Season Two, Episode Seventeen:

Brief Summary: Home Alone meets Lord of the Flies.

Summary: A fire engine rushes to the scene of a burning building, only to be stopped when Overkill steps out and destroys the engine.

Cut to a group of Cobras with flame-throwers (Incinerators?) torching a warehouse full of schoolbooks. The Joes get the call that the normal fire department can’t make it and so, they’re on their way!

Mercer is among the Joes sent to fight the fire and Cobra. He goes into the warehouse. The Cobra troopers retreated and Mercer finds that Cobra is replacing the burned schoolbooks with their own propaganda-filled textbooks.

Suspension of disbelief is very important in storytelling. It’s essential that your audience be able to believe that the story world is real, at least for as long as the story is being told. If people can’t believe in your story world, then they’re not going to want to pay attention to that story world.

Unless they’re masochistic reviewers working on a guide to the DiC episodes in exchange for a pact with the Dark Masters Who Control My Internet Access (currently known as Comcast, Bringers of BBCAmerica, all hail their name).

See, the problem with Cobra’s plan is this: the references they’re making in the schoolbooks are so broad that they can’t be missed. Example: at one point, one of the Joes opens a book to a picture of Ben Fangland discovering electricity. Maybe in Springfield (as in Simpsons) they wouldn’t notice that rather glaring factual error but…c’mon folks…

Now, granted, this is an episode being aimed at a younger audience and clearly, things are being painted in broad strokes. For a scheme like this to work well, the propaganda would have to be so subtle that it wouldn’t be noticed right off the bat. Subtle shadings of meaning and nuance, rather than overt references to fictional historical figures like Mr. Fangland. These are not the kinds of things that can easily be explained in a half-hour kiddie show meant to help sell war toys. Especially considering the plot of the rest of the episode.

Basically, the doctored schoolbooks are an excuse to get us to the rest of the story. As a McGuffin, they’re not so bad. At least in comparison to what happens next…

Mercer heads to a Cobra warehouse to investigate what the Cobras have been up to. While he’s sneaking around, Road Pig shows up and gives chase, letting us know one more time that Mercer used to be a member of Cobra. I believe it’s at this point that Road Pig called Mercer a traitor to which Mercer replies that he used to work for Cobra which made me scratch my head and think “Yes, Mercer, you used to work for Covra, now you work for GI Joe. Technically, you’re a traitor to Cobra. And didn’t you used to be taller?”

Mercer ends up on a truckload of books, being hauled somewhere. Finding a shipping lable, he learns that that the books are being taken to Greenbriar Elementary school.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Mercer says, giving voice to the thoughts I’ve been having since I decided to turn this episode on.

Cut to Cobra Commander at the school overseeing the delivery of the books. After telling Metal-Head and Slice and Dice to be careful with the books, he gives us a bit of expositionary dialogue saying that he hopes to use these books to turn the kids of the school into the next generation of Cobra recruits. The teachers have been taken hostage and Cobra Commander tells Metal-head to take the teachers to the cafeteria.

Side Note: I have discovered a handy rule of thumb to help you tell if a DiC episode is going to be stupid or not: “If Metal-Head is in the episode, expect it to be silly.” “I Found You…Evy” has no Metal-head and is not silly. “Granny Dearest” has Metal-Head and is silly. “Operation: Dragonfire” has no Metal-Head and is not silly. “Pigskin Commandos” has Metal-Head in it for a few frames and is very silly.

We cut to one of the classrooms where a group of about six kindergarten-aged kids is sitting around with no teacher to supervise them (since they’re being taken to the cafeteria). One of them, a buzz-cut sporting red-head named Tommy is complaining about how unfair it is that kindergartners have to start a week before first grade. A second kid named Bradley, who is sporting glasses and a modified Einstein-cut, looks up and seems bemused by the idea that someone wouldn’t want to be in school. After all, he’s been waiting for this all his life! The rest of the kids are your general multi-cultural mix of cartoon kids, including the requisite girls and minority students.

