Today it is our proud honor to presents this thrilling theatrical event! Get ready for:

Starring

Relena Peacecraft	AS	Romeo
Heero Yuy	AS	Juliet
Duo Maxwell	AS	Mercutio
Trowa Barton	AS	Benvolio
Quatre Raberba Winner	AS	The Prince
Chang Wufei	AS	Tybalt
Lady Une	AS	Paris
Zechs Merquise	AS	Juliet's Father
Treize Khushrenada	AS	The Friar

Chapter 1: The Meaningless Battle

Enter Duo and Trowa, of the house Gundam.

Trowa: This first section of the real script was making bad puns about killing and rape. However, since we're both underage, we're just going skip right to the fighting.

Duo: Awww, that's no fun…

Enter two random soldiers, of the house Oz.

Trowa: Look, Oz soldiers! We'll have to destroy them!

Duo: Wait, lets get the law on our sides. See, watch this!

Duo flips both soldiers off.

Soldier 1: Hey, did you just flip us off?

Duo: If I say yes, would that be bad?

Soldier 2: Uh, I'm not sure. Would it?

Soldier 1: I don't know either. Let’s just assume so.

Duo: Ok, then I didn't.

Soldier 1: Hey! Are you playing games with us? We'll kill you! Activate the Mobile Dolls!

Duo: Alright! Let’s kill them!

Duo and Trowa get in their Gundams, and begin to destroy the Mobile Dolls. Relena enters in Wing Zero.

Duo: Hey, that's Heero's Gundam! How come you get it?

Relena: Because, I'm playing the part the guy. Therefore, I get the big gun. Heehee. Die!

Relena begins firing off the beam cannon at the dolls, incidentally destroying much of the city.

Duo: Wait... I thought you were the pacifist. Shouldn't you be trying to stop this useless battle for the sake of peace or something?

Relena (destroying one mobile doll, a cathedral, and an orphanage): These mobile suits are the last thing needed in outer space! That’s why we've got to destroy them all!

Duo (to Trowa): I told you a zero system was a bad birthday present.

Trowa: She invited Heero again. I couldn't leave her defenseless!

Relena draws her beam saber and rushes into a crowd of mobile dolls. Trowa and Duo back off to avoid the shower of robot limbs and bowels that follows.

Trowa: How do you even know how to use that thing?

Relena: I don't, but I'm pushing a lot of buttons randomly. It always seems to work for you guys.

Wufei enters in Shenlong/Nataku/Altron/Whatever-the-hell-it's-called.

Wufei: Stop, vile members of the house Gundam. You are but weak cowards. Very weak cowards. You shouldn't be fighting because you're so weak.

Trowa: Hey, if we're so weak, how come we're destroying all of your dolls?

Wufei: Well, you're not weak. But it's my only line, so live with it.

Relena: Hey, aren't you piloting a Gundam too?

Wufei: Well, technically, yes. But who cares? Die you weakling!

Relena: I'm not weak! Well, I suppose I am, except when my brain is hooked up to a mind altering computer set on "psycho". Heehee. Die!

Relena and Wufei duke it out mano a womano, destroying more large sections of city. Meanwhile,Duo and Trowa mop up the last of the dolls.

Soldier 2: No! A human can't beat a Mobile Doll! Mobile Dolls are invincible!

Soldier 1: Hey, stop aping Tuberoth's lines. Ummm… IT'S A GUNDAM! No wait, that doesn't work… Hey, do random soldiers have any lines that would be suitable for a time like this?

Trowa: How about "AHHHHHHHHH!"

Soldier 2: But that's only when we're going to die. See, the prince will come and save us. There he is now!

Duo: Shit, it's my cousin.

Quatre: Stop this battle! It is all meaningless!

Soldier: How come he gets to ape Heero's lines?

Quatre: Because I'm a main character. I can get away with things like that. As I was saying, stop this meaningless battle!

Trowa: And what if we don't?

Quatre: Then we kick your asses and kill you.

Duo: We're screwed.

