The DIRT
Best of 2003
USA
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The Sambone Curse
This probably pertains to most people or some, I don't know or give a rat's about anybody else anyways, but this is a curse for me, my curse. Yeah, there are 2 things about this curse, one good and one bad. The good thing about it is, 'I can get any chick I want!' Now that means any chick I want, any chick in this world! And the reactions from most people would be like, 'whatever', 'I don't think so, what about her?' And I would reply, 'Well, I don't want HER!' The bad thing about this curse is, 'I can get any ugly chick I don't want!' Yeah, this is truly true, I was werkin' last night and I was blastin' some music and this ugly chick came up to me because she heard my music and she just came up and started talkin' to me! She said, 'Hey, I like this song!' And I replied, 'Cool!' And I really wanted to say, 'Look, please go away ugly chick because yer really startin' to make me look ugly!!!' I mean, I ain't the greatest lookin' guy in the world, but I didn't wanna be made the ugliest lookin' guy in the world either!!!

You know you have too many tattoos when...
-you're in a tattoo magazine and you have to wear a thong to show all yer tattoos!
-all yer friends are bikers!!!
-yer in a bar that has Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap!
-you can't even get a job at Wal-Mart!

It's pretty bad when......
-Chicho's had more bouncers than the Norva!
-Mars Music had their parking lot full and that was just the employees!
-You go to see a band at a bar and the next week it's a pizza joint!
-You've got a records out the ass, record deals and yer known everywhere as a cool rocknroll band, but you have no equipment!
-You've got a webpage talkin' all this shit about how good you are, but when you get on stage, YOU SUCK!
-You go to a rock show and you see people wearing the shirt of the rock band that's playin' after they just bought the shirt!
-You can't afford to see the original band you wanted to see and you have to settle for the tribute band!
-You play in a tribute band and act like someone yer not and get paid!  Actually, that's sad!  Be fuckin' original! Write and do yer own shit!

You know it's bad when.....
-Yer watchin' Springer and learning that people are
sleepin' with family members and transvestites and
they the station runs a Valtrex commercial!
-you gotta shit real bad and you pull yer car over off
the highway, just the railing, go down the ditch, take
a dump and pull off one sock to wipe yer ass!

What would you rather have?
I have a friend and asked him a series of questions much like this:
Who would you rather have as a girlfriend? A mediocre lookin' chick with a kid or a superduper hot chick with genital warts?
He replied, "Are the warts always there or do they come and go?"


Ever notice how the ending of the Beatlesí song, ĎHelpí sounds like ending of the Diffrent strokesí theme song?
Yeah, itís fuckiní true!  One morning as I was snoozing before I woke up for work and the Beatlesí song, ĎHelpí came on and I listened to the whole song and subconsciously came to the conclusion that the ending sounded like the ending to the Different strokesí theme song.  Hereís how this came about:

The Beatlesí song, ĎHelpí ends like this:
ĎHelp me, help me, help meeeee, ooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!í

Different strokesí theme song ends like this:
Ďit takes different strokes to move the world, hmmmmmmmmmmmmm!í

kinda similar.  I think the different strokes song is in F# and the Help song is G!  Man, if fuckiní Paul found out about this shit, he would sue the fuck outta Mr. Drummond and whoever the fuck ainít in jail! 

The Mexican Massacre

No, no people got killed.  It's a personal thing I like to share with everybody.  Probably, something I shouldn't, but it's funny.  Well, not always funny, but amusing.  Amusing to people who I know like to laugh.  Well, it started off when I talked to some co-workers today about going to the Azteca for lunch.  We all agreed so we went there.  I wasn't really that hungry, but when you start eatin' the chips, you just can't stop sometimes.  So I just ordered a fried chimichanga and got a desert of fried ice cream.  Maybe I shouldn't've, but I did.  It was good.  Well, we all were waitin' for the chick to ring us up and she's tryin' to seat people and shit and that's when it hit me.  I've gotta go.  Badly.  I was to the point of almost crowning.  And I don't just use any bathroom.  I preferrably like to use the ones I'm used to like the ones at werk and the one at home.  'Cause when yer at home, it's like yer on the throne and you can read, play guitar, whatever the fuck you do on the shitter.  Anyfuckin' ways, I had to go.  So we're still waiting and I'm in some fuckin' pain here like I'm pregnant or something like I'm gonna shit out a fuckin' 'V' alien out my fuckin' ass.  So we finally get out and I'm drivin' back avoidin' all fuckin' red lights and potholes.  Finally, we get back and I go straight to the 3rd floor.  That's my fuckin' shitting domain.  That's where I drop all my deposits. 

So I'm in the bathroom and everybody does the same thing, I know everybody fuckin' does.  I'm doin' the 'I gotta shit really bad' dance.  You know, yer tryin' to remove yer belt and yer dancin' around and at the same time, yer tryin' the wipe down the seat and layin' paper on the seat and shit like that, it's almost like the sex scene from '9 and a half weeks'!!!  So I'm blowin' mud out my ass and get done and reach for the paper and I pull and I get one fuckin' square of paper.  Somebody fuckin' jammed the paper roll in the dispenser.  So I pulled the fucker out and had to roll the paper on my asswiping hand.  So I get all done and before I flush and I know everybody does this, I looked at what I had deposited in the shitter.  It was like fuckin' oreos cereal I ate this morning.  But then again, I was thinkin' ,'was my ass chewin' tobacco or something, geezus fawkin' karyst!!!!'  So I'm still not feelin' well as I'm washin' my hands and then it hit me.  It hits everybody.  I know it does.  I had to shit again.  So I had to take a doo doo part deux!  Fuck! 

So as I go to wipe my ass for a SECOND time, noticed something.  I must not really know much about dingleberries.  But would a dingleberry be considered when you get toilet paper scrapped onto an asshair and it just hangs there?  Well, if that is a dingleberry, then I had a fuckin' dingleberry!  So I couldn't leave this fucker there, I pulled it!  That was painful, much like that of pullin' out a nose hair!  Ouch! 

I've always thought that I was lactose intolerant with the cereal eating.  But I heard that the oreos has something that is hard to digest.  Well, I had to dairy products this morning, the milk and the fried ice cream.   That's my shitter story for the day!  But just keep in mind with the cereals you eat, if yer ass is blowin' mud, it's alright, it's okay, if yer ass is blowin' blood, get that shit checked out or rethink the dairy products!

Bathroom incident at IHOP/Nightcaps show in Norfolk 2001
I was told the Nightcaps were doin' a show at Mango's and I was gonna check it out.  I was basically tryin' to get a band together.  2001 was my rocknroll comeback year.  I didn't know anybody, so I had to go back to the bars to meet some people who would be into playing.  So I'm there to see the Nightcaps play and I had come to the bar earlier to eat dinner.  And that wasn't sittin' too well in the gut.  So Bobby was tunin' up the bass and the vibrations of the bass was rumblin' my stomach and I really wanted to see the Nightcaps play.  So I had an idea.  Probably not a good idea.  The idea was to go home at my comfortable shitter and take a messy dump.  But that would take 20-30 mins. to get home, 20-30 mins. to take the shit and then 20-30 mins. to get back to the show and that would mean I would probably miss the show.  So I had to think fast because the pain was really bad.  So I drove down fuckin' 21st street and remembered that there was an IHOP in the area and decided to go there.  So I played it off and had them seat me.  The waiter got me some water and I asked him where the bathroom was and went to the bathroom.  That was the whole goal!  So I get back to the seat and the waiter wanted to take my order and then I told him that I forgot my wallet in the car and I needed to get it.  So I get back in the car and pull out all fuckin' nonchalant with the headlights turned off and I get the fuck outta there to see the Nightcaps play.

Drum whores galore!
Where did they fuckin' go?  The only drum whore I knew years ago was pretty much, Surge.  He played in the Nightcaps when I first seen him play.  I heard he played with Buttsteak prior and then he did some shows with the M-80's and then the Nightcaps and he did some work with Lostribe and Black Jesus and then he played with the Candy Snatchers.  He's a great drummer. 


The next drummer I will speak of will be Ash!  I heard he had played for years with Buzzoven and then I caught him in the Shunts and he did shows with the Nightcaps.  He was the drummer for the Horehounds and he sat in with the Stevie and the Secrets and the Strap-ons as well as sitting in with Cobra spa!  I hear that from someone.  I don't think he's currently playin' with anyone right now.  He's a good drummer.

The next one I will talk about with be Greg.  Another drummer from this area, but I think he is the drum whore galore.  There should be a trophy for this title.  If there is a band without a drummer, I'm sure he'll play, well, if it rocks!  I had first heard that he was playin' with Seesaw years ago and then I found out that he played with Thee Apostles probably Black Jesus, the Unabombers, I think he sat in with the Candy Snatchers and he also plays with the Psycholics.  He's a good drummer as well.  These 3 drummers are the only one I know of who have been in multiple bands. 