Cobra Commander comes into the room and tells the kids that he’s their new teacher. He proceeds to give a demonstration about how Cobra is stronger than the rest of the world using a snake to represent Cobra (natch) and the class’s pet frog to represent everyone else. Bradley steps in to rescue the frog, telling Cobra Commander that he won’t let him hurt the class pet.

Note: as obnoxious as the kids are in this episode, I have to give props to the voice actors (more likely actresses) for making the kids sound normal rather than using some sort of high-pitched falsetto nails on blackboard tone. My biggest beef about the portrayal of the kids is the fact they all seem way too clever for their age, but at leas their voices don’t make me want to chew glass. Also kudos to the writer for not making the kids sound all twee and ootsy-kyoote.

Metal-Head steps up and asks the kids if they’d like an artillery lesson. Being normal kids, they all say “YEAH!” and follow him and the Commander outside. Metal-head, in a surprisingly calm moment for the character, takes aim at a target the kids pick (“The cafeteria truck! The cafeteria truck!”) and fires, blowing it to bits much to Bradley’s horror.

This is about the part where Mercer finally gets out of the truck only to get spotted by Slice and Dice who manage to tip him into the school gymnasium where Cobra Commander and the kids are waiting.

Mercer taunts Cobra Commander and Tommy, being a bit of a mimic, picks up on it. In order to save face, Cobra Commander tells the kids that Mercer’s the enemy. Once the kids figure this out, they charge Mercer and easily subdue him. Which is actually understandable because, well, he is one of the good guys and he’s not about to start beating the snot out of a bunch of kids.

Mercer sputters something about the kids having been brainwashed at this point but if you ask me it’s more that they’re playing along with the rather silly-looking adults who showed up at their classroom. This is especially borne out by the fact the kids seem to be more than willing to switch sides if the other side seems more interesting. In this, the writing seems to be pretty bang on as far as portraying the mercurial nature of little kids.

Cobra Commander gets the kids settled down and pulls out a copy of “Snakespeare” to read to them. Yes, Snakespeare. Slice and Dice take this moment to sneak off to the teacher’s lounge since they don’t want to be bored by the Commander’s reading.

CC begins to read a Cobra-ized version of Hamlet’s soliliquy: “To hiss or not to hiss, whether it is nobler to suffer the slings and lasers of GI Joe…” While he reads, the kids get bored and Metal-head falls asleep. Bradley, in a desperate attempt to save his fellow classmates’ future appreciation of art, suggests an eraser fight. His classmates respond with their usual enthusiasm “Eraser Fight! Eraser Fight!” and start whipping erasers about the room, plunging it into complete chaos. Which, again, suggests to me that these kids aren’t brainwashed so much as they’re easier to lead than a one man parade.

The kids turn on Cobra and free Mercer who calls Duke while the kids torment the Cobras in the room (namely Metal-head and the Commander). Metal-Head screams like a girl when two of the kids lower a gerbil cage over his head. Which led me to wonder two things. First, who makes a gerbil cage with a hole in the bottom that’s just appropriately head-sized? And second, who the hell is afraid of gerbils? Rats, sure, but gerbils? And a third things: hey, Metal-Head! You could MOVE out of the way! Sheesh…

Cobra Commander yells for Metal-head to get the teachers back from the cafeteria, only to be told that Metal-Head sent them to Siberia instead. Oh god. My sides. Help me. Please.

Slice and Dice stay in the teachers’ lounge, enjoying some coffee. Smart lads. Though one has to wonder why they both hiss like that. And did they sound like that before joining Cobra or is this something they picked up around base?

Metal-head calls for backup at the Commander’s orders since six five-year-olds and one Joe are way too much for them at the moment. Road Pig gets the message and decides that, judging by the screaming on the other end of the line, that Metal-Head and the Commander are under serious attack! Which is pretty smart for Road Pig. So, he grabs some BATs and off he goes!

