The PooRe PoeT, misconcieved poetry, love, sadness and my life

Updates and Journal Are in the Below Text Box

"Eventually the destructive path you find yourself on comes to a screeching halt and all your past poachers come tumbling on top of you." ~Natalia Sala, in reference to her past.

I'm moving on to bigger and better things-Everynight that I lay my head down to sleep, life looks better-Underneath the old comforter I use, I am never afraid to face the demons that may taunt me in my sleep. Some of you may spend your time worrying about the past-some of you may spend your time dwelling on the future-the present is mine, now.

"This toxin is my therapy, I've given up on traditional means. Doing something means trying in vain and doing nothing means a life of misery.

I've fallen into the trap they set. Too smart for the world, to dumb for society. This system we have is flawed. Sit back and light a smoke as the pills begin to take effect."
~Keith McQuarrie in his Xanga journal on the journey that is life.

"So this is how we all die, to thunderous applause?"
~Padame, Star Wars Episode 3: The Revenge of The Sith



					Added Poems: Losing Compassion (6-12) Overture And Hymn (6-12) Once For All (6-12) Other Than Darwinism (6-12) I Thank God That I Am Alive (4-27) Comfort In Fate (4-27) 5 Minute Check-Up (4-27) Blankness (4-27) A Letter To Jessica Taylor (4-27) On President Bush (4-24) Invictus (4-22) Reality Lacks Simplicity (4-22) Losing In Snow (4-22) Blue (4-19) To Burn: To Lose (4-18) The End Of April, An Angry God (4-14)

	11-14-2005: I updated my entrance picture, the new photo is of Jessica Earley's gravesite Christmas 2003. I seriously miss her tremendously. I am at another crossroad in my life now. Alcohol doesn't hold me anymore and I am so happy. I will have to update this again someday. Much has happened in my life since the last time that I did. I don't really get that many random visitors anymore. I wished I did. It has been almost a year since the last time anyone signed my guestbook. I do not think\ that it is full. I have to add some new poetry soon. I have been doing a lot of writing...much of it for the newspaper at Western Carolina University and for class...does anyone still read this page? Let me know. Please. 8-15-2005: Old dreams never die do they? That new main picture is the only picture I have surviving of Melanie Johnson and I, a fine young lady for whom many of my poems have been dedicated to. If only I could have treated her as kindly as she treated me, my entire life may be different today. Thats right, old dreams never die, just reemerge in a new form. Well, recently, I have not been updating nearly as much mainly because of my job and because I have been concentrating on school and on my Allpoetry profile. The current contest I am running has about 80 entries and seems to be doing really well. I encourage everyone to go join at WWW.ALLPOETRY.COM. And if you people are reading this, leave me a comment or sign my guestbook, its been awhile!. 7-28-2005: Another really long time since I last updated the site. I added a little bit of something to it tonight. A work in progress entitled: "The Bringer Of Justice." A poem I have been working on for a long time and I finally decided to experiment with a banner for it. Click on the above link to read the poem. It is really good, a really interesting slice of my personal reality. Also read the "Rants" section, I finally updated it again. Check back soon, I should be updating more often than I have in recent months. I have been finding myself. Again. 7-6-2005: Another long break in updating. 6-12-2005: So I ended up adding 4 poems, listed in the added poems form box above...they are all pretty good, but of an older quality. Should be a pleasure to read...comments are nice. Been talking to someone that is really interesting lately. I haven't really updated this site in quite some time...I don't really know what to add. However, I have created a website for some of my photos - and I know what is going to happen...it will get lots of hits since it is a photographic site and that I will exceeded my allocated bandwidth limit imposed by geocities...sucks...oh well, still trying to keep my balance. I have found of late that that has been really hard. I may do poorly at my upcoming visit with Jamie. I hope not. Work has been going much better. Check the updated poems scrollbox above for added works. Also, I finally gave up on the "Britney" link on my page. She doesn't talk to me anymore, nor was I able ever to convince her to give me any poetry. Oh well. 5-31-2005: Been approximately one month since I updated anything on the site. I have been trying to get hits by posting on web poetry sites and by word of mouth. Nothing seems to be working adequately. Natalia and I are becoming friends again more quickly than I ever though possible. I really haven't been having a problem with wanting to drink lately. I am eating more and things should be going awesome. I was also readmitted to WCU for the Fall semester, which I am looking forward too. The job has been mostly going well...if anyone I know reads this...leave me a message or something...lets get something going with this site. I am going to go add some poems and stuff now. 5-3-2005: I have had writers bloc lately. I added a link to Poetry.net on the main page above...please click on it so that I will get more hits.. and my site will be ranked higher on Poetry.net...which means even more hits for me...I love people to read my poetry...wished I had more feedback though...anyway...I will update with more poetry soon. Has anyone liked any of the new stuff? Let me know. 4-27-2005: Fixed the "Numberically Titled" poems page. I added a massive update of 5 poems today. They are all classic poems, considering that I haven't really turned out many new poems in the last week. Look in the updated poems text box above to find the titles for the new poems, rather I will just list them to make things easier. "Comfort In Fate, A Letter To Jessica Taylor, 5 Minute Check-Up, Blankness, and I Thank God That I Am Alive." Go to the corresponding letter pages to read these new poems. Life has been going pretty steadily lately, nothing really exciting has happened and I have not found myself in trouble at work. Along with that relative boredom I have found that Natalia and I will never work out again, nor will we ever be close friends. I suppose that the rift that was created was just to wide to be healed completely. I guess that is okay though. I still am not getting as many hits as I would like, if I could just get the level up to about 10-15 a day, I would happy with that. For the time being I guess I have to plug along and wait. Please give me some feedback. 