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| December 31st, 2001 I think it would be best for me if I put down in words an issue that has been bothering me for a few months now. I know it's not healthy to think like this, but I do anyway, so I may as well find a conclusion I'm comfortable with, right? I feel inadequate, inferior, not as righteous, not as strong as people like me who have gone through horrible experiences in their lives. I cannot even begin to weigh myself next to those people. I don't think I'm being very concise here. People who have had terrible life experiences or stumbling blocks in their lives that I have, fortunately, never encountered. Kids who have lost parents, battled diseases, gone through any kind of child abuse, anything along those lines. If those people have come out of those situations, they are amazing. They are better then I am. How can that make any sense? From what I just typed, it would seem like I was jealous of those people, they are better people then I am. I can honestly say that they are better then I. They have had to get through more crap to get to where they are today. What have I had to go through? Slightly over-protective parents, a few typical fights with friends, the occasional identity crisis. Those things are legitimate, but they are so minute next to the other people. They are simply better then I. I wish I could find a way to completely verbalize this thought. I know that 'better' isn't a good word, but it's how I feel. I by no means wish something life shattering had ever occurred to me. But why did life play out this way? They seem to have had a greater opportunity to shine then I have. It's so confusing to me. I think I could add G-d into the picture. I could say that each of us, here on earth, have our own abilities. G-d knows what we can handle, he knows what it takes to challenge us. But then is that saying that the people who went through those things were on a lesser level then me, and therefore had to endure more in order to reach a level that I reached with almost no problems? I cannot be settled with that answer. I am so grateful for my fortunate life, but I still don't think this is fair. Why am I allotted to this great fortune, when others my age have to struggle to get out of bed every morning from the emotional and/or physical pain they endure. Maybe it's useless to figure out these works of the world, but they pop into my head anyway. |