I can speak of one last drummer, but he tries to do everything.  That guy I speak of will be Collin.  I had first seen him with the Crums, then he moved onto the Candy Snatchers.  I heard he played bass in the Strap-ons or Pimps.  Then like a couple years ago, I heard he played with the Nightcaps and Stevie and the Secrets.  And then he moved onto the Tang-Q.  I don't know what he does nowadays!

Chicks and Cars
Alright, years ago, I was talkin' to a friend of mine and we used to check out all the chicks in the college area in Norfolk, over at ODU!  There were a lotta women there, all shapes and sizes and we would just compare them to cars.  And why not?  We didn't wanna get fired for sexual harrassment by sayin' shit like, "Look at that piece of ass!"  So we needed a code, a language that we both would understand.  Something we could basically just outright say anywhere, anytime of the fuckin' day when we were at ODU!  So we decided to compare all chicks, no matter what they looked like, to cars!  Yep! 

For example, there was this hot chick, let's say, like 5'7" and nice hair, nice legs and nice ass!  She was hot!!!  Well, I would say something like, 'Yeah, she's a 2003 Lexus or Ferrari or something like that!  Nice bumpers and nice wheels!'  And then there would be this not-so good-lookin' chick and we would come to the conclusion of, 'she's a 1974 pinto hatchback with no A/C and a broken 8-track player with no powersteering!'  Yeah, nobody knew what the fuck we were talkin' about!  That was the beauty of it all!   We had an understanding! 

The next bit I'm gonna talk about is about chicks and secret codes!

Secret codes for chicks!
Alright, no matter where you go with a buddy of yers, yer gonna see chicks whether yer lookin' for them or not!  Some of my friends don't know their fuckin' left's from the fuckin' right's and it's pathetic!  Sometimes you don't wanna make staring or lookin' a obvious thing to chicks!  I'm sure they appreciate it in some way.  But in some work places, staring can be considered a form of sexual harrassment!  Who gives a fuck?  Me?  Fuck no!  I look, but then I look away and then look again if she's not lookin'!  That's called a 'double take'!  But sometimes I have to speak in codes to my friends and then I have to explain the whole fuckin' code we're in and you don't wanna make it so obvious!  For example, I'll see a hot chick coming and I'll tell my friend something like this without moving my lips, 'Hey, look to yer left!'  And the fucker looks to his right!  Or I'll use the fuckin' clock method which throws everybody off!  I'll say shit like, 'Alright man, 2'oclock, she's wearin' a tight skirt!'  And my friend will look the other way or say shit like, 'you mean 2'oclock on my clock or your clock?'  

I have another incident whereby I was in a restaurant, alright, Golden Corral, with my friend and there's a whole bunch of trailer skanks up there.  So I'm like lookin' and sayin' shit like, 'Look at that hoochie!' and he pretty much drops his fork and knife and turns like 90 degrees in his chair and looks and says, 'Where?' 

Another incident was really bad.  I was with my girlfriend and my best friend!  My best friend was a guy and we were all hanging out!  No, we weren't gonna have a 3-way!!!   We were all hungry and wanted to get something to eat and my friend said, 'What about Hooters?  It's right over here!'  And I'm like, 'No, let's eat somewhere else!'  And my girlfriend is like, 'What's wrong with Hooters?'  And I said, 'there's nothing wrong with Hooters, let's go baby!'  So we go into Hooters and this is my best friend of 11 years and he's scopin' out the area and checkin' out the scene because he ain't datin' anybody, that bastard!  So there are just tits everywhere!  And my girlfriend is sitting directly in front of me and my best friend is sitting next to her!  So my friend is tryin' to hook me up by giving me eye signals!  I don't know if he was hookin' me up, but the eye signals where much like that of a pitcher and catcher in the game of baseball!  I was the pitcher and he was the catcher!  And my girlfriend is blabbin' about shit and I'm sayin' shit like, 'Yeah,.....uh huh, yeah, I love you too, uh huh, yeah....!!!!'  So I can't even stare at any chicks! That would just totally be wrong to be starin' at chicks in front of my girlfriend!  That's just wrong!  So my friend is givin' me the eye signals and I'm lookin' back at him and I don't even have to make faces at him and he knows I'm pissed off!  It's like he's the catcher askin' for a fastball and I don't want to throw a fast ball!  So I had to create a diversion because there was this hot chick that the catcher wanted me to see!  So I see something on TV and I said to my girlfriend, 'Look!' and I pointed!  So I'm lookin' at my friend and with my eyes, I'm sayin', "where is she?  where the fuck did she go?''  And his eye signals back to me were, 'dude, she's gone, but she was hot!'

What a comparison!?!
I have a friend who has been seein' a couple diffrent chicks in the last year and the pussy he's been in has been compared to that of toilet paper!  I don't know why, but I think that it's a funny thing to write about due to the fact that he didn't wanna say anything for the audiozine!  So I'm gonna write about it. 

There were like 4 diffrent chicks he spoke about!  Not all pussy is alike!  I guess depending on the hygiene and cleanliness of the vag-area, you can make these comparisons!  But like I said, he stated that toilet paper has one purpose, to wipe yer ass!  All these pussies had one purpose, to be fucked and eaten out!  I guess that's 2, but who's cunting, I mean, counting!?!   He's tellin' me that all the pussies feel good, but one in particular felt soft much like that of I guess, Sharmin or even Cottonelle!  The good brand name toilet paper!  And the one that wasn't that great was like the cheap shit paper you get with no brand name, it just says TOILET PAPER on the label!  I was gonna say that it's probably the kind of toilet paper you steal! 

Yeah, not all landing strips are the same.  Some may have lots of vegetation much like that of a jungle or the bush!  And then some dugouts may just be clean with no branches to be found.  But I guess in my friend's case, it's toilet paper!  Not all toilet papers are the same!  If you can drop and egg on it and the egg doesn't break, then that pussy is probably good!  I don't know!

When is it prostitution?
I don't know!  I guess when yer with a prostitute!?!  Who the fuck knows?!?  I hate it when you try to make the best outta the date, do the nice dinner, yadda, yadda, yadda to get some sex!  And why the fuck not?  Yer tryin' to treat the chick right, right?  Is that prostitution?  Buyin' her dinner and then expecting sex?  I mean, would you buy a hooker dinner?  Well, if I knew I didn't have to buy the chick dinner and we had sex, then it's not prostitution.  But if she's wants dinner, but the bitch some food, geezus!  There are fine lines that are and can be crossed with this issue.  I just think sometimes, guys expect sex as I do with the chicks!  Why go outta yer way for a chick if she ain't gonna go outta her way to do the same? 

I mean, I know I won't be sayin' shit like, "hey baby, you got the steak tonight, so you know what I want!!!"  I wish it was that easy, but it's not!  I have referred to this as the friendship/relationship syndrome.  It's really easy.  You take the chick to Golden Corral, then yer probably friends and she probably thinks of you as a gay male friend.  You take her to Red Lobster, then yer probably doin' her!  I don't know!   I usually give a visual for people to understand this syndrome.  I usually have my left hand and my right hand.  I act like they're walking.  The hands represent a guy and a girl.  When the guy and the girl are walkin' far apart, then it's a friendship.  If the hands represent the universal sign of fucking, by that I mean, the index finger going into the circle made by the other index finger and thumb, then it's a relationship!  So I'll ask people about certain people and I will use the hand gestures when I ask them, 'Are you in a friendship or relationship?'

Times are tough nowadays!  It's tough being single.  Sometimes you go back to old girlfriends from the past.  Yeah, I'll admit, I have!  But is it prostitution when you have sex with a girlfriend and she wants to borrow money from you?  Is that prostitution?  I think it's alittle diffrent, I guess!  I guess I can't just talk to a hooker about work and shit like that, because I would probably be charged the time!  I mean, I don't just fuck my girlfriend and she's got some fuckin' Taxi meter going, drivin' me around the same block!  Sometimes, you can feel like yer fuckin' a hooker when it's a girlfriend and you end up broke.  I don't know what to think or say about this matter! 

Chicken or Egg?

