many emotions fought for a place in his expression. “I told you to go away!” The sound of his voice knotted Squall’s stomach. It was begging, pleading with him to leave, Zell was on the verge of tears and he didn’t want Squall to see him cry. Ordinarily that would have just hardened Squall’s resolve to stay and comfort him, but his tone carried more than a little threat.

Squall swallowed and complied, stepping back from him and turning to go. He stopped, and Zell could feel the hurt in his croaking voice.

“I don’t know what’s goin’ on with you Zell! I know Ma’s dead, but why are isolating me?” Zell didn’t answer, so Squall continued, anger coming into him now, faced with the other’s stony silence. “Yeah, well if there’s anything you want from me it’s here Zell, you just come and ask for it.” Squall swayed unsteadily on his feet as if he were dizzy, then left Zell by his mother’s grave, he didn’t move fast enough to escape the sound of the first stinging sobs muffled by the hands Zell had pressed to his face.

* * * * * * *

Ma Dincht had died painfully. The accident had occurred when she went out of Balamb town during the storm to bring in a group of stragglers who hadn’t made it back before the worst of the weather hit. Foolishly they had sought shelter beneath a tree, which was hit by lightning as Ma tried to shepherd them away from the hazard back to the town.

Two of the seven people she had gone out to rescue were also hurt in the incident, only one of those injured apart from Ma had suffered fatally. Neither of them would have died had any of the other people in the company not panicked, and stood around screaming before going for help. By the time someone did come, one man had already died, Ma was still alive then, but she had been left too long, and her lungs had begun to fill with fluid. She had drowned before they were able to help her. This was the only thing that could keep Zell’s attention for more than a couple of minutes; his mother lying on the floor, her skin charred, blistered, and peeling, and dying, painfully.

Zell was staying back at home in Balamb, where he had lived with his mother before going to Garden. He was curled into a ball on her bed, wearing the same jeans and t-shirt he had been wearing for the past three days, surrounded by large brown cardboard boxes, half filled with her belongings. He could picture it in his head; his mother lying on the grass soaking wet, and dying. He could hear her gurgling, he had almost allowed himself a laugh, when he thought she was probably trying to tell the people exactly how they could save her. Almost. Because then he imagined he could hear her words through that sickening gurgling noise, and that was what she was doing, telling the others around her how to help her and the injured men, but they were screaming, and they couldn’t hear her.

When Quistis and Selphie had come to check on him one morning that’s how they found him, curled up on her bed, sobbing into the mattress, chanting the same phrase over and over: “Why won’t they stop screaming? Why won’t they stop screaming?”

Selphie had to leave the room when she saw him. She sat on the stairs outside the door, her hands over her ears trying to block out the sound and crying. Quistis had greater control over herself, and sat on the bed and held Zell, cradling him until he eventually fell asleep, and still his body shook with the occasional dry sob.

When she had regained herself Selphie called Squall. He was reluctant to come at first, he hadn’t seen Zell since the funeral, almost a week previous, but when she had screeched down the phone at him that the young blonde had had a break down of some sort, he hung up on her, and had already left Garden before she had managed to compose herself again and hit the redial button.

When Squall arrived the look on his face made her forget all the insults she had decided to call him. He was pale and his eyes were puffy and red.

“Where is he?” It was all he could manage to say, and Selphie knew it, so she just nodded and lead him up to the room, where Zell lay in a fitful sleep, with Quistis lying next to him, whispering softly to him in an attempt to soothe him.

Quistis looked up at Squall as he entered, her gaze was reproachful, accusatory, as if Squall were somehow to blame for Zell’s state, but she nodded curtly, and unhooked Zell’s arms from about her and left the room, closing the door behind her to give them some privacy.

Squall got onto the bed and huddled close to Zell, remembering the smell of his hair and the taste of his lips. It felt comfortable to have Zell so near to him again, it relaxed him, and he drifted to sleep.

* * * * * * *

Zell, framed by the light of the rising sun, standing close, holding him. And Rinoa next to him. And then a grave, and Zell looking hurt. Zell looking angry. Then they were in a field of flowers, and there was fire, and Seifer. And Seifer was dragging Zell into the flames. And then the shadows surrounded Rinoa, and she was gone again. Then he was fighting Seifer while Zell watched, straining at chains. And then Seifer was down, and Squall was with Zell. Then he picked up Lionheart, and it flew up and Zell fell, dead.

* * * * * * *

“Quisty?” She was the last person Zell could remember before he fell asleep, but the body curved to the shape of his own was too broad to be the Instructor, and too hard, too muscular, too familiar.

He shifted around and opened his eyes, and recoiled when he saw Squall. It was Squall’s fault he was away when Ma died, it was Squall’s fault he had been butting heads with Rinoa when she was in pain, on her own among strangers that wouldn’t stop screaming. She must have been so scared, maybe she wouldn’t have died if Zell were to help her; maybe if she had still died it would have been less scary. If Zell had been, maybe she wouldn’t have left town at all. And it was Squall’s fault that he hadn’t been there when Ma needed him.

