Monday, September 1, 2003

After a short hiatus, the letters are starting to pour in again.  And guess who is back.  That's right, Hurt in Houston is back again, but she doesn't sound so hurt anymore.  Read the previous letter, then read the update.  Congrats Hurt!

tuesday, august 26, 2003

Guess what faithful readers?  The ASG is back.  Why have I picked today of all days to return.  One reason is because it is my 28th Birthday and I am a little buzzed on some wine.  I once read that Edgar Allen Poe also did quite a bit of his best writing while he was drunk.  By the way, you will never know how many typos and misspelled words that I typed thanks to the wondrous (is that a word) innovation of spell-check.  I must first thank all my so called friends for forgetting my birthday.  Like it would be hard to remember.  It was around the time that we had the 70's party, that I was so inconspicuously did not attend.  BASTARDS!!!!  I hate you all.  Not really, I love all of you so very dearly.  If you are the kind few that have faithfully tuned in to read my bohemian rants, I thank to the deepest recesses of my heart.  But, I digress.  I will make a huge effort to update the page more often and continue my humble contribution to the EVIL community.  Parting words:  Chollywood sucks black cock and someone kick Seabass' Ass.  [asg]

monday, june 16, 2003

I would like to proudly announce that the wife and I are expecting a baby girl.  All perverts and corrupters (Emily) stay away.

Letter from Reader:  "This stupid letter is too long to read, and by the time I finished reading it, I forgot what the first two paragraphs was about! Just to think, this is only the beginning and its going to be continued? How about a letter just getting to the point!
How in the burning hell of this green earth did Sexless come up with such good grammar and writing skills? I smell a fake here! He would lose concentration and start surfing for porn after about 2 sentences, so it would not be his doing!"
Not buyin it 
Thanks for your advice reader.  I've already let Sexless know to cut down on the next letter.  The guy just gets a little excited.  [asg]

sunday, june 15, 2003

I've got to tell my readers about the funniest show that you are not watching.  It's called the Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.  Here's the basic premise.  You take an 80's style Japanese physical challenge game show.  Then, you dub over the already stupid-looking hosts' voices with not so direct translations and then you have MXC.  Even my dad thought the show was hellarious...and he didn't even understand the sexual innuendo.  Imagine American Gladiators with regular people mixed in and Larry Csonka and Mike Adamle making dirty jokes in the background.  It's on Saturday nights at 8:00 and Sundays at 7:00.  Don't miss it.

friday, june 13, 2003

Let's go into the weekend with a bang.  I have for you both the new, explosive Letter of the Month and a neat little poem from one of your fellow readers.  It has been a while since we last heard from Sexless in Sachse and he has been kind enough to update us on what has happened since we last helped him with our Readers Poll.  It seems as though quite a bit has transpired and this letter is only Part 1 of a series.  So look forward to more from Sexless in the future.  Also, please do not question the legitimacy of this letter.  As with the last two letters, this one also was not written by me.  It is actually quite obvious that the bang-bang writing style of letter can only be Sexless.  My prose is much more poetic and beautiful...kind of like me.  Writing styles are like fingerprints.  They are both very distinct and the notion that I have been writing the letters myself is ridiculous and a discredit to my journalistic ethics.  Sorry, had to get that off my chest.  Enjoy the letter and enjoy the poem.

"Am I black or Asian?
They say I am asian because I have 2 or more import cars!
They say I am black because I have cornrolls.
They say I am asian because I don't have a big black cock!
They say I am black because I act gangsta!
They say I am asian because I have an asian wife!
They say I am black because I am stupid!
They say I am asian because my son looks asian!
They say I am black because I look black!
They say I am asian because I steal, cheat, and lie!
They say I am black because I steal, cheat, and lie!
They say I am asian because I almost started a fight at a breakfast diner!
They say I am black because I shoot like "Big Smoove"!
They say I am asian because I can't really ball!
They say I am black because I had some black in me!
They say I am asian because I can speak viet and some laos.
They say I am black because I have black friends!
They say I am asian because I have asian friends!
They say I am black because I dress black!
So am I black or am I asian?"
Caught in between

Thurday, june 12, 2003

Readers, this week has been a little slow.  We still have some advice rolling in for Confessional and I know that the poor guy really appreciates your help.  Perusing through the singles page, it looks as though he's moved on.  But, just as you think that the smoke has cleared, a favorite of the readers is back.  That's right, Sexless is back.  His newest letter will be posted soon.  I know that you are excited as I am.

