I Pity The Fool, And That Fool Is You
By Mr. T, Celebrity Guest Columnist
It’s that time of the year again, boys and girls.  Time for the Official Mr. T Pity List for 2002.  So here’s the top ten suckaz I pity this year.  You better pray you ain’t one of ‘em.
10. I pity the Raiders for losing in the playoffs.  I had tickets to the Superbowl, fools… why would I go now?  You know Mr. T’s comin’, so why you gonna go and lose?
9. I pity the fool that leaves a flyer on Mr. T’s windshield. If Mr. T wants to join your health club, Mr. T will come to you.  He don’t need your jibba jabba to tell him to come see you.  Fools.
8. I pity the fools that take drugs.  Hugs are better than drugs, but Mr. T don’t give hugs ‘cept to his momma.  So guess what I’m gonna do to you, sucka?  You guessed it, I’m gonna beat your ass.  By the time I finish with your sorry ass, you’ll be wishing those crack rocks you been smokin’ was Pez.
7. I pity the following cable networks: TNT, Comedy Central, Sci-Fi, and TNN.  You know why?  Cause they keep showing Mr. T the same damn movies over and over and over.  There are a million movies out there, but they gotta show the same five every week.  Mr. T’s tired of watching the Goonies, Cheech & Chong and Pumpkinhead2.  You fools better show me something different.
6. I pity the fool that don’t like milk.  Did you know that milk is full of vitamins and minerals, along with being chock full of calcium?  How do you think Mr. T got so big?  Do you think Mr. T just ate somethin’ that made him magically grow into a fine asskickin’ machine?  No, sucka.  Mr. T drank his milk.  And if Mr. T drinks it, you better damn well drink it too… if you don’t, I pity you.
5. I pity the fools at Enron for stealin’ all those people’s money.  No wonder you’re blowin’ your brains out left and right.  It’s better to be dead than be pitied by Mr. T, cause that’s a world of hurt.
4. I pity the fool at McDonald’s that don’t supersize Mr. T’s combo for free.  Don’t act like you’re taking an order from a bum.  You know you’re taking an order from Mr. T.  And Mr. T ain’t paid for nothin’ extra since 1982.
3. I pity Mike Tyson.  Why you gotta go and start bitin’ people again?  All that says to me is that you can’t fight so you gotta do dirty stuff.  You just full of jibba jabba.  I got half a mind to come beat your ass myself.  No, I got a whole mind to.  I’ll be there in a few minutes, sucka.
2. I pity the fool who farts in elevators and act like he didn’t just fart.  You know you farted.  Why?  Mr. T’s in the elevator with you.  Why you gonna make him smell that nasty stuff, sucka?  Goin’ up or goin’ down, you betta not be goin’ nowhere if you can’t hold it.  And I mean that, sucka.
1. You guessed it, I pity that sucka fool Osama bin Laden.  He’s in for a helluva asskickin’ when I find him… and oh, yes, Mr. T will find him, even if it means I gotta search every damn cave and taxi cab in the world.  Ain’t no sucka gonna kill Americans and make Mr. T scared to get on a plane.  Mr. T was never really scared of planes til you got hold of one.  Now Mr. T’s gotta take the bus.  That ain’t right, and I know you’re wrong.  Sucka, you betta look out.  You may have bin runnin’, you may have bin hidin’, but Mr. T’s gonna wipe his ass with your face before it’s all over with.
Well, kids, that’s it.  That’s Mr. T’s pity list for this year…. I hope you enjoyed seeing who’s gonna get their asses kicked by Mr. T soon.  Til I see you, keep listenin’ to your momma and keep drinkin’ milk.  And pray you don’t ever do nothin’ stupid enough that I have to pity YOU.
The Staff of The Evil Empire Editorial would like to take this opportunity to say that the opinions and views expressed by Mr. T do not necessarily represent those of the Staff of the Evil Empire Editorial - however, we cannot in good conscience make this statement.  Even WE pity the fools that disagree with Mr. T.  You can bet your ass that we'll agree with any damn thing he says.  If this offends you, you can shove it up your ass and deal with Mr. T yourself.  Leave us out of it.
Even Mr. T checks his mailbox at The Evil Empire Editorial!  Send him a note, sucka, and he'll email you back.   Find out if you're a fool, and if you are, find out if he pities you!  He wants to hear from ya!