Which one is worse for you?  Who the fuck knows?  Everybody says the fuckin' yoke is bad, but it's the best part of the fuckin' egg!  Egg whites are hard to eat.  Not the best tastin' part of the egg.  Chicken only really tastes good when it's deep-fried at KFC or some other deep-fryer place!  Why are eggs bad?  Or are they fuckin' bad?  I don't fuckin' know!  I think eggs are just as bad as a greasy chicken because isn't the fuckin' egg gonna grow up to be the fuckin' greasy chicken?!?  Let's think!  Hmmmm... the fuckin' egg comes outta the fuckin' chicken's ass!  And it is like what becomes a chicken.  But people keep tellin' me, 'Only if it's fertilized!'  Of fuckin' course!  So if it ain't fuckin' fertilized, is the fuckin' egg a fuckin' fruit now?!?!?!?!  What the fuck!?!  There's cholesterol in everything you fuckin' eat whether it's the fuckin' greasy mommy chicken or the unborn baby chicken!  Hard-boiled, poached, sunny-side up, over-easy, broiled, deep-fried, country fried!  I don't understand the term, Chicken fried chicken!  What the fuck does that mean?  Or refried beans?  Are the fuckin' beans refried before they put them in the fuckin' can?  Are they fuckin' fried twice before they put them in the can or is this a command?  Shouldn't they call it, "You need to refry these beans, homes!"  Or they should call them, "Re-Refried beans!"  Let's get back to the fuckin' chicken issue!  I guess I don't know much about chicken reproduction due to the fact that chickens are being mass-produced via cloning!  I take it, chickens don't fuck!  The female chickens lay the fuckin' eggs and the fuckin' male chickens or roosters fertilize the fuckin' eggs!  Whatever they do, whoever the fuck knows, I like 'em deep-fried and I eat the unborn babies hard-boiled and in omlette form with ketchup, lotsa of it!

Where did the term, 'chokin' the chicken' come from?   Was some guy in a fuckin' coop beatin' off while another guy was actually chokin' a chicken?  I think that actually happend and the conversation went like this: 'Hey man, that dare looks like yer chokin' a chicken!'  What are you doin', man?  Yer gettin' stuff all over the place!  It's throwin' up all over the place, man!  Oh, I thought you were chokin' a chicken!  I'll just leave you alone in privacy!'

Money matters
Alright, money, money, money, fuckin' money!  We work for it, we spend it, some people work for it, never see it and it just becomes an endless cycle!  Well, this bit is about the currency.  Why it is, what it is!  What the hell am I talkin' about?  I'm talkin' about the issue of who's who on the money and why they are on the money.

Years ago, they were issuing some fuckin' gold coins that were worth a dollar. Almost the size of a quarter and they had a picture of Sacajawea.  Who the fuck is she?  Well, if you took American history and at least got a D-, you shouldn't be a fuckin' citizen of this fuckin' country!  No, she was the chick who was fuckin' Captain John Smith way back in the day. She was an indian chick.  I think she showed him around this country, smoked a little tribal THC and fucked him!  And she made it on a fuckin' coin!  And she's worth a dollar!  Which brings me to the other dollar coin, the Susan B. Anthony coin.  She fought for woman's rights and suffrage.  And she made it on a coin as well.  This is almost the size of a quarter as well.  I never understood this.  They aren't even presidents!  And one was an indian chick!  I guess anybody can be on a coin nowadays!?! 

Now, the presidents, well, some are on dollar bills and coins.  For example, the first president of this country is worth $1.25.  The 16th president is worth $5.01.  I never understood why George Washington was only worth one dollar, being the first president of the United States of America!?!  Then you have Roosevelt on the 2 dollar bill and came about years after Lincoln.  And the faces on Mt. Rushmore!  What's the deal with that?  Roosevelt was a president, but what the fuck did he do that's so special?  He's just 2 dollars!  Oh yeah, Franklin wasn't a president at all. And he's worth 100 bucks!  I wonder who's gonna be on more currency!  What's the deal with the state quarters?  This is a big marketing scheme!  Shouldn't they be state half-dollars?  There are 50 fuckin' states!?!  Do the math!  I don't fuckin' know! 

Sex with the ex-
I was with the ex- last week and we were havin' some ex- sex!  So she's not what she used to be!  Alright, I'll explain!  When we were datin' 5 years ago, she had some very nice 36C tits!  Since she's very petite and like 110 pounds, her boobs looked very big and they were.  5 years later, her tits don't seem to be what they used to be!  And I wasn't gonna tell her that.  They seemed to be very nice lookin', but not like they were, a C-cup!  It did seem like her tits decreased in size, but they were still nice!  And, of course, I wasn't gonna tell her, that would probably kill the mood and Sambone would've left with no pussy!  So I just licked away and went about my business!

You know it's bad.......
-when yer listenin' to the Jerky boys doing a crank call to a doctor's office about genital warts and you have a co-worker agreeing with the proper procedures of burning them off!

-when you know a chick who has to go to another country because she can't get laid in her own country!
-when you know a chick who has a laminated insurance form for the clinic!
-when you know a chick who has a bed like that of a doctor's office! When yer done, you pull the paper off the bed and replace it with new paper!

CHILITO'S WAY
Who the hell is Chilito?  No, it's 'what the hell is a chilito?' Well, years ago, at Taco Hell, they had this thing called a Chilito which they have renamed as the Chili Cheese burrito!  And I as well as many others knew that this thing was dangerous.  One bite and you'd be down, well, yer pants would be down and you'd be hurtin'!  It was the only burrito in the taco bell menu which wasn't really colon friendly. 

Back in the early 90's, I was with a buddy of mine and we were the Military mall area and we went to a taco bell to eat!  I decided to try the Chilito!  It was new on the market of Taco hell!  Well, I knew something was wrong, I took one bite and I was hurtin'!  I told my friend to drive me home quick!  We're goin' thru fuckin' red lights and I just had to shit really badly!  And I did!  I was in pain!  I didn't wanna use the taco bell shitters due to the fact they look like the ones at the bus station and we won't go there!  I had to be at my own private shitter at home!  You feel more at ease when yer lettin' out the cheese from the chilito!

Undigestable foods
Ever wonder about these things?  Why the fuck do we eat shit we can't fuckin' digest?!?  Our fuckin' guts rumble thunder and then our colons suffer the consequences!  Geezus!  These foods are just not colon friendly!  Let's take Oreos for example.  Great fuckin' cookies, but when you eat enough of 'em, you shit Oreos!  YOu've got mississippi mud comin' outta yer ass! 

What about fuckin' corn?  Everytime I eat corn, I always wonder if I'm chewin' the fuckin' shit!  Because that shit comes out the way it went it!  YOu might as well fuckin' open the fuckin' can of corn and just pour it into the fuckin' shitter!  What's the deal with cream of corn?  Or corn chowder?  What the fuck is that?!?

What's the deal with fuckin' peanuts?  You eat the fuckers and then you've got Baby Ruths comin' outta yer ass!

Why eat the foods if you can't fuckin' digest the fuckin' foods?!?  It sucks!

Hot and cold, big sized shoes, cheap and poor
There's a big diffrence when you come to these terms!  I'll speak about the subject of big sized shoes!  I just recently ordered some cool ass boots and I ordered them a fuckin' size larger than what I usually wear, I ordered a size 12!  And it's fuckin' hard to tell with shoes and fuckin' boots, because these fuckers aren't made in the same fuckin' place.  And I wear shoes and boots in sizes ranging from 10.5-13 depending on the shoe.  That fuckin' sucks!  So I get the fuckin' 12 and it's too fuckin' big!  Not that big, but they were loose and I was not happy!  If I wanted the 11, I would have to send these back, pay the postage plus insurance and probably some other fees and that still would not guarantee if the 11 would fit!  It would suck to pay all the extra money to find out that the boots were too small!  So I kept the fuckers!  I'd figure that I could have big boots and make the motherfuckers fit by puttin' insoles and shit inside the fuckin' boots and it fuckin' workt!  So fuck it man!

Now, with being hot and cold, it just sucks!  I love cold weather!  The reason being that in cold fuckin' weather, you can be cold and you can make yerself fuckin' warm if need fuckin' be!  In hot weather, yer gonna be fuckin' hot and you can't make yerself cold unless you work in a fuckin' AC'd workplace, you have AC in yer car and AC where you fuckin' live!  In the winter, you can fuckin' put on a fuckin' blanket if yer cold, even throw the fuckin' blanket over yer head if yer that cold and if you get fuckin' hot, you can take the fuckin' blanket off or just stick yer leg out to cool down!

With being cheap or poor!  Hey, I work one slack ass job.  I don't make much money due to the fact that I just don't!  And I have mucho fuckin' bills out the ass!  So I have friends who want me to come out and party with them and I usually just flake on them due to the fact that I'm poor!  I don't have the money, so I can't spend it.  I'm not cheap!  A cheap fucker has the money, but doesn't want to spend it!

