This parody is dedicated to The Lauderdale. In the event of my death, she shall receive full copyright privileges unless she is the cause of my death, in which case she will receive nothing. ~ Lindsey Paris
Alternaverse: Part One It’s only your brain cells
Won’t miss them at all
Dare to be looney...
No one can blame you
For going insane
From way too much teasing
Revenge sure is pleasing...
Life can’t be easy
It’s not always bright
When nights get too cold and dark
I’ll be your light...
But in the Alternaverse
Appliances rule
In the Alternaverse
Florescent lights of neon blue...
It’s only your brain cells
Won’t miss them at all
Dare to be looney
Alternaverse, Alternaverse...
It was a warm spring evening; the tall grass in St. Canard Central Park swayed in the breeze of the impending storm. The gray clouds ahead rumbled menacingly, allowing only a faint sliver of fading sunlight through. Cloaked in the shadows of the nearby woods, a pair of luminous eyes stared out at the grounds that lay ahead. At once a cloud of grey-violet sulfuric smoke exploded, and a purple-clad figure floated down from the small park bridge overlooking the bubbling creek.
“I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the soda machine that eats your quarters! I am Darkwing Duck!” Darkwing paused for a moment, letting his words sink in. “Give me my daughter. Through perils innumerable, and battling villains for entire half-hours at a time, I have fought my way here to the lighthouse beyond the Cute Little Lost Bunny City, to take back my daughter, whom you have stolen. For crime is no match for truth, and evil will never triumph!” Darkwing hesitated, wrinkling his brow in frustration. “For crime is no match for truth, evil won’t triumph...” he mumbled. “Darn. That line always stumps me.” Darkwing whipped out his comic book and flipped to the end. “You’re all washed up, Sparky,” he said, nodding as if he should have remembered.
“Woof!”
Darkwing looked over at his shaggy mutt sitting on a rock. “Oh, Honker,” he mumbled, annoyed. Away in the distance he could hear the large bell tower begin to chime the seventh hour. “Oh no, Honker! Gosalyn’s home from soccer practice! I completely forgot! Come on, Honker! Come on!”
As the clouds began to leak small drops of rain overhead, the two of them took off, dashing through the field, over the bridge, and down the streets of Saint Canard. They darted past houses. They leapt over potholes. When they reached their front porch, Darkwing flopped against the doorframe and breathed heavily, his head beating down on the bell. By this time the rain was pouring down. Quickly he yanked off his hat, mask and cape and stuffed them neatly into his shirt, which amazingly didn’t bulge. A fat white duck in a yellow Hawaiian shirt answered the door.
“Say, Drake-a-roo! Home a bit late, ain’t ya?” he sputtered.
“Genius knows no curfew. Honker, go on. Garage,” Darkwing grumbled.
“C’mon. He’ll catch a cold out there,” the fat duck replied in a whiney voice.
“Herb, I will not let that filthy mutt in my house. Now, I know your utilities are out, so you can use my house for the weekend. But as soon as you get them installed, you’re out of here, got it? And if you think you can tell me what to do in my own home, you’re out on your big blubber butt before you can blink!” Darkwing scolded.
“Oh my! What lovely alliteration!” a tall female duck with blond hair in a blue dress remarked.
“That includes you, Binky!” Darkwing shouted, running up the stairs and slamming the door to his room. He flopped down on his Darkwing Duck sheets, staring up at his “Terror That Flaps in the Night” poster, and reached for his latest Masked Mallard of Saint Canard comic strip. It occurred to him that he would probably make more money if he didn’t spend it on his entire stock of merchandise, but he couldn’t resist. It was his one true obsession. After an insufferable day with the Muddlefoots, he needed to indulge himself.
Just as he began to open his comic, Drake heard a knock on the door. “Oh, what is it now?” he roared, slamming his book down.
“Mr. Mallard? Mr. Mallard,” an overly perky voice called.
“Binky! I thought I told you –”
“Oh yes, Mr. Mallard, we won’t disturb you. Herbie and I are going out for a while. It’s our anniversary,” she squealed. “We’ll be back before ten, of course. We wouldn’t want to go to bed too late. It’s bad for the health.”
“Please, take your time,” Drake said with syrupy sarcasm. “You kids enjoy yourselves! Hit the town! Have fun! Get the heck out of my house!”
“My, what a sweet man,” Drake heard Binky mumble to Herb. “I don’t really think we should hit the town, though. It sounds violent.”
“Maybe he needs counseling,” Herb muttered back. Drake heard the front door slam.
“Goshdarnmubbleflubbin’...” Drake grumbled, preparing to resume his reading. He reached out past his pillow and to his shock touched nothing but a bare wall. “My giant DW plushie! She’s been in my room again! I am going to have to have a serious talk with that young lady! No respect for personal privacy,” Drake complained as he stormed out of his room and down the hall. He swung the door to Gosalyn’s room open and burst in, his hands square on his hips.
“Da-ad! Don’t you ever knock?” Gosalyn griped as he entered.
“That’s a mighty bold question for you to ask, especially when you feel free to confiscate my personal property. Could you please inform me as to how you came about this little item?” Drake said, snatching his doll from the floor. To his shock he found pins sticking out of the back. “What the – Gosalyn, what did you...do?”
“Just practicing voodoo, Dad. The pins come out, see?” she said, trying to sound innocent.
“Just practicing voodoo? On my plushie? Young lady, have I ever told you the story of the little girl, the Darkwing doll, and the eternal lake of fire?”
‘Oh yeah, Dad. Many times. I think it’s cool!” Gosalyn replied, her eyes lighting up.
“Well, then, perhaps it’s time to hear a new story. Once upon a time, there was a brilliant super hero whose career was constantly being interrupted by the mischievous and naughty ways of his daughter. And the girl was a spoiled brat, and she always had to tag along, and the brilliant super hero was completely fed up. But what no one knew was that a long time ago, the super hero had escaped the little lost bunnies, and he knew how to call on them. ‘Just call us when you need us,’ the bunnies said, ‘and we’ll come and find you and bring you back with us and play with you and make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside forever and ever and ever!’ But the super hero knew that the King of the Bunnies would keep the girl in his lighthouse forever, and turn her into a bunny! So the super hero reluctantly held his tongue. Until one day, when the girl had been particularly disobedient, and had tested the patience of the super hero to no end, and he could no longer stand it –”
“No, Dad! No more! Please, I can’t take it,” Gosalyn cried, burying her face in her hands.
“Well, then, just let that be a warning to you,” Drake said. “And you’re grounded for the next week.”
“But Dad, I’ll miss my soccer game!” Gosalyn whined.
“Young lady, you have pushed me too far!” Drake exclaimed.
In the shadows, the bunnies began to whisper among themselves. “We’re getting a new friend! He’s going to say the words!”
“I wish...I wish...” Drake began.
“Did he say it?” a little lost bunny asked. “Shhhh...” the rest of them chastised.
“That’s it!” Drake shouted. “Bunny King, Bunny King, whether far or near, make this spoiled brat of mine forever disappear!”
“Noooo!” cried Gosalyn, cowering into a fetal position with her head buried between her knees. Drake began to laugh.
“Oh, drat, that wasn’t right,” one of the lost bunnies said, sadly.
“You’re so gullible! Now, get some sleep,” Drake said. “You know,” he continued as he walked out, “sometimes, I wish the bunnies would come and take you away.” He turned her light off. “Right now.” He shut the door behind him. As he started back down the hall, Drake called out, “And brush your teeth tonight!”
No answer.
“Gosalyn? Gosalyn! You answer me when I’m talking to you!” He walked back down the hallway and opened the door. “Young lady, you listen...young lady? Gosalyn? Where are you?” He flicked the light switch, but nothing happened. Looking up, he saw that the bulb from the ceiling light was missing. He quickly looked around, only to find all the other light bulbs gone as well.
“Gosalyn, what’s going on? What are you up to?” He heard a thump coming from under her covers. As he pulled them back, he shouted, “Surprise!”
It was a surprise indeed. No one was there. Quickly he dashed to her closet and peaked inside. He felt around through her clothes, but felt nothing but fabric.
“When I get my hands on you...” Drake continued to search the room, to no avail. He heard more thumping noises coming from under her bed, but there were too many and they were too loud to come from any one girl, even Gosalyn. As he stared under the bed, a couple pairs of long ears poked out of Gosalyn’s toy chest, then quickly disappeared as he turned around. The bunnies poked their heads and paws out from behind her bookshelves, and then quickly hid themselves again. The storm clouds growled overhead as the rain continued to beat down against the windows. Lightning flashed, illuminating the room for a second and leaving it in darkness, over and over like a strobe. The windowpanes rattled and suddenly burst open. Blinding white light flooded the room. Drake, feeling that this might be no ordinary storm, quickly put on his hat, cape and mask, ready for battle. As the light began to dim, a shadowy figure slowly began to arise from the silhouette cast on the bedroom floor. As Darkwing looked up, he saw a terrible, yet oddly intriguing, sight.
A rat-weasel creature, about four feet tall, with small eyes, one slightly larger than the other, peered down at him, his spindly arms, clad in blue gloves, folded across his waist. On his head he wore blue goggles and a circuit plug hat that didn’t conceal his long blond hair. He had a thin but wide face, with a long black nose and whiskers, and he wore an expression that looked somewhere between sinister and crazy. He stared at Darkwing, not quite menacingly, a sly smile across his face. A long white dress and robe flowed to the floor.
“You? You’re the...bunny king?” Darkwing asked, his face contorting uncomfortably in a futile effort to keep from laughing.
“Bunny Queen, thank you very much. I’m getting in touch with my feminine side.”
“Um, you look like Megavolt in a dress,” Darkwing said skeptically.
“A technicality! Anyway, um, the girl is mine, abandon all hope of ever seeing her again, etc., etc. Mwaaahahaha!”
“I just can’t get over it! You? Bunny Queen?,” Darkwing asked incredulously.
“Yeah, well -- okay look. I’m not proud of it or anything. It’s just that electric appliances don’t strike the same kind of fear into the hearts of the Saint Canardians. At least, not yet.”
“I still just can’t get over it, though,” Darkwing sputtered out between giggles. “You! The Bunny Queen! Ha, ha, ha –”
“Oh, get over it already. Don’t you want your daughter back?”
“Right, right. Um, hand over my daughter, you foul vil-(*gulp, giggle*). Sorry, I just can’t say it!”
“In your dreams, duck! She’s mine now! Too bad, so sad...”
“It’s a light bulb,” he said, twisting his hand to make a light bulb appear. “An ordinary light bulb.” He juggled it between his hands. “But if you turn it on,” he said, snapping his fingers to make it light up, “and look into it, you know, just keep staring at it for a very long time, you’ll go blind.”
“Shut up and give me my daughter, you cross-dressing freak!”
“Darkwing, don’t even get me started,” Megavolt warned, shooting lightning from his fingers. Darkwing jumped back. “You’re no match for me, Darkwing.”
“Oh yeah? You and what army?”
“This army.” At once he waved his hands, and the cute little lost bunnies began hopping out of the closet, toy chest, bed and bookshelves. They were everywhere, surrounding him.
