| A Day in life of Erik(My Costume-The female version)-Halloween 2001 |
| It was a windy afternoon, when I had my mask in hand, ready to put on my face. I was charmed by the way it felt, so mysterious to my own usual face. I put on dark lipstick, purple eyeshadow, things that made my eyes come out, even more so. But it was more than just makeup, a light up rose, and a mask. It was the phantess, the phantom there. Not only inside my mind, but a reflection in the mirror. The velvet cloak fit me perfectly, it wrapped me in it's blackness like a wonderful pair of arms. It gave me confidence-a seductive power. The joy in feeling that, as I sung softly to the soundtrack, was overwhelming. Suddenly I realized, in this moment ...Erik and I were totally the same. Yet I still felt like a little bit of a flirt, I knew with my way of acting like him, I could get attention. It's the one day of the year when it's excusable. And then, on my way downtown, I began to feel crushed. Someone put me in that posistion, and as I realized whom I was, it only became more appropriate to act depressed, the art and beauty of life appealing to me, even if I've never had it. As I went through hall after hall in a bookstore, getting stares from everyone-I knew how he felt. Outwardly, he may have gave the appearance that he could have cared less, but it still hurt. I've felt it all my life, the feeling of not being accepted. Tears began to roll down my face, going down street after street at night, them catching in my half mask. How horrible it must have been to have that tease on the left side, taunting him by showing him what beauty on the outside he could have been. What torment! I held my rose infront of me, glancing up at sign after sign, people embracing one another, I began to get more into character. My recent life came back to haunt me, and tears fell onto the street. Some might think I had a hard halloween. Quite the opposite. I knew what it was like-I was grateful for that. Even if it took someone hurting me to get to the being of Erik, I was grateful for it. I suppose in a big way, I'm a lot like Erik. I can get depressed very easily, fly into rages and then again, be as caring as anyone, hanging onto the hope of acceptance, love, so badly that to others it might be disturbing. I want love to be there for me. I maybe young, but I have the mind of a adult, mostly. I still at times act very much like a child... But not tonight. Tonight I was Pandora, the Phantess. Alexis dissappeared. Tonight, I truly was Erik's mirror twin. At times I felt so angry, I really could crash something to prove my point, no matter who it hurt, for someone to finally notice me. That's all I want, really. For someone to realize, I too have feelings capable of hurting....that I too, need love. Touch for me is soo important. I'm not a person who needs constant touch, but every now and then, it would be nice. I experienced that as well. Walking down a street where couples embraced openly, hugging and kissing around me, the simple gesture of holding hands-ah, it was too much for this tortured soul. I wished so very much, that the night in it's own way, would never end. Soon, though, the mask began to hold a new meaning for me, something that someone might hide behind for most of their lives. It was time to take it off. So in doing so, taking off the cloak, the spell was broken, at least in the physical sense. But not in the heart. Halloween is for dress up, just a holiday, but I plan to do it as often as possible. There is nothing more fulfilling to know that his soul and mine bonded, in it's own way. I must reconnect with that. Never let it go. And as for right now, I hunger for that mask to be on me again. Maybe I do need to try out for the show if it ever comes, or a part like it in a play. My true love, lost in a shadowplay, I will find a way, thru fear and doubt..I will find you out, in the secret places you hide about...... He's hid in my heart, all along. |
| "A day in the life of Erik-Halloween 2001" Is a copyrighted work by moi. 2001. |
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