Chris' hemrocks
Alright, years ago, I had this friend named Chris.  He got me into the whole music thing.  He wanted to start a band after we graduated high school, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada.  So one night, we're back from walkin' to 7-11 his house and he's askin' me this question: "Dude, does yer ass ever bleed when you take a shit?"  I was shocked!  I was like, "dude, you don't have hemrrhoids, you have hemrocks!  That's fucked up!"


sara in bathroom next to me
So I go to lunch with some co-workers and we went to a Mexican restaurant one time.  All I know is, on the ride back to work, I had to take a massive dump and I know that Sara said she had to as well!  I didn't think she was serious!  So we get back and we both immediately go to the bathrooms on the first floor of the library.  It was very uncharacteristic of me considering the fact that I use the 3rd floor shitters.  So I'm in there in one bathroom and I wasn't sure if Sara was in the other one still, so I'm in the bathroom, shittin' my ass off!  I'm sure as a lady, Sara would probably disguise her excretory activities with constant movement of the roll of toilet paper or turning on the faucets.  No, I'm a guy and I was lettin' loose, I use that term loosely.  It was pretty much silent in her bathroom and I've got fuckin' Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass comin' outta my ass!  Yeah, it was pretty bad, I had to double flush!


Raisin bran crunch
Gawd, if you ever see this cereal, get it, it's fuckin' great!  Yeah, I had a run in with it!  It left me confused!  I never knew what to think.  I would eat this cereal every morning at work and I would run to the bathroom.  I wasn't sure if I was lactose intolerant or what.  Sometimes I would shit blood!  And then I wouldn't know what the fuck was going on!  But I haven't had that cereal in a long time until recently and I've been alright!  But I've come to a sayin' for co-workers who know all about my colon, RBC didn't produce RBC's!   What the fuck?   It stands for Raisin Bran Crunch didn't produce Red Blood Cells!

pulling the car over on 464!
Sometimes in life, you've gotta just pull over the car!  It'll be for yer own good.  Trust me!  I did!  What did I do?  I pulled the car over!  Well, it was a hot summer day last year and I was in Newport News going to my favorite music store, Rippers and I decided to go get some lunch while I was out there!  So I go over to the restaurant next door and order an Italian sub.  So eat the fucker and Ripper sez to me, "how was the sub?"  I said it was good.  And then he sez some shit like, "Yeah, just wait until the oils and vinegar tumble in yer gut and you gotta good really bad!"  And I was like, "why the fuck did you recommend that sub!?!?!?!"  Anyways, I needed lunch and it didn't really hit me until I was leaving Rippers and I'd figure I'd go use my shitter when I got home! 

WHOOOOO!  Little did I know that there was gonna be some tunnel traffic from 464 to 64!  Fuckin' bastards!  So with my rumblin' stomach and like my shit was touchin' cotton, I pulled the car over on 464.  I hopped over the railing, ran down the ditch, dropped my shorts and blew some fuckin' mud and that sandwich!  It was nasty.  And difficult, I might add, I had to hold onto a fuckin' plant as I was shittin' due to the fact that the ditch was like at a 45 degree angle and I'm tryin' not to shit on myself!  It was horrible.  Yeah, I had to fuckin' wipe my ass with my fuckin' underwear and toss the fuckers!  I pulled my shorts back up and rode back home!  I just know it was gonna suck sittin' in traffic all fuckin' uncomfy with fuckin' an Italian sub tumblin' and rumblin' in my gut with no AC in my car just to look at other fuckin' people and tourists in their cars with their AC's blastin' and hair blowin' in the wind from the AC and I swears to fuckin' Gawd that there was this chick in a car with her AC blastin' and she was wearin' a sweatshirt and I'm in my truck with no AC and I'm sweatin' blood!  It's fucked up, but sometimes when there are no rest areas and you've gotta go, pull the truck over and hop the railing!   I did!





You know you've got it bad....
Alright, everybody has it! You know you ain't feelin' so hot! You ate something that you probably shouldn't've eaten. Or you ate something you know you shouldn't've eaten. You've got the inside farts going and yer stomach's makin' noises like yer tryin' to have a conversation with Flipper or even Orka! And you know you've let it go too far when that happens! You know when you go to the shitter that it's gonna be bad! Yer gonna be spittin' mud all over the place! Probably blood, if you ate some Raisin Bran Crunch and
with 2 day expired milk! Note: If it's past the expiration date, it's expired! There's an expiration date for a reason! And it doesn't mean it's fresh because it's been in a carton or that you finally decide to open the fawkin' Marva maid carton 2 days after the expiration date! Yer playin' with mother nature, more like yer poor sore colon! And yer whole fawkin' GI tract for that matter! Anyways, you go to the shitter and yer doing the 'I gotta shit really bad dance!' because yer tryin' to loosen yer belt, pull down yer pants and on top of that yer sterilizin' the fawkin' shitter seat because you have to! You don't know who the fawks been on the shitter before you and you probably don't wanna know! All I know is this, I pretty much try to sterilize the seat by wipin' it down and layin' all this shit paper on the seat like I'm takin' a shit at the bus station or at the mall or something! It's nasty, believe me! So you make sure the shit paper is set on the shitter so that when you put yer ass on the shitter, no part of yer fuckin' ass
or legs touch any of the seat or porcelain! So yer lookin' back at the seat as you place yer ass on the shitter like yer backin' up a fuckin' tow truck! Also, so that you don't knock any of the shit paper off the seat! Well, yer spittin' mud like yer givin' birth to a fuckin' calf, almost like that of eatin' oreos and then sneezing! The same effect, trust me! So yer done and you've gotta wipe yer ass! Now, you know you just took a double diarrhea and you go to get the shit paper and you keep wrappin' yer asswiping hand like
yer bandagin' a fawkin' tourniquet! So you go to wipe and the fawkin' paper just melts on yer ass like a fawkin' snowball in the fire! So you've gotta wipe and keep wipin' until yer shit paper comes back white! And if you see blood, then you've gotta cut out the Raisin Bran Crunch!

"YOU KNOW YER TAKIN' A MEAN SHIT WHEN.....

-you know yer takin' a mean shit when you start crackin' knuckles in yer spine!

-you know yer takin' a mean shit when even you (the only person immune to yer shitty ass!) can't stand the smell!

-you know yer takin' a mean shit when yer sooo glad that you made it to the shitter!

-you know yer takin' a mean shit when yer sooo glad that you made it to your own shitter!

-you know yer takin' a mean shit when you bring the phone, the newspaper and a crossword puzzle to the shitter!

-you know yer takin' a mean shit when the cat is outside the bathroom and he's scratchin' the floor like he's tryin' to bury yer ass in the litter box!!!


you know it's a bad scene in the restroom when....

-the lights are still on in the restroom, this simply means that whomever was there last took a shit so bad that it left the person so confused and disarrayed that he/she forgot to turn off the lights!
                               
-when the water in the shitter's got the ripple effect going on like somebody's been skippin' rocks!!!  And we ain't talkin' just a ripple effect, more like a fudge ripple effect and not some Breyer's shit, talkin' some low budget High's ice cream shit!
                               
-the toilet seat is down!
                               
-when the toilet seat is wet!
                               
-when there are scraps of toilet paper on the floor!
                               
-the door handle is wet!
                               
-there are a stack of magazines on the restroom floor!

Ok, awhile back I had an email about what to expect when you enter a bathroom.  For example, when the light is off and the lid on the toilet is down, that usually means that someone was takin' care of business! 

Well, here's a new one!  Someone must've had a bad morning up here, because the door was propped open with a small trash can!  WHOO!  Ventilation!


my first date with karen
You all probably know this chick, I dated and I've probably talked about her or wouldn't shut up about, but we had a very interesting first date.  I call her from work and she tells me how to get to her place.  I get over there and she's got her apartment door wide open and all these candles lit.  So we're both just hangin' out and she's drinkin' wine and I'm drinkin' beer and eatin' nuts.  We finally decide where we're gonna go for dinner and it was the Outback. 

We get there and order up all this shit and we basically only eat the fuckin' bloomin' onion!  It was good though!  We both got stuffed on that.  We're leaving and she wants to go to my place in Norfolk and I told her that we should just go to her place in VB.  So we do that.  So I'm not feelin' so great and she wants to watch a movie and we do.  So she's sittin' on one side of the couch and I'm sittin' on the other.  The whole time through the movie, I'm in pain because I've gotta shit really bad and I wanted to wait until I got home.  So I'm tryin' not to fart and I'm havin' these fuckin' inside farts from hell and they were fuckin' loud motherfuckers too!  And I know she could hear them because she would look over outta the corner of her eye and then look back at the movie!  It was hilarious!  I kept scooting outta the couch and I was pretty much on my tippy toes because I was tryin' to hold my shits!  So finally, that long fuckin' 2-hour fuckin' movie was finally fuckin' over!  Geezus Fuckin' Ka-rye-st!  So she gets up and says, "do you want some tea?"  I said, "Sure"!  So she makes the tea and she comes back, "Here's some tea!  If you need to go take a shit, have a blow out!  I have some sprays and candles!"  So I ran to the bathroom and shit my brains out!

