Vanilla Sky (2001)
Starring:  Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz
Directed by:  Cameron Crowe
Uh oh, looks like someone forgot to take his Scientology pills!
the film cricket and the ladybug give this film:
One is the loneliest number, especially when you're a self-absorbed asshole.  Not you, J.C.--the one with the teeth.




                                                           





the film cricket and the ladybug take on Toothy Cruise.


In honour of this particularly awful movie--one that your dutiful reviewers actually paid to watch in the theatre together--we present to you a special joint review.  Beware:  spoilers ahead!
<The Ladybug> So, I thought this movie looked pretty good in the previews.
<The Film Cricket> It sure did.  Peter Gabriel's "Solsbury Hill" helped the trailer a lot.
<The Ladybug> But the problem was, I couldn't figure out what the movie was about.
<The Film Cricket> I agree. You don't really find out until the last ten to fifteen minutes of the movie.  I didn't like the way that Vanilla Sky seemed to be about four or five movies at once.
<The Ladybug> Yeah, it's like, "Hi, I'm a sexy man who has it all, but there's this crazy bitch after me, and whoops!  I died.  Or did I?"  There was too much going on.  The cryogenics thing seemed like an afterthought.
<The Film Cricket> Yeah. For the first few minutes of the movie, I thought it was a morality tale.  Then when Penelope Cruz came in, I thought it was about how love makes evil men good.  Then it became a movie about sanity/insanity and real/unreal.  Then it became Total Recall meets Highlander.  Ridiculous!  Oh yeah, let's not forget "Futurama" and Lost Highway.  Bizarre!
<The Ladybug> Throw in a little Kurt Russell for good measure…
<The Film Cricket> Oh, that guy was totally superfluous.
<The Ladybug> At least Total Recall had cool special effects.  The closest thing to that here was Penelope’s accent.  So, did you enjoy "zee pleasure of Sophia"?
<The Film Cricket> Hmm…I really did not.  Yet, she was underused in this film.
<The Ladybug> But really, could you have tolerated more of her?
<The Film Cricket> Hmm…good point.
<The Ladybug> They went to great pains to show us how wonderful she is, like, "She can dance!  She can draw!  She's a free spirit!  She loves Tom even though he’s ugly!"  It was like watching her canonization.  And it takes a lot to get me to like a movie after they've started shoving down our throats how much we're supposed to desire one of the leads.  If she can't accomplish that on her own, then something's wrong.
<The Film Cricket> To be honest, I'd rather bang Cameron Diaz than Penelope Cruz.  
<The Ladybug> Me too. 
<The Film Cricket> Well, I have mixed feelings about Cameron Diaz.  She really was the dream woman in There's Something About Mary, but in everything else, she's been annoying.  Including Vanilla Sky.
<The Ladybug> She really has a fascination with her own breasts and ass.
<The Film Cricket> She seems to be shaking her ass in every movie she's in these days.  Charlie's Angels, and now that new one...
<The Ladybug > The Shittiest Thing?
<The Film Cricket> Right.  What did you think of Jason Lee?
<The Ladybug> I thought he was a sexy mofo.  I wouldn't kick him out of my bed...rroww!  But he had to play second fiddle to Toothy.  Why?
<The Film Cricket> Indeed.  Penelope made a bad choice fo' sho'.
<The Ladybug> Word.  I hate how he was misused as Basil Exposition.  Like he'd pop up every so often to remind Tom that he was going to get his comeuppance sometime soon, spouting these little platitudes like, “You have to have the sour to appreciate the sweet," or some shit like that.  In other news, I really could have done without a few thousand of those sex scenes between Penelope and Tom.
<The Film Cricket> Yes, those nipple-shots were an unpleasant surprise.
                                                More...