What I wish Tonight

I wish someone had taught me

            what to do

when you find your purest love

            tainted by hatred--

I wish someone had shown me

            the difference between selfless

                        and selfish

            before it was too late for me to realize

                        I had it wrong all these years.

I wish someone would tell me

            which words to use

            to explain my anger

            when I'm ashamed

            by everything I feel.

I wish someone would tell me

            if Kasey Chambers

            is the best music to listen to

            as I lie on the floor of my bedroom

            and shake

            with sobs too silent

            for my room-mate and her boyfriend

            to hear

            as they bend over math books

                        in the living room.

And they could tell me

            what you do

            when your little sister

            weilds her weapons

            with more skill than you.

They could tell me if I should regret

            teaching her to hold a sword

            if she is going to use it

            to draw blood from

            her master.

I wish someone would tell me

            how to concentrate on Shakespeare

            when all I want to do

            is find a way to let my heart

            vomit,

            to purge myself of lies and jealousies

                        and hatreds

            and start over.

My purity is damaged.

There are holes and black marks on my soul,

a cancer I've denied

            since my birth.

My mother tells me that

after I was born,

            the doctor pulled out the placenta from her body

            and found it full of holes,

            beaten and worn thin.

How skilled I am at destroying

            that which gives me life.

                                    -October 23, 2001