Tuesday, june 10, 2003

Great news, readers.  Due to your dedication, I have just added a new sponsor, American Singles.  Please help our first advertiser and click on the link whenever you get a chance. 

monday, june 9, 2003

Letter from Reader: "I watched "Finding Nemo" and I don't remember any "sea-monkey" joke that you're referring to. Please, asg, tell me and your faithful readers what the joke was so we too can be entertained by it as you were."
confused nemo
The joke in question happens when Marlin is trying to wake Dorie up.  She humbles a few funny phrases, one of which is "Damn sea-monkey stole my money."  [asg]

Letter from Reader: "Is a sea-monkey anything like a porch-monkey? Because I see a correlation between the two, where they both like to steal stuff."
Oakcliff Simian
I hesitate to discuss on any stereotypical jokes, but I believe that the correlation that you refer to is, in fact, true.  All monkeys steal.  That's their nature.  [asg]

sunday, june 8, 2003


           Kelly Lin                    Cherrie Ying                   

I have a new movie review for those lovers of foreign and art house films.  The movie is "Fulltime Killer" starring the never-aging Andy Lau.  It's about one assassin trying to challenge another for the title of world's best assassin.  Andy Lau's character, Tok, is flamboyant and reckless.  O, played by Takashi Torimachi, is the complete opposite, as he is quiet and efficient.  They both share the same love interest, Kelly Lin as Chin...HOT, HOT and HOT.  The plot is average and the dialogue can be sometimes stupid (or it could be the stupid accents), but the movie was very entertaining.  On a side note, both killers are quite fashionable.  Tok prefers leather pants with baby blue cowboy boots, while O sports a wide array of 80's apparel, sometimes topping it off with mailman's pants.  In summary, lots of eye candy (action scenes and hot girls) and not a lot of substance.  Therefore, I recommend it highly.  If you liked "Time and Tide" or "The Killer," you will love this movie.  If you want to watch it, I suggest you find the DVD,  unless you know a good art house theatre. 

Regarding art house theatre, we watched the above movie at the Magnolia.  The theatre is located in the trendy West Village area near Downtown Dallas.  It's surrounded by brownstones, fancy restaurants, expensive cars and sexy women.  We all felt like we were tourists in a different city.  Why you ask?  Because, we walked around the street aimlessly, not knowing where the "cool" places were to go.  Why am I telling story?  Because if you are tired of the Lower Greenville and Deep Ellum scene, we have a new place to hang out.  The plan is drinks, dinner, movie and then drinks.  Just make sure you bring your wallet and fancy clothes.  I don't want to feel like a tourist again.

saturday, june 7, 2003

I don't want make it a habit of posting the advice from readers on the front page, but this one is another good one.  Bartender has become a regular contributor and his last line of the letter actually made me laugh out loud, which was creepy because it was late at night and I was alone upstairs.

"Yes, yes...this is quite the pickle you've gotten yourself into Confessional. I do not know if this is your first gay sexual experience (I seriously doubt that though), but why would you want to get your chocolate starfish torn-up by a big, black cock? I hear from the homos that regularly frequent my hole-in-the-wall that Asian men make the best gay lovers, since they are more delicate. Anyways, I'm gonna take a cue from Snoop and get "back to the lecture at hand". I think that to get on the good graces of "Pinkie" again, you would have to let her experience your black, male friend too. It's only fair that since you and her are a married couple, you two should share everything...even if it means your gay-pillow-biting buddy. Also look on the bright side, when she and the man-dingo go at it like wild monkeys, you too can join in on the festivities and play with his nuts."
bartender at your local watering hole

friday, june 6, 2003

Leave it up to one of my research staffers, Robobbio Inglesias, to come across another great pic.  This time we may have discovered the missing brother of a  team EVIL player.  Is this a case of:

Separated at Birth???????


