Which Vagina Are You? Pick a foodstuff. pickled eggs. spanish rice. cinnamon raisin bagel. fruit roll-up. cheese cube. the flesh of the living. strawberry yogurt. lobster tails. taco! Which of the following describes your breasts? removed. floppy. non-existent. I'm a boy, damnit! What sort of question is that? mounds of excess tissue clinging for dear life on my torso. My breasts are not to be looked at, pig! annoying. especially when jogging or jumping. in constant motion. spec-tacular! dripping down to the floor, but i keep them contained in my belt. People tell me I look like... a cartoon character. I'm exhausted. if Brad Pitt and a Michelin tire had a baby. I'm corpsin' it up. a character in a porno. Uh, that's right, I just look like them. two fried eggs on a nail. their ex. I've had one too many. I'm four months pregnant. Kill one. puppy. God. kitten. kitten hugging puppy in a basket. myself. Lassie. jennifer aniston. fluffy baby bunny. Canadians. What's the worst thing about human beings? apposable thumbs. their capacity for evil. their capacity for good. they kill animals to survive. sitcoms. Alanis Morrisette. religion. they die. we walk around like we own the place. A death ray must destroy one city. Who shall feel its wrath? Paris. Montreal. Tokyo. Rome. New York. Mexico City. Boulder, Colorado. Venice. London. Isn't "Rent" the best damn soundtrack ever? fuck yes!. no way dude. that shit is gay and stuff. no way. "Cats" is a much better story to represent New York. Hi. I just got out of a cave, where I have spent most of my life. What's "Rent?" Indeed. Now I shall throw around many million dollars words like "ambiance" and "juxtaposition." Sure thing! I'll like anything you tell me to! Sorry? I wasn't listening, I was too busy staring at your breasts. I'm sorry, but nothing will ever replace "Joseph and the Amazing Technocolor Dreamcoat" in my heart. To sodomy, it's between God and me...to S&M. What's the best book on this list? "Where the Wild Things Are." "Brave New World." "The Red Badge of Courage." "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." "Green Eggs and Ham." "Catch 22." " I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings." "Catcher in the Rye." The entire Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's "Two of a Kind" series. Which of the following statements is true? I am a golden god. the moon landing was a fake. 30 Helens can't be wrong. the holocoust is fake. All and all you're just another brick in the wall. Storks bring babies. Racial profiling for men of Arab descent should be encouraged at airports. Russia is on its fourth Boris Yeltsin. Martha Stewart is the spawn of Satan. Peanut butter cookie is to ashtray as wallpaper is to..? SAT analogy. What? I'm sorry. I was lost in your eyes. pickle! giant crouton. girl scout cookie. oscillating fan. anal penetration. mitten. barbecue sauce. Of the following, pick one to seduce. Bea Arthur. decrepit monkey skeleton. Neil Armstrong. the sexy green M&M. Conan O'Brien. The entire cast of "Golden Girls." peanut brittle. a bridge troll, with stinky goat breath. well, I've sort of always had a thing for that hippy muppet, Janice. You better have answered all the damn questions, or you'll get a knuckle sandwich!