(no compliments)
Once upon a time in a village far far away, Utley, in a stable lined with hay a baby had been born around the manger in which he lay stood three wise men and also there were shepherds and animals. The mother was called Mary and the father was named Joseph. Above the stable high in the sky shone a light from heaven.
2 years passed and the baby grew up to be very popular all the other children liked him and he had a great academic record, his mother Mary used to cook every night a delicious meal for her son and Joseph, his father, taught him how to be a carpenter.
Everything turned nasty though when the young child was five. Joseph started disappearing off to Morrison’s when ever Mary wanted help with the young child’s work and teachings. Mary grew suspicious also when Joseph came back with no bloody shopping. The final straw came when Joseph came back once again from Morrison’s reeking of cheep perfume he told her had met another wife (Judith Tolmin) and was going to live with her. Oh how Mary did cry and how the young boy dropped out of his carpentry apprenticeship and enrolled in rough harsh school (Steeton) and grew ever dumber and ever more unpopular. Mary had by now become engrossed in her consumption of Gods wonderful marijuana and began ruining little doubting Thomas’s (Woodland) education at Hofield school.
One day the young boy came home to find an odd man in his living room Mary was shocked to find the little boy home so early. The man told her not to worry and gave the child a toy so he wouldn’t tell social services. The toy was a huge, long…
Train
It had come for the child to sit his royal tests (11+) unfortunately he was stoned out of his skull so he bonged them and went to the worst place ever (south craven school) he became ever more unhappy and dumber and kept on smoking marijuana until his eyes bulged it was here he met Simon Peter(Peter to you asshole) and Mathew(now called the great disciple Dale) friends abandoned the boy however and discovered doubting Thomas Woodland who they befriended.
I am sure you are wondering this child’s name he grew up to be the one the only…….
Jesus Christ
(No you ass)
Oh sorry he grew up to be Davido Pedricko
Making People Think You Have a Girlfriend
Step One
After realising you’ll never pull ever, start to plan the several parts of her and the details. Don’t go over board as telling your victims cof cof friends she has a 64D chest size will lead to suspicion and mobile number requests.
Step Two
Tell your targets of affection that you have a girlfriend. If the last girl you stalked slapped a restraining order on you then start to refer to this girl as Taniaf the dog. Tell your friends you met her at one of you hobbies, say for example a train station, and make up stories of sexual tension.
Step Three
Let state of disbelief simmer for half a week. When friends start to realise that you’re lying, make up stories about a kinky sex life. The scratch you gained falling off your Thomas the Tank Engine bunk bed will prove as adequate prove.
Step Four
This stage requires concentration and pathological lying skills. Your friends don’t believe you and the amount of bullying has dramatically increased. Keep calm however and tell your friends that you’ll bring a photo of her. Go to google and type in what ever name you gave her (e.g. Claire) select a photo and give it to all your friends.
Step Five
Be smug at your own intelligence. However when the fat considerable smarter guy in your posse realises that you got the picture off google you need to prepare a back up plan. Say something that saves your non-existent dignity and makes friends seem like fools.
Step Six
Let the story spread around school at 150 degrees or gossip mark 6. When girls starting asking personal questions deny whole thing.