Quatre: Just be grateful I'm not making you pay for all the damage you've caused. This is the fifth town this week! (In his cockpit, Quatre calls up a list of Italian renaissance city-states.)Hmm, that about does it for Florence... DBZ reserved the coliseum for the Cell game... Tenchi’s in Taranto... Evangelion's in the Vatican butchering Catholic symbolism... Well, I guess this play'll have to move to Verona.

Duo, Trowa, and Relena get out of their Gundams, while everyone else makes their exits.

Duo: That was fun. What's the tally up to now, Trowa?

Trowa: You got 21 kills, I got 24, and Relena got 13. That makes 58, which, added to our totals, makes 324 this week.

Relena: You must wonder where they get them all.

Duo: A construction facility on the moon.

Relena: Not in this continuity.

Duo: Good point. For that matter, where'd we get our Gundams?

Trowa: They were built by rebel organizations of the space colonies.

All: …

All: …

All: …

Relena: Perhaps it would be better if we didn't think about that.

Duo: Yeah, probably. So, what's new?

Relena: Oh! Remember Greg, at school? Well, he dumped Jane, who told me ALL about it, and then I told Sarah, who was going out with Greg's older brother Jake, so she dumped him because of what his brother did, but then Jane started going out with Jake, so Sarah got mad at me and convinced Paul, my boyfriend, to go out with her, but I didn't mind cause I was planning to dump him anyway, but I figure I can just act mad for a couple days so Sarah will still be my friend, and anyway I was going to dump Jake because I found this really cool new guy named Amuro, but he won't go out with me! Can you believe it? But I'm sure he really likes me and he's just playing hard to get, so I'm going to keep trying for a while.

Duo and Trowa: …

Relena: Hey, are you guys listening?

Duo: Whu-? Oh, that was quicker than usual.

Relena: Ugh, you guys need to take more interest in these things! Anyway, I need you to help me get Amuro to show his interest for me.

Trowa: Whoa, wait. You wouldn't be talking about Amuro Ray, would you?

Relena: Of course I am! You'd know that if you listened more!

Trowa: But Amuro Ray is in the Universal Century continuity!

Relena: I know.

Trowa: And he's five years older than you!

Relena: I know.

Trowa: Geez, we gotta change your taste in guys.

Duo: Hey, maybe we could take her to the party conveniently scheduled tonight at the House of Oz.

Trowa: Uh... Don't we sort of have a mortal feud with the house of Oz?

Duo: That's no reason to miss a party.

Trowa: It's not?

Relena: Of course not. You can't judge someone based on their house. I mean, what if people judged ME because of my- UGH **shudder**

Trowa: Oh gee, thanks.

Relena: No problem.

Act II: The Shooting Star Crossed Lovers

Enter Trowa and Duo in their Gundams. Trowa is carrying Relena in his free hand.

Trowa: Tell me again why I'm doing this?

Relena: It's really simple. You drop me off when we get there and then go to the main gate and ask to speak with Zechs. That should draw a lot of attention, and let us sneak over to the party.

Trowa: That's WHAT I'm doing. I want to know WHY.

Relena: Because if you don't I'll show the school those pictures of you in that stupid clown costume.

Trowa: Ah, that's right. **sets Relena down** There, that should do it. Well, I'm off to raise hell.

Duo: Hey, that's my line.

Trowa: Whatever.

Duo: Well, I'm off to spike the drin-uh, strike. Strike my enemies.

Duo and Trowa leave. Relena goes stage left and dances with random people. She looks across the stage and sees Heero.

Relena: Oh, what a joyous joy of sight! He doth teach the beam sabers to burn bright. It seems he hangs upon the cheek of night, like a rich jewel in a Gundam's...uh... Whatever they have instead of ears!

She crosses stage right, under the balcony.

Relena: O Heero, Heero! Wherefore art thou Heero?

Heero (looking out from his window): Hey, is someone down there? Hey, it's that Gundam girl from school!

Relena: Heero, I've come for you! Tell me you love me!

Heero: I must destroy the evil house of Gundam! **picks up a handgun and points it at Relena**

Relena: I know that you can't shoot me, because deep inside you really love me! Don't you, Heero?

**30 second long pause and close up on Heero's gun**

Heero: Why can't I pull the trigger? Why?