4-24-2005: Lately I have been feeling my bullshit meter fill higher and higher. I almost cannot put up with the shit at work anymore. The pettiness of all the fighting and bullshit politics is making me sick and driving me crazy all at the same time. Rather, I need to refill my Lithium so that I can handle things...then I think everything will be alright. I feel like a live wire ready to snap, although my external emotional appearance seems alright. I cannot bring myself to smile and laugh at stupidities no matter how much I tell my mind too. I have to see Dr. Lawrence soon before I end up doing something that messes up my future even more. Speaking of the future, what about our country? I wrote a little poem called... "On President Bush," which is added to the O page. This is all I really have for now, except that Natalia went and say The Amityville Horror without me...thanks Natalia, for taking that last little bit of holding on I had with you. 4-22-2005: Getting better and better at Literati. Natalia invited me to come enjoy Smores with her and Chrissy tonight, but I could not go because I am yet to be sure that her parents won't try to hurt me. LOL. I added three more new poems..."Invictus, Reality Lacks Simplicity, and Losing In Snow." They can be found on the respective letter pages. (Ex.. Reality Lacks Simplicity would be found on the "R" page). I have to work tommorrow and I am not really looking forward to it, I spent alot of the day cleaning up my trailer, it makes me feel better about myself. I sure wished I had a girlfriend now, I think I may finally be able to focus my energy on something positive besides drinking...(negative) I have been feeling a lot more artsy and poetically inclined lately. My friends have been great too me, special love to Carla Ramsey...that is one awesome woman. 4-20-2005: Added another new poem, "Several Years After." Its a different kind of poem but I like it. Sitting and talking to Megan for the first time in a long time...shes gorgeous in and out. Guess it may have taken divorcing my "wife" beer to learn some of the stuff I have recently. I hope you guys like this new poem, I should add a couple more tommorrow. The new layout makes it really easy for me to update with writing very routinely...for now...I shall sleep. 4-19-2005: Best day I've had at work in a some time. Added another poem, "BLUE" which can be found, of course, on the B page of poems. I will probably add one more tonight, or maybe not...dying my hair again to try and get it back to blond...the wonderful blond I love so dearly. More tommorrow. 4-18-2005: Natalia and I made peace once more, sometimes we just keep going back and forth and it hurts, God how I wished she could just love me again and I could lighten up just a bit about some things in the world. We are cute together and we get along so well. Truth is, when we don't talk I feel wierd and I just don't really understand- she seems to be the "good" part of my spirit, whenever I don't talk to her bad things seem to happen but when I do....like yesterday was an absolutely awesome day. Anyway, I had a wonderful visit with my mother and decided to add another poem... "TO BURN: TO LOSE" which can be found on the "T" pages. I've really got to find the time to sit down and list this site with other places. And connect to them so that I can get people warmed up to the idea of my poetry. Its all good...time for work my friends...enjoy reading and leave something for me in the guestbook. 4-14-2005: I finished updating the Links section, and added two more new links. I also updated the RANTS section, so click on the link and read about what I want to bitch over. Please check out the new poems and leave me something in the guestbook, I love feedback. Wow, so I found out that my brother and sister had both visited my site and wanted me to post some new poems. I added "The End of April" and "An Angry God" to the respect A and T pages. Please go ahead and read them, they are both Very good. Still in the process of completing the entire update on the site. All of my links work but several pages contain little or nothing of any interest. Work has been going better, Natalia decided she wanted to begin making snide comments towards me in the breakroom and I let the proper people know, whereas she then confronted me at the front of the store while I was working; cussing me and keeping me from doing my job. It is so sad that it came to this, yet I will keep her quote on my page. I have no anger inside towards her but she needs to leave me alone now. The stake has been driven and nothing can pull it free. She says I need to let go and I am well aware there are too sides to every story, but I believe she is the one that needs to practice that letting go clause..I hope everyone enjoys the new site layout. I will be updating more this evening (hopefully) after I get the tires on my scooter changed....Odometer stands at 7,525.4 miles. 4-7-2005: I was sitting and thinking today, why do I always classify my procrastination as a lack of ambition to succeed? I rethought the method to coming to that conclusion, maybe I have too much ambition and so little patience to wait for success to come my way. Almost so much that I do not want to do the work required of me to succeed. I need to go to another alcohol class soon or else my probation lady will be calling me. My job seems to be going a little better, I am probably the most embattled CSM at Wal-Mart; there is always some sort of constroversy surrounding me. So I think I will hunker down and run away from Literati and finish this site today. Hopefully, everything will be up and running by the end of the evening and I can find some new places to list it on. I really need the traffic. 