So You Like Priests?
By Bad Andy, Feature Columnist and Rant Consultant
I’m sick and tired of listening to the “I was molested by a priest” crowd.  Who over the past 30 years HASN’T been molested by a priest?  Shut up already, you’re NOT special!  OK, so I don’t really believe that the majority of the population has been molested.  At least I have everyone’s attention now.  Molestation story concocters, this rant is for you.
Shut up and listen while Bad Andy has his way with your brain.  For most of you, this will be the first time you have been abused because the accusations you made against some clergyman are as bogus as Hillary Clinton’s windfall in the commodity markets.  Come on, half of you aren’t even Catholic!  The only priest you ever saw was on reruns of M*A*S*H.

Even the ones of you who are Catholic and probably have seen a priest other than on TV, you are still so full of shit you make Oprah look like the new George Washington.  Yea, so a few of you may have had a real problem.  If you were ALL telling the truth, some priests managed to fit in raping thirty boys a week between daily mass and weddings and funerals and visiting people in the hospital and hosting confession and doing counseling and …   Did you guys line up outside his office with your pants down to speed the process along?
Captain John Francis Patrick Mulcahy never moltested anyone, not even you.
I find it interesting that no one admitted that they had been molested until it looked like one legitimate case might get paid off.  Then all of a sudden there were 50,000,000 undocumented and unreported molestations that people “remembered” over the following two weeks. 

None of this could take place in a real court.  Every state has a statute of limitations which LIMITS the amount of time you have to charge and prosecute a crime in criminal court or seek restitution in a civil court.  With the exception of murder, there are very few crimes to which the statute of limitations does not apply.  Why do the states do this?  Because after a while, the evidence is so cold that no one can say with any sort of reliability what really happened.  In most of the cases recently brought to light, the statute of limitations has run out.  The “victims” could attempt to defame the church to force an out-of-court settlement, but they couldn’t sue the church.  I use the term “victims” here very loosely as many of the “victims” are really the perpetrators and the real victims are the priests.  The “victims” are abusing the statute of limitations.  If they took their cases to court and told the same stories they tell on TV, they could be charged with perjury for telling such outrageous lies under oath. 

This isn’t about restitution; it’s about blackmail.  You realize that the Catholic Church has money and you want it.  Never mind that that all of their money was donated by millions of Catholics around the world to be used to feed hungry children and build orphanages and run hospitals.  You don’t give a shit about any of that.  Fuck the starving children and the orphans and all those sick people; you still want the church’s money.  You’ll shout your lies at the top of your lungs until you get paid to shut up.  The people with the real case here is the church.  To be prosecutable as slander, a statement must be both malicious and false.  Let’s look at false first.  Let’s see, no evidence, reported suspiciously long after the fact, and huge ulterior motive.  Yea, I think we can substantiate false.  How about malicious?  Given that the lies you tell are designed exclusively to ruin the reputation of the church (a charity), I think malicious is an understatement.  The church could sue YOU!  I think they should.  I’d love to sit on a jury and award the Catholic Church a settlement against YOU.  I’d love to see them come take away your Lexus and sell it at auction and turn you out of your house and sell that too.  I’d love to see them spend your money to feed starving children and build orphanages and run hospitals to help the same unfortunates you tried to screw over when you went on the morning show and claimed that some priest you never even met molested you.  I’d love to see you go to prison and learn what it’s like to take it up the ass for real instead of just in your head.

Is nothing sacred anymore?  Has society no shame?  I can’t believe that so many people would try to blackmail the church.  We really are too sick to survive.  I think you go to Hell for that anyway.  So some of the gold diggers really did get it on with a priest at one time.  Like I care!  That’s no reason to become a gold digger.  If they had complained when their asses still hurt that would be one thing, but 20 years later there IS no case.  Most of these sacks of shit have kids.  They can’t have been too scarred for life if they went on to start families.  What are they going to say now, that they were molested by nuns to turn them strait again? 

Get a job!  Work for a living!  Stop trying to rip off a charity!  I’d rather sit next to a bestiality freak that one of you.  Yea they’re frighteningly sick and depraved, (not that YOU can call anyone else depraved) but they only represent moral decay on an individual level.  You people are gangrene on the ass of society itself.

(9/5/2002)
The Evil Empire Editorial would like to point out that, even though he thinks he is, Bad Andy is not Catholic and is among those of you who have only seen a priest on television.  As always, his opinions are his own and not the official position of the Evil Empire Editorial.