And if that offends you, you really should lighten up. Ask one, they'll tell you. "Yes yes, masses, The Houstoner is back in a big way, either by popular demand of the fact that we still haven't grown up and gotten real jobs. There's just too many numbers anymore! So, yes! We're sticking around for a while. Not only that, but we want YOU to be a part of the action, too. If you or someone you love would like to join the staff here at The Houstoner, we would love to have you. That is, we'd love to have you IF you bring the funny (and a six pack of beer). To this end, we will begin the GREAT HOUSTONER WRITE-OFF. Those interested can submit articles or writings or promises for sexual favors (we are not above bribery) by writing into thehoustoner@hotmail.com you don't have to send us articles yet. Just write in and express your interest. You will receive further instructions when (and I mean WHEN) you do so. Find the child! Save Tir Asleen from Bavmorda and the Nockmaarn!
-Editor in Chief RP McMurphy
ONLY TWO DIE AT BELVIN THIS WEEK
Called "Great Achievement by Aramark Staff
There was an air of pride and excitement today at Belvin Cafeteria, SHSU's finest (and only) meal plan dining facility on campus. Students were greeted with a feeling of joy that pervaded from the cashier to the pasta bar. Al the Aramark foodservice employees were wearing smiles from ear to ear - and for good reason.
The official Food and Health Administration Body Count came in for Belvin cafeteria this week showing only two casualties. This makes last week the least lethal of any week in the history of Belvin since its inception in 1974 when it was two cardboard boxes and a leftover soufflé.
"We're very proud of this great achievement," said Chief Cuisine Coordinator Hannibal Dahmer, "Our policy here at Belvin has always been 'Make food as cheaply as possible with all other considerations secondary.' I think it's very encouraging to see that, given the ingredients we make the food with, the result isn't always poisonous."
The good news couldn't have come at a better time for Belvin cafeteria. It's a welcome change of image from the infamous week of October 10, 2003, in which one single entree claimed over two dozen lives in one week. The entree, entitled, "Hey, This is Basically the Same Thing as Sushi," was promptly removed from the menu and replaced with "Mac and Cheese Surprise." When asked what the surprise was an Aramark official responded, "It used to be yogurt."
"I's just happy what fer all get out," commented underground Aramark lackey John Cromagnon, "Sure I just put the monkeys in the grinder, but I never won me no award." All John's fellow employees seem to share this sense of accomplishment.
Statistical analyst David Martin had this to say: "My soul is an empty pit. I am only waiting to die." More on topic, he continued: "There are several factors that contribute to this achievement - First of all the new food court opened where parking used to be. This gives students the opportunity to spend more of their parents' money on corporate food that will kill them only slightly more slowly. Second - the process of evolution is balancing itself, and students are building natural immunities to foods that would have slain many of their ancestors. Third - life is defined by pain and any god who exists must be a cruel one."
Thoughts are now turning to the future of this establishment. What lies ahead? "Well, I'd say the body count will be back to normal next week. I chalk this up to a fluke," said Hannibal Dahmer, "Making food isn't an exact science, you see. It's hard to know just what you'll wind up with when you don't label any of your ingredients. We have such a hard time keeping the sauces separate from the cleaning solvents. The smell exactly the same."
-- RP McMurphy
SAM TO FEATURE TOMFOOLERY DEGREE
The art of choosing a major can be an elusive one. for many, college is the next logical step after high school. Students seek higher education with no particular career track in mind; the just want to go to school.
This results in some students changing their majors several dozen times before they finally settle on a degree in English that probably won't help them in their careers anyway and my parents keep complaining that I'm not doing anything with my life. Which is not true! Video games are something! Drinking is something! I'm going to college with my life!
-- Continued on Next Page