8) If you accidentally have kids, never recite that gay "step on a crack, break your mother's back" rhyme.
9) If your kid starts reciting the "step on a crack, break yada yada yada" beat the snot out of it and tell it "It was for your own good."
10) I've left the best for last: THE TOILET PAPER GOES OVER ON THE ROLLER, NOT UNDER!!!! Clockwise, not counter clockwise! If you do it the other way, you can't fold it into a V!
So remember to be sensitive to an OCD loon, or watch them skitter around frantically. AND GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF THAT CD! -- T. Vercetti
The SuperBowl: A Retrospective
Another SuperBowl has come and gone and this year some humans beat some ferocious mountain cats, but what really matters is how we as Huntsvillians faired financially in regard to the super shenanigans.
We here at the Houstoner went around town to some of the local businesses to see how they prepared for the SuperBowl rush. Alice Trevslofsky at the Baker Motel had this to say in response to our inquiries, "it was quiet here except someone took a shit in the ice machine... can I say shit in the Houstonian?" I think told Alice that we were with The Houstoner and she hit me in the face with a shovel. Fancy that.
We then questioned Habib at the Huntsville food mart #1 and he yelled, "Black people steal." So it seems that another SuperBowl has gone by without a serious payoff for Huntsville. The question is: what more can we do to bring the SuperBowl to Huntsville? Houston has had two in the last thirty years; New Orleans has had the other 36. I think we are truly next in line, with the amazing facilities and strong traditions here in Huntsville. Huntsville is seriously in the "Hunt" for the big game and some big profits. -- M. Thatcher
Romeo Must Die
Ah, there's nothing like good ole' Bill Shakespeare. Recently, I went to see Romeo and Juliet at the Sam Houston Theater and it was... A three-hour gay joke? The play was more packed full of fudge than an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. All gayness aside, it was the most lukewarm rendition of R & J I've ever seen.
The biggest problem of the play wasn't the queer-factor. The largest problem was the lack of emotions. Don't get me wrong, none of the performances were flat but Lord Capulet (Paul Copenhaver), Romeo (Dave Kenner) and Juliet (Cadien Dumas) were apathetic and failed to shed tears or react hysterically when loved-one's died (including each other). However, Lady Capulet (Jen Dyer, not to be confused with the troll Jen Gilbert), Lord Montague (Matt Radcliff), Nurse Ratchet (Sarah Ripper), Benvolio (Kevin Crouch), Reallygayflamboyantguy (Spencer Plachy or the lead singer from The Darkness) and especially Friar Tuck (Matt Tompkins) did excellent jobs and carried the show. Oh, I forgot to mention, random dude #3 (James Lane) was good but too damn quiet and Tybalt (Josh Amyx) scared me.
I think I've gotten away from the main point: It was gay. Queer as a football-bat. Fruitier than a nut-cake. Flaming as biscuits and gravy. The men all wore tights and had sex with each other. Nearly everyone had a lisp and limp-wrists; especially the king of town (Wesley Fruge). While the gay factor might work in some shows (The Last Temptation of Christ, The Godfather, Scooby Doo and Pulp Fiction), it lent little to the adaptation of Shakespeare's timeless play (which was set in boring cliché 17th century Italy)... (I would have done it post-apocalyptic 20X6 with lightsabers)
If you spent 8 bucks on Not About Nightingales (the best show SHSU Theater has ever done; it was like an episode of HBO's OZ) then you got your moneys worth. If you spent 8 bucks on Romeo and Juliet and you're heterosexual, you probably went home and curled up into the fetal position and cried yourself to sleep. Or drank half a bottle of McCormic's Shitty. That's what I did.
-- T. Vercetti
TATOOS: AN ETERNAL REMINDER THAT YOU GOT DRUNK ONE NIGHT
Okay people, let's talk about tattoos. I used to say that I was anti-tattoo, simply because I didn't think people could sum up what they wanted to say to the world for all time with a cute little Chinese symbol or a picture of Taz. But now that I've been around college for a while, my stance has lightened. You really can't get through college without a few permanent marks on your body that testify to how badly you wanted to be cool. (Lighter burns, cat-fight scars and Hepatitis C all fall into this category)
The problem with tattoos today is the sheer lack of creativity that goes into their creation. Everyone gets the same thing. Aren't tattoos supposed to make you different? I swear, the next time a girl says, "You wanna see my tattoo?" with a lusty gleam in her eye, and then pulls her waist-band down a little to reveal ANOTHER cute little butterfly on her thigh, I am going to get a fly-swatter and smack it. -- back / next