- FULL NAME - MARK SALTER
- AGE - 20
- NICKNAMES - OLD MAN, OLDIE, SALTS, THE HOUND, KILROY
- HEIGHT - ABOUT 6'2''
- DISTINGUISHING FEATURES - FRAILTY, LARGE PENIS
- SIGNIFICANT OTHER - ANTONIA
- INTERESTS - 80s MUSIC, FOOTBALL, BEATING BERT AT POOL, GETTING THE BALL OUT OF THE HEDGE
- FAVOURITE FOOTBALL TEAM - MAN UTD
- AFC POSITION - GOALKEEPER
- MAIN FILM ROLES - SALTER BIN ONION, TONY C'S TRAINER, VARIOUS MEMBERS OF THE CROOKED ARMY, ALVIN COPPLESTONE
