| The Hobbits and the Lobsters I have no idea what I was on when I wrote this. It's really quite messed up. Its logic is beyond me. Let's say this is what whould happen if you took Hornblower and Lord of the Rings and put them in a blender... |
| BUNTING: I’m HUUUUUNNNNNGRRRRYYYYY! PIPPIN: So am I. Let’s have breakfast! HORATIO: But you already had breakfast. PIPPIN: What about Second Breakfast? Elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? CAPTAIN PELLEW: Damn your impudence! How dare you steal food from your shipmates’ bellies! GANDALF: Fool of a Took! FRODO: Ow! I’ve been stabbed by a wraith! BUCKLAND: Is there nothing you can do for him? DR. CLIVE: A tinch of laudanum to ease the pain, and all will soon be forgotten. SAM: Forgotten Dr. Clive, but…wow, an elf! ARWEN: Ah am but zee peasant, I have zee one necklace for Aragorn… HORATIO: Shadow a-lee! ELROND: You must go and do your doo-ty. You must throw the ring into the Cracks of Doom. OLDROYD: I’m coming too! You’ll need people of intelligence on this mission…quest…thing! STYLES: That rules you out. LEGOLAS: (whining, pointing to Gimli) I don’t like having to travel with these dwarves. HORATIO: These dwarves, Legolas, these are the good dwarves. LEGOLAS: A dwarf is a dwarf. And the only good dwarf is a dead dwarf, sir! SAM: This’ll end badly Mr. Frodo, you mark my words! EDRINGTON: (Looking at the lack of bath-age with everyone) I usually find the more able the officer, the better turned-out the men. At least with elves. RINGWRAITH #5: Shire…Baggins… ARCHIE: Nine! Nine freaky Ringwraiths! BUSH: We want burning wraiths, not a boiling…well, whatever… RINGWRIATH #5: Shire…Bag…er, which Baggins? WELLARD: I can’t let you remember! GANDALF: Run! It’s a Balrog! BUSH: Heated rock! He’s using heated rock! GANDALF: Take one step closer, Balrog, and I’ll see you in hell! (falls into shadow) HOBBS: Now what? HORATO: He was a leader of men… LEGOLAS: A lament for Gandalf! CAPTAIN SAWYER: Good-bye Gandalf the Grey, farewell and adooooooooooo! A tot of rum to every man! (cheers) And to every elf (more cheers) and to every dwarf (cheer from Gimli) and to every hobbit! (ecstatic little people) MERRY: Now this, my friend, is a tot. PIPPIN: A tot? It comes in tots? I’m getting one! HORATIO: Helm boy, change course. We’re going into the mines of Moria. HELM BOY: --------- HUNTER: Are you sure that’s a wise course? ARAGORN: We’ve sailed into a nest of orcs! GALADRIEL: Give me the ring, Mr. Eff! I’ll cart the d*mn thing around in me underwear! HORATIO: If your Ladyship would be so kind FRODO: Orcs are coming! My sword is blue! BUSH: But we’re only nine men. ARCHIE: Not quite nine. OLDROYD: I wish we were back in the Shire. STYLES: Yellow fever? Typhoid? Nah, you’re much better off here. SAM: (Swimming to Frodo, voice falling) I…can’t…swimmmmmmmm! ARCHIE: Jump, you’ll be all right! SAM: What’s the matter Mr. Frodo? FRODO: Just thinking of the distances we’ve traveled, and how far we’ve yet to go as men. PIPPIN: Gag me with a mushroom! MERRY: Mushrooms! HUNTER: Don’t be bought with this muck, lads! It’s English beef we want! And English beer! URUK-HAI: You are charged with sedition and treason. You are sentenced to death by order of the Dark Lord. Vive le Sauron! (Orcs pick up Merry and Pippin) MERRY: So, Pip, are we going to sit out the war? PIPPIN: It must be lovely to walk in the sun… HORATIO: We will save Merry and Pippin when the time is right. We must make a plan! We need to find out how many guards there are… ARAGORN: Plans are dumb. Let’s hunt some orc! ARCHIE: Five times I’ve tried, and Mordor got further away every time… SAM: You may yet, Mr. Archie. HELM BOY: ------- |
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