“Come on, Darkwing! Play with us,” they taunted. For a second, a look of true fright caught his eyes. Then Megavolt waved his arm again, and they disappeared.
“All the same,” Darkwing said, “I will have my daughter back.”
“Very well. She’s there, in my lighthouse.” Darkwing gazed out and saw a tiny lighthouse in the far distance, it’s path blocked by a giant maze. They were no longer in Gosalyn’s bedroom, but in a strange land illuminated by a dark orange light. There was a single tree that appeared to be a lamppost with branches, which Megavolt leaned against.
Darkwing pointed to the lighthouse. “Is that the lighthouse beyond the Cute Little Lost Bunny City?”
“Turn back, Darkwing! Turn back, before it’s too late!”
“Not on your life! It doesn’t look that far.”
“Ha ha ha, that’s a good one. It’s billions, millions, or even, hundreds of miles away! Time is short. You have twelve hours in which to solve the maze before Gosalyn Mallard becomes one of us, forever.”
“Ten,” Darkwing challenged.
“Thirteen. Final offer,” Megavolt retorted.
“Done!” Darkwing said. Megavolt waved his hands, and an electric alarm clock appeared, ticking away the minutes.
“Mwahahahaha...” Megavolt said, his voice and his body fading into the distance.
Alone in the Alternaverse, Darkwing stared at his surroundings. “The maze,” he snickered. “Doesn’t look that hard. Nothing can stop Darkwing Duck! Let’s get dangerous!” He began to walk briskly down a dirt path, wishing he had brought his motorcycle.
He hadn’t walked very far when he came to a large bird-like creature sitting in a small garden surrounded by flowers and trees. She (he could make out that it was a girl only by her upper torso, for the rest of her body was very masculine) was wearing black jeans, a black sweater, and a long trench coat. Her body was a faded tan color, and she had a buzz feather cut that looked Simpson-esque on top of her head, which was bent over a notebook. She was busily trying to sketch something, and couldn’t seem to get it quite right. “Oh, f-”
“Excuse me,” Darkwing hesitated.
“Oh, hold on a minute,” the bird-woman exclaimed, startled. She shoved the notebook and pencil into her trench coat pocket and looked up. “Oh, it’s you.”
“Excuse me, but I have to get to the lighthouse in the heart of the maze. Do you know how to get there?” Darkwing asked.
“Maybe,” she said, folding her arms across her waist and tapping her fingers against her arms. Her face tightened, eyebrows wrinkled. “Who wants to know?”
“I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the eraser that leaves holes in your notebook! I am Darkwing Duck!”
“Oh, yeah. Figures,” she said, shrugging. She smacked at a fairy who had landed on her shoulder.”
“Stop that! You could have killed it!”
“Yeah, serves those little buggers right. Darn things annoy the crap out of me.”
“You’re horrible!”
“No, I’m Heron. Heron Quirk.”
“Right. So, Heron, the door to the maze?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Well, where is it?”
“Where is what?”
“The door.”
“What door?”
“The door to the maze, stupid!”
“Yeah, what about it?”
Darkwing growled.
“I am highly amused by your frustration,” Heron replied, laughing. “Okay, Darkwing. Just calm down. What do you want?”
“How do I get into the maze?”
“Finally, an intelligent inquiry. Over there,” she said, pointing. A large, ominous wooden door in the middle of a stone wall suddenly began to open. “You’re not really going in there, though, are you?”
“Of course I am! Darkwing Duck knows no fear!”
“Do you always refer to yourself in the third person? It gets kind of annoying.”
“Shut up! Thanks a lot,” Darkwing said sarcastically, walking confidently forward.
“Ha, ha. No, seriously, do you know how dangerous that place is?”
“I laugh in the face of danger. Hahahahaha.” By this time Darkwing was just inside the doorway to the maze.
“So I see. Well, you’re an idiot,” Heron said. “Anyway, I’m not going to go in there risking my life with you. See ya,” she said, sticking her tongue out. She turned around and walked off.
There was nothing in either direction except long corridors to his left and right, and jumbled branches lying in the path. He turned his head one direction, then the other, contemplating which path to take.
“Having fun yet?” Heron said suddenly, whacking him on the back. She began to laugh hysterically. “Now, which way would you choose?”
“Well heck if I know. I’m a super hero, not a cartographer. Which way would you choose?”
“Neither,” she said, nonchalantly, giggling.
“Well, forget it. I don’t need you anyway,” Darkwing retorted. “Thanks for nothing, Hoggle.”
“It’s Heron! And don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She turned and marched off dramatically with her nose in the air, throwing her arms down in disgust. As if in response to her gesture, the door immediately closed.
Darkwing jumped, startled, then quickly put on a dignified face, looking around to see if anyone was watching. Finding no one, he proceeded to do “Eeny Meeny Miney Mo” until he reached the conclusion that he would go right. He started off at a moderate pace, looking out for any turns or corridors that would take him somewhere else, but he saw none. A patch of eyes growing in the moss ahead of him turned curiously toward him, opening and closing, but Darkwing didn’t notice. He was beginning to sweat, and, never having been known for his steadfast patience, began to grumble.
“What kind of a maze is this? I’m not going anywhere; it just keeps going and going on and on. Still,” he thought, “Darkwing Duck’s not a quitter.” He picked up his pace and began to run. He dodged over fallen sticks and ducked under hanging branches, his cape barely avoiding being scratched and torn. When he had run a few hundred yards, he collapsed against the wall, cursing.
“Aloe,” a small voice said. Darkwing looked down to see a little gray worm with a blue and red scarf around its neck, if one could call it a neck.
“Did you say hello?” Darkwing asked.
“No, I said aloe. But I’ll give it to you anyway,” the worm replied.
“That’s silly. Worms can’t talk.”
“Well, you’re a duck. How do you explain your talking, genius?”
“True...”
“Listen, you look hungry. Why don’t you come inside and have some tea and cakes?” The worm made a gesture to a hole in the wall, possibly large enough for Darkwing to put his pinky finger through. Darkwing gave the worm an odd look and turned his face away. “You look glum,” said the worm, with a slight tone of concern.
“I’m trying to get through this maze, but there are no turns or corners or anything. I’ve had better adventures than this in my sleep, really.”
“Well, if it’s adventures you want, you won’t find them here, but we can offer you a nice cup of tea. Come on in.”
“No, thanks,” Darkwing said, trying to sound polite. “You wouldn’t know the way through, would you?”
“Well, no, but you’re wrong, you know.”
“Wrong? Darkwing Duck, wrong? Never!”
“Well, you are. There’s plenty of turns in this place; you just haven’t seen them yet. Look over there.” The worm gestured his head forward, to the wall ahead of them.
Darkwing groaned, rolled his eyes, and looked. “I see nothing.”
“Well, of course you see nothing, you’re an ignorant mallard who’s never known magical places like this. Rule number one: things aren’t always what they seem here. Now, walk through that wall.”
“You think I’m stupid or something?”
“Yes,” the worm replied, casually. “But go ahead and walk through it.”
Darkwing stepped forward, knowing he was going to regret it. He charged at the wall and hit his head hard, falling backwards. “Ow!” he shouted. What did you tell me to do that for?”
“Hmm. It tickles me,” the worm replied. “Now, seriously, try a little to your left.”
“If you’re lying this time –”
“No, I’m not, I promise,” the worm replied.
Darkwing hesitated, and then walked ahead. He reached out his hand, and then stepped effortlessly through the wall. He poked his head through again and mumbled a grudging “Thank you.”
“You’re quite welcome,” the worm replied cheerfully. “Now, that’s the way to go. You’ll be out of the maze in no time if you go that way.”
“Ha! I don’t trust you that much!” Darkwing replied, as he charged off the other way.
“Hmm. I’m glad my reverse psychology worked,” the worm said to himself. “He’s an arrogant little bugger, but I would hate for him to go straight to the lighthouse.”
Darkwing found himself in a wide-open space, with large bushes marking secret passages and strange ancient columns depicting gothic appliances. In the distance, he thought he heard a child’s voice.
“Daddy’s coming, Gosalyn,” he muttered.
Meanwhile, back at Megavolt’s lighthouse, Megavolt was lounging on a throne, his long purple prom dress draped over the arms of the chair. The lost bunnies hopped happily and played silly games all around him. Gosalyn sat alone in a corner, taking a brief rest from punching out bunnies.
“You won’t get away with this!” Gosalyn shouted. “When Darkwing finds you...”
“Don’t be silly. Darkwing and I have been battling for over ten years. He can’t stop me!”
“Well, we’ll just have to see about that!” Gosalyn said. A lost bunny hopped up to her, trying to cheer her up. She kneed him in the chest.
“You know, kid, you’ve got spunk. Maybe I don’t have to turn you into a bunny after all,” Megavolt said, rubbing his finger down the side of his face in deep concentration.
“You turn me into a bunny and I’ll break your neck!” Gosalyn shouted.
“Perhaps you could join forces with me!” Megavolt exclaimed. “I could give you powers to control lightning, and together we could join forces, free the appliances and take over St. Canard!”
“Really? Cool!” Gosalyn shouted.
“In fact,” Megavolt said,
“You remind me of the bulb.”
“What bulb?”
“The bulb with the power.”
“What power?”
“Bet you wish you knew.”
“I do.”
“Do you?”
“Do what?”
“Remind me of the bulb.”
As the beat started to pick up, Megavolt began to dance and sing.
“I saw my light bulb
Burning bright as bulb could burn.
What could I do?
My light bulb’s fuse had blown
And left my light bulb blue;
Nobody knew...
What electric current to use?
Hydro or static?
Or something pragmatic?
Synthetic or lightning?
And light bulb said:
Volt magic (Volt magic)
Volt magic (Volt magic)
Work those magic volts on me...
Spark magic (Spark magic)
Spark magic (Spark magic)
Work that magic spark on me
Burn that light bulb (Make it free!)”
Darkwing wandered on, making mental note of the landmarks he passed, which he was doomed to forget all too soon, diligently searching for Gosalyn.
“In nine hours, twenty three minutes, twenty seconds, and five-thousand six-hundred-eighty-two microseconds, Alternaverse Pacific Time, you’ll be mine,” Megavolt whispered to Gosalyn, who was now excited by the idea of accompanying Megavolt on his quest to take over the world with his electric minions.
“I saw my light bulb
Burning bright as bulb could burn
What could I do?
My light bulb’s light had gone
And left my light bulb blue;
Nobody knew
What electric current to use
Hydro or static?
Or something pragmatic?
Synthetic or lightning?
And light bulb said:
Volt magic (Volt magic)
Volt magic (Volt magic)
Work those magic volts on me...
Spark magic (Spark magic)
Spark magic (Spark magic)
Work that magic spark on me
Burn that light bulb (Make it free!)”
Volt magic (Volt magic)
Volt magic (Volt magic)
Work those magic volts on me...
Spark magic (Spark magic)
Spark magic (Spark magic)
Work that magic spark on me
Burn that light bulb (Make it free!)”
The bunnies jumped around wildly, Gosalyn and Megavolt boogying down with all their energy.
