Drinking Decaf is Like Dating a Nun

By Bad Andy, Feature Columnist and Rant Consultant

I don’t get why people drink decaf.  It just defeats the purpose of drinking coffee in the first place.  Coffee is bitter and dehydrates you when you drink it.  The only reason to drink it is BECAUSE it keeps you alive and going.  Got a long drive late at night?  Drink some coffee.  Need to wake up to go to work or school?  Drink some coffee.  Need to keep your shotgun aimed at the door all night in case John “McCarthy” Ashcroft sends his army of misanthropic sociopaths to your house to nab you for complaining about how his army of misanthropic sociopaths nabs people in the middle of the night?  Drink some coffee.  That’s the benefit of coffee.  It wakes you up and keeps you that way.  People don’t start drinking coffee because it tastes good.  It doesn’t.  I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy my coffee; it’s just an acquired taste.  No one drinks their first cup of coffee and thinks, “man, that was good.”  They pucker up try to wipe away the sweat and blink away the watering eyes and think, “Well the taste wouldn’t be that bad if I could just get past the fact that it’s so bitter I might as well be drinking lye.  I hope this works.”

You drink coffee because you need the caffeine.  You learn to enjoy the taste but people don’t start drinking coffee because it tastes good.  If you don’t want the caffeine, why would anyone drink coffee?  There’s no point.  Drinking decaf is like dating a nun.  There are technically no rules against it but you’re never going to get what you want so you might as well give up.

Old people seem to be particularly into this decaf thing.  That makes the least sense of all.  They’re the ones with the least time left.  You’d think they’d be in a hurry to get everything done before the Grim Reaper arrives to harvest their souls.  This is of particular concern because they are slowing down anyway.  Perhaps if they were caffinated, they would all get debit cards and use those instead of holding up the line at the grocery store while they write a check for six dollars worth of adult diapers and Old Spice.  At my church where most of the congregation are veterans of the Spanish-American War, they have coffee after church but the ONLY SERVE DECAF.  These geezers just don’t get it.

It seems like no matter where I go, decaf is becoming ever more invasive.  Some flavors only COME in decaf.  I have to specify that I want REAL coffee when I order it or all I get is a hot steamy cup of antelope piss with no kick to it.  The overpriced chains are now offering a compromise.  Now you can order “half-caff”; coffee that’s only halfway decaffeinated.  They can go strait to the HALFWAY point between here and Hell!  This is for weak-kneed pantywaists who want to pretend they’re real men but don’t have the stomach for it.  Many of them even wear pants while attempting this farce but no one is fooled.  To counter this, the “I have more testosterone than a whole rugby team” types have come up with Water Joe.  Water Joe is caffinated water.  You can make your coffee with Water Joe to skip entire nights of sleep or overcome the hangover you get from drinking three bottles of Jagermeister.  It’s perfect for working people with an active social life.  If you drink the whole pot, you can stay up for a whole week or lift a city bus off a trapped child.  Water Joe is also good to take hiking to give you that extra umph.  Think about that as your brother-in-law lifts up his dress and sits down on a boulder to rest and drink his Evian while you sip some of YOUR water and then scale a 750 foot vertical in under four minutes to get a better look around.

I don’t know what this world is coming to.  We have more fake stuff than real now: decaf coffee, imitation crab, turkey salami, Pepsi, cubic zirconium, and soyburgers.  Enough already! (3/26/2002)

Niether the Surgeon General nor The Evil Empire Editorial condones mountain climbing or any other exericise while wired on Cappuccino made from Water Joe.  The risk of death is 0%, we can't call it a risk if it is certain to happen. Email Bad Andy with other lethal ideas!