Mercer, according to the kids, is apparently cooler than Cobra Commander. His coolness factor is probably aided by the fact that all four Cobras end up captured and tied up in less than 2 minutes. We’re not even shown how Slice and Dice get caught, but it must’ve been some killer Kindergarten-Fu. It’s worht noting that Mercer ties Metal-head up but doesn’t bother to remove Metal-head’s voice-activated anti-tank missile launching rig. It probably helps that Metal-Head isn’t smart enough to realize he could easily blow Mercer into fine red mist.

Note: It’s at some point in here that Mercer first addresses the kids as the Kindergarten Commandos, which causes them to chant the name a few times before they go about their evil work.

Mercer and the kids go outside to wait for the Joes to show up. While they’re outside, they see the approaching Cobra forces. They immediately scramble to set up a series of Home Alone-style booby traps for the incoming Cobras.

Mercer takes a moment with the kids to tell them that Bradley is his second in command and that they should obey any orders Bradley gives them as if they came from Mercer himself. The not-so-subtle message here is that it’s good to be the smart kid because being smart means you’re good at coming up with cheesy traps for cheesier terrorists. Or something. Stay in school kids.

Once again, the Joes show up just as the Cobra Forces are about to go in to the school. This has the benefit of meaning that we won’t be treated to a pitched battle with armored vehicles versus small children. Dangit…

The Cobras in the school await their rescuers.

“You are all hopeless incompetents!” Cobra Commander screams at the others who are tied up with him. Why he is just now noticing this is beyond me. I mean, we’re near the end of the second season here, you’d think he’d have picked up on this by now.

Overkill and his BATs go over the wall around the school only to be met with the first wave of booby traps. They retreat and regroup, proving that BATs aren’t as dumb as everyone thinks they are.

A hole gets blown in the school wall and Road Pig goes in with a few BATs and is also met by Kindergarten Commando brand booby traps. Unlike Overkill, however, Road Pig manages to keep going. Tommy, sensing that they need some better firepower, runs into the school and into the room where the Commander and the others are being held.

Cobra Commander and the others have managed to free themselves from their bonds. The Commander looks at Tommy and tells him to go home, it’s past his bedtime. Tommy instead proceeds to yell “BANG!” several times, very loudly. This causes Metal-head to go “..ohno..” in a very small voice before every missile on his rig goes off in a spectacular explosion that ultimately stops Road Pig in his tracks.

One would hope that the guys at MARS, Inc fixed that particular bug in the voice-recognition software soon after this episode. Otherwise…sucks to be Metal-head.

Cobra Commander staggers out to the school yard and sits on the playground’s merry-go-round (the sort you grab hold of and run around to get it spinning then try to jump on while it’s moving). He mutters something about having had it with kids, he’ll just grow new troopers in the lab. Which seems a much more sensible plan to me.

He then taunts Bradley, calling him by the hated nickname “Brainy Bradley”. Which causes Bradley to smile and turn on the jetpack engine that’s been hooked to the carousel which causes Cobra Commander to go flying off school grounds.

Tommy comes over and puts his arm around Bradley’s shoulders and the two make friends. Cobra Commander and the rest of Cobra hightail it out of there to lick their wounds and come up with more macho stories to explain any scars they got this time around. (“This scar? Err…bar fight in Tijuana over a Mexican hooker with a glass eye named Rosita…”)

We then pause for the Message of The Day from Mercer who tells the kids to remember that the real enemy isn’t Cobra, it’s ignorance. And the best weapon they can have is what’s inside their brain. Which means right now I’m carrying the equivilant of a planet-killer! Damn you DiC! DAMN YOU!!!

Commentary: Kindergarten Commandos is my vote for one of the worst DiC episodes out there (the worst will probably always be The Greatest Evil). The idea is ludicrous, the kids are obnoxious little trolls (though again, the voices are well done) who have the annoying habit of chanting things in unison several times during the episode. I can still hear the chanting, if I think about it. It never goes away. It’s like when the drums stop in the jungle and you know that the evil is coming for you. Curse you my dark masters! Curse you! The things I do to be able to MUSH and catch the odd episode of Father Ted.

There’s not much else to say about this episode except…what the hell were they thinking!?