So the next date, I come over to her place and she's got rolls of toilet paper trailed to the bathroom and I knew I was in love!

Chicks fart, too!
They do!  I was on the couch lyin' down with my girlfriend and I feel this rush of heat to my knee.  After a couple of minutes, I whispered in her ear, "was I suppose to ignore that?  You just farted on my knee!"

One time we were wakin' up in the morning and she basically let on go underneath the sheets and I look over to her and say, "baby, did you just bust ass?"  and she replied, "I reckon!"

She also farted while we were having sex, but I think she queefed or something!  I didn't wanna lose the mood and we just kept fuckin'! 

And recently, we're not dating anymore, but she told me that she was real gassy when we were dating!  OH LOVELY!!!

Fried egg vs. Scrambled egg
Okay, I'm not gonna make a big fuckin' fuss about this shit!  An egg is a fuckin' egg!  I was askin' a question about whether or not this person liked fried eggs and I got the reply that she liked scrambled and I said, scrambled eggs are fried eggs, right?  I got a reply that they were scrambled, not fried!  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm........how do you cook an egg?  There are many ways to cooks eggs, you can boil them to have either soft boiled eggs or hard boiled eggs, right?!?  You can have them oven cooked to be poached, I guess, I don't know!  Then you can cook them in a FRYING PAN and have fried eggs whether they be scrambled, over-easy, sunny-side up or whatever!  You put fuckin' scrambled eggs in a frying pan!  YOu don't just fuckin' crack the fuckers open, put them in a bowl, scramble the fuck outta them and then not put them in a FRYING PAN!  A scrambled egg is a fuckin' fried egg!  A type of fried eggs!  So if someone asks you if you like fried eggs and you reply, "No, I like them scrambled!", then that's the type of fried egg you want!  It's like if yer at IHOP or any other drunk diners open real late and they ask you how you like yer eggs, they're not just gonna scramble yer scrambled eggs, they're gonna fry the fuckers, hence, FRIED EGGS!  They all go on a grill in a restaurant/diner!  Just like a square!  It's a four-sided fuckin' figure!  I'm gonna go Geometry on yer asses!!!!  A rectangle is a fuckin' 4-sided figure, so it's also a fuckin' square!  So is a rhombus!  I don't wanna go too far with this square shit, but I hope you get the picture about the fuckin' FRIED fuckin' EGGS!!!!!

The TOP TEN reasons I don't date:
-It's for the fuckin' birds!!!

-Fuck it man, if she don't wanna fuck, then we ain't gonna fuck!

-it's sooo fuckin' high schoolish!

-I ain't got no money!

-if sex ain't on the TOP 1 list of reasons why we should date, then why date!?!

Names you've probably not heard!
A wet wonka is a when you know you need to fart and you know you have to sometime shit in the near future and you try to release the fart and you have a wet fart!

A bloody Barry is when you have to shit really bad and it makes yer ass all bloody because yer shit is probably too fuckin' big to be comin' outta yer ass!

Shitting can be like an M-16
I was in the Marine Corps for 5 years of my life and I had to learn about a weapon which I was to use in rifle qualification and in the event of war, that weapon I talk about is the M-16.  The M-16 has 3 settings in the fire mode much like that of yer ass.  The 3 settings would be:  like a regular setting, one shot at a time, then I think there is a 3-round burst setting and I think an automatic setting!  Now, the regular setting is like that of yer ass whereby yer ass will shit like one nugget or lump at a time.  The 3-round burst setting will be like 3 nuggets at a time with probably some farts!  And the automatic setting would be like constant chocolax lincoln logs non-stop!!!

Bathroom etiquette
Yeah, I work in a medical library and the bathrooms are sooo disgusting!  I mean, the students here are suppose to be future doctors and sanitation and hygiene SHOULD be key factors in medical school, but they're not!  It's pretty bad when you've gotta wipe down the shitter seat before you take a number 2!  Well, I do that anyways, because I don't wanna sit in someone else's piss or shit!  As a matter of a fact, I put so much shit paper on the seat, it looks like I rolled the fuckin' shitter!  Well, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Closed lid
means that the shit was sooo bad, that even if you did flush everything in site, the smell was just soooo bad!

Double flush or Courtesy flush
Sometimes you've gotta flush twice or even 3 times to get the fecal DNA outta the bowl as well as the fecal aroma!

Fancy Feet
Alright, this is nothin' fuckin' fancy, just the fact that you see feet is a reason!!!!  What reason do I speak of?  Alright, I know this is on everyone's mind when they step fuckin' foot in the bathroom, you look to see if someone's in the shitter by means of seeing if there are feet present!  I mean, when I'm doin' a number 2, I don't expect someone to come to the door and try to open it up!  It's fuckin' locked and locked for a fuckin' reason!  Geezus fuckin' karyst, the fuckin' smell alone will tell you fuckers that there is someone takin' a shit and don't try to open the fuckin' door!  I know I'm fuckin' asian, but I ain't that short!!!  My fuckin' feet touch the floor when I shit!


Animal similarities
Animals kinda mimic humans sometimes and do things which represent things that humans do.  For example, a human would put the lid down on the shitter if he took a mean dump.  A cat would get outta the litter box and start scratching outside the litter box tryin' to bury the litter box with anything in sight or even just keep scratching the floor!

Another example, I had a friend who played guitar, well, he tried, he sucked, but I didn't wanna tell him that!  So one day while he was playin' guitar, his dog came up to him and took a dump in front of his guitar amp!

Merck Manual
Alright, what the hell is a Merck Manual?  It's a manual they use in the medical fields dedicated to providing reliable, easy-to-use medical information.  Yep, that's what it is!  Well, this story is about an incident which happend on the job at Barnes and Noble when I workt there as a bookseller.  I never knew what exactly was in a Merck manual except that it was a medical reference book that was sold in the store. 

Well, it was one hot summer day and I think it was in 2000 when I was first there and I was workin' the cash registering line and ringing up customers.  I hear over the PA that they needed assistance from Dave, a filerpiner bookseller.  They needed him in the reference section.  What was I to find out was that there was this spanish speaking customer who knew very little to no english and they called every spanish speaking/spanish decent/spanish last name having-person in the store to help this poor woman!  Dave tried his hardest to help her and then he gets on the PA and calls me over to reference!  I didn't know what the fuck was going on, so I had to help them.  So I leave the registers and go over to reference. 

As I get to the reference section, I see Dave tryin' to talk to this spanish speaking woman wearing a red dress.  with a child in a stroller!  She was tryin' to speak spanish to Dave and Dave couldn't understand it at all!  And Dave asks me, "dude, how many years of spanish did you take in high school?"  I told him 3!  And he responds, "help me out here!"  So we're both tryin' to help her out.  I noticed that she was very uncomfortable and pacing and kind like she was anxious about something.  We didn't know what was going on.  She was sayin' shit like, 'Oye!  Oye!   Oye!'  We didn't know what to do.  So finally she was sayin' more stuff like, 'Oye, oye, oye!' and also like scratching her hips and thighs.  Me and Dave were kinda puzzled.  Then she proceeds to pull up her dress and says, 'Oye, oye, oye, no es bueno!'  And I pull Dave to the side and I says to him, "dude, I think she's got like a vaginal itch or something!?!"  And Dave says, 'Dude, I think she needs a Merck Manual!!!'

What's the deal with....?
-that fuckin' underscore ( _ ) in people's email addresses?  I hate that shit!!!
-tHe PeOplE wHo WrItE LiKE ThiS?  I hate that shit!

Cell phones with spoilers
Shit just gets outta hand sometimes!  I mean, I first got a cell phone years ago because I had a pager which my girlfriend gave to me because she wanted to page me whenever she wanted to contact me!  It was like a fuckiní leash!  But I had to finally breakdown and get a cell phone because people would page me and I would be on the road somewheres and I needed to wait at least until I got home to call these fuckers back!  So I got one and even though I have one, I donít really use it much!  I guess itís usually for emergencies!  But itís my actual phone and when you have these phones, itís hard to find a fuckiní phone company who ainít gonna fuckiní rape yer ass! 

So I finally got one!  I was pretty expensive and convenient for me because it was a small cell unlike ones Iíve seen!  This one chickís cell phone was fuckiní ri-fuckiní diculous!  Her fuckiní antenna would fuckiní light up!  That was fuckiní gay as hell!  And she had the face of the phone fuckiní changed to some fuckiní Nísync picture!?!  And I think, Iím not sure, but I think on the back, she had a spoiler put it!  Iím just waitiní for her to hang some fuckiní fuzzy fuckiní dice on her fuckiní antenna!

Itís a fuckiní cell phone, not a fuckiní car!  

