The Sean Biggerstaff Portuch: The Evolution Of A Race

From the beginning of time, there have been portuches.[i] During the ice ages, they hid beneath the earth's surface, feeding off the carcasses of their dead counterparts to survive. Through war, famine, and destruction, they kept their own. They kept their species thriving in the earth's core, waiting to run rampant in the world at the most opportune time.[ii]

This opportune moment came three years ago in 2001[iii] at the release of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone in movie theatres. The cinemas were flooded by people, and the portuches were alerted through seismic tremors that there was something to be probed. Their most famed emissary, “Tiffany”, was sent to investigate the newfound pandemonium that was Harry Potter. Donned in protective gear (consisting of bleached hair, camel toe, and thongs), Tiffany made her way to the earth’s surface and into Famous Players. She sat down, “kicked back and relaxed” if you will, and “enjoyed the movie.” To her surprise, there was a young man worked into the tapestry of the youngster woven Harry Potter. His name was, and still is, Sean Biggerstaff. This sudden piece of male flesh was abruptly flung into the movie, forcing Tiffany to jump out of her seat and report to her superiors. Her details were sketchy, and sounded like, “turtleneckbludgerbuttbroom!” This was the first form the fabled creature would take on.

The group of women (and some men) created websites, banners, and many more forms of obsessive behaviour. They would rendezvous at several locations, such as Totally Sean Biggerstaff[iv], Mugglenet[v], and Seanspotting.[vi] However, there was one chief place these portuches would convene, and this place was the official Sean Biggerstaff Message Board (hereby referred to as SBMB.) From here, further evolution of the portuch would take place in the coming years. The first form of portuch still survives on the planet today, but many more forms, incapable of recording, have come to existence.

For instance, the most detrimental form is the diehard portuch, who devote themselves to everything Sean Biggerstaff eats, drinks, and wears, and treat him like a god. These portuches are of the family obssestalkeo.[vii] Several characteristics of a diehard portuch are: suicidal thoughts when Sean Biggerstaff announces his religious beliefs, strong defensive feelings when someone claims to be his girlfriend, and premeditated intricate plans to search and destroy anything that prevents Sean Biggerstaff from rising to the top. Another form of portuch is the hypocritical portuch, which belongs to the family quackero.[viii] These portuches claim not to love Sean, but spend every waking moment fixated on his presence on earth. Typical behaviour of a hypocritical portuch consists of posting multiple posts firmly stating that they do not love Sean at all while wearing an “I heart boys with broomsticks” t-shirt, watching his scenes in Harry Potter over and over, secretly memorizing his every line, and making it a point to let everyone know that Sean is in fact, not good looking, but they will continue to visit SBMB sporadically.

A third type of portuch is the conformist portuch. This portuch will bend and coordinate their lives to run co-currently with Sean Biggerstaff’s. Belonging to the family seandoesitsoiwillto,[ix] these portuches tend to adapt Sean’s love of badgers into their lives, as well as learning bass guitar because “that’s what Sean plays”, listening to all of the music he listens to (even if it’s shit), eating whatever Sean likes, reading whatever Sean likes, watching whatever Sean likes, etc. The final type of portuch explained in this paper is the uninformed portuch. They belong to the family, seanisgayo,[x] and are the most annoying and unfavourable portuch of them all. Standard features of an uninformed portuch are multiple annoying posts containing questions such as, “Is Sean in Prisoner of Azkaban?” “Are you gay?” and “Is it true that you have eleven toes?” These portuches, sometimes mistaken for an innocent new member, can easily be cured by the assignment of a Big Badger.[xi]

All portuches, however, have the same fanatical blood, even if it is not seen by the naked eye. They must all be treated in the same manner: with care, tolerance, patience, and controlled thwapping.[xii] Know when to thwap, and when to not. Any indication that you are malevolent towards a portuch will result in much complaining on their part, spam, and/or gigantic pimples. One day, all types of portuches will return to the earth’s core to hibernate until the next rise of a generally unknown male celebrity like Sean Biggerstaff. Until then, they continue to roam the earth, wreaking havoc on humankind.