| Celebrity Boxing We Would Like to See Round 1: Six Matches |
| By Bad Andy, Feature Columnist and Rant Consultant |
 |
| The Evil Empire Editorial does not intend to make the statement that Democrats kill their children or that Bush hasn't already pardoned his good buddy Ken Lay for crimes he "didn't commit." If you have any more match-ups that you would like to see let Bad Andy know! |
 |
 |
 |
| This is a fight about Justice Obstruction. Ken Starr accused all kinds of people of obstructing justice but never had anyone formally charged. Ken Lay was the CEO of Enron almost certainly obstructed justice to cover his own ass and buy time for the check to his Swiss bank to clear. Star was also accused of pursuing a vendetta more than his job though no such claim was ever substantiated. |
| A Pardon to clear his name |
| Ken Starr |
| Ken Lay looks pretty haggered. He rebuffs congressional hearings with the same contempt I hold for our nation's highest legislative body but it's been wearing him down, little by little. Ken Starr has been recuperating quietly. Ken Lay looks like he'd have somewhat of a reach advantage in this bout but that may not be enough. We can guess that he would stonewall Star the same way he did the senate finance committee but Star just never slows down. The Clintons dealt him a number of low blows and he scarcely faltered. That tenacity plus the long recoup time make this battle belong to Ken Starr. |
| Fight Synopsis |
| The Grudge |
| The Prize |
| The Winner |
| Justice Obstruction Slugfest |
 |
 |
| Vs. |
| Ken Starr ---------------------------------- Former Special Prosecuter |
| Ken Lay ---------------------------------- Former Enron CEO |
 |
| David Duke hates black people, all black people. Louis Farrakhan is black. Louis Farakahn hates white people, all white people. David Duke is white. Beyond that, Duke is a member of the KKK and generally a loudmouth about his beliefs. Farakahn is he leader of the Nation of Islam and generally a loudmouth about his beliefs. |
| A chance to beat down on darkie/whitie |
| David Duke is younger than Farrakhan and quicker of both with a body but Farrakhan has a longer reach. What's going to really make the difference in this match is comfort level. David Duke will be away from the tools of his trade. The Celebrity Boxing Association would NOT allow him to bring his burning cross or his hanging rope into the ring. He COULD wear his white sheet and tall pointed hat, but his movement and vision would both be restricted. As the tools of his trade, Farrakhan uses bad suits, bow ties, and horrible mathematical skills. While I don't admire his taste in suits, I at least respect his courage for wearing them no matter what anyone else thinks and I dig the bow tie. Celebrity Boxing's relaxed dress code would allow him to wear both if he so chose. His horrible mathematical skills will be with him for the rest of his life. Being in more familiar territory will give Farrakhan the advantage. |
| Fight Synopsis |
| The Grudge |
| The Prize |
| The Winner |
| Racial Tension in the Squared Circle |
| Vs. |
| David Duke ---------------------------------- Nation's Premier Black Hater |
| Louis Farrakhan ---------------------------------- Nation's Premier White Hater |
|
| Louis Farrakhan |
 |
 |
| Yates and Smith are both infamous fro drowning their own children. Even I think that's harsh. The problem is, there's only room in the world for one murdering mom. |
| A Tube Tying and a gift certificate for a free pardon next time a democrat is in the White House |
| In a special variant on celebrity boxing, this match will be held in 3 feet of water and will be to the death. Susan Smith is bigger and looks more surly but Andrea Yates is younger and has more will to kill. Smith took the easy way out and drowned her kids in the car but Yates did it with her bare hands. She won't be holding anything back this time either. |
| Fight Synopsis |
| The Grudge |
| The Prize |
| The Winner |
| If You Were My Kid, I Would Have Drowned You at Birth |
| Vs. |
| Andrea Yates ------------------------------------- Drowned her Kids |
| Susan Smith ---------------------------------------- Drowned her Kids |
|
| Andrea Yates |
 |
 |
| Kirby and Orlando Jones are both tokenized and look exactly alike, even by token standards. Many of our readers have even pointed out that it is impossible to tell the two apart. This has to stop so we'll have to eliminate them in the ring. |
| Retains Picture and Identity |
| Kirby and Orlando will circle each other for a while feeling each other out, trying to size each other up as combatants and learning each other's fighting styles. Surprising to no one, they are exactly evenly matched and their styles are identical. The match will drone on and on with neither combatant gaining any advantage or doing anything the other doesn't fully expect until a sniper in the crowd picks off one of them at random, leaving us with the new KIRBLANDO, staff writer for The Evil Empire Editorial AND famous 7-UP celebrity. No one knows who Kirby Jones was before but he will assume the responsibilities of both men, no matter who he was before. |
| Fight Synopsis |
| The Grudge |
| The Prize |
| The Winner |
| Token on Token |
