Unpopular Man Decides His House is Haunted
By Big B.C., Staff Writer and Columnist
Is your house haunted?  Do you think that flash reflections of grains of dust  are actually ghosts?  You can be a guest on the Big BC Show, call 1-800-IAM-DUMB (426-3862).
East Saint Louis, IL -- Stephen Crane, a food scientiest for the Anheuser-Busch, Co.   admits that he has done some desperate things to be popular in the past, but that his claim to nieghbors and co-workers that this his new house is haunted is not plea for attention and friendship.  Long-time friend and college fraternity brother Peter D'Ilmo explains, "He's been like this for as long as I've known him. He was always making up stories about cool things he never did or buying the beer so that people would put up with him being around. Hey, every frat has to have their dorky rich kid who pays the bills--Steve was ours."  Crane corroborates saying, "Thats true; I'm a popularity slut; I'll pretty much do anything to be popular or even be near popular people, but I'm not making this one up! Just look at the facts!"
Crane received the house from his grandparents last year when they moved into a retirement village in just outside Tempe, Arizona.  Though it meant a longer commute, he
"Its not old, it was built to look like it is old" explains Crane's neighbor, David Sharpe
I'm a popularity slut," says Crane, "I'll basically do anything to be popular or even be near popular people"
"Look at this picture of the tree in my back yard, there are millions of orbs!" says Crane. "Wow," said Sharpe, "it sure was snowing that night."
In addition to unusual happenings, Crane has taken several photographs which he claims prove his paranormal theory.  "See, look at this picture of the tree in my backyard, there are millions of obs!" said Crane.  When shown this photograph (right) Bill Sharpe, and neighbor of Clark's in his new East Saint Louis home had this to day, "Wow, it sure was snowing that night."  Crane however, subscribes to the belief that orbs like those he captured on film (right and below) represent the souls of the dead. "I read on a website how cameras are capable of capturing images of spirits that we can't see with our own eyes and so things that appear in pictures that we didn't see when we took it must be ghosts.  My house is full of orbs! It must be a nexus between this world and the spirit world!" exclaims Crane.
"My house is full of orbs! It must be a nexus between this world and the spirit world!" exclaims Crane.
"This is pathetic," said Sharpe "last week he told me that he thinks his grandparents are haunting the place.  They're not even dead! I talked to them yesterday! Now his new theory is that someone important must have died in the house and now all of these spirits are coming to pay homage, I guess he thinks the house is really old, but its not old, it was built to look like it is old--its called Tudor architecture."  Crane, however, is undetered in his quest to make some friends. He told us, "Next week I have some representatives from the American Ghost Society coming to certify my house as haunted. Then can start giving tours and renting it our for séances." Sharpe, however, is skeptical, saying, "This had better not lower the property values."
decided to move into the two-story house after he completed some renovations to make it a "kickin' bachelor pad." Those renovations have been put on hold, however, while he investigates what he claims are paranormal happening in and around the house. Crane claims that his first noticed that something was unusual with the home during his Thanksgiving visits at the house when he was a child.  He explains, "I always stayed in the room in the basement and you could feel that something wasn't quite right.  The concrete walls were always
cold... sometimes it felt like you weren't alone in the dark."  The renovation process, however, confirmed his suspicions. Crane reports that when he would return to the house each weekend, he would find that ladders that he had left leaning against walls would mysteriously have fallen down during the week and the same picture kept falling off the wall.  "I guess the ghost doesn't like Waterworld" said Crane.
Haunted nor not, Crane's latest ploy for attention might just pay off.  D'Ilmo's concurs, "Maybe he can become friends with the ghost hunters, they seem about as freakish and lonely as he is. He should have thought of that a long time ago."

(12/11/2002)