The Ideal Woman

That's the girl I've been telling you about

She's been raining in my head like a pouring storm

Her smile is like the sun and my whole world revolves around her

Like a soul in the wind I've been lost since the day I found her

What I'd give to be everything she needs like the air around her

Got my arms open wide wish she knew they belong around her

-         Blessid Unions of Soul, That’s the Girl I’ve Been Telling You About

            The idea for the Ideal Woman came upon me after having many a conversation with one of my best friends, when he would often tell me what his ideal woman was. I will not repeat his list of qualities and traits for you here, for…well, he’s not that special, that’s why. But! The idea of putting together the Ideal Woman is a fascinating one for me, considering in the past I never had one constructed in my head. I just knew what I liked, what I didn’t like, what I loved, and what I loathed. So, here it is, dear reader, the Ideal Woman:

            I will not find my Ideal Woman, to begin with. She will find me. She will descend from the heavens, with a copy of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell in one hand and a plate of the tastiest, toasted sammiches from Quiznos in the other hand.

            I will supply the Doctor Pepper.

            The Ideal Woman will be, in a word, Stunning.

In two words, Absolutely Gorgeous.

When one looks at her, one does not think of a girl, one thinks of a woman in full-bloom, a woman who is experiencing the prime of her life, and that prime will last a long, long, long time. She will be the Girl Next Door, Caring Girlfriend, and Wanton Sex Goddess at will, and maybe even All at Once.

The Ideal Woman will be a devastatingly perky 34C, hips that were made for pumping out twins somewhat comfortably, and Vida Guerra’s ass lovingly molded on.

But, better!

She will have one of those womanly pooches that she says she wishes to get rid of and works hard at it, but we both know that in the end, it makes her look all the sexier. Her legs will be thick, however, in a muscular sense. Legs that wrap around your head, or your waist and can crush you to death, but Goddamn what a way to go, yes? Legs that make you go and look to see the ass they’re making of themselves, legs that lead all the way up to heaven.

The Ideal Woman will also be short enough so that I can make fun of her height whenever I feel like it, and she shall punch me in the arm and tell me to shut up, even as she’s laughing along.

The Ideal Woman will have a sense of humor. She will love to laugh, and have a good time, and does not depend on a single soul in the world for this to happen, but she will find me great company for I will make her do what she loves, as she does the same for me, too.

She, too, will also love Monty Python, for the record.

The Ideal Woman and I shall be compatible with our views of religion, politics, and exes. That doesn’t mean we should share the exact same views, because… well, let’s face it folks, making agreeable noises does not a fun conversation make all the time. I will learn plenty from her, and she will learn plenty of me, and if we get into heated debates, we will have the Awesomely Spectacular Make-Up Sex.

The Ideal Woman may start up such heated debates just for the Make-Up Sex.

I know I will.

The Ideal Woman will be fully in touch with herself and her sexuality. She will know exactly what she likes – more importantly, she will know exactly what she doesn’t. She will know that my telepathy does not work upon her, and she will be open and communicate with me her needs and wants.

She will also watch as much, or more, porn than I do.

She will also not expect me to fuck her in the pogo position on a regular basis, because she finds it as laughable and potentially painful as I do.

The Ideal Woman will be intelligent. Not because that’s what the Ideal Mother-In-Law has told her, but that’s because she is, both in and out of the classroom and workplace. She will be wise - for her age, for her generation, and for herself. She will be a person of admirable integrity, knowing that honesty is the best policy nine times out of ten, and she’ll know exactly when that one time out of ten appears.

The Ideal Woman will not be joined with me to the hip; this is for my benefit as well as hers. For God’s sake, to keep her fine ass Ideal, we’re gonna need breathing space! In her own life, she will be doing something that she loves, finds personally enriching, and beneficial to society as a whole.

And, it won’t involve being an ally of Satan in any way, shape or form.

Well, if she can help it, dammit.

The Ideal Woman will make me sammiches. Not because I tell the woman to do so – even though I will! And, she will laugh, knowing exactly how facetious I’m being and why – but, because she wants to keep me fed and happy, and sammiches are the best way of doing so. She will enjoy my cooking when it is great, and tell me why it sucks when it does.

Then, the Ideal Woman and I will have plenty of sex with plenty of energy to keep each other well entertained, with orgasms aplenty for the both of us; sometimes simultaneous, sometimes not. And, we wouldn’t trade said sex for the world.

The Ideal Woman will be able to get along with my family, and they will love her and tell me that I can stay home, just send her on over for family functions.

I will reply to both she and my family, that that situation works just fine for me, as long as someone sends me a plate when all is said and done.

Most importantly, The Ideal Woman and I, in our moments of severe and crippling weakness, when life seems hard and tough and undeniably unfair, will cling to each other in the dark, holding and holding on to each other to find comfort and strength. We will not need to say anything to each other in those moments, for nothing will need to be said. We will just know, and we will both think to ourselves how undeservedly lucky we both are to find each other.

Oh, and we will spend many a morning waking each other up in the best ways possible.

And, she’ll also be able to show me how to fly.

This is The Ideal Woman.

Does this mean that I’m going to wait for her to pop out of the clouds? No, obviously not. I’m going to be busy looking for better.

I may be a dreamer, but I’m also realist enough to know that, in the end, it’s got nothing to do with looks, or pet peeves, but the feelings we have and experience with one another. I doubt I’ll find my Ideal Woman, word-for-word, but I can still find that certain someone that exceeds my expectations, anyway.

Now, dear reader, I shall leave you with that to think of, and how it can relate to your life, while I go and masturbate to Vida Guerra and her Amazing Ass.

Enjoy!