The music played on into the distance, so loudly that Darkwing, miles away in the maze, could hear it. “They must be torturing my little girl,” he thought to himself. “Those horrible bunnies! That horrible Megavolt. In a dress!” Darkwing began to chuckle to himself. “No! I will not let that image distract me! I will find Gosalyn and save her from those bunnies, if it’s the last thing I do!”
Darkwing looked around at where he had been, trying to retrace his steps. As he turned around, he saw two doors in front of him. The door on the left had the head and hands of a large buck-toothed duck wearing a half-red, half-blue jester hat sticking out of the top and a partially peeled banana-headed puppet sticking out of the bottom. The door on the right was the reverse of this, with the duck head on the bottom and the banana puppet sticking out of the top. Darkwing turned around and found himself enclosed by four walls.
“And just where do you think you’re going, Buster?” the duck on the bottom of the right door asked.
Darkwing jumped in surprise and turned around. “Who said that?” he asked.
“He did, Sid,” the banana puppet on the bottom left replied.
Darkwing eyed the bottom of the doors in bewilderment, staring first at the duck, whom he recognized as QuackerJack, to the puppet whom he recognized as Mr. Banana Brain, back and forth. Darkwing wondered if he was going insane. Still, he was in the presence of his arch nemeses, whether in his head or not, so he would have to put on a show for PR purposes. “I am the terror that flaps –”
“ – in the night,” QuackerJack interrupted. “Please, save us the drill. We’re kinda tired already. It gets rather boring being a door after all.”
“You tell him, Jim,” Mr. Banana Brain chimed in.
“Stupid Alternaverse. I could be working on my latest brilliant creations, like exploding bowling balls, or machete teddy bears. Instead I have to be stuck to these doors for all eternity, guarding the way to Little Lost Bunny City. I tell you, it’s humiliating.”
“Have you seen your pal Megavolt yet?” Darkwing asked.
“Not yet, now that you mention it,” QuackerJack replied. “Why?”
“Oh, no reason. Anyway, not that I trust you, but which door should I take?” Darkwing asked.
“We don’t know, Joe,” Mr. Banana Brain responded.
“But we do, Stew.” Darkwing looked up to see the Mr. Banana Brain on the top of the right door.
“One of them leads to the light house in the center of the Little Lost Bunny City,” the QuackerJack on the top left door continued, “and the other one leads to – ”
“Let me guess,” Darkwing replied. “Certain death.”
“Worse!” QuackerJack exclaimed. “You will have to relive the Isis Vanderchill episode, over and over...forever!”
Darkwing gasped in horror.
“Only one of us can tell you, though,” QuackerJack continued.
“And one of us always tells the truth, Ruth, and the other one always lies, Sly,” said Mr. Banana Brain.
“I don’t believe this,” Darkwing mumbled under his breath. “Wait a second!” he said aloud. “What if you’re the one who always lies, and you’re lying about one of you always telling the truth? What if you both always lie?”
“Which one?” QuackerJack asked.
“It doesn’t matter! I don’t trust either one of you! Why am I talking rationally to my enemies anyway?”
“Beats me, Smee,” Mr. Banana Brain answered.
“What am I doing here? Gosalyn’s in trouble. Out of my way!” After a couple seconds of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, Darkwing opened the door on the right and stepped through it. “Let’s get dangeroooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssss!”
Darkwing felt himself falling. He called out for help as loud as he could, until he finally felt several pairs of horrible hands gripping him. He looked around and found hands all over the place: sticking out of the walls, above and below him, some just floating in mid-air. “Help!” he screamed again.
“What do you mean ‘help’? We are helping,” a group of hands, piled together in the shape of a distorted face, replied.
“We’re helping hands,” another group replied.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the fanfic!” another pair of hands called out. “Okay, I know we’ve all figured out that this is a cross-over with Labyrinth by now. But this is ridiculous! I mean, she’s just literally copying the scene, word for word! She can’t get away with that, can she?”
“Disclaimer:” another group of hands stated. “The author of this fanfic would like to point out that, although she has a certain respect for Darkwing Duck, she is just a new fan, after all, and, although she is brilliant and extremely talented, not to mention modest, she cannot think of any characters, from the show or otherwise, to replace the helping hands. She challenges anyone who reads this fic to do so. Thank you.”
“Well then,” yet another group of hands said, “why doesn’t she just leave us out? I mean, Darkwing’s going to choose down anyway, just like an idiot, so why bother?”
“Hey!” Darkwing exclaimed.
“Brilliant idea! Thanks, helping hands,” the author replied.
Darkwing landed on his butt with a thud a few seconds later after a very long fall. A trap door overhead closed, and only a dim light shone through a ventilation system. As Darkwing’s eyes adjusted to the darkness, he found himself in an old gymnasium that looked suspiciously like the one he had gone to at St. Canard High School. There was rusty equipment everywhere, and in the center of the room stood a single treadmill.
“He’s in the gym of insanity,” Megavolt said, back at his lighthouse.
“That doesn’t sound very nice,” one of the lost bunnies said.
“Shut up!” Megavolt commanded. “He shouldn’t have come that far. No matter. The bird-woman’s about to lead him back to the beginning. He’ll give up when he realizes he has to go through the entire maze again! Mwaahahahaha....”
“Uh, Megavolt, why not just let him go insane on the treadmill and forget about me instead of giving him an opportunity to escape?” Gosalyn asked.
“Because I have to use this paper space to give away cheap gratuitous exposition for the amusement of the reader. Now go away, kid. You bother me,” Megavolt replied, annoyed.
Darkwing huddled on the gym floor, thinking that if he were going to die anyway, he didn’t really need to work out. But there seemed to be a magnetic pull toward the treadmill. He wanted to jump on it and start running as fast as he could. He was about to do just that, when he heard a voice behind him.
“Boy, it sure was dumb of you to get yourself caught in this place.” The voice was uncomfortably familiar. Darkwing turned around.
“Herman?” Darkwing asked. “How’d you get in here?”
“Heron,” she said. “I know my way around pretty well. So. You got stuck in the gym of insanity. Figures.”
“Oh, does it now? Well, if you’re so smart, why are you here too?”
“I was waiting for you. I thought you’d get here sooner or later. Now, see that treadmill over there?”
“What, you mean this one,” Darkwing said, raising a webbed foot above it, about to step on.
“Don’t touch it!” Heron warned. “It’s a trap. Megavolt wants you to get on it. Then you’ll run so fast you’ll fry your brain cells.”
“Yeah, right,” Darkwing said sarcastically. “I’ve never been a very fast – I mean, what are the chances of that happening?”
“Very well. I was just going to show you the way out of here, but if you’d rather stay and work out...” Heron started.
“No, no, okay. Fine. So, how do I get out?”
“Well, if you follow me, I can get you back to the other side of the gate, and you can just go home,” Heron said.
“Give up? Never! Why, Darkwing Duck doesn’t know the meaning of the words!”
Heron shook her head. “First of all, you’re way too arrogant. B: you don’t know where you’re going. And third, even if you get through the maze, you’ll never get out again.”
“Well, that’s your opinion. Darkwing Duck is not afraid. Besides,” he added suspiciously, “why are you looking out for me? You don’t seem to like me very much.”
“You’re just figuring that out? Seriously, I don’t despise you. Even if you are boastful, obnoxious and a little too cocky, I just don’t want to see you end up dead.”
“Well, how nice of you. Okay, really, I need to get out of here. Maybe you could show me around the maze,” Darkwing said, disgusted that he was actually asking for help.
“Well, tell ya what. I’ll go along with you for a while, you know, show you the way out and go with you a little way, and then you’re on your own.”
“Yeah, I guess that works. Darkwing Duck doesn’t need much help anyway,” Darkwing said.
“Well, don’t thank me or anything,” Heron retorted. She led him into a little room with a wooden door. She opened it to the left. A giant stack of crushed coke cans came toppling down on her. “Oops. Wrong way,” she said. “I wish there were more recycling in the Alternaverse,” she mumbled under her breath. She opened the door to the right, and the room was immediately filled with light. “Ah, here we go,” she said. Darkwing’s eyes lit up and his mouth actually smiled in amazement, but he closed it again quickly when Heron turned around. “Follow me,” she said.
They found themselves in a dim, damp underground tunnel. The ceilings were low, but high enough that the two of them could walk comfortably, and the halls were fairly wide. Along the walls were stone statues that looked like cheesy eighties heavy metal rock bands. They reminded him of the band that had played at the high school prom, that fateful night when had become Darkwing Duck. What was that band called? Megawatt?
“Turn around, dudes,” one of them said, with a thickly drugged accent.
“Yeah, man. This is the wrong way,” another said.
“Totally,” yet another agreed.
“Just ignore them,” Heron said, irritated. “They’re just false alarms. You get plenty of them here in the maze, especially when you’re on the right track.”
“No you’re not, dudes,” another said.
“Oh, buzz off,” Darkwing said.
“Chill, man. Just doing our jobs.”
“Yeah, mellow out, man. You don’t have to go all psycho on us, dudes,” another said.
“Oh, alright, fine,” Heron said. “Say whatever you want, but don’t expect a reaction.”
“Forget it, dudes,” another one said.
“Yeah, you killed the moment, man,” the last one said.
Darkwing and Heron walked on, ignoring the two of them. Pretty soon they came into a small open chamber. An old creature, the gender and species unidentifiable through the rags and sunglasses it wore, sat in the corner on a stone bench that protruded from the wall. It sat hunched over, staring at a light bulb.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Darkwing muttered.
“Well, well, well, what have we here, hmm?” the creature muttered.
“Nothing,” Heron replied.
“I beg to differ,” the creature replied. He jumped up immediately and threw off his cloak to reveal Megavolt in a cute black angora sweater and a red mini skirt. Darkwing and Heron burst out laughing.
“Your dramatic entrances have to be a bit more intimidating than that, dear,” Heron snickered.
“Heron,” Heron corrected, rolling her head dramatically.
“Heron, you wouldn’t by any chance be helping this duck, would you?”
“Helping? Heck no, your Majesty. I was merely leading him on. Actually, I was about to take him back to the beginning.”
“What!” Darkwing shouted.
“Oh, I see,” Megavolt said, smiling maliciously. “Because of course, if you did try to help him, I would have to throw you head first into the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk,” Megavolt warned.
“No, your Majesty! Not the pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk!” Heron shouted.
“Mwaahahahaha,” Megavolt laughed. “And you, Darkwing: how are you enjoying my maze?”
“Maze? You call this a maze? Darkwing Duck laughs at this so-called ‘maze’ and its so called ‘dangers.’ Moreover, Darkwing Duck laughs at you, your girly dresses and your light bulbs!”
“No! You can’t make fun of my precious light bulbs! Well, now you’ve pushed me too far!” Another clock appeared. Megavolt twisted his hands and the minutes swept backwards.
“You dork!” Darkwing laughed. “You just gave me two hours more time!”
“Well, that was brilliant,” Heron muttered.
“Oops,” Megavolt said. “I meant to do this.” He twisted his hands again and the hands of the clock sped up by four hours.
