The End Of April The weather has been fair to me- though I know not what tomorrow brings- steeple-chasing is so natural and free- if only I could find a church that’s fair; January dawns clear and cold- frost on the remaining leaves- cold weather still colder bones- January’s been fair to me; I have no tears but many fears- and I clear away the memories- and what could I be but heavenly- in the words I speak to the ones I love; February begins with a blast of cold air- refrosting the fickle blades of grass- that have shown to early the face of spring- I get a slight euphoric feeling; Then nighttime falls and the scent of the breeze- much, much colder then water can take- and in my place replaced by an icy cup- of water on the porch frozen over; The door is locked the heat sealed in- the phone rings continuously no one home- computer screen is bright but words are blank- Its not what I give to myself; Give me the gift of company- my heart is warm but still very cold- the sounds of immature laughter have left- she holds me one last time; It is the end of April and they’ve all gone- those smiles and laughter that brightened my heart- and soul I have felt and have been felt- I thought the bad feelings were gone; But it is the end of April and Natalia’s gone- the highway beckoned a future that’s reckoned- to be bright with hope and the lights that shine- at night still spell out her name; So I say goodbye one last time- I cannot hear the sound of her voice- without crying anymore I cannot cry- for it would prolong the end of April; We know what is coming soon- alas at last all those words have come to stop- her mouth is silent my lips are sealed- both of our hearts close down forever; And the midnight sky still captures the essence- of how the mountains shadowed effervescent- streams of light coming through the trees- highlighting a person crouched behind the breeze; Obscure the view now my friend, silence- April always has treated me fairly- from the lights of Broadway theater- to the cold-sole Cullowhee veil; And it broke my heart but she was okay- I was ripped apart- again along those scars- it was the same for me long ago- felt as if there wasn’t anyone to talk too anymore; So I danced a dance of last goodbyes- for each word that I gave- I lost another five- for each step I take while jumping around- I felt clique without my crown; And crowned the jester became I thee- to stay in step with each of them- and make them laugh to see their smiles- but talking about it never helps just insinuates; I caught word the other day- that my past had broken free- and had come back- fast to haunt me- while pulling away the sheets to reveal; His body, her body curled tight together- hearts beating fiercely arms interlocked- though we felt guilty for having broken hearts- and leaving them alone to die in the dark we move on: On and again I’ve stepped forward- into the light it’s the month of May- the shadow of April still though looms- like a storm cloud in the heat of summer; I have a heart of goodbyes and is tainted- with emotions that brew from a cauldron- deeply deep inside of me- where everything all sounds the same; Moving forward into the future again- I find myself rife with sadness a blend- of coptic optimism and perfect pessimism- the month of May is yet now upon us; This month of April led into May- filled with goodbyes as months before- I could never figure out what God had in store- why those goodbyes always came to me; However though sad the song must play out- and we must move on and the world must rotate- the axle of fate doesn’t balance its best- on the tears of a few human cries; Those insignificant tears stained wasted years- I’ve spent and we spend in anguish- the world will not stop to pause the clock- the hands will continue to turn; So she says I must let go now before the end of April- And I felt my hands shaking writing on a piece of paper- my last words of love and hope to send with her- justly along her way- even though I know that she will ignore- the many things I had to say; The many things I had to say would have to wait- so chilly still in this month of May- I looked forward to the month of June- when the sun would wash away; And so it was that I would be- once again capture by pain, anger and relief- was forthcoming though at the end of April- and the month of June brought promise; But no though the sadness followed me- my heart remained scarred from damage by- someone with whom I fell in life with her eyes- so dark but intriguing too me; It was the end of April finally- and Natalia left today- and I was sad immensely sad- but somehow it was better that way. The PooRe PoeT 3/19/05 - 3/23/05 ã2005