      Ahole           Paradorn     

Thursday, june 5, 2003

Readers, I have received so many letters in response to Confessional's predicament.  I do have one letter though that I want to give special attention to by posting it on the front page.  It is so well thought out and heartwarming that I wanted everyone to see it.  Here it is:

"Let's get the facts straight here...you're obviously a gay bastard.  And I'm a straight male with an appetite for pussy - "cuz me so horny"...oops, sorry...back to your dilemma....Now why you like getting your salad tossed or tossing salads or getting corn holed is quite frankly none of my damn business.  Personally, I think you're a sick fuck. But that's not the issue here. The issues and facts present here indicate you're clearly a gay bastard with issues. While you have chosen your sexual identical, you have undeniably fucked up in choosing a spouse. Let's just say you would probably qualify for retard status with flying colors (much like the colors of the rainbow you display). Straight people mix it like this - XX + XY. And disturbing shit heads like you mix it this way: XY + XY. Another variation of the mix would be XX + XX, but forget it- cuz it not applicable to you. Clearly, the victim in this matter is your wife. While the only fair way to resolve this is to let her get her booty on with another woman,...it's only a temporary fix. True resolution will only come when you let her go and come to grips with another schlong. Don't drag it out anymore ...Initially, it's gonna feel like a bullet shot through the heart, but unlike the permanent Texas tunnel your shithole has become, time will heal the wound in both your hearts. I'm sure you're in agreement that your loving wife deserves much better than your sorry lame ass. Truly, she didn't expect a sick, demented, disgusting, cock-sucking husband."
StraightGuy

wednesday, june 4, 2003

It seems Confessional is already attracting a lot of attention.  I'm not sure if it is the kind that he wanted though.  Four reply letters already?  Confessional may replace Sexless as the favorite subject of the readers.  And I may have to give my research staff a raise.  They have come across two very racy lesbo pix of a couple Asian girls.  The ladies do look a little familiar, but I'll let the readers decide.  Here are pix 1 and pix 2.  Enjoy!  I know I did. 

After looking at Tuesday's pic again, it sort of looks like three girls enjoying a bukake cocktail.  Let me know if you agree.

tuesday, june 3, 2003

My readers are in for a treat today.  I have just received an explosive new Letter of the Month.  Let me reiterate that I did not write this letter, nor did I write the last month's letter.  Both letters were submitted through the friendly confines of the internet.  I cannot stress the importance of this fact.  It's a little long, but it is also a very good read.  Enjoy.  And if that wasn't enough, my crack team of researchers scoured the web and came across a great pic.  Would you like to see three Asian girls who love DP?  Of course you do, here is the pic.

monday, june 2, 2003


left to right:  therapist, tonka, me, f'n, supafly, jabrone, stickyrice,
mamadou, ahole.

As you can well see, I have posted a new team pic from Houston.  Don't the new jerseys look nice?  Also, I have some letters and a movie review that I would like to share.  By the way, I will never let anyone take over my position as the #1 Scoring Option...that means you Seabass.

Letter from Reader: 3 words...Mas Ter Bate
Master Debater
Not sure how to respond to this.  [asg]

Letter from Reader: how come you didn't put down that over the memorial weekend that you got within jizzin' distance of michelle branch?!?!?!  how can you leave her outta the mix?
f'n
I'm still waiting for the pics and then I'll post then with all the sordid details.  [asg]

Movie Review:  Finding Nemo was pretty entertaining.  There some corny parts that the kids and ladies might cry over, but there is also some funny parts and good inside jokes.  Pay close attention to the "sea-monkey" joke. 
 

May Archives