The Brainwashing of America's Youth
(Or, Why Idiots Run the Country)
By Kirby
Columnist and Staff Artist
Hey, buddy.  You've just endured a long, exasperating day of dealing with fools, dolts, and ninnies.  As you reflect on these experiences, you remember how in school you were barely an average student but today you can't find one person who is on the same intellectual level as yourself.  How did this happen?  Where are all those nerdy little people you knew back then?  Well, my friend, it's time you learned the truth…

They're hiding in their houses like scared little bunnies.
But why are they hiding?  Isn't this America?  Isn't this the place where genius is encouraged and innovative ideas are celebrated?  I'm sure this utopia is located somewhere in the universe, but it sure as hell ain't on this planet.  No, no, this is where geeks and nerds all get maimed on a daily basis and the reason they are subjugated to this torment is because we are trained to hate them.
In case you haven't noticed the methods of this subliminal control, (and let's face it, you're probably not smart enough to have discovered it) I will now reveal the key components of this plot.  It all begins when we are children and society tries to instill in you a sense of decency.  To do this, you are taught the beliefs of your religion.  In the case of Christianity, we are taught that intelligence is morally wrong.  Where did I see that, you ask?  In the expulsion of Adam and Eve from Eden, of course.  Think about it: as long they were too stupid to realize they were naked, they were allowed to live forever in paradise.  Then one day they eat from the Tree of KNOWLEDGE (you see where I'm going with this?) and God says, "Ah, crap!  You guys are nerds!  I can't be seen hanging out with nerds!  Get out of paradise and die!"  Life lesson No. 1: Be stupid and go to heaven.
God is "too cool" for nerds.
Then you get to watch TV.  As a child, you spend most of your days watching cartoons.  And what do we learn from these cartoons?  That smart people are losers.  Wile E. Coyote is a super genius with a platinum card that allows him to buy dangerous and complicated machinery from the ACME Company.  The roadrunner is illiterate.  Which one always comes out on top in their epic struggles of life and death?  You know damn well.  And what about the Smurfs?  Nothing but wholesome values and educational enlightenment right?  Wrong!  In almost every episode, Brainy Smurf (His name is Brainy, he has to be the smartest!) ends up being tossed out on his head by the entire freaking village.  Life lesson No. 2: Smart people never win, so stop all that thinking.
Brainy teaches us that social acceptance starts when you stop thinking!
Then you grow a little more and, as much as the buffoons hate it, you learn how to read.  How can they keep you from developing a need to increase your intelligence?  With comic books!  That's right, man.  They're all filled with the same thing: a big dumb hero fighting against a super genius villain named doctor this and professor that.  But wait a minute, aren't geeks always reading comic books even into their adulthood?  Yes, and years of taking in these discriminating views has caused their well-documented increased risk of low self-esteem.  Life lesson No. 3: Smart people are evil.
So why are all the smart people gone?  Because by the time you enter school, you have already been programmed to think "dumb good, smart bad."  This kind of thinking allows boys to beat nerds up and girls to laugh in their faces without showing the slightest sense of remorse.  Realizing that they are unwanted by normal society, adult nerds feel no desire to become useful members of society, instead opting to join secret nerd communities filled with sci-fi fantasies, action figures, collectable card games, and on-line PC games.  So if you're tired of associating with nimcapoops, remember one thing…
YOU HAVE ONLY YOURSELF TO BLAME!!!

So go watch seven hours of Jerry Springer with your friends and shut the hell up.
Does Kirby preach the truth, or are you just another of the world's mindless idiots that's going to complain that after they had someone read the article to them, they were offended?

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