“Whoops,” Darkwing said. Heron rolled her eyes and shook her head.
“So, you laugh at my maze, huh?” Megavolt asked, in a suspiciously sweet voice. “Let’s just see how hard you’ll laugh at this.” Megavolt held up his light bulb and disappeared into the distance. Behind them they heard the noise of giant pounding footsteps.
“Oh no, the giant teddy bear of doom!” Heron shouted.
“What?” Darkwing asked.
“Run!” Heron shouted again.
Darkwing looked behind him and saw a giant teddy bear swinging a sword back and forth. It advanced down the narrow hallway, destroying all that lay in its path (little more than cobwebs).
“You idiot! Why did you have to go and be so stupid? I bet that arrogant attitude gets you in a lot of trouble, doesn’t it?” Heron shouted between gasps for breath.
“Hah! Darkwing Duck is not afraid. He’s just, uh, exercising,” Darkwing said nervously.
“Will you shut up and help me push down this wall?” Heron asked indignantly.
“Right,” Darkwing yelled, pushing his weight against the wall. Heron, who was incredibly strong, pushed with all her might, and in the instant before the ax would have come crashing down on their necks, she and Darkwing managed to push their way through the wall. The teddy bear trampled past them, leaving a cloud of dust and ruin behind him.
“Well!” Darkwing exclaimed when they were safe, “Now would you mind telling me exactly why you told Megavolt that you were taking me back to the beginning of the maze?”
“Oh, simple,” Heron said coolly. “I lied.”
“To me or to him?” Darkwing demanded.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Heron said.
“Yes I would, actually! How can I trust you now?”
“Well, you really can’t, but since you don’t have anywhere else to go, you might as well follow me. Or you can stay down here and rot.”
“Oh, I hate you,” Darkwing muttered. Heron had found a ladder and was making her way up. “So, what is this Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk, anyway?” Darkwing asked.
“Ugh, don’t even mention it!” Heron said. “It’s...it’s...”
“It just smells bad? That’s all?” Darkwing asked.
“Just smells bad? Just smells bad? As if that weren’t vile enough! Do you know what a pain it is to do laundry afterwards? I mean, that stuff just does not rinse out at all! Plus I’ll smell bad for the rest of my life too, and I don’t particularly care for that idea, either.”
The conversation ended abruptly when they reached the top of the ladder. They were in another open area, and the maze now consisted of long networks of intricate shrubbery.
“Well, this meeting is one I will not soon forget, no matter how hard I try to block it out,” Heron said. “You’re on your own, kid.”
“Wait a minute! You can’t just quit on me like that! You didn’t show me anything!”
“So sue me,” Heron shrugged. “I’ve got things to do and message boards to check.”
“But you –, I mean, you – ”
“You’re not very good at insults, are you?”
“You can’t walk away from me like this!”
“Watch me,” Heron said, attempting to walk away.
“Oh yeah?” Darkwing retorted. He grabbed her notebook from her trench coat pocket.
“You stole my notebook!” Heron exclaimed, advancing on Darkwing.
“Another step and I’ll rip it to shreds,” Darkwing warned.
Heron stepped back. “You are seriously going to regret this,” she grumbled.
“I’m sure,” Darkwing replied. “Now, which way should we go? Left? I thought so. Great idea.”
“I hate you,” Heron muttered.
The two of them paused their argument when Darkwing saw a fat figure in a tiny green hat walk by and assume his place on an old chair, like a wise old sage.
“I wonder if we could ask him for advice,” Darkwing said. Before Heron could respond he was walking toward the figure. A closer look revealed a duck that looked suspiciously like Herb Muddlefoot wearing a green hat with beady little eyes. Darkwing failed to notice this. “Excuse me,” Darkwing hesitated, “but we – this, thing, and I – have to get to the lighthouse beyond the Little Lost Bunny City. Do you know the way?”
The green hat’s beady little eyes stared intensely at Darkwing, and Herb Muddlefoot smiled maliciously. “I might be able to tell you the way to the lighthouse. In exchange for your brain! Mwahahaha –”
“Well, I kind of need that...” Darkwing began.
“Why? It’s not as if you use it or anything,” Heron muttered under her breath.
“...but I guess I could give you this,” Darkwing finished, reaching for Heron’s notebook.
“You give him that and your beak will land at the lighthouse before you do,” Heron warned.
“Sheesh, take it easy. Okay, okay, I guess I could spare fifty cents.” Darkwing reached into his pocket and handed it to Herb Muddlefoot.
“Now, young mallard, the way to the lighthouse is fraught with danger. But when you get there, if you bow down and worship the brain-sucking aliens from outer space, I won’t have to kill you on your way back,” Herb said.
“Um, thank you,” Darkwing said. He edged away quickly.
“Well, that certainly was a wealth of information there!” Heron said sarcastically as soon as they were out of Herb Muddlefoot and the hat’s range of vision. “Definitely worth that fifty cents.”
“Shut up,” Darkwing spat back. “If you hate me so much, why are you still here?” he asked.
“What makes you think I’m doing any of this for you?” Heron responded. “I’m just waiting for the opportunity to recover my property.” Heron was interrupted by a loud, monstrous groan of pain in the not-so-far distance. “On second thought, maybe I’ll get my notebook later,” Heron said. She turned around and fled.
“Heron! You coward!” Darkwing called after her. He heard the noise again, a loud roaring sound. Edging forward and taking care to conceal himself, he saw a large, muscular duck wearing a maroon-colored vest, brown pants and pilot goggles. He was hanging upside-down and being oppressed by two malicious black bats flying all over him and biting at him.
“Eek! Squeak!” they chirped as they flew around him. The duck moaned again and writhed in pain, but couldn’t shake himself loose of the rope that suspended him. The bats continued to fly around him and bite at him.
“Aw, that poor stupid helpless duck!” Darkwing sighed. Well, this looks like a job for Darkwing Duck!”
In a cloud of smoke, Darkwing exploded onto the scene. “I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the tsunami that floods your bat cave! I am Darkwing Duck!” Darkwing immediately grabbed both of the bats by their wings and snapped them, so the bats flew into each other and bumped heads. They fell to the ground and growled to themselves, rubbing their heads, and stumbled away.
“Fear not, oh simple civilian! Darkwing Duck will help you down!” Darkwing tugged at the rope. Nothing happened.
“Uh, would these help?” the duck asked. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a pair of scissors.
“Yeah, that does, thanks,” Darkwing said gratefully. He took the scissors and began to cut through the rope. “Wait a minute! You could have cut the rope at any time?” Darkwing asked. He shot the other duck an exasperated glance. The rope snapped and the duck fell to the ground with a loud thump.
“Uh, sorry,” the duck said. “Thank you, though.”
“No matter,” Darkwing said, annoyed. “So, what’s your name?”
“Launchpad,” Launchpad replied. “And you are the legendary Darkwing Duck?” he asked, eyes wide with awe.
“Well, I don’t know if I would say legendary, just worshipped across the world as the greatest super hero, well, yeah, I guess legendary works,” Darkwing replied.
“Wow, Mr. Darkwing Duck, this is a pleasure! Just think! Darkwing and Launchpad! Friends, partners, sidekicks!” Launchpad exclaimed.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Darkwing said. “I do not have a sidekick! Darkwing Duck works alone. Got that? A-l-o-n-e. Alone. I don’t need help from anyone, got it? No one. Except...”
“Except, what, DW?” Launchpad asked, eagerly.
“Except, well, I have to get to the lighthouse in the center of the maze. Do you know the way?”
“Do I know the way? Oh boy, do I know the way? Do I, well, uh, no.” Launchpad shrugged his shoulders and shook his head in disappointment.
“I thought not. I wonder if anyone knows,” Darkwing said, disappointed.
“Uh, DW, why don’t you ask them?” Launchpad asked. Darkwing turned around and saw two large wooden doors. On the front of the doors were two green duck faces with wild purple hair. The door to the left had lillies growing out of his ears, while the one on the right had a giant tulip bulb shoved in its mouth.
“Bushroot and...Bushroot?” Darkwing asked incredulously. “What are you doing here?”
“Rowraoraowobluhaoroaw,” the Bushroot on the right replied. Launchpad removed the tulip bulb. “I’ve been wondering what I’ve been doing on this door too!” Bushroot exclaimed. “Imagine! Me, on a wooden door! The disgusting irony! I must protect my deciduous brethren from oppression!”
“What? Huh?” the door on the left asked.
“I don’t believe this,” Darkwing mumbled.
“Darkwing! If I had hands, I’d –”
“Huh?” the Bushroot on the left asked again. “Speak up, will you?”
“I’m yelling as loud as I can!” the Bushroot on the right retorted. “You just can’t hear me because you have weeds growing out of your ears!”
“What? Huh? Did he just insult my lilies? These lilies are my friends!”
“Both of you shut up! Now, how do I get through?” Darkwing asked.
“Knock, and the proverbial door will open,” the Bushroot on the right responded. “Duh.”
“Oh,” Darkwing said. He looked around for the tulip bulb. Launchpad handed it to him.
“Funny. It didn’t taste like a coconut,” Launchpad said.
“Come on, open up,” Darkwing shouted to the Bushroot on the right.
“You gotta be kidding me!” Bushroot shouted. “You expect me to put that back in my mouth? Ugghhh!!!”
“Doesn’t want the bulb back in his mouth, eh? Can’t say I blame him,” the Bushroot on the left chimed in.
“I need to knock!” Darkwing said, his tone slightly whiney.
“Uh-uh,” the Bushroot on the right said, through closed lips. Darkwing’s first instinct was to hold Bushroot’s nose, but upon seeing that Bushroot didn’t have a nose, he just waited. Bushroot’s cheeks filled with air, and he began to turn blue. Finally, when he gasped for breath, Darkwing shoved the tulip bulb into his mouth.
“Okay,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Hey! How am I supposed to knock with a tulip bulb or a lily?”
“Rus roar rands, rurid,” the Bushroot on the right said.
“Huh?” Launchpad asked.
“He said, ‘Use your hands, stupid,’” the Bushroot on the left replied. “Gosh, even I know that!”
“Oh,” Launchpad said.
Darkwing reached out and rapped on the door on the right. Immediately it swung open, and Darkwing and Launchpad walked through. They found themselves in a dark forest, dimly lit by a pale gold light. Launchpad hesitated.
“Well, come on, Launchpad,” Darkwing said, beckoning him forward. The door swung closed behind them. “See, Launchpad. This isn’t so bad. We’ll be out of here in no time.” Launchpad stepped through the doorway and immediately fell through the ground. “Launchpad?” Darkwing asked, not hearing a response. “Launchpad, where are you?”
Heron had made her way through the bushes into a small courtyard, where stone statues of old computers and lamps were crumbling apart. She was grumbling to herself inaudibly over her notebook.
“Heron!”
Heron looked up. Megavolt was sitting on a rock, and looking somewhat dignified in an elaborately decorated blue kimono. Heron was too startled to laugh.
“Your Majesty!”
“Just where...are you...going?” Megavolt asked, emphasizing every syllable.
“Launchpad!” Heron heard in the distance.