3-19-2005: I finished adding and linking all of the T poems, only about 20 more left to add and I will have all of the old poems readded and I can started adding the newer poems..I believe the graphics may have to be in a slightly different color, to attract more attention. So far, I have had only three broken linked poems...after all this, I am going to link Brittney's poems to her page and finish updating the other variously scattered pages of my site. Time for bed... Leave me something. 3-18-2005: It is taking a bit longer to finish updating than what I thought it would when I started. That is okay... I think Natalia and I are finished and now I can concentrate on writing and doing things that I really enjoy. I love working on this site, althought I wished I had a regular crowd of viewer's; it would inspire me to write more poetry and put it on here. I hope the new poems menu isn't hard to navigate...the page of T titled poems is going to probably stretch into two pages. 3-11-2005: Well I am back from court...300 fine, 4 years of supervised probation and 3 days in jail...which I've already served...Time to finish the updating to the site.. I am just as addicted to Literati now as I was before I went into the jail. I am waiting to see if Natalia calls me today, I'd really like to spend the evening with her. More later..if she doesn't call then I am going to call her and set something up...and finish the updates.. Then its off to try and have the site listed in many places...actually putting the time and effort into it. 3-7-2005: I am not sure what is going to happen at court today. It is currently 7:02 am and soon I will have to prepare myself to leave. I have finished most of Brittney's Archive section...added the pictures and some stuff about her...Sections A-D of my previously posted poems are back up...after court I should be able to work on them a bit before Natalia comes over to spend the night. I love her. Things are quite confusing at times, but I know she is someone that I would marry sometime in the future. As for the sites, the updates will come unless the judge finds my aggravating factors to outweigh the good I have done recently in fighting my alcoholism...if he does, I will be in jail for two days. Well off to prepare...check in later. 3-3-2005: Well Natalia and I are finished...whatever was there is dead. I think that I am going to do something different with my life though and try and remain friends with her. It is sad that we had so much going for one another but that it cannot still be real. So I guess I will devote most of the rest of the time I have left to making this website awesome! I have made extensive changes to the layout-individual sections for alphabetized poetry. All poems will be in those sections. I intend to update and change every individual section to match the new layout and color scheme, along with pertinant updated information. 3-2-2005: I've decided what I am going to do with my site...again- another complete overhaul...I like to redo it, only I am going to spend like the entire day trying to make it interesting along with getting my link out to other poetry sites...so I can get some hits and stuff...I'll probably even add some poetry...and include some new links...hopefully I will get some hits...and generate some interest. I could always put a few nude girls up...then everyone would view..haha 3-1-2005: What is it now, 2 years that I've had this little box up? Almost exactly two years-traffic too my site fluctuates. I am always more concerned with other things rather than putting my all into it. I wonder what it would be like if I did give everything I have into making something productive and interesting? I suppose that people on the Net would view if I had pictures of hot girls on here, but unfortunately, I have neither the ways nor the money to attract those girls. LOL...it would be fun to be a photographer and take pictures of people and put on here. Or maybe, maybe, if I would pay someone to host it..and give me the right tools for creating a megalopolis....it would be cool. I guess I am more interested in real social interaction. Its so hard to find when you live alone and have dreams of being so much more. I don't know that those dreams will ever come true. I thought maybe Natalia was going to be a ticket...and happiness, but she seems to care more about herself then anything else...thats okay-you have to do that too really be able to care for someone, but sometimes its too much. I suppose I will add more poems today...some pictures maybe and try to find ways of promoting it, but I always seem to lose interest in what I am doing, maybe I AM ADHD...I wished I could see Natalia though. Its been a few days. 2-27-2005: I don't really know what to do about this site. I would like to update it into a paid site, where I could have fancy graphics and all, but right now I do not have the money, nor the motivation to continously add and update. 2-18-2005: I sit and dream of the ways that I can update this website to attract more visitors. I listen to Natalia talk to her uncle and wonder what she had in mind when she told me that I couldn't smoke pot. Then she went and done it, but thats okay. Rehab was an interesting experience for me and I will never forget the things I have learned there. It will happen...sobriety is peace. May I now find the part of fulfillment. It may take time and patience. I am happy though. 1-17-2005: I have never been as happy as I am now. I don't really know how to react or to respond, but with a smile...Natalia is awesome.. Tonight is the last night I will ever touch a beer again. I hate beer. I hate feeling confined and restrained from being who I am by the goddamn alcohol. Sure, people will laugh at that, but let them have an addiction......just let them have one of those and they will not be saying the same thing afterward... I feel sometimes that I have wasted more of my life on drinking then on anything else. For Natalia......I love you, I can't help but say it, we have shared so much.. you make me wanna act like a high school kid again (GOOD WAY) Its different......how I feel is different with you. I do love you and I can say it and mean it. Guys that view my site girls also......just wait for my first book, I should have it out soon...Its going to be awesome. 