"Young Man Startled to Find He Has Spelled 'Pro-karyotic' Correctly on First Try"
After MoveOn.org announced their "Vote for Change" tour of swing states several weeks ago, West Virginia was deeply saddened to note that such notable artists like R.E.M., Bruce Springsteen, Pearl Jam, My Morning Jacket, Dave Matthews, and people who suck worse than Dave Mathhews had chosen to avoid West Virginia. Were five votes in the electoral college not worth a Death Cab for Cutie concert?
"I have never heard of Jurassic 5, the hip-hop group for the thinking man," said Eunice Spitzbaugher, 54, of Davis, W.Va. "However, I would attend their concert. Our poor state hasn't had a concert since I was a little girl."
The complete avoidance of this swing state--while bordering states such as Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Kentucky net concerts--Has caused unrest in the citizens here, especially for those who have even heard of emo favorites like Bright Eyes. But today's Yo La Tengo announcement may have tipped the state over the edge into the Bush column.
"Although a lot of people think it was an artistic let-down, I thought [Yo La Tengo's 2003 album] Summer Sun was a great little record," said Darryl Kaufman, an out-of-work truck driver enjoying a beer at the Railsyde bar in Keyser. "Now that Yo La Tengo has chosen to take their minimalist, hipster Jew revival rock to every little state down here but us, I may have to vote against John Kerry. Plus, my wife says he looks funny."
Such sentiments were echoing along the picturesque valleys here Thursday. When Team Kerry looks at what went wrong in Election 2004, they may do well to start here: The shocking refusal of America's premier musicians to play in this tiny mountain state.
-- Morgan Freemason