Paul Reubens Arrested Simply for Being Paul Reubens
Los Angeles, CA -

Paul Reubens, aka as television's Pee Wee Herman, was arrested Friday morning as he left his Los Angeles apartment to go "who knows where", according to local police sources.  L.A.P.D. spokesperson Sal Winthrop would not disclose specifics of the arrest, but did state that "Paul Reubens has been an annoyance to the people of the world for too long" and that "people who are that annoying shouldn't be allowed to see the light of day."

Speculation abounds that this annoyance factor is the prime reasoning for the arrest, as Winthrop elaborated, "Damn, he's one annoying bastard. I mean, have you ever had to watch 'Pee Wee's Big Adventure?' Enough said."

More on this story as it develops.

(11/25/02)
San Antonio, TX -

Nearly five years after the show's cancellation, a local man by the name of Martin Ferrara has decided he likes watching Seinfeld.  In what friends and family have called an "obsession" with the canceled show, Martin plans his day around when the sitcom is going to rerun on the channels which have picked it up for syndication.  On top of that, he is also reported to have brought the dead issue up on numerous occasions, humorously citing the dry humor of Jerry and the wild antics of Kosmo Kramer in his daily life when no one cares about it anymore.

Coworker Mike McNeilly provided some insight. "I sat down in the cafeteria the other day, and Marty is all like 'Did you see Seinfeld last night? George pretended to work for Vandelay Industries again!'... I was all like, 'No, Marty, I didn't see it last night... I saw it eight years ago with the rest of the country.'  Jeez!"

(11/25/02)
After All This Time, Man Starts Watching Seinfeld
Lancaster, PA -

In a scenario that would leave even the manliest ego in shambles, a high school student was recently accused of wearing lipstick at a party while attempting to socialize with a girl that he liked.  Joshua French, a 16 year old Sophomore at Lancaster High, was attending a party with his fellow classmates last Saturday night.  He was talking to Jennifer Hughes, 17, a senior, and "all was going well" according to French until he was accused of wearing lipstick.

"It was humiliating," states French, who had consumed a cherry popsicle only minutes before arriving at the gathering. "She just wouldn't stop laughing, and then she ran off and told everyone that I was wearing lipstick.  And it was all because of that damn cherry popsicle."

French does say that he has no plans as of yet to file suit against the popsicle manufacturer, though he does admit that school life has gotten tough for the once semi-popular teen.  "Monday morning someone had stuck a pair of pantyhose in my locker.  I just wish everyone would believe me and realize it's not funny anymore."

(11/25/02)
Big BC Furious; 98% Sure Seinfeld Article Is About Him
"Fucking Huge" Pizza Jeopardizes Friendship
Richmond, VA -

Marcus Tamby was in for the surprise of his life when he entered a local Richmond pizza establishment last Thursday night while visiting friend George Alba.  He ordered two slices of the restaraunt's famous deep-dish pizza, but got more than he bargained for.

"George told me that the slices were big, but he didn't say they were fucking huge," explains Marcus, who barely finished his first slice of the behemoth deep-dish delicacy before giving up on the second slice. "He knew good and well I'd never be able to eat two, and now I want my $3.95 back for the slice I didn't eat.  Why would he want me to just throw away my money?  He lives here. He knew the pizza was fucking huge, but he just tells me it's big? C'mon, this was way bigger than big. I don't know if I can trust him now."

Alba was not immediately available for comment.

(11/25/02)
Other Headlines
Slightly Less Important But Still Imporant News
The accused, kneeling at his locker in dreaded anticipation of more humiliating girly items.
"He didn't say [the pizza slices] were fucking huge," declares Tamby.
Reubens: Public annoyance or innocent victim?
Ferrara, why won't you let go of 1995?
In a stunning development which could possibly be as catastrophic to a friendship as the "fucking huge" pizza incident mentioned earlier in this issue, Big BC has accused Gfunk of making fun of him in this quarter's After All This Time, Man Starts Watching Seinfeld article.

"I'm 98% sure he's talking about me," reports the frustrated Big BC, "He's made fun of me for watching Seinfeld before, but I don't have that kind of problem with it."

When asked what this may do to the friendship between the two staff writers, Big BC replied, "I guess nothing. He makes fun of me all the time."

When reached for comment, Gfunk laughed heartily for several minutes before saying, "Yeah, maybe he inspired it.  It's stupid.  It's like me going over to his house and saying, 'Hey, guys, did you see the Cosby Show last night?  Theo made the football team.'  So yeah, maybe I was making fun of him a little bit.  Why?  Is he pissed at me?"

More on this story as it develops.

(11/25/02)
Ego Shattered in False Lipstick Accusation
"I don't have a Seinfeld addiction!" proclaims the furious Big BC.
Man Really Proud of His Crappy Luxury SUV
Tacoma, WA -

Jason Wainright has just become the proud fourth owner of a once-cool 1992 LandRover Discovery SUV.  Sure, the pristine white paint has turned into a muted creamy beige and is chipping, and the grey leather interior is ripped and has tufts of padding sticking out like unsightly white balls of fuzz, but he sure is proud of his recent purchase.

"It's got AM/FM, and I think I can make the cassette work if I play with it a little," said Wainright as he beamed in front of his new purchase.  "I think the transmission is a little off, but I don't think it will cost too much to get this baby purring again." 

Truth be told, the gears are actually one full slot off, where park is really reverse, neutral is really drive, etc., but Jason doesn't seem to mind that.

Jason gave the press a thorough inspection of his new acquisition, and even showed us the "special feature" of having to jiggle the handle just right in order to lock the rear passenger side door.

"This is a beauty," says Wainright.  "You know, back in '92, this puppy was loaded.  I just have to replace the tail lights and glue the cargo rack back on top, and this will be a great vehicle.  Now if you guys will excuse me, I have to go cruise for ladies in my new ride!"

After only half a dozen cranks of the ignition, Jason had his crappy SUV up and running.  He gave one last enthusastic wave to the press as he sputtered down the street.

(11/25/02)
The crappy SUV that this poor man thinks will attract women.
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Man Blames Failure of One Project on the Starting of Another
Cary, NC -

Friends report that Justin Yaeger, a technical support operator for SAS Industries has lost interest in yet another pet project.  "He averages about a project a month," said long-time friend Gary Friday, "He works day and night on a project for a week or two and then he'll never talk about it again. He's got the attention span of a squirrel on crack." Yaeger's most recent project was the co-authoring of a fantasy novel with Friday which they had tentatively titled, Nightfall Beneath the Mountain but Friday complains that Yaeger stopped working on it 2 weeks ago. "He keeps telling me that he's going to work on it but this is going to end like the time we bought that '65 Mustang and started to restore it--where is it now?  Collecting rust and taking up space in my backyard!"

Yaeger, however, tells a different tale, "I was just messing around at work, cause you know people that call tech support are fucking morons so I can do ten other things while I help them install self-installing software.  Anyway, I started making this awesome website about Garden Gnomes and I just haven't had the time to work on the book."

"I guess its my own fault for believing that this would be the one he followed through with," said Friday, "At least I know this garden gnome thing won't last much longer.  Maybe we can start short-lived band named The Mad Garden Gnomes next."

Yaeger's next obsession is yet unknown but co-workers report that, in the last week, he has visited a number of websites about making cheeze at home.

(12/02/02)
Yaeger dresses like a garden gnome on casual friday to showcase his obsession of the week.