“Er, well, the duck lost me, but I hear him again now, so I was just about to take him back to the beginning of the maze, just like you ordered.”
“Ah, I see,” Megavolt said, his face relaxing into a smile. “I suppose after my threat it would be horribly dumb of you to disobey me now, wouldn’t it?”
“You’re darn right it would! Whatever in God’s name would possess me to do such a stupid thing like that? Help him, after your threats! Ha ha ha –”
“Oh no, poor Harry!”
“Heron!”
“I’ve just noticed your notebook’s missing!”
“Ah yes, so it is! My notebook! Fark! Ughh...gotta find it. But first, I’m off to lead the duck back to the beginning, like you told me,” she said.
“No, wait! I’ve got a much better idea, Heron! Give him this.” Megavolt tossed her a light bulb. When it landed in her hand, it turned into an apple.
“Uh, what is it?”
“It’s an apple, stupid,” Megavolt said. “Boy, you’re not too bright, are you?”
“No, I mean, it’s not going to hurt him, is it?” Heron said.
“Why Heron, I didn’t know you cared!”
“I don’t!” Heron snapped back. “Ugghhh, that arrogant, pigheaded, rude, obnoxious, notebook-stealing braggart, I mean, uh, I just don’t want to see him get hurt, that’s all,” Heron said.
“I wouldn’t worry about him if I were you. But if you don’t give it to him, I’ll throw you straight into the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk in less time than it takes the Hollins University computer network to break down!”
Heron jumped back. “Yeah, okay,” she sighed reluctantly.
“Oh, and Heron,” Megavolt began.
“Yes?”
“If he ever hits you, I’ll turn you into a princess.”
“Oh, God, please don’t,” Heron said.
“Princess of the Land of Smelly Gunk! Ha ha ha ha ha...”
“Launchpad!” Darkwing called, back at the forest. He looked around him. The land was strangely quiet. Suddenly, he felt a drop of water on his back. He turned around to see a strange dog made out of water. “The Liquidator!” he shouted. Before his eyes, the Liquidator melted, and out of the pool of water two Liquidator dogs emerged, then two more. Before he knew it, he was surrounded by Liquidator dogs, throwing their eyes and hands and heads back and forth from one two another.
“I am the terror – ” Darkwing began, but he was interrupted by strange music. Then the Liquidators began to sing:
When the tide goes out (tide goes out)
The rivers overflow (overflow)
The brothers come round (brothers come round)
Our true colors show (true colors show)
I shake my big ol’ floppy head (shake my floppy head)
Tap my pretty big ol’ feet (tap my pretty feet)
And wetter than oceans
Cooler than ice cubes
Spinning like a whirlpool – woo!
Don’t got no problems (no problems)
Ain’t got no hair dryer (no hair dryer)
Ain’t got no droughts to worry about (no droughts to worry about)
Ain’t got no clothes dryers or paper towels or junk like that or anything else (ain’t got no hairdryers –)
I’ll just throw in my hand (throw in his hand)
We’re the chilliest bunch in the land (in the land)
They don’t look much
They’re so chilly-chilly
They’re positively drenched, though, ha!
Chilly down with the Water Gang!
Boil freeze with the Water Gang!
Hang loose with the Water Gang!
When your day gets dry, chilly down,
Chilly down with the Water Gang
Expand with the Water Gang
Condense with the Water Gang
When your day gets dry
Chilly down, chilly down.
Wet and sticky
Buddy Licky
Cool flowin’
Easy goin’
Water polo
Loose controlo
Han Solo
Eats rolos.
Dripping, slurping, flowing, swimming
Now the fun is just beginning
With that nasty sex-appeal
Can you dig our groovy feeling?
So when things get too hot (get too hot)
And you need some cooling off (cooling off)
And even wet feels dry (wet feels dry)
Bad luck...
We can show you a good time (show you a good time)
And we don’t charge nothing (nothing, nothing)
Just strut your nasty stuff
Wiggle in the middle, yeah
Get yourself a shower, Water Gang
Chilly down with the Water Gang!
Boil freeze with the Water Gang!
Hang loose with the Water Gang!
When your day gets dry, chilly down,
Chilly down with the Water Gang
Expand with the Water Gang
Condense with the Water Gang
When your day gets dry
Chilly down, chilly down...
They kept dancing and singing and exchanging random body parts made of liquid. Large blue floppy ears flew across the air and landed in puddles, slithering up the bodies of the Liquidator dogs until they reached their heads. They played catch with their heads and merged into and out of each other in a big, watery mess. Darkwing watched in fascinated horror and amusement. The creepy, out-of-nowhere background music didn’t stop when they had finished singing, so they kept right on dancing. Finally, one of the Liquidators, who appeared to be the ringleader of the gang, began splashing Darkwing in the face.
“Lets just drown him!” he shouted.
“Yeah, drown him!” another shouted.
“Ducks can swim, can’t they?”
“Of course they can! So he wouldn’t mind being drowned...”
Darkwing began to splash through them, putting his hands through their heads and splashing their bodies as much as he could. This ticked the Liquidators off to no end, and they started to shout. Darkwing ran.
“Hey, come back here,” one of the Liquidators shouted.
“You can’t splash us like that! It’s against the rules!”
“Yeah, you’re only allowed to splash yourself!”
“Hey that’s right!”
“Yeah, we should drown you!”
“Hey, I know, we should drown you!”
“Drown the duck! Drown the duck!” They kept chanting as Darkwing ran, dodging pitfalls and ducking under the hanging branches. Finally he reached a wall and began to panic, when all of a sudden, he heard a familiar voice.
“Darkwing!” He looked up to see Heron Quirk holding a long rope. “Grab the rope, stupid,” she shouted. Darkwing obeyed. The Liquidators were hot on his trail, bouncing up and down all around him. When Darkwing had a firm grasp on the rope, Heron pulled him up swiftly, without a struggle. The Liquidators grumbled among themselves and finally went away.
“Heron?” Darkwing asked.
“Well, duh,” Heron replied, a little peeved.
“Heron, you came back!” Darkwing appeared overjoyed for a split second, until he regained control of himself. He began to glare at Heron. “You, you abandoned me,” he shouted. He raised his hand behind him, about to slap her.
“No, don’t hit me! Don’t hit – ”
His hand came down on her face, hurting the former much more than the latter.
“That was a dumb thing to do, Darkwing,” Heron muttered under her breath.
Immediately the floor gave way beneath them, and they both began tumbling downward. They rolled over each other, until finally they grasped a hold of the wall. Heron was dangling over the edge, hanging onto a slowly crumbling wall, while Darkwing clung to a tree branch sticking out of the wall. Darkwing recovered his balance and struggled to pull Heron up.
“You idiot!” Heron shouted. “What did you have to go and do a stupid thing like that for?”
“What?” Darkwing asked. “You mean pull you up? I could knock you back over if you want.”
“No, you smacked me,” Heron replied. “We wouldn’t be in this situation if –”
“Oh my God! What is that smell?!” Darkwing interrupted.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! It’s the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk!” Heron groaned, disgusted.
The thick odor had become unbearable, and Darkwing and Heron were holding their breath in nauseating agony. Beneath them, the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk bubbled and churned. It was a horrible swamp green color, erupting every few minutes in disgusting sounds of flatulence.
“I’ve never…this is the worst…”Darkwing began.
“It’s the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk! Ugghh!” Heron shouted. She and Darkwing edged their ways tentatively along the stone wall.
*Blurp Blureop*
“You can’t run away, suddenly show up again, save my life and expect everything to be okay!” Darkwing yelled, accusingly.
“Boy, you are hard to please! My God! Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t come here for you. I just came to get my notebook back! In exchange for…for…”
“For what?” Just as Darkwing asked, the ledge gave way beneath them, and he and Heron were tumbling down. They landed in a pile of rocks and dust, just on the shore by the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk.
“DW!”
Darkwing turned around. “Launchpad!” he shouted, happily. Darkwing looked around. “Did Heron run out on us again?”
“Get off of me!” Heron shouted, her legs kicking under Launchpad’s body. She wrestled him off of her, and Launchpad landed flat on his back beside her. “Oh, sorry dude,” Heron said.
“No problem,” Launchpad replied. “I’m Launchpad.”
“Heron, charmed,” Heron said quickly. “Listen, could we just refrain from the formalities?”
“Huh?” Launchpad asked.
“We’ve gotta get out of this stench!” Darkwing shouted.
“Yeah, besides which, it smells pretty bad around here,” Launchpad said.
“Boy, he’s a bright one,” Heron muttered under her breath.
*Blurp Bleep Bulloop.*
“Come on! We have to think of a way out of here,” Darkwing exclaimed.
“Uh, how about that bridge over there, DW?” Launchpad asked, pointing toward an old wooden bridge that looked as if it would fall apart immediately once stepped on.
“Great! Let’s go!” Heron said, leading the way.
*Blurp Beeloop Bulluhwhoop Blaat.*
They reached the bridge quickly, Heron in front with the rest of them close behind her. Just as she was about to step foot onto the bridge, the most bizarre creature she had ever seen appeared before her.
“Halt! Who goes there?” the creature demanded in an extremely obnoxious voice.
It was difficult to tell exactly what this thing was, since it was covered in a bizarre metallic armor. Its beak and hands were exposed, resembling a duck, but the rest of it was covered head to toe. It road on a unicycle and looked as if it were in constant danger of toppling over. Attached to its armor were hundreds of random gadgets. It was the most ridiculous sight Heron had ever seen.
“Please,” she answered, “we need to get across.”
“Without my permission, no one may cross!” the duck-like creature responded.
“We have to get away from this Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk!” Darkwing replied.
“Smell? But why wouldst thou insulteth such wonderful aroma as this?”
“You gotta be kidding!” Heron cried.
“Smelly. Very Smelly.” Launchpad groaned.
“But I pride myself on my sense of smell,” the creature protested. “Ah. The fragrant scent of swamp air, wafting on the breeze. Soothing, mesmerizing, and none may pass without my permission!”
“Oh, out of my way!” Heron yelled, annoyed. She brushed past him and darted across the bridge.
“Thou hast invoked the wrath of the mighty gods of the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk!” the creature shouted at Heron. “I, Gizmoduck, shall have my revenge!”
“That smell!” Launchpad cried again, unable to take any more. In a flash he jumped on Gizmoduck. They wrestled to the ground. Gizmoduck fiddled around his suit for random weapons, but ended up with only a feather duster and a toothbrush. Finally, Launchpad hurled him away from the bridge.
Gizmoduck rubbed his head and sprang back in front of him. “By my gears and gizmos!” he exclaimed, flabbergasted. “Upon my soul, until this day, never have I seen so valiant a warrior! What is your name, young knight?”
“He’s Launchpad,” Darkwing replied.
“Well, Sir Launchpad, if that be your true name, upon this day, you have bested me in a battle of strength and wit. I deeply revere you and, since you are so formidable an enemy, I hereby do wish to amend any of my wrongs. Come, let us be brothers henceforth.”
“Finally!” Darkwing exclaimed, exasperated. He prepared to cross the bridge.
“Wait!” Gizmoduck replied. “I am afraid I cannot let you pass.”
