"Buck Buck where are you Buck?" Sara called as she raced into the house and up the stairs. Sara Cross had barely been able to contain her excitement as she drove away from town. Now she wanted nothing more then to share the news with the man she loved most in the world. But where was he? Jimmy had said he was in the house---

"The bedroom!" Sara's mind screamed as she flew from Buck's study with a renewed sense of excitement fueling her steps. She had been right Buck was in the bedroom, But something was obviously wrong Buck stood starring blankly out the window his long black hair was dampened by sweat. Sara knew from her place just outside the door that Buck had just come back from a long hard ride. She had the sickening feeling that he had been trying to run away from something but what?

The more Sara stood and watched her husband the more worried she became and all thoughts of her wonderful news went out the window. "Come to think of it," Sara told herself, "Buck has been terribly distant over the past week or two and I'm going to find out why." She finished silently but full of determination.

"Buck did you hear me?" Sara asked as she stepped up behind him and placed her hand gently on his shoulder, which she was shocked to find was shaking slightly as if he had been crying.

Buck jumped slightly and turned to meet the worried look that swam in his wife's bright blue eyes. "Huh?" He said dumbly trying to no avail to hide his surprise at Sara's sudden appearance.

Suddenly unsure of what to say Sara opted for the easy out. "What's wrong?" She asked simply then was silent and stood before Buck awaiting the answer she knew would never come.

Just as she had expected Buck simply turned and gave her a small smile kissed her sweetly and said "Nothing, Just tired." Buck then left the room without another word.

Sara watched him leave then sat quietly on the bed holding his pillow tightly against her stomach trying to stop the wave a sickness that had suddenly invaded her body. She was also trying to stop the flood of tears that were falling from her eyes. How could she possibly tell him her news now? How would he take it? As Sara Cross slowly wiped a fresh stream of tears from her eyes she was indeed wondering just how Buck would take the news that he was going to be a father. He would be happy, wouldn't he?

Sara would find out tonight. She had to.

*~* *~* *~* *~* *~*

Later that night it seemed to Sara that Buck's emotional state had improved somewhat he didn't seem quite so distant. She saw him smile at her from his perch on the end of the bed behind her as she brushed her hair. Then as the pair slipped into bed both spoke at the same time.

"Buck there's - - -"

"Sara I need to - - -"

Both laughed.

"Go ahead you first." Sara said as she gave Buck a small smile.

Buck spoke in a slightly shaky voice which surprised Sara considerably. "Nothin' I just wanted to say I love you." He lied and Sara knew it.

"Buck?" Sara's voice was drawn out as she begin to protest Buck's not telling her what was really on his mind. But he cut her off before she could say more then his name.

"I need you Sara. I need my wife," was all Buck said before taking Sara in his arms and kissing her, a kiss that spoke volumes which Sara had never before seen in her husband.

No matter how bad Sara wanted to tell Buck about their baby something told her now was not the right time. With a small sigh unheard by Buck, Sara gently fisted her hands in his long silky hair and allowed herself to be taken in by Buck's intense passion.

Sometime later as the pair lay silent Sara decided now was the time to tell Buck her news.

"Buck," she whispered against his chest but got no reply. "Buck?" She tried again and still no response so Sara looked up and found the her husband had fallen fast asleep.

"Tomorrow" Sara said with a heavy sigh and she snuggled herself my tightly against Buck's body and went to sleep.

Sometime during the night Sara woke feeling a bit queasy when she reached for Buck all she found was a cool empty pillow. "Buck?" Sara called in a low voice. No answer. She reached over to turn up the bed side light and noticed his clothes were gone. "Now where has he gone?" Sara asked the moonlight as she stared out the window into the blackness of night.

As Sara lay in the bed waiting for the queasy feeling to pass she became worried as well as angry. "What was going on inside that head of his?" Sara asked herself. "How could he make love to me one moment and then leave our bed to go lord only knows where in the middle of the night?"

Just before giving in the call of sleep Sara had decided that Buck obviously needed to be alone to deal with 'whatever' was bothering him. Well, tomorrow she would give him exactly what he needed. No matter how bad it hurt her to do it.

*~* *~* *~* *~* *~*

Early the next morning after speaking to Rachel about her plan Sara returned to the ranch to pack a few of her belongings. Just as she was about open the front door she was met by a very much surprised Buck. As he looked at his wife he noticed the small satchel held tightly in her hand.