1-11-2005: Today was a great day, I had a lot of fun at Natalia's eating dinner with her parents and stuff and spending time with her. Spending time with her is always great...I don't like being apart from her, because I know that we both still have a lot to learn about one another. Tonight, I hope I didn't hurt her that badly, I was too brash about my opinion and I didn't respect her opinion enough. I said sorry...and I feel it is going to be great. She said she loved me today and strangely enough (BUT GOOD), I feel the same thing with her. 1-09-2005: Well, I wasn't looking for what I found, but I found what I was looking for without even really even looking. It is great.. Natalia is great. 1-05-2005: This is interesting..I have added pictures to the front page and updated a few other sections. I haven't had much inspiration lately to write anymore poems..been thinking, been trying to beat alcohol, and been thinking about Natalia.....alot. 12-25-2004: Well 2004 is about to close. And I am still in the same basic situation I have been in for the last 4 years. Almost seems it is engrained into my train of thought. And I sit though, I have had a Merry Christmas and I wished I could take back things I have said and have done, even up too and including, last night. But the world will be what it is, and I will be what I am, and things will change if, and only if, God wills them so. 11-20-2004: Added a picture of my old Camaro...(Privino)...and got through my stupid court case in Union County, with it being dismissed...I shall be adding stuff tommorrow, if I get my EIS project finished and a goodly portion of my Math project completed. Guys thanks for the hits, especially Esther, I really appreciate the poems. Maybe I should reflyer the campus again, get the hits rolling in. 11-11-2004: I updated the "Rants" page, this one is good, you guys go check it out. I wished I could afford a cool webblog or something to put on my site, maybe people would respond to me. Added 6 links to the "Links" page. I think they are some pretty standard sites, but once people, (if they ever do) start submitting more poetry and links, then I will add more, and others as I go along...maybe I will get some more traffic! WOO HOO. 11-8-2004: Added a link to a library of poems by a dear friend, Esther. She writes with a passion, beautiful imagery and really makes you think about different issues. She is a better writer then me, I would say. So abstract, so wonderfully different, please read her poems and enjoy them...any comments? send to me and I will give them to her. UPDATED MY "ME" page with new pictures. 11-7-2004: It is funny. I want to update, but after placing 40 fliers on a college campus, I have had not one single response. I suppose college kids are more concerned with material things and getting fucked up, than reading poetry or learning about themselves. The shallow well of all these sluts fucks will eventually dry up... and I grow more bitter, because I want the attention that people give me when they read what I write...sorry for being honest, but it is true.... 10-25-2004: Added "Lucid Black." And continue working on the links pages, and hoping that it doesnt rain all night so that I can actually eat something besides fucking pasta for once. LEAVE ME SOME MESSAGES. 10-17-2004 (continued): added a new poem, "Colder Proof," and a link can be found on the "Recent Poems" page. Also adding the beginnings of a "new" links section that will grow and grow.... WITH THE HELP OF PEOPLE....it is still under construction. 10-17-2004: Jesus Christ! Man it is cold outside. (well riding a scooter doesn't help!) Who to blame for that...DUMBASS JOSH. Anyways, I shall add some more updates in a few minutes...gonna play a few games of word racer. 10-16-2004: Maybe I will get the content added tonight. I tried taking some new pictures of myself earlier, but none of them came out well. I am so pale. I almost look sickly lol. If I could just keep my attention focused on the page, and the long-term good effects that it could have for me, I might get somewhere with it. If anyone has ANY suggestions....Please let me know. Its about time to get ready for work...woo hoo. 10-15-2004: I am going to try and add a lot of new content tonight. And work on a links page so that people can come here, and then enjoy other sites after they have looked at my page. 10-13-2004: Wrote a new poem, entitled "Summer," there is a link to it below the second text box on this page. Heather and I haven't talked for a few days, so I really don't believe anything is going to change between us. I guess that is how life goes. 10-12-2004: I didn't get a chance to update anything tonight. 10-10-2004: It has been a long couple days. I wrecked my scooter pretty badly on 107, going about 40 mph...I am really sore, and the scooter is pretty scratched up. Another DWI for blowing a .02. I guess people are right when they say I drink too much and I cannot control it. *********************************************************************** With that being said; I am pretty sure that I am running low on chances to make something of my life. I am not excited about the prospects of being put on house arrest, or doing work release, nor more community service. I am thinking of Canada, if I am going to face certain indictment. I just watched some of the videos of beheadings....go to www.homelandsecurityus.com/hostages.asp... I was against the war.. Now I am all for murdering those goddamn people that make a farce of Islam, a peaceful religion....DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND....we are trying to rid Iraq of opression....whereas Christianity has adopted a more secular view of the world in the last 500 years, Islam is still rooted in fucking strict religious code. LET YOUR WOMEN BE FREE!.....intelligence and ability is not based on fucking GENDER.... GOD BLESS THE TROOPS DESTROY THOSE FUCKERS!! I call for beheadings of captured prisoners in the US, so what, we sink to the level...they have killed too many. 10-8-2004: Posted a link for "Posting Poetry"...which is just sending the poem to me through email. I am about to go and put up fliers. On campus, for my website and I hopefully will drawl more traffic. If I get a good response, I will repost the fliers...and possibly upgrade to a paid site. I will probably be updating more stuff later. 