| January 6th, 2002 Last night I was talking to my parents about some little kids that we know, and who I work with as a group leader. My father complimented me, saying he was so proud of me, that I am very smart, and that I really understand people. For that instant, I was elated. But then I start thinking about it. Why was I so satisfied that he paid me that compliment? It is obviously a quality that I really want in myself. The fact that he has noticed that about me doesn’t necessarily make it true. Yes, I want it, but that will only drive me to get to the point. The things I say might not really be what I want them to be. I could be saying them because I know I want to be saying them. That is really a problem of mine. I am not able to be honest with myself. I am never able to think completely straight because once I am settled on something about myself I just challenge it. It's like a mirror-to-mirror effect. When there are two mirrors across from each other, the image just keeps bouncing back and forth, form one to the other, not getting anywhere progressive. That is what I do with most of my self-analysis. I think a thought, or say something, and then I repel it. I have a fight in my head, much like I had in the last paragraph. Do I really understand people, or do I want to enough to make me say things that I know will convey that message to everyone around me but myself??? Yet again, one of the many complexities of me that I have yet to get hold of. I don't think it's something that will change; I think my mind will always work like that. Every time I tell myself: "you are a nice person" I come up with every reason that I'm not really a nice person. That a truly nice person wouldn't pride themselves in their good deeds; that a truly nice person would not to this or that. I would call it perfectionism except for that it's not. It's all in my mind. This rarely drives me to change what I do or how I act, it just stays confined to my mind and my subconscious, I guess. |
 |