Sports

THE DOHP Volume 2, Issue 1

Page 4

"We give our sarcasm 110 percent!"

FOOTBALL PREVIEW: Ineligible for post-season, Coach Bob Biggs launches ingenious plan to motivate team

I call it the "Snack Shack" rewards plan. For our first victory, every single player we'll have his choice of two "Now and Laters" or a pack of "Bubilicious." For our fifth win, players will each recieve a snow cone with five, thats right, five flavor possibilities! And if we win ten games this year... ring-pops all around!"      Flannigan weighed in with his thoughts on coach Biggs' plan.       "It seemed a little ridiculous at first, but then coach flashed a box of those cherry ring-pops in the locker room the first day of practice. I think every guy on the team realized right then and there how important this season is for us" Flannigan said.       According to Biggs, the snack shack

plan won't be the only motivational device impemented this season.      "Since the guys wont have the opportunity to go after the real trohpy, we've started putting together one ourselves We took an old chandelier, smothered it in Elmers glue, and just doused that baby with glitter. It may not have the "grandeur" if you will, of a real award, but it sure is damn sparkly!"      The season will kick off at home versus last year's D-2 champions Grand Valley State. When asked if their would be an extra incentive to beat the former champs, Biggs replied "The incentive will be in our guy's hearts...and if that doesn't work, we might just have to go to Plan B: "Lemonheads."

will push themselves knowing that this season means jack shit.     "Yeah, its true, we are a little worried about keeping our guy's heads in the game since they know  that whether they

The move to D-1 keeps the Aggies from playoff contention, but coach is doing all he can to make sure their hearts and taste buds are set on bringing home that fake championship

Coming off 32 consecutive winning seasons and a stellar 9-3 record last year, starting this year the UC Davis football team will have to face four years of playoff ineligibilty due to its move into Division 1. With several returning starters, including standout quarterback Ryan Flannigan, this season has all the elements to be another succesful one, but motivation will be a question mark as it is yet to be seen how hard these players

"mmm, Now and Laters"

score 500 touchdowns or 1, they aren't gonna win a championship," Coach Bob Biggs said. "But luckily my staff and I have come up with a sure-fire way to keep these guys playing 100 percent.

What we're doing during Intramural Sports this fall:

Toomey field: "Im not leaving without a fight"

"Sure, fine, get rid of me. Throw me out like an old pair of shoes or a lecturer in the Humanities department. I've only, ya know, given the Ags THIRTY-FUCKING-TWO straight winning seasons! But ya know, go ahead, build your brand fucking new field, with its

the sidelines just enough so that the wide reciever gets one foot down in bounds? Of course not! It takes an experienced field like myself to know that kind of shit, not some queer multi-sport "stadium."  Thats another thing! Are they going to be playing

fucking soccer on this thing too! Jesus H. Christ! Why noy just host all-male orgies on the field too, cause that'd be just as gay!    And now I hear talk that they're going to try and put housing on me Hell...fuck...no. I didn't work my ass off every single fall just to become

fucking 15,00 seats and fucking lockerooms and fancy fucking practice fields. 'Oooh, look at me, I'm a practice field!" Pathetic, just pathetic. Yes, go ahead, by all means, build your precious multi-purpose stadium. I don't even give a shit anymore.

- Bringing home the coveted "Rite Aid Cup" - Guarding that blonde chick on the opposing coed flag football team "closely" - Pretending to know what we're doing in water-tube polo, but really just trying to make sure swimming trunks don't come off - Learning how to throw a frisbee after getting duped into joining ultimate frisbee team by that hot girl on our dorm floor who still doesn't my...err...our names. - Thinking our soccer squad has a great chance to win, only to realize that those Latin American transfer students know a "cosa" or two about soccer as well -Trying to decide if 7-foot black guy on friend's  3-3 basketball team is just a ringer from another school or actually Shaquille O'Neal. - Trusting that Power Bar and morning bowl of Wheaties will make up for an entire summer of sitting on ass watching "Montel"

Toomey field, speaking through some sort of translator, we guess

But know what? I ain't fucking leaving without fight.     Who says the players are going to want to leave me anyway? We have a bond out there, them and I! You think Ken O'Brien and JT O'Sullivan would have made it to the NFL without me? Please! I fucking trained with those guys every fuck day and made them what they are! You think new guy is gonna know how to slope the field when there is a fumble so it falls into a Davis player's hands, or expand the

the foundation for some whiny girl's dorm room Fuck that shit. Make me a parking lot or plant some fucking corn in me if it comes to that.       But that's all just administration babble anyway. I'm sticking around, just you see. In 2005 I'm going to lead my boys to their first Division 1 championship, while newbie across the way will be hosting intarmural ultimate frisbee games. Trust me, the Toom-ster ain't going fucking no wheres. Peace y'all."