| Vs. |
| Kirby ------------------------------------- Token Black Guy on E3 Staff |
| Orlando Jones ---------------------------------------- Token Black Guy in Movies |
|
| Kirblando |
| These guys are the leaders of two very different religions, one Eastern, one Western. They both want your soul, your loyalty, and perhaps also your wallet. I almost cut this fight from the docket but the title was just too good. |
| Your Soul |
| The Pope is a real survivor. He's Polish and they have taken a lot of abuse and they're still around. People say they're dumb and while trying to attack a Kraut tank on horseback may not be the wisest of maneuvers, it does demonstrate exemplary bravery. The Pope has also survived a rough childhood, scandals, assassination attempts, and incontinence. On the other hand, The Dalai Lama looks and dresses like he might know karate or something like that. We'd have to put them in their regular costumes so people knew who they were, otherwise it would just look like on old white guy fighting an old brown guy. That's where the Pope's advantage really comes from. That armored white helmet he wears will help protect him from head shots and if he's sneaky, he could probably get in a few sly headbutts with it as well if he locks up. Pope John Paul II, survivor that he is, will survive this Celebrity Boxing event as well. |
| Fight Synopsis |
| The Grudge |
| The Prize |
| The Winner |
| World Religious Leaders Duke it Out for Your Soul |
| Vs. |
| Pope John Paul II ------------------------------------- Leader of the Roman Catholic Church |
| The Dalai Lama ---------------------------------------- Leader of Some Eastern Religion |
|
| Pope John Paul II |
| Bad Andy is an obnoxious SOB and Master Ranter on the staff of The Evil Empire Editorial. Bad Andy thinks that Return of the Jedi was too happy to be realistic and was basically a kids’ movie. Things went downhill from there. Episode I (or episode –1 as he prefers to call it) was all that and more with an intolerable bratty kid who saves the day, extraneous science mumbo-jumbo to demystify the force, an elected monarch, and an entirely annoying race that talk like drunk Jamaicans and act like drunk, attention deficit hyperactive disorderly circus clowns high on cocaine. Bad Andy is also pissed off about how the exchange between Han Solo and Greedo was altered in the Special Edition. George Lucas is a megalomaniac who single-handedly forced movie ticket prices with the release of Episode –1 because he allows theatre owners to keep half as much of the profits from ticket sales. He also delayed the release of his movie ad absurdum for a number of reasons, including insisting that all theaters upgrade their equipment to take advantage of all the experimental features he used in the movie. Lucas also renegotiates merchandising contracts on a frequent basis and hikes the prices every time. To our knowledge, George Lucas does not read The Evil Empire Editorial and therefore has no idea who Bad Andy is. If victorious, Bad Andy will donate 50% of his winnings to West End Game who got screwed by Lucas Arts. |
| 90% of ticket sale proceeds (The Lucas Standard) |
| Lucas will start out with a solid performance and by 5 minutes into the fight will have totally adjusted to Bad Andy’s slow paced but hard hitting onslaught. By 10 minutes into the fight, Lucas will begin to second-guess his tactics, causing him to falter as he occasionally tries to redirect his own fists mid-swing. Bad Andy will continue to pound away at Lucas, taking advantages of these opportune moments. By 15 minutes into the fight, Lucas will begin trying to take suggestions from the spectators, the TV commentators, his trainer, Bad Andy’s Trainer (Big BC), the sound guy, the lighting crew, the viewers at home who call his cell phone, and from G Funk who will be sitting in the back with a huge sign that says “BLOCK” on one side and “DUCK” on the other which he will flip over at random intervals. With no consistent focus, Lucas defense will crumble and he will take a number of hard blows to the head in rapid succession and drop for the count. |
| Fight Synopsis |
| The Grudge |
| The Prize |
| The Winner |
| You Tarnished the Memories of My Childhood |
| Vs. |
| Bad Andy ------------------------------------- Master Ranter |
| George Lucas ---------------------------------------- Money Grubbing, Arrogant, Over-Merchandizing Sci Fi Guy |
|
| Bad Andy |
 |
| The Penalty |
| Loses Identity |
 |
 |
|
 |
 |
| Since the writing of this article an actual photo of Kirby has been added to the page. Prior to the taking of that photo, Kirby was represented by a photo of Orlando Jones as punishment for not providing us with a photo. |
| Editors' Note |
| Since the writing of this artical Bad Andy has caved in and seen Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones and has admitted to enjoying it. In light of this development, George Lucas has called for a rematch. The Evil Empire Editorial will be your only source for coverage of the event. |
| Editors' Note |
| Editor's Note: Bad Andy doesn't really care which Eastern Religion, but lest you e-mail that information, we know he hails from the Tebetian tradition of Buddhism. |
 |