Groupies
So I'm talkin' to this chick at work!  She's a hot blonde!  And I was tellin' her that I wanted to take my band out to Europe to do a European tour.  Her eyes just fuckin' lit up!  And she pretty much just said, "hey, I wanna be yer groupie!"  And then I responded, ''That's cool, but yer gonna have to carry equipment!"  And then she replied, "Damn, I have to have sex with the band and carry equipment!?!"  Then I said, "well............, you don't have to carry equipment!!!"  I don't ever know what happend to her!  She's gone! 

There was this other chick who wanted to buy my records and she did and she said she wanted to be my groupie!  Then I replied, "Well, you know what that entails!?!"  And I pretty much didn't say much after that due to the fact that I was in the workplace and didn't wanna get fired for sexual harrassment!  Of course, groupie means sex!   Me and this one chick agreed with that statement!  You can't have some Half-Assed Groupies, because that's just wrong!  That's wrong in all senses of the word, 'Groupie'!  I mean, if you take the letters of the word, 'Half-Assed Groupie', it spells out 'HAG' and that's probably not the type of example of a groupie anyfuckin' ways! 

Groupies are suppose to put out, get the beers for the band, carry some equipment here and there, give hand jobs in the hallways, blowjobs in the boiler rooms, and other shit that groupies are known to do!  That's just the facts of life in rocknroll!  If you wanna be a groupie, you gotta do these things, you can't be Half-Assed or yer just a fuckin' HAG!


Handicapped
vs.
Disabled
Alright, what the fuck is the deal with this shit?  That do these terms mean?!? 

Handicapped- 1) s :incapacitated by injury or illness .

Disabled-  1) s :incapacitated by injury or illness
---------------------------
2) s :so badly injured as to be unable to continue
Example: disabled veterans
---------------------------
3) n :people who are crippled or otherwise physically handicapped

I guess these 2 terms are the same or mean the same thing!  And in my opinion, it means you shouldn't be in a car driving if you are any of these descriptions!  It's fucked up!  Now if you define the word, incapacitated: lacking in or deprived of strength or power.  Well, you definately shouldn't be in a car, if you ain't got the fuckin' strength or power!  Especially, if you are INCAPACITATED by injury or illness!  I'm sure people get in fuckin' accidents all the fuckin' time!  I mean, if you got in a car accident and you became incapacitated, then I'm sure it would be so fuckin' traumatic that you wouldn't wanna drive or be in a car for awhile or ever again!  Disabled and handicapped people are that way for a reason.  These types of people can cause other people to become disabled and handicapped!  Accidents can happen, road rage, shit happens!  These fuckers have to drive just like everyfuckin'bodyelse!  Nobody gets special treatment or should get special treatment!  If yer in a car and on the road, yer just like everybody else who's in a car and on the road!  When yer on the road, everybody's the same!!!!  If yer in a fuckin' wheelchair and you have a car, you shouldn't be driving!  It's like yer living a lie!  You have on yer driver's license, excuse me, yer handicapped drivers' license, that yer 5'11" and you can't really tell because yer in a wheelchair. And you can't prove it because the reason why you are in a wheelchair is because you can't stand up or walk and if you could stand up or walk, you wouldn't be in a wheelchair!  I mean, you don't see Christopher Reeve drivin' up in a Mercedes?  There's just too many people out on the road who shouldn't be on the road!

Being Handicapped and Disabled means you can park close to any building you go to!  These people pretty much rule the world!  They get special fuckin' treatment and if a fuckin' building ain't fuckin' accessible for them, they get a ramp built!  They even get their own special buses!  And the buses ain't even crowded or full, you know why, because they're disabled or handicapped!  Disabled people don't work, they're disabled for a reason, work disability?!?  I'm sure there are disabled people and handicapped people who do actually work!  But what do they do?  Who knows?  Where do they work?  Who knows?  Where does the special short bus take them?  Who knows? 

But where do we draw the fuckin' lines with this shit!  Handicapped, are you born this way?  Disabled, are you born this way?  I think disabled means that you were abled at one time and became disabled, hence, disabled veteran!  I'm sure the fuckin' military didn't send a bunch of crippled fucks out to 'Nam!?!  I guess yer born handicapped!  And then you get labeled as a handicap!  Well, with the whole bus situation, are all the disabled people riding with the handicapped people?  And what about the mental retarded people?  Aren't they handicapped?  I mean, if you hurt yer knee in a sporting event and you had to ride a special bus with retards, what's up with that?  I'm guessin' that being mentally retarded makes you handicapped!  Now, mentally retarded people shouldn't be driving at all!  All old people have to ride a special bus too!  Does that make them handicapped?  Old people definately shouldn't drive!  If yer retired, you should be retired from everything, especially driving! 

So if yer old, you shouldn't be driving and just because yer old, it doesn't make you handicapped or disabled, it makes you old!  You should be in a car if you ain't gonna abide by the rules that everybody fuckin' else has to abide by, drive the same posted fuckin' speed limits, turn off the blinker when yer not makin' a turn, stop at fuckin' green fuckin' lights and you all know what the fuck I'm talkin' about!  And the handicapped and disabled people, you guys get yer special fuckin' buses which take you anywhere in the fuckin' world!  You shouldn't be driving!  I'm not fuckin' handicapped or disabled and how come I can't drive a fuckin' car with some fuckin' AC!  You guys got it so good with yer AC and yer fuckin' ramps and yer close fuckin' parkin' spaces and yer special license plates and yer buses and yer rascals and shit!

Whatís the deal withÖÖ.?
-Eckerds and fuckiní Walgreens?  When you see a fuckiní Eckerds, thereís a Walgreens like fifty feet away!   Whatís up with that?!?  I think this drug store is fuckiní owned by the same fuckiní person!  Just like the fuckiní Shoneys and Capt. Dís!  Theyíre fuckiní close to each other!  But all the fuckiní Shoneys are a dyiní breed nowadays!  But you see all the fuckiní Taco Bells and KFCís and the Pizza Huts in close proximity!  I donít know!  One man, one company, owns everything!  Who the fuck knows!?!

You know you've made it when............
-the cd of yer band is already in the used bin at Vertigo music!
-when yer cd is on Amazon.com
-bootlegs of yer cd are being sold at fuckin' flea markets!

What's the deal with the fuckin' self-check out counters?
How fuckin' lazy do you have to be to work at a fuckin' WalMart with fuckin' self-checkout counters?  The fuckin' cashiers are just standin' there watchin' yer dumbass fuckin' up the shit, scannin' shit twice and fuckin' shit!  Why are we even buyin' the product that pays the salary of the cashier to just have that person just watch you do her fuckin' work!  What's up with that shit?!?!/!?  Then they come up to you and say some shit like, "you scanned it wrong!" and you come back sayin' shit like, "I know, it's yer fuckin' job!  I'm payin' for shit to ring shit up which is yer fuckin' job to begin with and yer just watchin' me!  You get paid to watch me make yer fuckin' paycheck!"  What's the fuckin' deal with that shit!?!?!

The TOP 5 people I hate:
1. Doctors:  I've always hate doctors, most especially, dentists!  I just don't trust them at all!  There's a reason for the word, Malpractice!
2. Lawyers:  I've never had to deal with lawyers and hopefully I never have to!  I've just seen my girlfriend get screwed outta tons of money and I just can't seem to wanna trust them!
3. Mechanics:  This goes without fuckin' sayin'!  I'm sure everyone hates fuckin' mechanics!!!
4. Insurance agents:  Just like the lyin' fuckin' lawyers and politicians in this fuckin' country on a lower scale!!!
5. Cover bands:  These people should be shot by fuckin' snipers!

The Do's and Don't's of the Buffet!
I've been hittin' the buffets for the past couple of years!  When I was younger, I had no concept of buffets at all!  My parents would take me to one and I would get grossed out!  I think it was due to the fact that they took me to a Western Sizzlin' and somebody puked and it was so traumatic that I didn't want to go to a buffet ever again!  Then I discovered the Shoney's breakfast buffet.  That was the shit back in the day and if you can find a Shoney's and yer up early enough for breakfast, fuckin' go to that fuckin' place!

Other buffets have sprouted up and about in the last few years due to maximum cloning of anything you can fuckin' stick in yer fuckin' mouth!  But the only reason people go to buffets is to fuckin' eat and pretty much eat until they get tired, eat until they have a heart attack, eat until the heart rate goes up, eat until the place kicks them the fuck out, or for various varieties of food!  I go for all these reasons!  It's the American fuckin' way!  Freedom of choice and who the fuck is gonna pay 10 fuckin' bucks for one plate of fuckin' food?  Not Bulimia Bob or I'm sorry, Ralph of the South!  Nope, when you eat at these places, you wanna get yer money's worth of food, quantity, quality and satisfaction!  And do you tip at buffets?  I don't see why you should tip!  I don't think it's wrong, but if the bitch ain't gonna git my food, then no dollar bills are comin' outta my pocket!  Hey, it's a fuckin' buffet, feed yer fuckin' self!!!

