The DIRT Best of 2003 Part 2
2003
The DIRT Headquarters
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I'm not gonna eat it, I guess I'll bring it to work...
Does this ever happen to you?  You've got some food at home that you ain't gonna eat and you don't wanna throw it out and you don't know what the fuck to do with it.  So you bring it into work and put it on the staff lounge table with no name and hopefully someone eats it.  Why?  Well, there are always some hungry broke fuckers who don't have food and are too fuckin' cheap or just fuckin' poor that when free food is on the fuckin' table, they're gonna eat the shit.  Especially with no name on it.  Because the law of the fuckin' staff lounge table is 'if there's no name, it's fair game!'

But you have to take some things into consideration when you eat this free food.  Shit like, 'is this some old expired shit that someone didn't wanna eat?', 'is this fuckin' shit stale?'  I mean, why the fuck is this food there if the fucker who bought the fuckin' food didn't wanna eat it?   What the fuck is wrong with the food?  Did it fall on the floor?  Did the cat piss on it?  What the fuck?

Well, sometimes I don't have food or the money to buy some food and I fuckin' venture out to the fuckin' staff lounge because someone always puts out some food!  What can you do?  You can eat the shit and if it's bad, you can spit it out!  You pretty much need to know who made or bought the food.  I mean, if it's some old haggy lookin' bitch who been scratchin' that mole on her neck and she made some brownies and she's got thinning hair and you find a hair in them, then you might wanna be suspect about those brownies or future casseroles by this person.  I mean, nothin' worse than eating a chocolate frosted brownie with a strand of hair in it!  At least it wasn't a pube!  That would be bad!

Then you have other shit like people bringing it food that has already been open like a bag of chips!  I mean, dude, if you had to open it up and then bring it to work, just leave it at home.  You've pretty much already finger fucked it before it could've been gangbanged by other co-workers!!!  Or if you had to have like a couple of chips before you brought it to work, open the thing at work!  Don't have the fuckin' paper clip chip clip on it when you bring it in, people see that shit! 

Somebody brought in some brownies and I told another co-worker about the brownies upstairs, then she asked me when that person made them!  I told her that I didn't know!  Yeah, it's really suspect!  You don't know when the person made them or if the person got them from another person and didn't wanna eat them and decided to bring it to work for some hungry fuckin' co-workers to eat so that that person didn't have to eat it!

And I guess with chips, it can be a diffrent issue!  Someone brought in chips with salsa dip!
Here's an email to exemplify what I mean!  Well, I'll explain it alittle!  This other co-worker comes in at 830am and the email wasn't sent until 945 am!  Hmmmmmmmmmmm......

Ever see yer twin?
it happend to me! I caught a quick glimpse! he did as well! we never made eye contact because it was like lookin' in the mirror! And I'm sure we both had the same feeling in our minds like, 'Gotdam, that motherfucker looks like me!'  This fucker looked like me if I actually let myself go!  I mean more so than now!  It was weird!  He had the same hair, same kinda glasses, almost the same build, but he was a little bigger!  He could be my twin brother! 

I remember when I was going to college and I had my friend with me and I told him that he had a twin!  He didnít believe me!  So one day we got some food at the Burger King and whatíd you know, his twin was there!  I told him that the day would come when he would see his twin!  I said to him, ĎDude, look over there, yer twin is here!í  He was like, ĎMan, shut the fuck up!  Holy shit!!!!í  They both made eye contact and stared at each other for like a quick 5 seconds and walked away!  It freakt them both out!  I was just laughing my ass off!

Itís almost like that in the media!  Remember Heather Locklear?  What about Heather Thomas?  Donít they both kinda look the same?  Heather Locklear was the more famous Heather of the two and Heather Thomas just had bigger titties!  But they did kinda resemble each other!  Pretty weird!