Relena: zzz…zzz…zzz-Huh? Shit, uh, what's my line again? Oh yeah. I know that you can't shoot me, because deep inside you really love me! Don't you, Heero?

Heero: That was last line.

Relena: Oh, right. Alright, here goes. Because you love me, of course!

Heero: But I don't!

Relena: Yes you do, you have hallucinations of me whenever you look at something beautiful ,like the Vayeate.

Heero: Th-that's not true!

Relena: Oh yeah? Look at that tree over there for 10 seconds. If you don't become entranced and say my name in a profound manner, I'll leave you alone.

Heero (In a profound and entranced manner): Relena…

Relena: Ha! See?

Heero: Oh yeah, well, er, uh, I must destroy my enemies!

Relena: Who are your enemies, Heero?

Heero: I… don't know… I have lost sight of my enemy…

Relena: Hey, Heero, snap out of it!

Heero: Oh, sorry…

Relena: Anyway, tomorrow, after school, let's go get married!

Heero: Isn't that a little sudden? And, for that matter, aren't we all minors?

Relena: Yes and yes. But it doesn't matter, because if we don't this story will get off track and take forever.

Heero: Good point. But I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment. I mean, I just met you today!

Relena: So what? We have a good foundation! And I don't mean Romefeller! Remember, tomorrow after school!

Relena leaves

Heero: I wonder if I can persuade dad to let me stay home from school tomorrow…

The next day, after school.

Heero (sneaking through the shadows toward the exit): Maybe she won't see me… please, let her not see me…

Relena: Hey, Heero!

Heero: Shit!

Relena: Come on, I've got it all set up. Just follow me. The priest is just a few blocks down the road.

Heero: **sigh**

Treize: Ah, the young budding, pure hearted Gundam pilots. No doubt you will lead us into a new era of true peace. Perhaps we could start by killing each other at the same instant with antique pistols for no apparent reason?

Heero: Not this episode...

Relena: Actually, we came to get married.

Treize: Oh, ok. Do you, Relena?

Relena: Yes.

Treize: And do you, Heero?

Heero (dejectedly): Yes.

Treize: I now pronounce you man and wife. Only problem is, I'm not sure which is which.

Relena: It's really simple. I'm the wife playing the husband.

Heero: And I'm the husband playing the wife.

Treize: Why me?

Act III: Nataku vs. Deathscythe vs. Zero

Oh yeah, and some other stuff

Duo: Geeze, what's up with that title? I mean, isn't it US who are fighting, not the Gundams?

Trowa: Well, yes, but we're fighting IN our Gundams. And besides, no one cares about us, just the awesome firepower we get to throw around.

Duo: Yeah, I guess so.

Enter Wufei in his Gundam.

Wufei: You, weaklings. Where is the coward Relena?

Duo: Right behind you.

Wufei: Whu-? Hey, no she isn't! How dare you resort to trickery and deceit! You are but worthless cowards who should not be fighting.

Duo: Wow, talk about over-reaction.

Enter Relena in Zero.

Wufei: There you are! I must destroy you!

Duo: To hell with that! You're dead meat! Prepare to face the God of Death! Or Great Destroyer, pick one. DIE!

Duo and Wufei begin to duel.

Relena: Oh goody! People to kill. No, wait, that's the zero system talking. What would Heero want? Hm, how about "Oz must not have my Gundam!" nah, there's no deep water around. Ummm... Oh, I know! Stop this meaningless battle!

Relena stops Duo by placing a hand on his Gundam's shoulder. Wufei uses this opportunity to strike home, shoving a beam trident through the cockpit.

Relena: … Crap. That didn't work out like I had intended.

Duo: I think I am finished.

Wufei slashes Deathscythe into quarters, gives him a large dose of his double flame-throwers, and then blasts the wreckage with his tail lasers a couple times.

Duo: I fear I am not long for this world. This wound is grievous indeed.

Wufei: It should be fatal!

Duo: Oh, 'tis not wide as a hangar bay, nor deep as the trench where Wing Gundam is buried, but 'tis enough, 'tis enough. Ask for me tomorrow, and you'll find me a grave angst-ridden teenage warrior.

Wufei: WHY WON'T YOU DIE? Damnit, I'm going to have to use my largest weapon!