But Squall was quite simply Zell’s entire life now. He was his lover, his best friend, and at the same time he was his Commander in SeeD. And with Ma gone, Squall was the closest thing Zell had to family. Being with him now reminded him of the way things used to be, when Ma was there. The times she had embarrassed Squall by jokingly insisting that he and Zell take the same name, or told everyone in town that she hadn’t lost a son, but gained something that resembled one, but was too neat and quiet, and far too easy to embarrass to be the real thing. When she did that sort of thing Squall would just blush and stand a little closer to Zell, who would unfortunately be laughing just as hard as anyone else who had heard.

But now she was gone, and there was no bringing her back, and he felt that that was Squall’s fault. He knew blaming Squall was probably even more irrational than his fear of being buried in the trans-continental train tunnel; after all, he had seen this type of situation before on T.V. and it was never the boyfriend’s fault, but he couldn’t help how he felt. But still, it would be ok to just pretend that it was all fine for a while, that there was no trouble, just to lay here with Squall now, like they used to. Just for a little while. If Squall woke he’d just think he was asleep still, he wouldn’t have any expectations about their relationship then.

He rested his head on Squall’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. It wasn’t working; every thump in Squall’s chest, made him think of every thump that wasn’t in his mother’s, the bed they were laying on was his mother’s. He couldn’t make it feel like it used to. It still felt safe though, like Squall would never let anything bad happen again. It didn’t make up for the bad that already had happened, but it was a start. He closed his eyes and listened to Squall’s heart. Squall was still here, even if Ma was not, but he couldn’t tell if that was a comfort or not.

“Zell?” The blonde’s breathing quickened a moment, then slowed, reminding himself that he wanted Squall to think he was still sleeping. “I know you’re awake.” Zell’s internal voice told him to never take up acting. “Quistis and Selphie have gone. It’s ok, you don’t have to talk to me,” Squall shifted nervously under Zell’s weight. “I don’t want you to talk to me, I want you to listen.”

Zell moved to speak then, but Squall held him in place and shushed him. “I just want you to listen to me for a while.” He took a breath before continuing. “I know you’re angry at me, but I don’t know why. I think it might be because I sent you on the mission with Rinoa, and you think you should have been here, and I accept that. I need to apologise to you Zell. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, that I upset, but I want you to come back to Garden with me. I need you to come back to Garden with me. I don’t want you to be on your own.” He paused. “Or I’ll move in here, if you want?”

The sun was setting outside, and cast long shadows on the walls as Zell pulled out from Squalls hold. His blue eyes met Squall’s smoky grey ones, and he just stared into them for a moment. “No Squall.”

“Zell you can’t stay here on your own! Do you have any idea what a mess you were in when Quis and Selphie found you?” Zell swung his legs off of the bed and looked at his feet. “I was scared Zell.”

“I don’t care if you were scared Squall,” though the way his voice caught in his throat informed the other young man otherwise. “This isn’t about you.”

“I know Zell, it’s about you, and I’m not letting you stay here alone to get freaked out.” Squall moved to Zell, putting his arms around him and resting his chin on his shoulder. “I love you, Zell.”

Zell shook his head, “No.” He couldn’t hear this now. “No!” He was confused. He needed to think, he needed to be alone, and he couldn’t leave Squall if he said that to him. He covered his ears. “No!”

Squall forced his hands away. “I love you Zell, and I’m not leaving you.”

“No, Squall! No!”

“Please Zell, I…

“You what? You’re sorry? That’s jus’ not gonna cut it! My Ma’s dead! She’s dead! She was dying, and I didn’t get to say goodbye, because I was on the other side of the world, pissin’ about with your girlfriend, on a mission you sent me on, even though you knew I didn’t wanna go! So you be sorry Squall. You be fuckin’ sorry. My Ma died slowly, and painfully, and alone, all because of you and some bitch sorceress! I’ll never forgive you for that. Never.” He twisted free of Squall’s embrace and stood by the door.

“Just go Squall. If I want you or your help, I’ll call. But I don’t, so just go!” He was rocking back and forth on his heels, hugging himself. “Go!” He was sobbing now, and Squall made to hold him comfortingly, but he pushed him away. “GO!” He screamed the word in the Commander’s face.

Squall stood in stunned silence while Zell broke down. He didn’t know what to do. He was scared of approaching the blonde again; he didn’t handle rejection too well. But he knew what could happen if someone was left alone in a state like the one Zell was in, his gloves hid the evidence of that knowledge.

“I’ll go then. I’ll send Quistis, or Selphie, or Irvine to come and stay with you.” He stopped in the doorway. “I love you Zell, why don’t you want to hear that?” He left before Zell could even think the question over.

Zell went over to the window when he heard the door slam. He pushed the net curtains aside and looked out into the darkening street, and Squall in the harsh orange glow of the street lamp. He saw the strong silent commander walk to the bench opposite his house and collapse onto the wooden seat, where he openly broke into tears.

A/N: I think I like this chapter. Yep, I do. Well, at the minute I do anyway. Um, I did have something to note, but I can’t remember what -_- Memory loss at 17, it is a shame. Anyway, give me reviews, tell me how much you love me and everything I write. I do so enjoy it when people say such delusional nonsense.