Whatís the deal with the letter W?
Does anybody care?  Did this ever cross yer fuckiní mind?  I donít know, itís something to write about, so I will!  The fuckiní letter W is more like a fuckiní double V!  Doesnít it look like it?  2 Vís side by fuckiní side? 
V + V= VV or W.  Pretty fuckiní close!?! Or v + v = vv or w!  Yeah, itís fuckiní close!  I mean, if yer fuckiní W or w key on yer fuckiní typewriter or computer just didnít work or fuckiní locked up on you, the fuckiní V key will do the fuckiní trick!  An actual U wouldnít really work!  U + U= UU or u + u = uu!  No, I donít fuckiní think so!!!  The letter W should be called a fuckiní letter double V because thatís what it fuckiní looks like, right?!?!  Iím sure you would all agree!  But it doesnít quite work like that!  The letter W is more like a fuckiní ambidextrious letter which could sound like a fuckiní vowel!  Yeah, I know yer thinkiní this is like some fuckiní outtake episode of fuckiní Electric Company or Mister Rogers, but I wondered about this shit and wanted to fuckiní talk about it!  Fuck it man! 

Well for the word, Vacuum, a double U is used to spell this fucker!  Double u or 2 uís!  Why not a fuckiní W?  It would fuckiní look like this, vacwm!  That would look fuckiní stupid!  I donít know what else to say about this shit!  Oh, I guess the word, Dweeb!  I donít think it could be right like, Duueeb!  Fuck it!  Does anybody read this shit?

American porn vs. Other porn
Alright, I've grown up watchin' american porn!  I seen many pornos in my lifetime and still watch 'em to this day!  It's great entertainment!  I just can't get into any non-American porn for some reason.  I think it's because I don't understand what is being said if it's in a diffrent language!  I mean, you can somewhat understand what yer gonna rent or buy when you see the picture or title, sometimes no matter what language.  I mean, if you see a title in German called 'Shitizen Citizen', then it'll probably be safe to say that it's a fecalphiliac movie!  And I can't stand it when they try to overdub English voices to the fuckers at hand.  Subtitles would be more entertaining, I think. 



I remember one Thanksgiving, my family had hosted the dinner that day and I knew that my dad was a porno freak as well.  I'm sure that some people remember titles to movies really well, but my dad just didn't seem to remember the movie at all.  He was sayin' to his friends out aloud, 'Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, Bronco Billy!'  Alright, the movie was entitled, 'Bronco Johnny!'  But I couldn't correct him in front of his friends and on Thanksgiving of all holidays!  It was funny though!

Speaking of Bronco Johnny, my parents never sat me down and talked to me or taught me anything about the 'birds and the bees'!  I think my lesson was when my dad had this video on Beta mind you, on the top shelf of the 7 foot high bookshelf!  I was already in my teens and I was pretty much 5' 7" and I have about a 2 feet arm reach, so the fuckin' Beta video was within reach and viewing pleasure!  I learned what I had to learn and discovered more videos my dad had in stock, because The Love Boat reruns were no longer doing anything for me in my teens!


Porn review
I love it rough
Hello kiddies!  This is a 1st ever porn review by yours truly!  I've been watchin' porn for years and this one was really good!  Good enough to fuckin' review in this zine!  Why the fuck not!?!  So here's it goes!  It's really hard to meet chicks who are into rough sex!  Kinky, maybe, but rough, hmmmm.  I don't know!  I think rough sex can be described in many ways.  But I think this movie pretty much says it all!  Chicks who love it rough!  My kinda chicks!  You've got some ass-slappin', some face- slappin', dirty talkin', tit-slappin', titty twistin', clit-slappin', and wait, there's more!  You've gotta just watch it!  I was lookin' at the descriptions on the video box and knew I had to check this out!  So I'm bringing this fuckin' video up to the counter and the chick workin' there is sayin' some shit to me like, 'Yer gonna love this movie, yada, yada, yada......man, it's gonna freak you out, but you'll love it!'  So that was a good thing to hear!  And I did love it and recommend it!

The Top Ten reasons why it's ok to joke the handicapped!
10.  It's funny as shit!
9.  Who doesn't?
8.  Laughter is the best medicine!
7.  They set themselves up to be joked!
6.  You know the handicapped are joking everybody else as well!
5.  Joking weak people just makes them stronger!
4.  Hell is make believe!
3.  If you can't laugh, you ain't human!
2.  Life is too short!
1.  If he or she looks funny, walks funny or talks funny, it's probably funny!