10-7-2004: Nothing much going on this evening. I haven't updated anything else, (that will come in my next two days off)...what a hobby I have...sitting here, 22 years old, a good looking college student and I have no girl here with me....hmmm people must really hate poetry. Added another rant to the "Rants" section...hopefully I am hanging out with Erin tommorrow...goodnight. 10-6-2004: Added the "Rants/Commentary" section. This section is where I will remark and make comments on different subjects, hoping for some feedback from visitors... REMEMBER, THESE ARE MY OPINIONS...(however skewed..LOL) 10-5-2004: Added the webcam link, so that you can watch me live when I am on Yahoo and editing my site. There is no nudity involved. Unless....haha...Updated the "Me" page. Time for some new and exciting info on Josh! LOL. Added "me" page 3...more new pictures soon. 10-4-2004: Finished updating the pages and fonts and backgrounds. Next will be too add some new content in the form of pictures.. and possibly some audio. I will be adding a new "links" section soon. Once I have all of my information compiled....for now, its off to finish the little bit of homework I have left, and then cook eat....and arise tommorrow at 845....class...and then work from 3-11....and then I start over Tuesday...and then Wednesday...woohoo Thursday...a day off so I can continue being antisocial...outside of work...LOL I NEED A HOBBY!......missing Kiley.... 10-1-2004: Added a link at the suggestion of an old friend, to add a link to email me...that link is thelastsunsetkiss@yahoo.com...soon I shall begin a complete overall of the site, possibly planning to get a pay account with more options and more cooler effects... Time to do something with this writing I have been blessed with... If anyone is interested in a compilation of the works on my site, email me with a request and I will be happy to oblige for a cheap cost of five dollars. Soon I shall be posting fliers of my site on the Western Carolina Campus, and soon hopefully putting together a small edition of my poems to sell....and revamping this site completely... new pictures, new poems, and a new layout...hopefully easier to navigate...but the journal remains the same, and the soul inside is still slightly empty...(but filling up)....so thanks everyone!! 9-23-2004: WOO HOO hispeed Internet Access again! I am still getting used to it and trying to figure out how to download files on Kazaa without getting all this bullshit. I have been missing an average of one class per week... I really don't know what too do, I guess I am going to buy a new alarm clock...sometimes I just can't wake up though. I guess I will be adding a lot more new poems in the near future, possible even upgrading to a pay site....(not as in you pay, but I pay for more space to add better content.) 8-12-2004: Ahhhh, I have been writing in this little text box thingy for over a year now, almost 2....I wonder if anyone reads this.. Last night, I updated some of the links between my poem pages and today I am removing all unnessecary (who however you spell it) pictures and files from within my site...which means no MORE..friends and family pics...those pictures are old anyway and I have an entirely new set of friends. I am now a CSM at Wal-mart and I am very excited about that and the prospect of school starting (College) August 26th.... 7-1-2004: I am thinking about Erin, not daydreaming, but wishing I I would have been that lucky dude walking with her and talking because just talking and having that friendship is cool. I think that Amanda Cook likes Brian. I miss talking too her, but I won't pursue anything that isn't worth it. I believe I may add a couple more poems tonight, and expand even more...I don't have recent pictures of many of my friends. Guess I will have to take some :) I have been typing in this little journal box for a year and a half now. Guess it might be time to pay Yahoo to list me. 6-25-2004: NO more bullshit. 6-10-2004: Trying to add some significantly large updates to the page because it has been forever since I added poems...am adding the largest poem on the site yet, the epic "May the End Be the Beginning" Check it out and sign my guestbook...comments and invites to join webrings are always welcome...soon I will revise "Friends and Family" Give you some new photos to feast upon.. I am also seriously contemplating paying to be listed in Yahoo... I want traffic and to be taken seriously as an author. IM me or sign my guestbook...(Dumbsad, AIM) 5-27-2004: Once again, it has been forever since I have updated my page...I have been occupied with school and working and wishing that I could have hi-speed again. Went to Gastonia 2 days ago and it was great, everyone from my old Wal-Mart has changed. I should be posting an amazingly long new poem soon, my take on different events of my life so far. It should be pretty good. I have some deep feelings for a few girls right now, Megan, and Dawn and this girl Patricia, she works in the Deli. I am seriously hoping that I will become a CSM soon. I have applied and applied some more. Life is basically mundane. Except for my killer tan. God Bless Carol LOL. 4-16-2004: I have been thinking about J and B lately. If they ever see this they will know who they are. Both of them have bfs, but are both girls that I want to remain friends with, both are beautiful and both are "real." I didn't add any new poems tonight, just wanted to update my journal for those people that ever actually read it. They number 0-1 :) Jessica, I love your personality and the way you carry yourself, Brittany....you are awesome fun...damn lucky dudes that have you...but you are both great friends and I want that more then anything else. 3-20-2004: Too bad I cannot talk about what has happened. Too many people read this page. Check out the new background and stuff, hi-speed internet should be coming to the area soon so I will probably update everynight, mostly for myself, since I have little traffic. None of my old fans ever visit. I wished I had the money to get a hosted site, it would soon become popular. So I will keep dreaming, at 22 and still living for dreams. 