HWF Promo #21: How apprioprate! You fight like a cow!


I’d seen her picture throughout the Caribbean on many occasions. She was something of a celebrity, you could say. Most of the surrounding islands spoke of her legendary beauty and it’d been highlighted by the untimely death of her father, which had brought Georgina Marley further into the limelight.

As I stood six feet away from her, cowering in the luxurious mansion that her father had built, I understood why LeLogan was prepared to go to such lengths to capture her affections. This girl was an absolute knock out.

However, we didn’t exactly get along at first. I can’t think why though...

“So, let me get this straight. You’re a pirate in training and you had to steal an ornament from my house to complete a pirating test called 'The Three Trials'?” she said as she tapped her foot against the red carpet below her feet.

“It sounds a little far fetched, I know. You’ve got to believe me though!”

I had a sixth sense for understanding the way people operated and how their thought process worked. There was no way she'd buy into my 'pirate in training' excuse, despite it being the truth. She was far too clever for that.

“I believe you! You’re not the first person to try this and I dare say that you won’t be the last!” she exclaimed with a touch of anguish in her voice. Suddenly, she paused as her tone softened slightly. “Don’t worry about it. I'm used to it by now. Hmm... You don’t look much like a pirate though.”

At the time, it was a pretty devastating blow to take. Pirates are remembered for being shot at by cannons and dodging blades whilst tangling with foreign swords. No one had ever heard of a pirate or would even remember a pirate that didn’t even look like a pirate.

The damage had been done. She couldn’t possibly say anything to redeem herself from that comment. Nothing at all.

“You look… too cute to be a pirate,” she announced with a smile.

Ding-dong! Whilst I took offence to being told that I didn’t look like a pirate… I certainly wasn’t in any mood to complain about what followed. Here, we had one of those upper class, sexually charged, girl-next-door types and she’d just about offered me a chance to jump in the sack with her…

Alright, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. Nevertheless, even Romeo and Juliet started out somewhere.

As much as I wanted to make some witty little comment about the size of my manhood, take her upstairs and show her just exactly why I’d earned the nickname ‘fancy pants’, nothing seemed to roll off my tongue fluently. I tried to assemble the words in my head but couldn’t quite force them out. Suddenly, I found the perfect phrase. This was it! The sentence that would finally win her heart was…

“Jgdkswfprrrd!”

Damn it! Every time a girl comes within five feet of taking my virginity, I somehow manage to fuck it all up. Wait a minute. Did I just tell you I’m a virgin?

“Excuse me?” she said as her eyebrows jumped up towards her brow. The girl had seen it all before. She knew she was amazingly attractive and had the power to leave men speechless. With a sigh, she shrugged her shoulders and pointed to the door. “Ok. I think your brain has just about handled enough talking for one day. Nice meeting you though. Oh, what was your name again?”

I struggled to compose myself. How could something turn so sour like that? I was just minutes away from bedding the sexiest girl in the Caribbean and suddenly my nerve gives way? This sort of thing shouldn’t happen to anyone! My head continued to beat up on the rest of my body as I addressed the question promptly.

“Guybrush Champion.”

Now, usually, when I tell someone that my name is Guybrush, they look at me as if I’ve tried to explain that there are in fact advantages to having genital warts. People tend to curve their lips just that little bit more. Eyelids begin to flutter like crazy. Of course, their noses stay pretty much the same… except for the odd twitch (it’s pretty rare though). Despite whatever symptoms that any one case shows though, I know that I’ve just been crossed off any potential Christmas card or even party invitation lists.

I’m Guybrush Champion… and I have a weird name.

However, as I looked across the room at Georgina, I knew there was something different about her. She respected me for the person that I’d grown into. Sure, she’d only known me for five minutes but in that time… she’d taught me it was acceptable for cute men to become pirates. This girl was spectacular. This girl was different.

“Guybrush? That’s your name? I figured that was just something people called their dogs!”

Do I look like a dog, lady? For God’s sake! That’s what all the chicks said when I reveal my name. I’d have tried to change the thing years ago if it weren’t for the fact that Lucas Arts set this damn game a long time before people were allowed to alter their names. How the hell can you name your main character Guybrush?

Fuck you, George Lucas. Fuck you.

So, as I turned to walk out of the Governor’s mansion, little did I know that this would be the woman that I’d eventually marry. Love at first sight? Definitely not. However, there was something there. I couldn’t quite place my finger on it but there was definitely something.

Desperate to escape even more blushes and cheap jokes about my name, I grabbed the door handle and twisted. I'd probably have taken greater care and a little longer had I known that there was a figure waiting for me on the other side. It was in that moment that I met my deadliest rival for the first occasion. He might have been disguised as the local sheriff at the time but I knew that this individual was set to create havoc in my life.

Captain LeLogan would devote his own life to destroying mine.