“But you just said Launchpad was your brother!” Darkwing retorted.
“I have sworn an oath! I must defend it to my death!” Gizmoduck exclaimed.
“Okay, okay, lets just be reasonable,” Darkwing said, taking a deep breath. “What, exactly, have you vowed?”
“I have vowed, on my life and honor, that no one may pass this way, without my permission.”
“Well,” Darkwing answered, “may we have your permission?”
Gizmoduck looked puzzled, as if the thought of someone actually asking had never occurred to him. He contemplated the matter for a while. Finally he looked up and said, simply, “Yes.”
“Thank you, oh honorable one,” Darkwing said with caustic sarcasm.
“Sir,” Gizmoduck said, bowing.
*Blurp Beeloop Bulluhhppp.*
Darkwing made his way carefully across the bridge. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” he muttered under his breath.
“Fear not, noble gentleman! This bridge has lasted for over a thousand years!” Gizmoduck said, tapping the wooden boards with a stick. At that moment, the bridge suddenly gave way and broke apart, falling with a splash into the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk.
Darkwing clung to a hanging vine. “Help!” he screamed, holding on for dear life. “Help!”
“DW!” Launchpad called out.
“Well, it seemed solid enough,” Gizmoduck said, shaking his head.
“Don’t just stand there! Do something! Help me!” Darkwing shouted.
*Bleep blat blitter blot.* They all looked down to see something swimming just below the surface of the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk. Darkwing gasped as he saw a blue fish immerge from the swampy water. “Neptunia?” Darkwing cried.
“You know this fish, DW?” Launchpad asked.
“Ya darn right he knows me!” Neptunia shouted, angrily.
“Neptunia! How about a lift, huh?” Darkwing asked.
“Ha! Why should I help you? It’s because of you and all you land-lubbers that I’m stuck in this mess! Air and water pollution…look what this has come to! My home! My, my beautiful home! You ruined my home!”
“Gee, I’m sorry – ” Launchpad began.
“You better be sorry, Buster!” Neptunia snapped.
“Fair icthius maiden creature! Whatever wrongs we’ve committed we shall amend in full, for a small ride across this swamp,” Gizmoduck offered.
“Not on your life, buddy. This is an outrage! I will sue the author of this fic who dared to put me in the Pit of Really Really Really Really Smelly Gunk!” Neptunia shouted, swimming away.
“Well, that certainly could have gone better,” Gizmoduck muttered.
“Help me! Somebody help me!” Darkwing cried.
“I’m sick of this! DW’s in trouble!” Launchpad cried out. He let out a roar and then turned himself into an airplane.
“Sir Launchpad! Dust thou hath the power to turn thyself into an avian creature of the sky?” Gizmoduck exclaimed, flabbergasted.
“Uh, I’m just an airplane,” Launchpad replied. “Climb on.”
“Wait a second,” Gizmoduck exclaimed. “Tuskernini! Tuskernini!” A large white dog, resembling Honker, poked his head out from behind a bush. “It’s alright, Tuskernini, you can come out now. They’re our friends.” The dog came bounding out happily, and they all climbed onto Launchpad’s back. Launchpad took off and flew under Darkwing’s back, who immediately dropped on top of him. They flew quickly to the other side of the Pit, where Heron was waiting for them, and landed safely on the other side. Launchpad let them off and quickly turned back into a duck.
“Remind me to speak with you about your timing,” Darkwing said to Launchpad under his breath.
“Let’s get out of here!” Heron exclaimed. The five of them, including Tuskernini, walked quickly away from the Pit.
*Blurp Bubble Blop.*
Night was rapidly descending on the weary travelers, and the forest was growing dark. The five of them wandered along, tired and grumpy, grumbling to themselves. They were all starving.
“Is that my stomach or yours, Tuskernini?” Gizmoduck murmured as they walked along.
Megavolt was relaxing in an easy chair back at the lighthouse, surrounded by his bunnies and Gosalyn, who by this time was getting quite fed up.
“Either give me my superpowers or let me go!” she screamed.
“Patience, patience,” Megavolt said with an evil grin. “Darkwing’s going to so much trouble over you, but not for long. As soon as Heron gives her that apple, he’ll forget everything.”
Back in the woods, Darkwing cursed his hunger. “I’m famished,” he said, sitting down for a second.
“Yeah, me too, DW,” Launchpad said. Launchpad and the others walked on ahead slowly, looking around for something to eat. Darkwing and Heron lagged behind.
“Uh, Darkwing, I grabbed a bite to eat when I went away. Brought something back for you,” Heron said. She handed him the apple.
“Heron! Thank you!” Darkwing exclaimed. He sunk his teeth into the apple. “Wait a minute. This tastes funky,” he said. Heron began to tremble. Suddenly a spark, like an electric current, ran through Darkwing. He trembled as if he were being electrocuted and then fell to the ground.
“Darn you, Megavolt!” Heron exclaimed. “And darn me, too!”
“Ah, my precious, precious light bulbs,” Megavolt mused. He spun them around in his hands and let them fly out the window of the lighthouse. They swirled and floated through the air, the last one expanding to encompass Darkwing as he lay dreaming. Again strange music came from out of nowhere, and he began to hear:
“You’re such a strange rat
Whatever you are
A kind of weird thing
In a pink dress
With freaky eyes
I’ll place light bulbs
Within your eyes
You’re such a strange duck
How does it feel
To fall down brain-dead
Wearing high heels
On your webbed feet
I’ll make minced meat
Of your webbed feet
As the song goes on
You know something’s wrong
The lyrics seem to lack
We need David Bowie back
But he’s not there for you
As the lights burn out
We’re pulling...
Pulling
Pulling the plug
I’ll fry your mind with my hands
With my electric fingers
I’ll make you a madman
By burning the cells within your brain
You’ll go insane
Within your brain...
As the song goes on
You know something’s wrong
The lyrics seem to lack
We need David Bowie back
But he’s not there for you
As the lights burn out
We’re pulling...
Pulling
Pulling the plug...
Darkwing looked around, and all he could see was bunnies in glittery masks, like Beatrice Potter goes to Mardi Gras. The room glistened with shrines to light bulbs and toaster ovens everywhere he looked. Darkwing felt drugged and dizzy as the room spun around him. His hand reached down and to his surprise felt silky chiffon fabric. He glanced down, glanced back up again, his eye meeting Megavolt’s for the first time.
“Aaaahhh!” Megavolt and Darkwing screamed simultaneously.
“Why am I wearing a dress?!?” Darkwing exclaimed, in frantic horror.
“My magic did this?” Megavolt exclaimed. “Blech!”
“Now wait just a minute...” Darkwing began to protest.
“You look hideous!” Megavolt went on, ignoring Darkwing. “You don’t pull off the evening gown look at all. It clashes with your mask.”
“Well, you should talk... you’re in a tutu!”
“And I look magnificent. You, you just look, scrubby!”
“That’s it!” Darkwing reached out for Megavolt, about to strangle him. Megavolt sent a bolt of lightning in Darkwing’s direction; Darkwing ducked and grabbed a chair. He hurled it in Megavolt’s direction; Megavolt ducked. It struck the glass of the light bulb, which shattered immediately upon impact.
“Noooo! Not my light bulb!” Megavolt shrieked.
It was too late; pieces of glass exploded all around him. Gravity disappeared, and the bunnies began to float in the air. Darkwing felt himself slowly falling, then faster and faster, until he landed in a junk pile.
Darkwing rubbed his head and looked around him. He was wearing his Darkwing duck outfit again, but he even recognize it. He looked at the apple in his hand. A half-bitten computer microchip was lying in the center, little sparks still flying from it. Darkwing thought he was going to be sick and hurled it away from him. He got up to leave, trudging his way through old, torn boots, half-eaten food, old papers and clothes and appliances. It was a filthy place, with brown smog polluting the atmosphere, and Darkwing began to cough from the thick musky stench permeating the air. The clouds overhead hung low and ominously. He took a step forward and bumped into someone.
“Why don’t you look – oh, my, I beg your pardon.”
Darkwing turned to see who had spoken and almost gasped in amazement. Wearing a long, tight black red-collared dress which covered a thin but voluptuous body was the most beautiful duck he had ever seen. She had a Bride-of-Frankenstein haircut that framed her perfectly smooth face, enchanting eyes, and soft, pouting lips.
She stared at Darkwing intensely. “I’m Morgana,” she said in a low, sexy voice. “And where are you going this fine evening, handsome?”
“I, I don’t know,” Darkwing admitted.
“Well, I admire your spontaneity,” Morgana whispered. “You wouldn’t happen to be the world-renowned Drake Mallard, would you?”
“Why yes, yes I am,” Darkwing said, forgetting to protect his heroic identity, since he had quite forgotten that he was a hero.
“Well, Drake, darling,” Morgana began enticingly, “I know the perfect place where we can go.” She led the un-objecting Darkwing through the junk pile a short distance until she came to a small door. “I’m sure you’ll find everything, and I do mean everything your heart desires, right in here,” she said. She opened the door.
Darkwing stared at his old room.
His bed was just as he had left it, made up with his Darkwing sheets and pillows. His “Terror that Flaps in the Night” poster still hung on the wall, and on the floor he saw his favorite giant DW plushie. He grasped it in his arms and held it tightly to his chest.
“You were looking for that, weren’t you, Drakey?” Morgana asked seductively.
“Yes. I had forgotten,” Darkwing said stupidly, his eyes glazed over as if he had just woken up from a long, marijuana-induced dream.
“Now, I know plenty of other things that will make you very happy,” Morgana whispered. Darkwing sat down at his vanity (yes, of course Darkwing had a vanity), and looked at himself starry-eyed in the mirror, while Morgana heaped random memorabilia upon him from his past. “Here you are,” she said, handing him his old pass from math class, his hall monitor badge, his certificate from the AV squad, his old school newspaper and his yearbook. He flipped through the pages as Morgana kept piling his past on top of him. “Here, you never wanted to forget these, did you?” she asked as she handed him photographs of pictures of him on a playground as a little boy with a rat-weasel creature. He turned them over. “Drake Mallard and Elmo Sputterspark, First grade, 1968,” they were labeled. His past began to come back to him. “And these,” Morgana said. “You must have accidentally burned them, but they remained almost perfectly intact,” Morgana said, handing him some old “Kick-me” signs that were brown and torn around the edges.
“Hey!” Darkwing shouted, offended.
“Oh, Drake!” Morgana exclaimed, letting the rest of the items in her hands fall to the floor. “I want you so badly!” She advanced toward him. He shrank back. “Your beautiful beak, your adorable outfit, your cute little white tail!” she said. “Your mesmerizing eyes, your bewitching webbed feet, the way your beak trembles, your handsome chin, your gorgeous feathers. You’re so perfectly white, so manly, so attractive. You make my feathers quiver, my beak tremble, my heart pound. You great big studly sexy hunk of mallard! I just have to have you for my best friend!”
Darkwing gasped and leaped back in shock, bumping his head on the vanity. He reached for his Masked Mallard of Saint Canard comic book. “There w-was s-something I was l-looking f-for,” he stuttered nervously.