"Sara, what are you doing?" Buck asked trying to keep the fear that had just gripped him by the throat from showing through his voice.

"Buck I'm going to stay with Rachel and Teaspoon for a while." Sara replied as she swallowed hard in an attempt to stop her own tears from falling.

"What? Why?" Buck stammered.

"Buck," Sara said weakly, "I know that you are dealing with something that is difficult for you right now. I've woken up several times during the night to find you gone. I don't know what is going on inside that head of yours and I know you won't tell me until you are ready. But in the mean time I can't sit around and watch you hurting and do nothing about it. Seeing you the way you have been lately breaks my heart. I love you Buck. I love you enough to leave you alone while you work through whatever this demon you are fighting is. Please understand I'm not leaving you I'm just giving you the space I feel you need. You know where I'll be and remember I love you."

"Sara wait please." Buck pleaded.

"I'm sorry Buck I can't it hurts to much. You know where to find me when you're ready."

With that Sara walked out the door leaving a very stunned Buck speechless and unable to move.

Several days passed and Sara was not doing well at all she missed Buck and she was angry with herself for not telling Buck that she was carrying his child before she left. It didn't help matters that she seemed to be sick more than what Rachel thought was normal for a pregnant lady.

Buck meanwhile was constantly breating himself for not telling Sara of his reoccurring nightmare. But he knew telling her would only make her worry. Not knowing what else to do Buck started looking for comfort in the bottom of a bottle. It worked but only for a while.

One morning Buck woke to a pounding on his door. He made his way down the stairs and was greeted by a very stern looking Jimmy.

"Buck you look like hell." Jimmy said honestly as he followed Buck toward the Kitchen. "Sit down I'm makin' us some coffee," Jimmy continued as Buck sat down at the table. Taking a seat across from his Kiowa friend Jimmy spoke again. "Buck what's goin' on here? Sara is stayin' with Teaspoon and Rachel you look like hell. What's goin' on?"

"I miss her Jimmy." Buck whispered as Jimmy set a steaming mug of coffee in front of him.

"Do ya wanna tell me what happened?" Jimmy asked carefully.

Buck drew a deep breath. "I've been having this nightmare about the day my mother was murdered. The same dream every night for a couple weeks now."

"And you haven't told Sara?" Jimmy broke in.

"I told you Jimmy if she knew she would only worry. It wouldn't do any good for her to know." Buck finished in an angry tone of voice as he took a long swallow of his coffee.

"Come on Buck." Jimmy snapped. "Sara loves like nothin' I've ever seen. Maybe if you told her it might make it easier for you to move on."

"Move on Jimmy how the hell am I supposed to move on? It might have been years ago but my mother was killed that pain will never go away." Buck yelled.

"I know that Buck," Jimmy replied cooly, but maybe just maybe if you let Sara love you the way she wants too it might make your past a little easier to deal with." Jimmy finished and was silent while Buck soaked in his friend's words.

Several minutes later came Buck's simple reply. "You're right, but I need to get myself pulled together before I see her again. I'll go over to Rachel's tomorrow night and take her out to dinner then I'll bring her home."

"And you'll tell her about your nightmare right?" Jimmy put in with a small nod of encouragement in Buck's direction.

"I'll tell her." Buck said making no attempt to keep the sadness he was feeling from coming out through his words.

Later that night feeling much better after a bath and a hot meal, Buck climbed in bed thankful tonight would be the last night he would sleep alone for a long time to come. Sara had been gone for a week and even through he knew exactly where she was as Buck drifted off to sleep he couldn't help thinking about how much he missed his wife and how badly he wanted home. 'Tomorrow' was the last thought Buck had before the welcome blanket of sleep gently placed itself over him.

Buck would have sworn he just fell asleep when there was a very persistent pounding at the door. He jumped out of bed and was trying to slow his racing heart as he ran down the stairs. Grabbing the door Buck flung it open ready to pounce whoever had disturbed his first peaceful nights sleep in more then a week. All that changed the minute he met the eyes of a very white faced obviously very worried Teaspoon.

"Teaspoon, What's wrong?" Buck's voice had become laced with worry as he awaited an answer from the still breathless older man in front of him.