I have learned in these years that I'm usually only good for 2 plates of food!  I remember eatin' upwards of 3-4 plates of food!  That's fuckin' insane and ridiculous!  But 2 plates will suffice for now!  And it really depends on the buffet!  You've got chinese buffets, Golden Corrals, Pizza Sluts and some other ones I can't really remember, oh yeah, Mexican buffets as well, oh yeah and seafood buffets!

I have made a do's and don't's list that I think should be followed if you venture any buffets in yer near future:

Do's
-if yer on a budget and yer just there for the food, just get water!
-if you do decide to get the yeast rolls at a buffet, there is a dark butter!  it's dark and it means there is honey in it, honey butter!  it rules! 
-if yer into breakfast food, go to Golden Corral, it's awesome!
 
Don't's
-load up on breadsticks or yeast rolls, they expand in yer gut and you can't get the quantity of food yer there to get!
-and if yer at a Pizza Slut, don't eat the crusts on the pan pizza, save them for last!
-buy a soft drink!  added to the total check, the drink ends up bein' like fuckin' 2-3 bucks!  it's fuckt up!
-if the buffet has a certain theme, like a chinese buffet, the theme is chinese food, don't get food other than chinese food because they are good at cooking the chinese food and when they attempt to cook other kinds of foods other than chinese food, it's usually not that good!
-don't get a salad!  Unless yer at Pizza slut and yer waitin' for the good pizza to come out!  Salads are usually a buffet don't!

DUGOUTS
Alright, not all dugouts are the same!  I've been alive for 31 years and I didn't start eatin' pussy 'til I was 20 years old!  Did I wait too long?  I don't think so!  I'm not gonna eat the pussy unless I trust the pussy!  That's just the way it is!  I was datin' this hippie chick at the time and I was in the military at the time and all they talked about was sex, chicks and eatin' pussy, so I went home and talked my girlfriend into it and I went down on the hippie chick! 

Now, this hippie chick was no ordinary hippie chick.  She was a vegetarian chick, but she didn't really dress like a hippie!  I think she was just confused, but she did love to fuck!  That was cool!  But I brought up the subject of cunnilingus and she was delighted and she didn't want my first experience to be a bad experience, but I guess it was alright!  I didn't know what to expect!  All I can say is that when I brought up the subject, she went to the bathroom and washed her cooch up and jumped right back in bed ready for me to go downtown!  It was dark and in a hippie sense, she had a bushel of bush!  I guess, she was hippie-ish in that way!  It was like I needed a machete to chop down some fuckin' bamboos and branches from trees to get to the point!  But what can you do with the first experience!?! 

Well, I've seen lotsa porn and that's pretty much how I learned about the fuckin' birds and fuckin' bees!  My fuckin' parents never told me anything about shit!  My dad was into porn as well!  We're talkin' way back in the day because he would borrow some Beta videos from some friends and dub them and have copies on VHS!  I remember because I think the first attempt at explaining the birds and fuckin' bees was when my dad put the video on top of a book shelf like I couldn't fuckin' reach the motherfucker!  Yep, I'm the same fuckin' height as my fuckn' dad and I could reach it!  So I watched it and learned more about shit and yada fuckin' yada!

I had figured through fuckin' time, that the good pussy was the pink bubble gum lookin' snatch and whenever I ate that kinda snatch, I was right!  I mean, if a chick's dugout is gonna look like someone's been spittin' tobacco all over the place and there are broken bats and fuckin' sunflower seeds all over the place, the snatch has probably been used like some fuckin' shitter at a fuckin' bus station bathroom with piss all over the floor and a leaky faucet and a message on the shitter door sayin', 'Blowjobs, Call 435-suck, I'll meet you here at 6pm!'  Yeah, I stick to the dugouts that look like pink bubblicious bubble gum!  That's was I have attributed good pussy to!  And if the runway ain't fuckin' clear for landing, she gotta rake some leaves and trim some fuckin' hedges or something!  I mean, if she's got so much hair that when she's wearin' tight pants and her crotch area looks like fuckin' camel foot, then she needs to either shave it all off, buzz cut the fucker or see a fuckin' stylist!  But like I said, I like to the pink shaven runway, dugout, snatch, cooch, whatever you wanna call it, that's what I'm into!  I mean, if a chick takes off her panties in my presence and her pussy has hat hair, she's gotta go in for a trim!

What is the deal?
Why are cigarettes sold at the gas station when smoking is prohibited there?    
What's the deal with smokers?  They have cigarettes but they can never find their lighters!
In WWII movies, why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets and goggles?  It's like, 'I'm gettin' ready to commit suicide when I crash my plane, but I don't wanna get anything in my eyes or sustain any head injuries!!!'
What's the deal with the 'I can't believe it's not butter' bread spread?  What the fuck is it, if it ain't fuckin' butter?  Margarine?  What the fuck is that?  A butter substitute!  Whatever that fuckin' means!?!  If I'm not gonna put butter on my bread, I ain't gonna eat bread!  What the fuck?  It's almost like spreading lard or Crisco on yer bread!
What's the deal with online personal ads?  They have a description of themselves sayin' shit like they are romantic, a good lover and loyal!  What are they?  A dog?  That's what I want to read when I go to the SPCA or pet shop! 
In a rock band, you have a guitar player or guitarist, a lead singer or vocalist, a bass player or a bassist and a drummer!  Is there such thing as a drummist?
Why is a chicken leg called a drumstick?

I'm not gonna eat it, I guess I'll bring it to work...
Does this ever happen to you?  You've got some food at home that you ain't gonna eat and you don't wanna throw it out and you don't know what the fuck to do with it.  So you bring it into work and put it on the staff lounge table with no name and hopefully someone eats it.  Why?  Well, there are always some hungry broke fuckers who don't have food and are too fuckin' cheap or just fuckin' poor that when free food is on the fuckin' table, they're gonna eat the shit.  Especially with no name on it.  Because the law of the fuckin' staff lounge table is 'if there's no name, it's fair game!'

But you have to take some things into consideration when you eat this free food.  Shit like, 'is this some old expired shit that someone didn't wanna eat?', 'is this fuckin' shit stale?'  I mean, why the fuck is this food there if the fucker who bought the fuckin' food didn't wanna eat it?   What the fuck is wrong with the food?  Did it fall on the floor?  Did the cat piss on it?  What the fuck?

Well, sometimes I don't have food or the money to buy some food and I fuckin' venture out to the fuckin' staff lounge because someone always puts out some food!  What can you do?  You can eat the shit and if it's bad, you can spit it out!  You pretty much need to know who made or bought the food.  I mean, if it's some old haggy lookin' bitch who been scratchin' that mole on her neck and she made some brownies and she's got thinning hair and you find a hair in them, then you might wanna be suspect about those brownies or future casseroles by this person.  I mean, nothin' worse than eating a chocolate frosted brownie with a strand of hair in it!  At least it wasn't a pube!  That would be bad!

Then you have other shit like people bringing it food that has already been open like a bag of chips!  I mean, dude, if you had to open it up and then bring it to work, just leave it at home.  You've pretty much already finger fucked it before it could've been gangbanged by other co-workers!!!  Or if you had to have like a couple of chips before you brought it to work, open the thing at work!  Don't have the fuckin' paper clip chip clip on it when you bring it in, people see that shit! 

Somebody brought in some brownies and I told another co-worker about the brownies upstairs, then she asked me when that person made them!  I told her that I didn't know!  Yeah, it's really suspect!  You don't know when the person made them or if the person got them from another person and didn't wanna eat them and decided to bring it to work for some hungry fuckin' co-workers to eat so that that person didn't have to eat it!

And I guess with chips, it can be a diffrent issue!  Someone brought in chips with salsa dip!
Here's an email to exemplify what I mean!  Well, I'll explain it alittle!  This other co-worker comes in at 830am and the email wasn't sent until 945 am!  Hmmmmmmmmmmm......

Ever see yer twin?
it happend to me! I caught a quick glimpse! he did as well! we never made eye contact because it was like lookin' in the mirror! And I'm sure we both had the same feeling in our minds like, 'Gotdam, that motherfucker looks like me!'  This fucker looked like me if I actually let myself go!  I mean more so than now!  It was weird!  He had the same hair, same kinda glasses, almost the same build, but he was a little bigger!  He could be my twin brother! 