3-3-2004: I have a crush on someone so unexpected and someone so unattainable (at least in my opinion) she is awesome and pretty and smart at the same time, the kind of girl that I am looking for; I do wished I were in a better position in my life, but like with Sarah, I will be patient, because I know I will be around her for a long time, unless she moves or something. She is just an awesome all-around girl, someone I never thought I would be attracted too. I am feeling sorta shy around her, but I guess that might be paranoia. I should ask her out, but I have no way to get anywhere hehe at least legally.. maybe I can get Keith to consent to giving me a ride. I know she is very independant. But she seems perfect in my eyes, and there are no ulterior motives. Maybe she will appreciate my intelligence, hehe, maybe I should lift some more weights and get "big"...hopefully she won't just look at my looks and will look at what is inside of me. 2-24-2004: I retract my hostile statements from last night. To my roommates mom, who accidentally read my website in a moment of anger, I apologize. There is nothing wrong up here, work (38 hours a week) and school have got me a little tense. I love Keith like a brother, and anything that makes him happy is fine with me. Total miscommunication between the two of us because of our schedules and how busy we stay. Once again though, this site is a way for me to vent my anger, whether it be sustained, or just momentous. To my roommate's mom, thanks for your concern I appreciate you mentioning my honors college success to Keith, and I hope that I can again this semester, continue to make up for past mistakes. Things have NEVER been better for me. 1-8-2004: Check out the new poem..."Short Story".....its short. Added a new poem because I am a fairy. I wrote poetry. What red-blooded American male does this? One with an extra Y. LO FUCKING L.......nah...the voice of sentiment regarding what some may say is really gay. I for one think that poetry is beautiful....all music comes from it....so here, I added some new material for the first time is a fucking century. 11-25-2003: Um..no new poems at this time...sorry for the delay LOL (Like anyone visits enough to notice!) work work work lately. 10-25-2003: I am a time-bomb. I am bored. I do nothing that I want to do, I want to write music and drink all the time and have no worries. Why do I have to have worries when I am so creative and could change the world, but without self-motivation I feel I am lost. I just finished watching "The Crow," yeah, I know OLD AS SHIT..! But it has to be the best movie I have ever saw. Watch it. 10-17-2003: Harold, I read your entry in my guestbook and I emailed you at your Hotmail account, I really hope you read it...WHOEVER THE OLD FAN is, please email me at infearwestand@aol.com or thelastsunsetkiss@yahoo.com and if this is Sarah...talk to me please I have a lot too say. I miss you guys at #1385 alot. I am pretty lonely here.....a lot of acquiantances but no one to really trust. If anyone else that I know still reads this email me please or sign the guest book, preferably email, because I don't check my Yahoo much unless I am expecting someone to write, and it fills up and I don't recieve all the messages I should. I miss you Sarah. 9-20-2003: If anyone still looks at this page. Sign the guestbook please..Feedback is wonderful, the redesign is finished..brighter and you would think I would be more depressed now then ever before. But I guess I cannot live life that way. Time to go ride the scooter :) 9-19-2003: Everytime I take a step forward, I take two more steps back. I cannot stay out of trouble and my personal life always resembles a pit of hellfire rather then something peaceful and happy. My mind never gets any rest though I can sleep and sleep. I do not know what to do. I do not know where too turn. I am lost and I finally realize that. 8-21-2003: The first day of college is today. I am excited though I have only one boring class, the Health class. I have updated a little more and am actually thinking about finishing it! WOO HOO! To all those who never visit. Thanks. To those that do. I LOVE YOU. 8-9-2003: Beginning the updating process now. I think that I am going to make a flyer up and distribute it around the Western campus to try and generate hits for my site. To anyone that reads, everything will not be up and running tonight and probably for about a week or more. 8-7-2003: Well it has almost been a month since I added anything new here. No reason too. I have turned my car into the Chevy Primaro S.o.S Custom edition...website address and all in Sharpie Marker! HELL I CAN't afford a Fucking paintjob anyways, so why not it will be such a great momento to remember from college. I should be registered for classes by tommorrow, and I have a direct loan that well, I will only have to pay like $200 more...I have been talking to the roommate of my beautiful friend Jessica, but I do not think that that is going to work out because she cares more about her millions of fucking dudes then as she says, 'the most interesting person and the best kisser I have ever met in my life' what Bullshit. makes me sad. I haven't talked to Harold, or Brandon, or Elizabeth or anyone from #1385... I miss the store..I may be changing the layout soon, but this journal will remain here, for those of you that read this...thanks for coming back and coming back some more. 7-13-2003: It has been three weeks since I have updated. Nothing much has happened, Sarah decided to start talking to me again and asking for a list of the songs that we did on Kazaa while she hung out over here. I miss her. I move in 4 days and I am scared. Hopefully Geocities isn't being the bitch it usually is and will let me add something new to the site tonight...I am moving to Cullowhee, NC to attend Western Carolina University. My job has transfered... I found a book of poems yesterday entitled... "70 No More" it is pretty good...I hope to add a couple of poems from the book here in a few minutes...if I can remain motivated. 