Relena: What, the doujinshi market after the Trowa/Quatre sleepover episode?

Wufei: No, but close! It's my own operation meteor!

Wufei blasts into space, grabs a couple colonies, throws them on Verona, and re-enters.

Duo: I will soon die, I am sure. A plague on both your houses! Ah well, at least I'll be back for Endless Waltz.

Duo dies.

Relena: WUFEI! YOU WILL DIE!

Wufei: Draw your beam sword, cretin, and face my wrath!

Relena: Hell no, bitch. Eat beam cannon.

Wufei: Hey, no fair!

Relena blasts Wufei into the next dimension!

Relena: Was that supposed to be a stab at DBZ? Or was it just the author running out of things to say?

Trowa: The world may never know. But you'd better get the hell out of here before the prince comes! He'll kill you if he finds you! Right after he goes into a long, unbearable speech about the horror of war and how he's really, really sorry about killing you.

Relena: *shudder* You're right. I'd better split. Bye!

Relena leaves. Enter Quatre, backed by the Maguanak Core.

Trowa: If this was a bad Yaoi fanfic, I could succeed by using my "special" influence over Quatre. However, the author isn't prepared to sink that far into stupidity, so I won't.

Quatre: What are you talking about? The only one who could possibly arouse me is my Gundam. Oh Sandrock…

Trowa: Well, I just gave you the benefit of the doubt and chalked it up to bad voice acting, but whatever way turns your boat I guess.

CAN WE GET BACK ON SCRIPT HERE PEOPLE?

Duo: See? I told you he couldn't resist putting self-dialogue in this! You owe me fifty bucks,Trowa.

DUO, STAY DEAD. GUYS, BACK TO SCRIPT. AND, DUO, WHERE'S MY TWENTY FIVE?

Duo: Hey, keep quiet until I get the fifty from Trowa. Uh, oops.

Trowa: Ha! I knew you couldn't place a fair bet! Quatre, you owe me seventy!

Quatre: Gee, thanks a lot Duo. That's what I get when I place my trust in you.

HELLO, PEOPLE? BACK TO THE SCRIPT DAMNIT!

Quatre: Alright, alright… **clears his throat** Trowa, what has happened here?

Trowa: Well, Wufei killed Duo. Then Relena killed Wufei.

Quatre: Well, Relena did avenge my cousin Duo. However, ever since Duo cheated on that bet so I lost seventy bucks I haven't been too fond of him.

Duo: Hey!

Quatre: So, as a compromise, Relena gets banished to Tokyo 3. Alright people, disperse!

Trowa: Gee, that's not very nice.

Quatre: Well, maybe you could persuade me differently…

Trowa: Erp. I think I'll pass. Bye!

Quatre: Ok, Italy's gone, Greece is a mess, Spain's char-broiled... Where can we set the play now?

Cawdor Castle, Scotland

Dorothy: Oh, Mr. Macbeth! I'm for world peace as much as anyone else, but I also see the value of war. And murder. And regicide. Am I the only one who thinks that murdering your lord and master in his bed to gain his position is a beautiful and noble act?

Huge crashing sound. The leg of Sandrock busts through the roof.

Generic Soldier: Do not be alarmed. The Maguanak core, the House of Oz, and the House of Gundam are taking over this nation-state. As of now, you are all Italian.

Scottish Soldier (bad Scottish accent): Och! I mean, uh... (bad Italian accent)gran Dio! Que imbroglio!

Later, in Heero's house.

Zechs and Lady Une are talking.

Zechs: Despite the tragedies that have befallen us recently, I find it unnecessary to postpone these talks. After all, the sooner I get rid of my stupid son the better.

Une: Of course. I know just how to treat young boys. **stretches her glove, and then lets it snap back with a loud crack**

Zechs: Heehee. Alright, I now officially give you my son's hand in marriage. HEERO! Come down here!

Enter Heero.

Heero: What is it now, dad? And who's this lady?

Zechs: She's your upcoming wife, my son!

Heero: Hey, you've got to be kidding me! She's 15 years older than me! At least! That's like twice my age!