I remember when I was going to college and I had my friend with me and I told him that he had a twin!  He didnít believe me!  So one day we got some food at the Burger King and whatíd you know, his twin was there!  I told him that the day would come when he would see his twin!  I said to him, ĎDude, look over there, yer twin is here!í  He was like, ĎMan, shut the fuck up!  Holy shit!!!!í  They both made eye contact and stared at each other for like a quick 5 seconds and walked away!  It freakt them both out!  I was just laughing my ass off!

Itís almost like that in the media!  Remember Heather Locklear?  What about Heather Thomas?  Donít they both kinda look the same?  Heather Locklear was the more famous Heather of the two and Heather Thomas just had bigger titties!  But they did kinda resemble each other!  Pretty weird!

Whatís the deal with the letter W?
Does anybody care?  Did this ever cross yer fuckiní mind?  I donít know, itís something to write about, so I will!  The fuckiní letter W is more like a fuckiní double V!  Doesnít it look like it?  2 Vís side by fuckiní side? 
V + V= VV or W.  Pretty fuckiní close!?! Or v + v = vv or w!  Yeah, itís fuckiní close!  I mean, if yer fuckiní W or w key on yer fuckiní typewriter or computer just didnít work or fuckiní locked up on you, the fuckiní V key will do the fuckiní trick!  An actual U wouldnít really work!  U + U= UU or u + u = uu!  No, I donít fuckiní think so!!!  The letter W should be called a fuckiní letter double V because thatís what it fuckiní looks like, right?!?!  Iím sure you would all agree!  But it doesnít quite work like that!  The letter W is more like a fuckiní ambidextrious letter which could sound like a fuckiní vowel!  Yeah, I know yer thinkiní this is like some fuckiní outtake episode of fuckiní Electric Company or Mister Rogers, but I wondered about this shit and wanted to fuckiní talk about it!  Fuck it man! 

Well for the word, Vacuum, a double U is used to spell this fucker!  Double u or 2 uís!  Why not a fuckiní W?  It would fuckiní look like this, vacwm!  That would look fuckiní stupid!  I donít know what else to say about this shit!  Oh, I guess the word, Dweeb!  I donít think it could be right like, Duueeb!  Fuck it!  Does anybody read this shit?

American porn vs. Other porn
Alright, I've grown up watchin' american porn!  I seen many pornos in my lifetime and still watch 'em to this day!  It's great entertainment!  I just can't get into any non-American porn for some reason.  I think it's because I don't understand what is being said if it's in a diffrent language!  I mean, you can somewhat understand what yer gonna rent or buy when you see the picture or title, sometimes no matter what language.  I mean, if you see a title in German called 'Shitizen Citizen', then it'll probably be safe to say that it's a fecalphiliac movie!  And I can't stand it when they try to overdub English voices to the fuckers at hand.  Subtitles would be more entertaining, I think. 



I remember one Thanksgiving, my family had hosted the dinner that day and I knew that my dad was a porno freak as well.  I'm sure that some people remember titles to movies really well, but my dad just didn't seem to remember the movie at all.  He was sayin' to his friends out aloud, 'Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, Bronco Billy!'  Alright, the movie was entitled, 'Bronco Johnny!'  But I couldn't correct him in front of his friends and on Thanksgiving of all holidays!  It was funny though!

Speaking of Bronco Johnny, my parents never sat me down and talked to me or taught me anything about the 'birds and the bees'!  I think my lesson was when my dad had this video on Beta mind you, on the top shelf of the 7 foot high bookshelf!  I was already in my teens and I was pretty much 5' 7" and I have about a 2 feet arm reach, so the fuckin' Beta video was within reach and viewing pleasure!  I learned what I had to learn and discovered more videos my dad had in stock, because The Love Boat reruns were no longer doing anything for me in my teens!


Porn review
I love it rough
Hello kiddies!  This is a 1st ever porn review by yours truly!  I've been watchin' porn for years and this one was really good!  Good enough to fuckin' review in this zine!  Why the fuck not!?!  So here's it goes!  It's really hard to meet chicks who are into rough sex!  Kinky, maybe, but rough, hmmmm.  I don't know!  I think rough sex can be described in many ways.  But I think this movie pretty much says it all!  Chicks who love it rough!  My kinda chicks!  You've got some ass-slappin', some face- slappin', dirty talkin', tit-slappin', titty twistin', clit-slappin', and wait, there's more!  You've gotta just watch it!  I was lookin' at the descriptions on the video box and knew I had to check this out!  So I'm bringing this fuckin' video up to the counter and the chick workin' there is sayin' some shit to me like, 'Yer gonna love this movie, yada, yada, yada......man, it's gonna freak you out, but you'll love it!'  So that was a good thing to hear!  And I did love it and recommend it!

The Top Ten reasons why it's ok to joke the handicapped!
10.  It's funny as shit!
9.  Who doesn't?
8.  Laughter is the best medicine!
7.  They set themselves up to be joked!
6.  You know the handicapped are joking everybody else as well!
5.  Joking weak people just makes them stronger!
4.  Hell is make believe!
3.  If you can't laugh, you ain't human!
2.  Life is too short!
1.  If he or she looks funny, walks funny or talks funny, it's probably funny!


King of......
What makes you a king? Are you born that way? Usually you are! I think! I don't fuckin' know! Self-proclamation means nothing! At least in my book, it doesn't mean a gotdam thing! I wouldn't even call someone a king unless they were a fuckin' king! I mean like back in the 70's there was a mascot for BK, Burger King! He was dressed up like a king! You wouldn't call him, 'Burger King' or 'The Burger King', would you?!?
What about the lion king? What's the fuckin' deal with that? Was he the king of the jungle? Can't fuckin' Hyenas kick their lions' asses?  I think I saw that on the animal planet channel!
Being called a king or kings is pretty much outta royalty or some fuckin' fairy book! Such as We three Kings, hence the fuckin' holiday seasons! I guess they were really fuckin' kings! But I don't think they fuckin' paraded around fuckin' Jerusalem or made flyers around the fuckin' marquee at the last supper sayin', WE THREE KINGS of High Voltage Jerusalem! If I'm fuckin' confusin' you about this bit, I'm talkin' about a certain band that claims that they are the 'Kings of Hi Vulva rocknroll!' What the fuck made them Kings? Is the chick in the band considered a king? Is she the queen? Queen of what? King of Pain? That's Sting! The Sting King! Much like that of the Wing King! I haven't had their hot wings, but if they can back up their fuckin' claim as being the WING KING, then and only then will they be known as the WING KING! What about Stephen King? Wait, he has nothing to do with being a king at all!
Excalibur! Pullin' a sword outta a rock made you the king of England! Why? Because the fuckin' King of England stuck the sword in the rock and said that shit!
Now, Elvis, he never really called himself the King of Rocknroll! That was a name that was given to him! But he was! He fuckin' paid his dues! He can be called the King! He deserved it!
Whatever happend to AC/DC? They play high voltage rocknroll! They ain't fuckin' kings?!? These fuckers have toured around the world playin' in fuckin' stadiums! It's hard to not recognize them as something as Hall of Famers in the Rocknroll Hall of fame and they are not considered Kings!!! Neither the Rolling Stones! Having one CD and some 45's and cdr's you put out yerself on yer computer and a webpage doesn't make you KINGS OF whatever the fuck you do! And to put it on a flyer is pretty fuckin' ridiculous! That's a big claim! That's like sayin' to Angus Young, 'Man, I'm a big fan of yours, you're my favorite guitarist of all time, I have all yer albums and we played a US tour in front of nobody and we have one cd and I think we are the Kings of hi vulva rocknroll!' And why would you wear a CBGB's t-shirt when you've never been there or played there? You should be called the 'Kings of Hot Topic rocknroll!'
The only king I'll mention is Todd Runtgren! He's the king of all time! I proclaim him the King! King of what, I don't know! King of runts, definitely!
Calling yourself KINGS of something is a big claim!  I don't think Kings of anything live in a 2-bedroom apartment!

Underscore
What's the fuckin' deal with the fuckin' underscore?  What does it fuckin' mean?  I can't stand that fuckin' shit!  It's like, 'Here's my fuckin' name, Joe_Blow@suckscock.com!  What the fuck is that!?!? I hate that shit!  I mean, I was watchin' TV the other night and this fuckin' tv show couldn't even afford to fuckin' get the email address for their own fuckin' show, 'Amazing animals'!  They had to do this shit, amazing_animals@amazinganimals.com !  Ain't that some shit!  This underscore shit's gotta go!  It ain't a fuckin' letter or fuckin' number!  It's almost like a blank you have to fill in like, Joe_Blow!  Fill in the blank!  Is it his middle name?  Does it mean, 'Loves to'?  What the fuck?!?!  I just think underscores are stupid! 

It just reminds me of an email I got from my friend, Joe Brown!  His email address is Joe_Brown@infi.net !  Joe is a white guy!  Does the blank mean, 'Ain't'?  What the fuck?!?













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