6-22-2003: absolutely no reason to update this site.. no one visits it. no one cares about poetry. I guess when someone important pays attention to it, I will get the motivation to update. 6-10-2003: Added a poem by my best friend in the world, Keith McQuarrie titled...."5:21 am" read it please.....its a great poem. 6-7-2003: Geocities did some bullshit with the uploading pictures option so my freaking link for my new poem "Such Ceaseless Time" doesnt match the others. Fuck Geocities. Stupid hosts. But read the new poem...its good. PS (6-6-2003): When I do update, I will probably change the entire site layout..make it brighter...I am tired of being depressed. I take Lithium now for that and it seems to actually be working...but I still love writing...someday; eventually, I hope to upload some music I have composed here...and I hope to have the money to actually have this site listed...so I get more traffic.. I miss people from my past...I miss the failed loves...I miss it all...but its changing now... thanks Jessica. 6-6-2003: I have not updated in a shitload of years...centuries even. And I probably will not until I get the inspiration to write more, or the people around me to inspire me too write. I have been busy trying to get back to college, Western Carolina U. for anyone that actually cares...a friend of mine that I graduated with passed away...(RIP JESSICA EARLEY 1982-2003) I loved this girl immensely. She inspired me in life and has now inspired me in death to actually make something of my shitty exsistence. I will eventually update. I just don't know how long it will take to do it...or when...but please keep coming. 5-16-2003: Sitting here, just got off of work, enjoying a Melon Ball from Boones' Farm. Contemplating adding new poetry tonight. Recent events: I started to hook up with this girl named Melissa Byars...but she turned out to be just as airheaded as the past two....Ronnie, a dude I work with has been fucking with me lately....apparently..Heather and him decided they wanted to hang out and hook up...it doesnt matter to me though, I know I am better then them both. I know what she is and what he is. I am still missing Sarah sometimes. Lately I have been having lots of thoughts on traveling...getting away from here...starting over. I guess its just that summer breeze wanting to carry me away. I am also contemplating changing the layout of the site...making it more "light" again. Lately I have been feeling self-confident and stuff....but not finding much inspiration for writing. I am not worried about it...WHOEVER, IF ANYONE STILL VISITS MY SITE.. please let me know in the guestbook or an email. 5-8-2003: sitting here feeling like a big piece of shit...my throat hurts and I am bored as shit...called in to work today..my first time ever....wondering why the fuck I have this site..no one looks at it...and no one really cares..started talking to this girl named Melissa...but as usual, I fucked that up too. Heather hasn't called me nor stayed in touch..so fuck that....can't say fuck her someone might tell on me...LOL new poem "In Fear We Stand" 4-25-2003: sitting here thinking back over many past memories. what is new? well also haha realized how insignificant i, as one person will probably have on the world in my lifetime...so why the fuck should i worry so much about what others think? I am me. I am Josh. I am who I am. (didnt God say that?) LOL 4-21-2003: What point is there in keeping this site up? I have one regular visitors and all of the friends I made it for (except Harold and Rhonda) don't hang out with me anymore. Added a new poem that I really like.."In Fear We Stand" (12:33 am) 4-19-2003: Heather and I are not talking. I may add a new poem tonight, I don't know, I wished my Nascar 2003 game would work. 4-15-2003: new entrance picture. heather called me!! told me to call her in the morning. Going to a concert in Seneca, NC on April 23rd at WCU, to see my friend Keith, whom I haven't saw since June of 2001. :( Depending on how much I hate humanity at the end of the night. LOL LAUGH OUT LOUD...hey Harold! :P Miracle Grow makes everything grow. LOL (you know I am picking, don't get pissed) 4-12-2003: AND TO THE PERSON WHO SIGNED MY GUESTBOOK WITH UGLY COMMENTS..show Your face. STANDARD DISCLAIMER, on my personal site I write what I wish to write, I write what I am feeling. I write what I want WHEN I WANT TOO, if at the moment I feel like I hate someone, I write it, if I feel like saying "DAMN SO AND SO" I write it. Chances are, my feelings have since changed. This is a place for me to vent, to let out pent up emotions. Not to create drama from. If you DO NOT like what I write, DO NOT visit. DO NOt STAY, and most definately, DO NOT take what I say on here into my place of employment, however, if anything I say on here DOES offend you, and you want to say something to me, email me. ANGELLOVER143@hotmail.com...or Thelastsunsetkiss@yahoo.com. ALL OF MY WORK IS COPYRIGHTED...also folks, understand that HUMAN EMOTION CHANGES...one day I may write "fuck heather" and the next day...I won't be mad anymore. but as I said above, I write what I feel, what is inside of me..and its not meant to offend anyone. Thanks, The PooRe PoeT 4-9-2003: Five days since i updated. I hate my fucking life. The people that surround me stress me, I miss the high school days, when I felt so invincible. I felt so untouchable. I felt so alive. I felt like nothing could stop me, optimism wasn't a goal to be obtained, but a state of mind. Now the slightest thing depresses me. And nothing much matters to me anymore. All I fucking do is work, and fucking drink and get high. That is totally it. Heather doesn't give a fuck. I am so fucking tired of being alone. Why can't God just die for about 5 minutes...and let Hell dissappear, my answer would lie in those 5 minutes. I am bored as fuck...SOMEONE CALL ME (704)827-9731 4-4-2003: SO much bullshit happened today. I am debating on whether to leave this site up anymore. No one really comes, I have like 2 people that visit regularly. Brandon isn't my friend. Elizabeth isn't. Sarah isn't. Can I trust Tammy? I don't know :( :(...can I trust ANYONE else? Why should I? Lately it seems that people haven't really wanted too talk to me, though I have been acting like I always do, though so careful not to make anyone mad. Heather seemed more interested today. Probably BULLSHIT though. Snowwhite was supposed to call me back...did he? No! probably hanging out with Brandon. 