Morgana looked uncomfortable. “Forget about it, Drake, darling,” she coaxed sweetly, but he didn’t listen.
“Through perils innumerable, and battling villains for entire half-hours at a time, I have fought my way here to the lighthouse beyond the Cute Little Lost Bunny City, to take back my daughter, whom you have stolen,” Darkwing read from his book.
“Forget that book and run away with me!” Morgana exclaimed.
“No, you vicious, make-up abusing slut!” Darkwing shouted, remembering himself. Morgana leaped back in horror. “I have to save Gosalyn!” He thrust a lamp through the mirror, and suddenly the walls of his room came tumbling down. Morgana shrieked and faded away behind him as he fell out into the dark woods again. He landed with a thud on top of Launchpad.
“I say, Darkwing Sir, you gave us all quite a jolt!” Gizmoduck exclaimed.
“Uh, yeah, DW, where were you?” Launchpad asked, scratching his head. Tuskernini looked on in the background, shivering.
“It doesn’t matter now!” Darkwing exclaimed. “We have to save Gosalyn?”
“Gosalyn? What lovely damsel in distress be this Gosalyn? So fair a maiden to capture the heart of the valiant Sir Darkwing,” Gizmoduck began.
“Uh, I hate to interrupt, but the lighthouse is just over that way, DW,” Launchpad said.
“I see it!” Gizmoduck said. “Come on, let’s hurry!”
“Yes, let’s run!” Darkwing exclaimed.
You’re out of the woods
You’re out of the dark
You’re out of the night
Step into the sun
Step into the light
Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place
On the Face of the Earth or the sky
Hold onto your breath
Hold onto your heart
Hold onto your hope
March up to the gate and bid it open
Open
“Oh darn! A guard!” Darkwing whispered as they came to the gate to the Cute Little Lost Bunny City. Indeed there was a guard there. He was ugly and pudgy, and Darkwing recognized him immediately. Rarely had he dealt with such horrible villains. He would have to proceed with caution. “Tank!” he whispered. “We must go quietly!”
“Rmorouaroff,” Tank muttered in his sleep.
“Hmph! What arrogance hath this guard, to think that he can deny us access to the Cute Little Lost Bunny City! We will not be conquered by so small a foe! I, Gizmoduck, shall vanquish the enemy!” Gizmoduck exclaimed.
“No!” Darkwing hissed. “You idiot. We must proceed with caution.”
“Well, for you good brother, I will hearken to thy plea, but, I am a valiant duck, am I not?”
“Well, you’re a moron,” Darkwing agreed.
“And, my sense of smell is unique, is it not?”
“It is certainly different – ”
“And I shall fight anyone, anywhere, any place, any time –”
“No! Now hush!” Darkwing chastised. “How are we going to get past these doors?”
“Rowarf,” Tank snored. Tuskernini shivered behind Gizmoduck.
“Uh, does this help, DW?” Launchpad asked, thrusting the doors open with his bulk. The four of them walked through the gates, which shut immediately behind them.
“I think we’re going to make it!” Darkwing exclaimed.
Just as he said that, the gates ahead of them shut, the two haves coming together to form the metallic mechanical suit of an evil monster. Darkwing could see that the head inside of it was his old nemesis, Taurus Bulba! Taurus Bulba sneered at the trembling group and began to chant “Who goes,” over and over. He stepped forward out of the doorframe, red eyes blazing. “Who goes?” he chanted again.
“Uh, D...W..., w-what is that thing?” Launchpad asked, his eyes never leaving the monster.
“That,” Darkwing said, trembling, “is one ugly bad guy.”
“Who goes?”
“Ah-ha! Thou perceiveth that thou canst conquer the likes of Gizmoduck? I will not be defeated so easily!” Gizmoduck charged at the monster, who picked up an ax and began to swing. Gizmoduck jumped back just in time.
“Who goes?”
“Thou thinkest thou canst crush me so easily! I’ll summon my beast to slaughter thee! Come out, Tuskernini!” Gizmoduck exclaimed. Tuskernini shuddered and hid behind Launchpad. Behind the group, metallic spikes suddenly came up from the floor.
“I don’t like the look of this,” Darkwing murmured.
“Who goes?!”
“All right, that’s enough!” Darkwing, Gizmoduck, Launchpad and Tuskernini looked up to see Heron Quirk, perched triumphantly on the wall. “I won’t let you kill them!” she shouted, diving onto the monster’s mechanical body. She ripped the head off of it and hurled it to the ground. A hideous moss green bunny with a bull face was working the controls. “Oh, get out of there!” Heron groaned, wrestling Taurus Bulba away from the controls and flinging him to the dusty floor.
Taurus Bulba rubbed his horns and began to moan in pain. “That wasn’t very nice,” he said, as he got up and ran quickly away.
“Grrr...I should have gotten my license,” Heron muttered. “How do you drive this thing?” The ax was swinging in every direction.
“Stop the ax!” Darkwing shouted.
“I’m trying!” Heron screamed back. She pushed a random button and tugged at a random lever. The ax got stuck in the wall. Suddenly sparks began to fly out of the top of the mechanical monster.
“Get out of there, Heron,” Darkwing shouted.
“Arrgghh!” Heron screamed. “Geronimo!” She jumped out of the top of the machine just as it exploded and landed on the ground. She rubbed her head and got up. Darkwing, Launchpad, Gizmoduck and Tuskernini were standing over her. “I’m not apologizing. I’m don’t feel guilty for anything I’ve done. Megavolt made me give you that apple. And anyway, I don’t want to be your friend,” she said to Darkwing.
“I, oh, (*gulp*), this isn’t easy for me,” Darkwing began. “I forg-g-give, you, Heron,” Darkwing blurted out.
“You, you do?” Heron asked, looking amazed.
“And I declare that your courage today has seldom been matched, except by me, of course,” Gizmoduck said. “You are a brave bird, Lady Heron.”
“Don’t call me lady. But, thank you,” Heron said.
“Heron and Launchpad friends,” Launchpad said.
“We, we are?” Heron asked.
“Here’s your notebook back, Heron,” Darkwing said, drawing the notebook from his pocket and handing it to her.
Heron took it and smiled at Darkwing. “Well, what are we waiting for?” she exclaimed. “Let’s go get that rat who calls himself Megavolt!”
“Right!” Darkwing exclaimed. The five of them got up and charged through the gates.
Comfortably perched in a chair, wearing a short, tight black dress, Megavolt was stroking a light bulb. Gosalyn sat in the corner, by this time extremely fed up and not even sure if super powers were worth all this boredom. The lost bunnies were driving her insane.
“Don’t you want to play tea party with us, Gosalyn,” they said.
“Come play dollies with us,” others taunted.
“Gosalyn, Gosalyn, don’t you want to play dress up?” they coaxed her.
“Shut up and get a life,” she screamed back, kicking and screaming all alone in the corner.
Megavolt ignored her. “Ah, my precious, precious light bulb. Your burning filament is the apple of my eye, your sweet glow lights my soul – ”
“Your Majesty!” Megavolt turned. Out of nowhere a chorus started to fill the air, and a chihuahua-faced bunny immerged.
She is a bunny
She is a bunny
Bu-uh-nny!
Bu-uh-nny!
She is a bunny
She is a bunny
Bu-uh-nny!
“Who dares disturb me in my intimate light bulb moments?” Megavolt shouted.
“It is I, Gingko Biloba, Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night!”
She is a bunny
She is a bunny
Bu-uh-nny!
Bu-uh-nny!
“Well, what is it?” Megavolt asked.
“My Dark Powers inform me that something dreadful has happened!” Gingko cried.
“Hey, Bunny Gingko, why don’t you come over here?” a suave gangster voice said.
“Not now, Bunny Steelbeak!” Ginko cried. “Do not disturb the Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night while she is having a vision.”
She is a bunny
She is a bunny
“Get on with it,” Megavolt said, having calmed down a bit.
“Well, the duck,” Gingko began.
“What of him?” Megavolt asked.
“He’s – he’s here with a strange mechanical thing and a dog and the bird that works for you!”
“What?!” Megavolt screamed.
“They got through the gates and they’re on the way to the lighthouse!”
“Stop them!” Megavolt cried. “Call out the guards! Take Gosalyn and hide her!” The bunnies came and grabbed Gosalyn, hopping away with her.
“Hey! Let me go! Put me down!” Gosalyn shouted.
“He must be stopped!” Megavolt shouted. Alarms rang out all over the place, sending the signal to all the Cute Little Lost Bunnies to prepare for a fight. They came out of everywhere, prepared to serve their leader.
“Hey, Bunny Gingko, Sugar Cakes,” Bunny Steelbeak said. “Don’t you wanna gimme a kiss goodbye before I go out there to protect you?”
“Eat my whiskers!” Gingko Biloba cried.
“What a gal!” Bunny Steelbeak mused to himself.
Darkwing and the gang walked along through the Little Lost Bunny City. By now it was morning, in full, bright daylight, and the little houses looked like something out of “Candyland” or “Hansel and Gretel.” There were tall trees and lots of grass, flowers, and clover patches. Merry-go-rounds and Ferris wheels were everywhere, like a little carnival. Happy music was playing, but there was no sign of life anywhere.
“Well, this isn’t so bad,” Gizmoduck said.
“Yeah, DW. That’s the lighthouse straight ahead. I think we’re going to make it.”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Heron muttered, her arms folded and tapping her elbows with her feathers.
Just as she had said that, the bunnies appeared from everywhere. They hopped out of houses, from behind trees and in the branches, and from under and over the merry-go-round. They jumped out from the tall grasses and leapt out from their front porches. A pile of them jumped off the Ferris-wheel together and began to surround the group on all sides. Darkwing and the others backed up, Tuskernini trembling and shaking all over.
“Come play with us,” the bunnies began to chant. Some were holding tea parties, others were in groups playing Dress-Up and Doctor, still others were dancing and singing on the merry-go-round or riding the horses on the carousel.
“Oh, fark,” Heron said under her breath.
“Uh – uh, what do we do now, DW?” Launchpad asked. Darkwing looked dumbfounded. All of a sudden, he got swept away by an army of bunnies, taking him to a corner to torture him with slides from their recent movie.
“DW!” Launchpad cried. The bunnies grabbed him and forced him over to the merry-go-round, spinning him around and around until he was dizzy.
Heron was fighting her way through the bunnies all around her, who were trying to force her into a dress. “No!” she screamed, kicking them away from her. They went flying in all directions.
“Come on, you’ll look so adorable!” the bunnies cried.
“I don’t think so, you hair-brained fluff balls!” she shouted back, shoving her way around them and hurling those that stood in her way through the air.
Gizmoduck and Tuskernini had made their way into the heart of the village, surrounded by gingerbread houses with candy cane fences. A group of bunnies surrounded them, and Tuskernini was running away for his life.
“Tuskernini, you coward!” Gizmoduck reprimanded, angrily, as Tuskernini hid behind a wall.
“Come on, come sing happy songs with us!” the bunnies began to chant. Tuskernini shivered.
“Tuskernini, come out at once!” Gizmoduck demanded.
