A new study shows that 74% of Americans think monkeys are funny.   A whopping 86% would classify them as "cute".  It is my hope, friends, that you will be a member of the growing group of people who despise primates of all kinds after you read this article.  That is not just important to me; it is of the utmost importance to the very national security which we all love and cherish.
The statement which I am about to make goes against every warning I've recieved on this assignment.  In fact, folks, I risk my life to sit here and write to the public like this.  It is, however, a risk I am willing to take in order to spread the message which will affect absolutely everything we know and trust in our lives. 
The United States government is breeding monkeys for the expressed purpose of taking away our freedom.
*** I must say, up front, that I have been on the run from government agents for the last several months of my life.  I will not lie; you may be targeted yourself for reading the information I am sharing here, but I feel that the only way to quell this evil which looms upon the horizon is to share this with as many people as possible.  It is the only way we can be saved.  If you email me, I will give you more information about this as soon as I can find another Starbucks with a cyber cafe.  I mean, they're everywhere... the government surely can't tap them all.***
The Truth About Monkeys:
What the Government Doesn't Want You to Know
By GFunk, Columnist and Staff Writer
By GFunk, Columnist and Staff Writer
People, this is worse than the garden gnome conspiracy which we uncovered in 1999.  Our sources here at The Evil Empire Editorial have informed us that the public is unwittingly playing part in an elaborate game which will end up with the enslavement of 90% of the U.S. population - sparing only the rich, the powerful, and Asian Americans (because the government still stereotypically thinks everyone from Asia is a scientist or mathmatician who can be used to help take over the world).
Do you consider this to be cute?  You DO?  You're a fucking Nazi!  Can't you see that this face is the harbringer of death?!
Now I know you're saying, "Huh? Why? How can this be?"  The how I cannot answer, and the why is so complex it makes the rubix cube look as if it's a block of dry, crusty dung.  To speak to the 'why?' as precisely and briefly as possible, it seems that the government  realized in 1989 that there is a huge lack of slave labor in America .  Hispanic peoples were coming over the Mexican border in droves, but they still had to be paid.  The economy was seemingly not growing fast enough for the Washington politicians, whose greed for more senatorial-type perks was spilling forth over the edges of the smoldering cup of filth which is the American beauracracy.
Now, what conclusion did these politicians come to?  Well, it is reported that behind closed doors Sen. Jessie Helms proposed to "put the niggers back in the fields", but since there were many prominent African-American peoples in high ranking government positions, that idea was never officially brought to vote before the House or the Senate and Mr. Helms was largely ignored.  Finally, someone brought up enslaving monkeys, and the idea became a hit.  Monkeys are cheap labor, and they can be trained to do a variety of tasks which can then be transferred to profit.  Opposition to the idea came from certain members of the Senate who thought that the ease and cost efficiency of the whole thing was just a (non)waste of tax dollars and wasn't complex enough to be a government-funded program. 
So, to make a long story short, after many months it was decided that monkeys would be genetically altered into "Super Soldiers" and covertly unleashed upon the world in an elaborate plot meant to enslave HUMANS (which it was also proposed that humans can often do twice the work of an unaltered monkey, which only helped the argument to enslave humans instead of monkeys).  Humans, as tax payers, would themselves be replaced by the ever-so-much more agreeable monkeys, so that no tax dollars would go to waste.  Our station in life would effectively be below the totem pole of these primative creatures, and the government would be able to unleash the full wrath of its greed upon society.
How do I know this?  Well, for the past several months, I have been in contact with a high-ranking military official who claims to have had connection to the program.  To protect his identity, we'll simply call him Lt. Col. James P. Winkler, USAF (Ret.).  Mr. "Winkler" claims to have been stationed at the top-secret military testing facility near Groom Lake, NV, otherwise known as Area 51, from 1986-1994, where he says he directly assisted the base's director in overseeing the genetic altering of monkeys.  From time to time, you will see snippets of the interview I had with Mr. WInkler.  Here is part of the first conversation with him, the first of many meetings which became commonplace for us in late 2001:
GFunk: When the monkeys were first brought to Area 51, were you told why they were being genetically engineered there?

Winkler: Hell, no, son, that was classified information - even for me. 

GFunk: Well, certainly you had assumptions....?

Winkler: Well, personally I figured they were making monkey Super Soldiers.  I knew they'd done it before, back in WWII, to kill off those Nazi bastards.  I figured they were gonna drop a couple crates full of them pumped up chimpanzees on Saddam Hussein's face or something... you get one of those fuckers on your face, and you can kiss that thing goodbye.

GFunk: Kiss the monkey goodbye?

Winkler: No, son, your face.  Are you even listenin' to me?

GFunk: Yeah, sure.  Did you think they could be there for any other reason?

Winkler: Well, I guess they coulda been breedin' 'em for sexual pleasure, but I think that was just wishful thinking on my part.
Mr. Winkler, for the record, refused to elaborate on why he had an apparent fantasy of sorts to be sexually pleasured by a monkey.  One can only hope that such delusions will not break his conscience and take him back to the "dark side."
Intruiged yet? Want to know more so that you can be saved from this plague of Monkey Super-Soldiers?  Well, tough shit.  You'll have to wait for the next edition of E3!  Make sure to come back and see the next chapter of this exciting 3-part expose in February!
Part 1a: The Origins of Evil
Want to get the inside scoop on the government's monkey conspiracy?  Email us, and once we've confirmed you're not a government agent we may tell you what you can do to protect yourself from the primate armageddon which is coming our way!