Une: Perhaps, but I know just how to treat a young boy. **does the glove thing again**

Heero: Dad, you can't do this to me! I'll destroy you! I'm a much better pilot than you are!

Zechs: Yeah right! The first time we met, I took you down in a Leo! And you were in your Gundam too.

Heero: But I had to deal with re-entry too. I would have defeated you in Siberia.

Zechs: But we had a continuation of that battle in Antarctica, and I whooped your ass good!

Heero: But my arm was hurt, and I wasn't even using my own Gundam.

Zechs: Hell, I wasn't even using ANY Gundam.

Heero: The Tallgeese is a Gundam.

Zechs: No it isn't. It just acts identical to the Gundams in every way for no particular reason.

Heero: …Whatever. But I'm not marrying this psycho!

Une: That's a rude way to refer to your fiance. I'll just have to straighten you out **does glove thing, but with other hand**

Zechs: Besides, our skills are beside the point. In this continuity, you don't even have a mobile suit, let alone a Gundam!

Heero: Shit.

Later that night, in Heero's room.

Heero: Young psycho bitch, old psycho bitch. Young psycho bitch, old psycho bitch.
Damnit, which one should I choose?

Relena (from outside window): Heero! I'm right here, Heero!

Heero: Young psycho bitch it is. At least she'll keep her figure longer.

Heero lets Relena into the room.

Relena: Some privacy, maybe?

I WOULD FEEL NEGLECTFUL OF MY DUTIES IF I DID NOT REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE BOTH MINORS.

Relena: Thank you. Now get out of here.

At the Friar's house

Treize: You want me to set up a wedding for Thursday? That's not a lot of notice, but I'll see what I can do.

Une: If you know what's good for you, you'd better see to it. If you know what I mean. **does glove thing**

Treize: **gulp** Why me?

Enter Heero.

Heero: Hey Treize, I need your help- Hey, it's that psycho.

Une: Is that any way to talk to your fiancée?

Treize: Fiancée? But didn't I just-

Heero: Never mind. Une, get out of here. Go pick some roses or something.

Une: Oh, but roses don't suit me at all.

Heero: Then go torture someone or something. Just get out of here.

Une: As you wish.

Lady Une leaves. The sound of singing birds is replaces with screeches and horrible ripping sounds.

Heero: …I think she thought I was serious.

Treize: Didn't I just marry you to Relena yesterday?

Heero: Yeah, but I neglected to tell my dad Zechs and he arranged my marriage to that psycho.

Treize: You wouldn't happen to be talking about Zechs Merquise would you?

Heero: Yeah, that one.

Treize: Why me?

Heero: I know that you've been written out of most of your scenes, but I need your help.

Treize: You want me to smuggle you out to Relena?

Heero: Nah, my father would track me down eventually, and I can't use a Gundam to fight him in this continuity. So, I need you to give me some lethal poison so I can die.

Treize: WHAT?

Heero: Normally I'd just use my self-detonator, but, like I said, I don't have that in this continuity.

Treize: If you are to die our deaths must come at the same instant. Here, take this antique pistol and we'll kill each other. Then the world will truly be at peace!

Heero: ... What was that you were saying about smuggling?

Treize: I can give you a potion that feigns death, so everyone will think you are dead. Then we can smuggle you out and send you to Relena!

Heero: Hmm… Life with young psycho bitch, or melodramatic death that will somehow promote world peace… Ah well, might as well try with Relena. If it becomes too horrible, I can always find some other way to end it. Alright Treize, you're on.

Exit Heero.

Treize: Well, I guess I should make some sort of attempt to tell Relena that Heero isn't really dead. FedEx? Nah, too expensive. I need a minor character. Hey, Sally!

Sally Po: I'm not going to help you commit suicide!

Treize: No, I need you to deliver a message.

Sally Po: What'll you pay?

Treize: I won't excommunicate you for talking in a monotone the whole series.

Sally Po: Done. I swear, I shall deliver the message as quickly as possible. Unless I get stopped at customs. Or killed. Or held up by the Maguanak core. Or distracted by something shiny.

Treize: Why me?

The next morning, in Heero's bedroom.

Zechs: **knocks on the door** Oh dear son! Time to get married to this wonderful middle-aged lady! **snicker**

Une: Heero, open this door now or we'll both regret it.