King of......
What makes you a king? Are you born that way? Usually you are! I think! I don't fuckin' know! Self-proclamation means nothing! At least in my book, it doesn't mean a gotdam thing! I wouldn't even call someone a king unless they were a fuckin' king! I mean like back in the 70's there was a mascot for BK, Burger King! He was dressed up like a king! You wouldn't call him, 'Burger King' or 'The Burger King', would you?!?
What about the lion king? What's the fuckin' deal with that? Was he the king of the jungle? Can't fuckin' Hyenas kick their lions' asses?  I think I saw that on the animal planet channel!
Being called a king or kings is pretty much outta royalty or some fuckin' fairy book! Such as We three Kings, hence the fuckin' holiday seasons! I guess they were really fuckin' kings! But I don't think they fuckin' paraded around fuckin' Jerusalem or made flyers around the fuckin' marquee at the last supper sayin', WE THREE KINGS of High Voltage Jerusalem! If I'm fuckin' confusin' you about this bit, I'm talkin' about a certain band that claims that they are the 'Kings of Hi Vulva rocknroll!' What the fuck made them Kings? Is the chick in the band considered a king? Is she the queen? Queen of what? King of Pain? That's Sting! The Sting King! Much like that of the Wing King! I haven't had their hot wings, but if they can back up their fuckin' claim as being the WING KING, then and only then will they be known as the WING KING! What about Stephen King? Wait, he has nothing to do with being a king at all!
Excalibur! Pullin' a sword outta a rock made you the king of England! Why? Because the fuckin' King of England stuck the sword in the rock and said that shit!
Now, Elvis, he never really called himself the King of Rocknroll! That was a name that was given to him! But he was! He fuckin' paid his dues! He can be called the King! He deserved it!
Whatever happend to AC/DC? They play high voltage rocknroll! They ain't fuckin' kings?!? These fuckers have toured around the world playin' in fuckin' stadiums! It's hard to not recognize them as something as Hall of Famers in the Rocknroll Hall of fame and they are not considered Kings!!! Neither the Rolling Stones! Having one CD and some 45's and cdr's you put out yerself on yer computer and a webpage doesn't make you KINGS OF whatever the fuck you do! And to put it on a flyer is pretty fuckin' ridiculous! That's a big claim! That's like sayin' to Angus Young, 'Man, I'm a big fan of yours, you're my favorite guitarist of all time, I have all yer albums and we played a US tour in front of nobody and we have one cd and I think we are the Kings of hi vulva rocknroll!' And why would you wear a CBGB's t-shirt when you've never been there or played there? You should be called the 'Kings of Hot Topic rocknroll!'
The only king I'll mention is Todd Runtgren! He's the king of all time! I proclaim him the King! King of what, I don't know! King of runts, definitely!
Calling yourself KINGS of something is a big claim!  I don't think Kings of anything live in a 2-bedroom apartment!

Underscore
What's the fuckin' deal with the fuckin' underscore?  What does it fuckin' mean?  I can't stand that fuckin' shit!  It's like, 'Here's my fuckin' name, Joe_Blow@suckscock.com!  What the fuck is that!?!? I hate that shit!  I mean, I was watchin' TV the other night and this fuckin' tv show couldn't even afford to fuckin' get the email address for their own fuckin' show, 'Amazing animals'!  They had to do this shit, amazing_animals@amazinganimals.com !  Ain't that some shit!  This underscore shit's gotta go!  It ain't a fuckin' letter or fuckin' number!  It's almost like a blank you have to fill in like, Joe_Blow!  Fill in the blank!  Is it his middle name?  Does it mean, 'Loves to'?  What the fuck?!?!  I just think underscores are stupid! 

It just reminds me of an email I got from my friend, Joe Brown!  His email address is Joe_Brown@infi.net !  Joe is a white guy!  Does the blank mean, 'Ain't'?  What the fuck?!?













The DIRT Best of 2003 Part 2