"It's Sara she's taken sick an' Rachel sent me after you." Teaspoon's words came out in such a rush it took a moment for Buck to grasp what he had just been told.

"Sara? What's wrong with - - -?"

Teaspoon cut him off "I don't know son. Rachel said she's bleedin' she sent me after you and Jimmy after Doc Taylor. Now lets go." Teaspoon finished and headed out the door.

Buck was right on his heels, trying almost unsuccessfully to fight back the wave of sickness that had invaded his body. No matter how hard and fast Buck rode Warrior he felt as if he couldn't reach Sara fast enough. When finally he did reach Rachel's house he nearly broke the front door down trying to get to Sara's side.

Once inside Buck was met by a very sad faced Doc Taylor. "I'm sorry Buck but there was nothing I could do." Was all the man said.

"Sorry, what why? Where's Sara?" Buck pleaded unable to keep the fear out of his voice.

"In the bedroom Rachel and Lou are with her," Teaspoon whispered as he placed a hand on the Kiowa's shaking shoulders.

Almost not hearing the words of the man he had come to consider a father Buck went straight to the bedroom calling Sara's name as he went. "Sara" He mumbled as he pushed the door open and saw his wife sobbing uncontrollably in Rachel's arms.

Buck ran to her side. "Sara What's wrong what's happened?"

Hearing her husband's voice Sara slowly raised her head and moved away from Rachel and Lou who were seated on the other side of the bed beside her. She threw herself into Buck's waiting arms as a fresh flood a tears came from her eyes.

"Buck I'm so sorry I'm so sorry." Sara breathed against his chest in between sobs.

"Shh Sara whatever it is it will be ok I'm here now." Buck whispered against her sweat damp blonde hair as he tried to keep his own tears from flowing. Gently raising her head so he could see her eyes he asked again, "Sara please tell me what's happened."

Sara gently wiped her tears away and she could clearly see the love Buck had for her shining from his chocolate colored eyes. Drawing a deep breath Sara spoke slowly and not above a whisper. "Buck I lost - - ." she couldn't say the words.

"What Sara?" Buck prodded gently.

"I lost a baby Buck. Our baby. I'm sorry my love." Sara finished in a breathless heap as a new onset of tears shook her body.

Buck was in shock and simply held Sara more tightly to his body and allowed her to cry. Several minutes passed everyone had left the room giving husband and wife some much needed private time and Sara became quiet. Sensing this Buck ever so gently raised her face to his once more.

"Our baby?" Buck repeated as if still trying to understand Sara's words. "You were pregnant. Why didn't you tell me?" Buck asked trying desperately to keep the hurt out of his voice.

"I tried Buck the last time we made love but when I looked up you were asleep. I didn't have the heart to wake you, then when I woke up you were gone and I got angry because I know you have been fighting your own battle lately and you won't let me help. That's when I talked to Rachel about staying here for a while. I wanted to tell you Buck honest I did but then I started bleeding and Rachel made me stay here in bed. Rachel said she thought the bleeding might stop and I was going to come home and tell you about our baby. But the bleeding didn't stop and I lost our child just before you got here. I'm sorry Buck. I know it's all my fault I can only pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

As Sara finished she looked at Buck and waited for him to respond while praying with all of her being the Buck could indeed forgive her. She had no idea what she would do if he couldn't but how could she blame him after she chose not to tell him about his child and now there was no child to speak of.

Buck meanwhile sat motionless just sraring at the teary eyed woman in front of him. Several dreadful minutes passed until Sara could not stand the cold silence that had fallen over the room. "Buck please say something." She begged. "Yell at me, tell me you hate me, tell me you don't, just say something."

Buck blinked rapidly as he began to recover from his state of shock. "I love you Sara." He managed to whisper. It's not your fault our baby is gone, it's mine." Buck finished and gave up his fight not to cry.

Sara simply took him in her arms and returned the comfort and support Buck had given her just a short time ago. When his tears had slowed a bit Sara spoke softly against the silkiness of his hair. "Buck, how is any of this your fault?" She questioned.

"Maybe if I had told you what was bothering me you wouldn't have been worried and maybe you wouldn't have lost our baby." Buck said as he wiped away a tear that slid down his cheek.

