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What the hell happened to me?

Alright. I'm the first to admit, I'm not the best looking man. But what the hell happened to me?

Two weeks ago, my wife left me. Something about I'm bad at communication--I don't know, I wasn't listening. Anyway, so I decided to make a webpage about myself so all the ladies can come and get some of their Mike Jobitz. I took a few pictures with the digital camera and quickly realized why Marie left me.

I fucking ugly.

Jesus, I thought I was at least half way decent looking. What happened to me in the last three years? Since when is my head so big? When did my face get fat? Why do I have a constant razor burn on my neck?

I am 5'7" and I am 196lbs. When did I get fat? In college I was a constant 160. I have gained 36 pounds. Christ, I don't blame Marie for leaving me, physical attraction is the most important thing in a relationship. Hell I'm surprised she stuck around for as long as she did.

I tried a personal ad shortly after discovering how fat and ugly I was. This appeared in several publications over the weekend.

Short and Stumpy: George from Seinfeld look alike. Has chubby body, ear lobes are too big for huge head which rests on top of a plethora of neck fat--which gives me multiple chins. Likes cats instead of dogs, drives jeep with pussy tires. Seeks hot girl.

So far no calls.

Well forget it. I maybe short and stumpy, but I need lovin too. So I'm going on a diet. Yep, no more large pizza's in one sitting. No more licking the grease off of bottom of the hot pockets.

It's all over. Mark my words, I am going to be with a new girl by next week.

Or, I'll be in my new bachelor pad alone. Either way re-runs of Cops will be on the TV.

By Mike Jobitz