forwards

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons;
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get regular days-off, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course
lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife
slices her shot right through the large front window of the
biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the
door, and hear a voice say "Come on in.";

Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken
bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch says, ";Are you
the people who broke the window?"

The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off.
"Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped
in that bottle, and your shot released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of
you one wish, and keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a
year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "It's the least I can do. And
you ma'am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the
wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the
man. "And now for my wish. Becaue I've been trapped in that
bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is
to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well,
we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don't
mind, honey, I don't either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he
ravishes her for three hours. After he's through, the genie
rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old is your
husband anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the
earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I
think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking
problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the
bar.

12. You fall off the floor...

13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw
dinner!

15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the
bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and women.

21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more
and more attractive.

22. Roseanne looks good.

23. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they
walk past you.

26. I'm as jober as a sudge.

27. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

28. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO in the middle of the
night.

10. Don't be daft. How dangerous can a snake be? They haven't even got
any legs! Ha ha ha! Stupid snakes! Ha ha... ow!
9. And you swear on your life that this belt is 100% bullet-proof?
8. What was that you said about a combine harvester? I can't hear you
over that awful, engine-like droning and chopping noise.
7.Pfah! Real men don't need to cook chicken before eating it.
6.Trust me - the only way I can get rid of this toothache is for you
      to drive the truck into my head at full speed.
5. Gorillas are basically just big monkeys. Look at his face - he loves
     me poking him with this broom!
4.Don't worry, everyone - I'll smother the flames with my massive beard.
3. Don't tell me what to do, you interfering old bag. If I want to hit
     the plane's window with the heel of my shoe - I will.
2. That's not a shark. It's a dolphin. Come on - would a shark let me
      do... THIS?!
1. It's a whole new way of performing acupuncture. Instead of lots of
     little needles, I just shove this one massive spike into my abdomen.
     Watch...

10. Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
9. Biting into an apple, and choking to death.
8. Biting into an apple, and remembering you're allergic to apples, and
then your face swells up and you go blind.
7. Biting into an apple, and getting your legs shot off by the owner
of the orchard.
6. Biting into an apple, and breaking all your teeth because it isn't
an apple, but a coconut.
5. Biting into an apple, and suffering temporary full body paralysis.
4. Biting into an apple, the noise of which startles a nearby flock of
crows, which swoop down and violently peck at your face and hands.
3. Biting into an apple, and suffering terrible pangs of guilt because,
y'know, what if apples can feel pain, man?
2. Biting into an apple while listening to country music.
1. Being beaten senseless with an iron pipe, before being anally violated
by a gang of 20 mournful and gin-soaked dockworkers.

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples
to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problemall
over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion
that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the
drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was
therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return
to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is
effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to
heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, greets the disciples:
Who is it?
It's Paul
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring Paul?
Hashish from Morocco
Very well son, come in.
Who is it?
It's Mark
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring Mark?
Marijuana from Colombia
Very well son, come in.
Who is it?
It's Matthew
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring Matthew ?
Cocaine from Bolivia
Very well son, come in.
Who is it?
It's John
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring John ?
Crack from New York
Very well son, come in.
Who is it?
It's Luke
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring Luke ?
Speed from Amsterdam
Very well son, come in.
Who is it?
It's Judas
Jesus opens the door.
What did you bring Judas ?....