"Oh Buck" Sara said sadly. "You can tell me now if you want to I mean."

"I do." Buck said as he drew a deep breath. "Sara tomorrow is the anniversary of my mother's death."

"Oh Buck I'm so sorry how did she die?" Sara broke in.

"Well," Buck began again "I had been living with my Kiowa brothers for 14 summers and as tradition states my brother Red Bear took me out on my first hunting party along with the other braves my age and their fathers." There was a knock on the bedroom door and Buck paused briefly. "Come in."

Rachel stepped into the room and spoke softly. "Doc Taylor says Sara can't leave until tomorrow. So it looks like you two love birds are stuck here for the night." Rachel then gave the silent pair a warm smile and quickly left the room closing the door behind her.

Both Sara and Buck accepted that they weren't going home tonight and Buck settled himself more comfortably beside Sara and taking her hand in his continued to tell her the nightmarish story of his mother's death.

"Anyway while we were out hunting our camp was attacked by a group of Calvary all the women a children were slaughtered my mother of course was among them. By the time we returned to camp most everyone had already went to the spirit world. When I found my mother she was still alive. She said she could not travel to the spirit world without speaking to me first."

Buck stopped and drew a deep breath and made no attempt to stop the sudden rush of tears that flowed from his eyes. Seeing the sudden change in her husband Sara instantly wrapped her arms around him. Buck responded by burying his face in the blonde silk mass of hair that fell over her shoulder. Several minutes passed. Buck remained in Sara's embrace and his tears continued to fall into her hair as he drew a shaky breath and began his story once more.

"As I knelt beside my mother she whispered my name." Buck closed his eyes as the painful memory of that day flooded his mind.

*FLASHBACK*

"Running Buck my son I feared you would not return to me before the spirits came to claim my soul.

"I'm here mother." Running Buck whispered against his mother's tear stained cheeks.

"I do not wish to be in the spirit world alone my son I am afraid."

Running Buck did not know what to say to this so he made the only promise he could think of. "Someday you will not be alone and you will find peace. I promise."

As Evening Dove drew her last breaths she said "Running Buck my son I do not wish to leave you but you must be strong. Remember who you be proud of your Kiowa blood as well as your white man's Because you are my son and I love you. If you ever wish to speak to me just close your eyes and you will find me in your dreams. Good bye my son."

*PRESENT*

As Buck opened his eyes he saw the sheen of unshed tears in Sara's eyes. "Go on." She whispered as she brushed the back of her hand across her eyes to stop her tears.

"After she died I left my Kiowa brothers to live in the white world and every time the anniversary of my mother's death draws near I am haunted by her last words. She comes to me in my dreams saying that she is afraid to be alone and begs me to help her. I just don't know how." Stopping once more Buck wiped his hand across his eyes as if trying to fight back exhaustion.

Starting again Buck said, "I guess I have dealt with the nightmares alone for so long I just never thought of telling anyone. I'm so sorry Sara. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Of course I can Buck I love you. But please when something upsets tell me that's what I'm here for."

"I will, I love you too Sara."

*~* *~* *~* *~* *~*

The following evening Doc Taylor said Sara could go home as long as she rested for a few days. So after sharing a quiet dinner with Rachel and Teaspoon Buck and Sara headed home. As the couple slipped into bed together for the first time in more then a week, each felt a strange sense of peace wash over them as they fell asleep each in the others arms.

Sometime in the middle of the night the dream came to Buck again but this time something was different opening his eyes he looked over and saw that Sara was sleeping peacefully. But instead of leaving his bed as he had become accustomed to doing Buck reached over and shook Sara gently to wake her.

"Sara Sara darlin' wake up I need to tell you somethin'."

"Huh oh Buck what is it what's wrong?" Sara asked worriedly wiping sleep from her eyes.

"The dream Sara I had the dream again but something was different."

"What?" Sara asked surprised.

"Our baby Little Dove, She was with my mother and my mother wasn't alone anymore." Thank you."

"Little Dove." Sara smiled as she said the name that now belonged to their child.

Buck smiled in reply and kissed Sara gently "They have both found peace now and they will live on in our hearts forever." Buck said as Sara laid a gentle hand over his heart.

Both drifted off to sleep with tears and their eyes both for Buck's mother and for their child the daughter they would never really know.