Muhammed Ali Announces Dazzling Comeback
By GFunk, Columnist and Staff Writer
The "Greatest Of All Time" is back, and he appears to be pulling all the punches.  Yes, Muhammed Ali himself announced today at a promotion conference in Las Vegas, NV, that he is in the process of making plans to return to boxing.
Though Ali was allowed to unintelligibly mumble for several minutes into the microphone, his spokesman cleared up any doubt for the audience when he announced the legend's comeback, tentatively scheduled for the Fall of 2002.
"Mr. Ali is tired of retirement... And like so many of us he yearns to do what he loves once again." His spokesman said, amid looks of confusion and scattered applause from the press and spectators at the conference.  Going farther into the speech, his spokesman let the audience know that the 60-year old Ali is both determined and confident that this is the right move: "Muhammed Ali's family has expressed their opposition, as have some of the fans of boxing.  Many believe that Muhammed Ali is washed up.  Just a memory in the hearts of those that love the sport... Well, I'm here to tell you all that Muhammed Ali is still the greatest, and he will indeed rise again to take the heavyweight title."
(L) Ali in his prime, and (R) A current picture of Ali, who takes twenty minutes to pass peas to dinner guests.
Ali's family is indeed opposed to the decision.  After the press conference, Ali's daughter Laila expressed her disgust on behalf of the family for what she believes is a mockery of her father's legacy. "He's crazy, we keep telling them that.... But until we can prove it in court, we can't keep him from fighting.  He's obviously lost his mind.... I mean, would you go into a ring to fight someone for twelve rounds if you couldn't even brush your own teeth?  No, that would be stupid. Geez."
Friends of the former heavyweight champion agree with Laila.  George Foreman, best known for his little grills that cook up delicious meals in minutes, is also a former heavyweight champion and agrees that Ali must be out of his mind to think that he can contend at a level that takes any more movement than that of a common sea turtle.  "I had dinner with Ali a few nights ago... We had steak, seared to perfection on the George Foreman Grill... it's on sale now at Sears... But anyway, it took the man twenty minutes to pass me the peas.  I coulda got up and got 'em myself, but he said 'No, no, I'll get 'em'... Or at least I think that's what he said.  Maybe he said 'No, no, I can't get 'em'.  That might make more sense.  But anyway, the point is it took him twenty minutes to do that, how's he supposed to throw a punch?"
Kitchen Appliance Guru and former Heavyweight Champion George Foreman agrees that Ali is out of his fucking mind.
Ali's first fight is tentatively scheduled for October 15, 2002.  His spokesman told the audience that he intends to "warm up for the Title" by fighting either a little blind girl or a 90-year old man in a wheelchair.  "Mr. Ali hasn't come to a decision of whom he will challenge yet," he said, "I'd say at this point they both have an equal shot at the Champ."
The legendary Don King will be promoting the fight, which is expected to have a purse of $26.75 for the winner of the match.  The loser of the match will recieve ten bucks, and Mr. King will keep all other proceeds.
Muhammed Ali was available for comment after the press conference, but honestly we don't know what he said to us.  It really could have been anything.  Big BC thought he heard him say, "I like cheese with my biscuits," and I thought he said "I sneezed on my shiznit."  Now we're just both confused.
More on this story as it develops.

(2-6-02)
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