4-2-2003: bout to go to Jillian's none of my "friends" have called me, talked to Heather earlier, she really doesn't seem interested. I wished Tammy was single. So I could well haha. I think we'd be together, I will add her poem later. 4-1-2003: Added a new poem. "Delivered" I am debating changing the address of the site. Or maybe closing it altogether. It has not reached the potential I thought it could, and I do NOT have the money to pay Yahoo or whatever for exposure space. So friends, Get the Address out for me...hehe please. April Fools Day..LOL..what is this day for? no point. I spent the entire day running around...taking an anger management class and then proceding to shot some 475 odd rounds of ammunition...250 .22 shells and 225 .9mm shells LOL.. GUYS READ THIS... send my site link to you're friends! I want everyday traffic..not sporadic shit. If I don't get this, lol site close down time! 3-29-2003: POST EDITED FOR CONTENT (lol) I had to take this off because Harold thought it would be a good idea..however, I think its a good idea to speak you're mind at all times, and I hate Sarah. So bottom line, let her dissappear from my mind, I could give a FUCK less. 3-28-2003: Not a good night last night. I must have waited to long to make my move and get Heather. She won't even talk to me on the motherfucking phone..its ridiculous. Oh well. Tonight I shall probably add some new pictures and stuff here. Starting to run out of content for lack of "get togethers" and the such. Damn you Sarah! 3-27-2003: Went back to work today...got off at 7. Damn Sarah! Why could she just not set aside the fear and be happy with me? But that is done now, I am finished with waiting for someone that is NEVER going to appreciate what I do for them, or for who I am..Goddamn! I hope I did not wait too long to pursue Heather She is beautiful, smart, funny, and I get along well with her... of course, I get along well with her when I am around her and thinking of her, not Sarah. 3-25-2003: Got back from the mtns, hehe it was soo beautiful. I wished Sarah could have been there, Jeremy and I got up to a little mischief while there...pictures later :) 3-24-2003: added a giant archive of previously posted poems, from the previous incarnation of my website (2000-2002). Many of These ARE GREAT poems...Please visit the archive! went too Pathways today..the doctors calling soon, GUESS WHAT??!! I am bi-polar.. I don't think Heather nor Sarah wants me..unwantable maybe? But at least I have my friends... But are they really friends? or do they just feel sorry for me. Damn seems to me that I've made people think I am all about self-pity. Not at all... Harold call me when you read this. I may update something later. For now, its time to eat hamburger and sit and reflect, and hope I get a delivery later! :) 3-22-2003: Added the poem, by James Dickey, "From the Zodiac" for Rhonda...thanks. Color is good. Possibly got my job back..anger management courses and a transfer are what it takes though, and NO MORE screwups. Gonna add some stuff here later. Going to call Sarah in a few minutes, she honestly has me confused. 3-19-2003: 7:27 p.m. I think I may have reached the end of the road, my unhappiness with myself and the things I've done in life are really too much for me to justify anymore. It rains outside, and I am lonely, extremely lonely. Sarah hasn't called me today either. What is her deal, can't say what i really want too. 3-19-2003: 6:42 a.m. stayed up all night, depressed and drunk. just more bullshit lately..as of now, i do not work at wal-mart anymore, I think Sarah played me for a second round. i have to be angry now, it hurts. but there is Heather. She seems really sweet. Like she really likes me, and cares. Come on Sarah, if you do...say something! Added a poem by Patricia. "Daze" Its awesome, check it out! Thank you Harold for being a great friend, you are on the good list haha! 3-17-2003: fixed the text box for Snow White ! LOL.... Got a Tattoo yesterday, (pictures soon!) Sarah came over tonight (after we all went out for lunch earlier). I am getting more and more hints that she is really more deeper into me then I originally thought. my fucking car blew up! sitting in the wal-mart parking lot right now. thank God for Brandon being my friend and driving me around...I want Sarah. :) 3-14-2003: link for, "but already empty" added. 3-9-2003: added 3 new poems in the main poem section on my site..3 of my favorites...so please read.."There Was A Day" "It Was Sadness" and "The Bleeding Heart" still missing the hell out of Sarah. I don't think she is going to talk too me. 3-8-2003: waiting for Brandon to get here...its 10:58 pm.. Sarah is ignoring me now...Fuck what did I do?!! Added a new poem: "Opus: So I Sit" please read it...tell ur friends about this site...sign the guestbook. and THEN i will add a chatroom....I want Sarah back. 3-8-2003: Added a poem by Jr. Stephens he wrote to me.. "A Boy Named Josh" thank you Jr. Right on the nose. 9:05 am..another night of getting high and not caring about nothing..adding my site to 'link" sites and lists for more traffic, i would like to get a fan base going haha..tough shit probably..missing Sarah still. 3-7-2003: Brandon spent the night here and I got really drunk. added a special poem "For What It Was" dedicated to Sarah. I wished she would stop being mad. I am sorry for messing up. 3-6-2003: its 5:51 am in the morning and I'm just sitting here wishing Sarah wasn't mad at me and I had her in my arms to fall asleep with the thunderstorm going on outside. but fuck I guess its over. Time to be lonely again. Whats new? Gonna paint my car tommorrow if the rain stops hehe...everyone will be surprized.. I added a shitload of poems Rhonda ;) hehe like 6 new ones, I also added 2 more pages of pictures and updated the links page. (now its 8:28 am) Mood: Sleepy as hell and cranky. Poems added: "Such Discontent" "Unfinished Infinite" "For the Future" "For Nothing" "To Be Totally Honest" "You Are Pushed Aside"