Michael Eisner Officially On Crack
By GFunk, Columnist and Staff Writer
Well, it's official.  Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney, is now battling a drug addiction with crack cocaine.  He announced this in a press conference held this Monday in New York City wherein he also stated that he now wishes to be called "Dope - E- Z" by both coworkers and the media.
This came as no surprise to most of the population, having already endured Disney's release of "The Emperor's New Groove" and their affiliate release with Touchstone Pictures of "BubbleBoy".  Most members of the press and also many Disney employees commented that Mr. Eisner had either "lost his marbles" or "is a crackhead".  Sadly, it appears that the latter of these two assumptions is true.
"I am Zoraz, King of the dwarves," Eisner said to a large group of reporters and Disney executives, "My ass is white as snow." Upon being asked about his motivation to continue to project profit gain into 2002, Eisner stated,  "I gots ta hit the pipe to make my movies  ...  you know, I been from the streets and worked my way up to this shit. . . . I ain't no bitch. Don't call me a bitch.  Yo Momma's a bitch."  Eisner immediately apologized, stating, "I'm just trying to be real with ya. Peace. Ya'll can just call me Dope - E - Z, homies."  Once again on an angrier note, upon being asked about his salary, Eisner said that his percentage of last year's profits was "wack" and that he expects his money by the end of the month or he'll "bitch slap every goddamn executive that don't put out or pay up."
One can only guess the true consequences of such non-payment on the part of Disney executives.

When it came time for Eisner to announce new projects for 2002, he stated that some "Fan-fucking-tastic" events were planned for release this year.  Among the new cinema features would be an adult movie called "Mickey on Top".  Eisner said that he drew the animated feature himself, so he "knows it will be the shit."

Eisner then proceeded to tell the press that tired old joke about Mickey Mouse, the psychiatrist, yadda yadda yadda.  Like everyone doesn't get it.  She's "fucking Goofy". Eisner burst into laughter, though no one else seemed to find the joke humorous.

Among this year's other releases, according to Eisner, will be a double-length feature film entitled, "Michael Eisner Saves the Whole Goddamn World", directed by and starring the Disney Executive himself.  He declined to comment on the movie, for fear that he would "give away the plot."  However, it is reported that some $956 million was spent to make the five and a half hour epic.
The Emperor's New Groove. Children grow up and shoot themselves after watching shit like this.
Onlookers cringed with horror as Eisner next proceeded to strip naked, climb on the podium, and invite the press to come feel his "Little Mermaid".  He promised all those present a "wild ride, not like the sucky ones at my theme parks." Before being detained by security, Eisner did answer one question from the press.  Upon being asked if the company has any plans for acquisitions in the near future, Mr. Eisner replied, "What, you didn't know? You better call somebod-ay!  We own everything.  Hell, the only company we don't really own is Microsoft, and that Bill Gates bitch is mine once I leave here."  When asked to elaborate further on his statement, Eisner mooned the audience and began slapping his buttocks, shouting, "Gimme a piece of that cootie - pie!"
Security detained Eisner, holding him to the floor and handcuffing him.  As he was pulled up to be hauled away, he screamed, "For Shizzle my Nizzle! Fuck all ya'll!"

After Mr. Eisner was taken into police custody for indecent exposure, William J. Wilkinson - Senior V.P. of Human Resources for Disney - was asked what kind of severance Mr. Eisner would receive.
"What, you think we're going to fire him? Christ, this is awesome... the Baptists are gonna hate this."



(1/24/02)
C'mon, give Big Daddy somma dat sumpin' sumpin' -
Granny misses you.  Come home.
Undated Photo of Eisner, Taken using Thought-O-Vision.