All: …

Une: You leave me no choice.

Lady Une kicks down the door.

Zechs: You know, it was unlocked. Hey, Heero, wake up! Hey, he's not moving! No pulse! No suicidal dialogue! He's dead!

Une: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Zechs: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Act V: The Chaotic Sepulcher

Tokyo 3

Teacher: ...and so the second impact came, and verily was mankind very screwed. And there came a beast with five heads and seven horns, and it did make much ruckus, but verily the ArchMecha Gabriel did defeat it with the knife of Abraham and the mustard seed gun. Then did Sodom and Gomorrah arise again, and their king who was named 666...

Relena: God! This school is sooooooo boring. And I can't even see Heero… Gee, I wish I could use a Gundam… Hey, wait a minute! I CAN use a Gundam! That's it, I'm heading back to town. If they get in my way, I'll just blow em up with the BIG GUN! Heehee!

Sally Po: I swore I would deliver this message. Nothing will stop me from-

An anvil drops on her.

Sally Po: Well, so much for that.

At the entrance to the sepulcher.

Une: My poor Heero… **cry**

Enter Relena, in Wing Zero.

Une: Hey, weren't you banished?

Relena: Yeah. Watcha gonna do about it, huh? You don't even have a Gundam!

Une: Yes I do! I have the rebuilt Wing Gundam!

Relena: Oh yeah, like that's gonna work. Think about it. The Wing Zero is superior in every respect. Plus, you're not even a good pilot!

Une: Hell, you aren't even A pilot!

Relena: That's true I guess… But true love will always win in the end! Fight, for everlasting peace!

All: …

Une: Let's just get on with the battle.

Lady Une and Relena fight.

Une: Suck on my beam cannon!

Relena: Ha! Mine is much bigger than yours!

Une: Shit.

Lady Une dies.

Relena: Now, lets go see Heero.

Relena walks down the hallway (conveniently sized for mobile suits) of the crypt, still in Wing Zero. Eventually, she comes to a crypt shaped like the Turn-A Gundam containing Heero's corpse.

Relena: NO! He's dead! **cry** Well, I hate to copy Duo, but TAG ALONG! ON MY JOURNEY INTO DARKNESS!

Relena hits the self-detonate.

Heero: Yaaaaaaawwwwwnnnn… that was a nice nap… Huh? AHHHHHHHH!

Wing Zero self detonates.

Heero: Relena, my lesser-of-two-evil-suitors!

Heero moves flips a switch from the "preserve" setting to the "instant cremation" setting. Verona/Scotland disappears in mushroom cloud. Enter Quatre, horribly scarred and mutated.

Quatre: A glooming post-apocalyptic peace this morning with it brings.
The writer, for sorrow, will not use his head.
Go forth and talk of these sad things
Some shall be called back for the OVA and some punished.
And know that never was there a tale of woe
as this, of Relena and her Heero.

The End

Heero: I WILL SURVIVE!

Relena: No you won't, you're already dead!

Duo: Why the heck did you have to copy me? That was my line!

Relena: Hey, you stole it from Heero.

Duo: I only stole the IDEA. I made up the quote. I would have sounded really stupid if I had said "mission accepted" then. I didn't even HAVE a mission.

Relena: So I should have made up my own quote?

Duo: YES! Now you're getting it!

Relena: How about… "DIE!"

Duo: Sigh… it's hopeless…

Tim Nelson-Hoy (as if you couldn't have guessed from the credits)
Westen Bartosch
Nian Dong
Christopher Boyd
Andrew Malconian
Peter Makovari (yep, I still can't spell your last name)
Alex Trulson (you may be annoying, but I still love you. In a strictly plutonic way, of course)
Fritz Fraundorf, from whom I ripped off this neat layout (please don't sue!)

A Very Special Thanks to Bandai for making Gundam Wing.
Another Very Special Thanks to Cartoon Network for airing Gundam Wing
A rather lukewarm thanks to Shakespeare for making Romeo and Juliet (yes, I'm an uncultured capitalist pig).

Relena: Wait, wait! I've got it! "I'll destroy all those who are my enemy!"

Heero: Hey-