“Smile, darn ya, smile
You know this whole world is a great world after all!”
the bunnies began to sing.
“Will you please come out, Tuskernini? You are embarrassing me!” Tuskernini shook his head.
“Smile, darn ya, smile...
“Tuskernini, if you don’t come out here this instant, I will never feed you, again!” Gizmoduck exclaimed.
Tuskernini came out shivering and whimpering.
“Now, that’s a good dog,” Gizmoduck said, patting him on the head.
“Come on, sing with us,” the bunnies began to whine.
“It’s alright, Tuskernini; we have them surrounded,” Gizmoduck said, triumphantly. The bunnies began to close in on them.
“Look out!” a voice shouted. Darkwing came rolling out on a large roll of slide film, knocking the bunnies over like bowling pins. Gizmoduck and Tuskernini made a run for it, following him. On his way past the merry-go-round, Darkwing grabbed Launchpad by the shirt and yanked him off. He fell off the slide projector roll and rubbed his head.
“Gee, thanks, DW!” Launchpad cried, as they picked themselves up and began to run again.
“Look, there’s Heron!” Darkwing shouted, pointing ahead of them. Heron was struggling with the bunnies, who had now hopped all over her and were trying frantically to tie her feathers in purple polka-dotted bows.
“Darkwing! Launchpad! Gizmoduck! Tuskernini!” Heron cried, gratefully. She thrust the bunnies away from her and began to run with the others.
Megavolt watched angrily from his lighthouse window.
“Quick, in here!” Darkwing cried when they had reached the door of an abandoned Cute Little Lost Bunny house. They piled inside, the bunnies closing in around them.
“What are we gonna do, DW?” Launchpad asked, hysterically. “What are we gonna do?”
“I don’t know,” Darkwing answered, most helpfully. All of a sudden they heard music.
She is a bunny
She is a bunny
Bu-uh-nny
Bu-uh-nny
“Oh no! What is that horrible castrated Gregorian monk chorus?” Darkwing cried.
“It is I, Gingko Biloba, Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night!” Gingko cried.
“Uh, DW, ever seen the holy hand grenade scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?” Launchpad asked.
“No,” Darkwing said. “Why?”
“Uh, no reason,” Launchpad said.
At that moment, Bunny Gingko Biloba leapt forward, plunging her razor-sharp teeth into Gizmoduck’s armor, which hurt much more than she expected. He hurled her away, and she immediately leapt onto Heron’s arm.
“Owww!!!” Heron cried, finally shaking her off. She got right back up again and prepared for another attack.
“That’s my girl!” Bunny Steelbeak shouted.
She is a bunny
She is a bunny
Bu-uh-nny!
Bu-uh-nny!
“Launchpad, turn into an airplane,” Darkwing cried.
“Right, DW!” Launchpad cried, turning himself into an airplane. Darkwing, Heron, Gizmoduck and Tuskernini climbed aboard. Launchpad took off, leaving the dumb-founded bunnies behind.
“You won’t get away so easily! I, Gingko Biloba, Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night, summon my Dark Powers to defeat you!” Gingko cried, whistling maliciously at them.
Launchpad ignored her as her chorus faded into the distance. He landed with a crash just outside the lighthouse door. “Ow,” Launchpad said, rubbing his head. “I really have to work on my landing,” he said.
“Wow, we’ve finally made it to the lighthouse,” Darkwing said.
“Yes, and now, our combined forces must join together to foil Megavolt’s evil scheme,” Gizmoduck declaired, triumphantly. “Thou clay-brained guts, thou knot-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene, greasy, tallow-catch!”
“Yeah, let me at him. I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind!” Heron said.
“Try to cross my pal DW, huh?” Launchpad said. “I’ll show you, Megavolt!”
“No!” Darkwing cried. “I-I mean, no,” he said a little more quietly. “I must face Megavolt alone.”
“But why?” Gizmoduck asked.
“Because,” Darkwing said, thinking about it for a moment, “Because that’s the way it’s done,” he said, finally.
“Well, then,” Gizmoduck said, letting Darkwing’s words sink in, “if that is the way it is done, then that is way you must do it. But...should you need us....”
“Yes, should you need us,” Heron said, looking at Darkwing skeptically through her glasses, as if to say “Of course that incompetent duck will need us.” She tapped her fingers on her elbows again.
“I’ll call,” Darkwing said. “Thank you. All of you.” He stared at them for a second, and then turned around and stepped through the doorway and climbed the steps of the lighthouse, without looking back. The door swung shut behind him.
“That,” Heron said, “is one strange duck.”
The steps in the lighthouse went in every direction, up, down, left, right, even upside-down. Darkwing wondered if it would ever end. Finally, he found himself in a very strange room, with paintings of abstract and impressionistic and neo-post-modernistic existentialist art. He walked through the paintings, his body taking on the shape of the style, from cubist to pointalistic. He thought he heard a cackling sound and turned around. There, in the Mona Lisa, was the face of his enemy Splatter Phoenix. He lunged for her, but she didn’t move, as if she were frozen in her own creation. It didn’t matter. She wasn’t the one whom he was after. He looked around. A picture with light bulb eyes began to glow, but he didn’t see it. He wandered through Splatter Phoenix’s artwork, calling out for Megavolt’s name. Suddenly, the light bulbs turned into two beady little eyes, and Megavolt began to emerge from the painting. He crept toward Darkwing, wearing a beautiful gold dress that hung on him elegantly, and for the first time he looked almost intimidating in a dress. Music began to play again, and he sang:
Oh, you piss me off, you stupid duck
You’re really pushing your luck
Nothing I can do gets rid of you
I waste my power for no one
You’ve run so long, you’ve run so far
Your mind can be so dumb
But I shall overcome
Though this battle isn’t done...
“Gosalyn!” Darkwing shouted, spying her in a Renoir-style painting.
“Dad!” she cried.
I have won... Megavolt continued. Live without your blabbering
Live without your fighting
I – I, I can’t survive with you...
Darkwing kept running toward Gosalyn, but when he got to the point where Gosalyn would have been, she wasn’t there. He looked around and found her in a Duchamp “Nude Descending a Staircase-”type painting. (No, it’s NOT dirty!) He looked around. There were no stairs to get to her. He looked around. Finally, when the background music reached its climax, he closed his eyes and jumped.
The room began to spin around, the paintings becoming a jumbled mass of color. Darkwing couldn’t see Gosalyn anywhere as he floated downwards slowly. The paintings were floating around him, paintbrushes and pallets and Splatter Phoenix floating around him as well. Finally Darkwing landed on an empty canvas. He looked around.
The music started up louder than before, and Megavolt appeared out of the mist, his eyes blazing. Darkwing stared at him, no laughter in his face this time. “Give me my daughter,” he said.
“Darkwing, beware,” Megavolt admonished. “I have been generous, up until now. I can be cruel.”
“Generous?” Darkwing asked. “That’s almost funny. What have you done that’s generous?”
“Everything!” Megavolt snapped. “Everything that you have wanted, I have done. You asked the girl be taken; I took her. You laughed at me; I was funny-looking. I have re-ordered time. I have turned the Alternaverse upside-down, and I have done it all for you!”
“The Alternaverse already is upside-down!” Darkwing exclaimed. “Why do you think they call it the Alternaverse?”
“I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me,” Megavolt went on, ignoring Darkwing. “Isn’t that generous?”
“Through perils innumerable, and battling villains for entire half-hours at a time, I have fought my way here to the lighthouse beyond the Cute Little Lost Bunny City, to take back my daughter, whom you have stolen,” Darkwing said.
“Darkwing, stop!” Megavolt shouted. “Wait!” His light bulb appeared in his hands. “Look into my light bulb. You are going blind...” he said, waving his fingers.
“For crime is no match for truth, and evil will never triumph!” Darkwing cried again.
“I ask for so little,” Megavolt said, moving toward him. “Just surrender to me, let me turn you into a light bulb, worship me and I won’t kill you.”
“For crime is no match for truth, evil won’t triumph,” Darkwing murmered. “Darn. That line always stumps me.” He looked into Megavolt’s eyes, time rapidly running out.
“You’re all washed up, Sparky!” he shouted, finally. Megavolt groaned as the clock began to strike thirteen. He lifted his hand, and the light bulb disappeared as Darkwing’s words echoed throughout the Alternaverse: “You’re all washed up, Sparky, Sparky, Sparky...”
Suddenly, rain began to pour down on Megavolt, and he felt himself being shocked. His body jerked and fidgeted. The paintings began to bleed together in a mess of color, floating everywhere. Darkwing felt himself falling, down, down, down...
He landed softly, as if he had never fallen at all, in his own room. The clock on the wall indicated that it was midnight.
Darkwing ran upstairs to Gosalyn’s room to make sure she was there. He found her asleep in bed, obviously worn out from the day she had had. Darkwing leaned over his daughter’s bed and smiled. He saw his giant Darkwing plushie on the floor and placed it beside her pillow.
“Here, Gosalyn,” he whispered. “I’d like DW to belong to you now.” He began to walk back to his room, when he heard the door open.
“Darn traffic jam,” he heard Herb Muddlefoot murmer aloud.
“Oh, my, you mustn’t say the ‘D’-word,” Binky said.
“Oh Drake, Drake-a-roonie, are you home?” Herb called out.
“Yeah! Yes, I’m home,” Darkwing called back, shutting himself up in his room. He flung himself onto the bed, exhausted, and stared up at his “Terror that Flaps in the Night” poster, wondering: “Was it all just a dream? Or a vision?” Suddenly, he heard a voice coming from his poster. He looked up.
“Goodbye, DW,” Launchpad’s face in the picture said sadly.
“And remember, good brother,” Gizmoduck began, “should you need us...”
“Yes,” Heron said, “should you need us? For...any reason at all?”
“I need you Heron,” Darkwing whispered.
“You – you do?” Heron asked.
“I don’t know why, but,” Darkwing began, his voice trembling, “every now and again in my life, for no reason at all...I need you...all of you.”
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Heron asked. Darkwing turned around, and the entire crew from the Alternaverse was dancing in his living room. The music began to blare from the stereo. The Wateries were dancing and throwing their wet ears around, Bunny Gingko Biloba was shaking Bunny Steelbeak off of her, Morgana was trying to make a pass at Darkwing. Launchpad and Gizmoduck and Heron and Tuskernini were standing around chatting, Heron with a coke can in one hand and a notebook tucked under her wing. Bushroot, Quackerjack, Mr. Banana Brain, Eek and Squeak and the entire lost bunny crew were on the floor, playing twister or dancing or making a mess. Darkwing threw his arms around Heron, who shook him off, with a disgusted look on her face, and then threw his arms around Launchpad. Outside his window, the light in the lamppost glowed unusually bright that night.
You remind me of the bulb
What bulb?
The bulb with the power
What power?
Bet you wish you knew
I do
Do you?
Do what?
Remind me of the bulb...
Alternaverse: Part 2: It’s only your brain cells
Won’t miss them at all
Dare to be looney...
No one can blame you
For going insane
From way too much teasing
Revenge sure is pleasing...
Life can’t be easy
It’s not always bright
When nights get too cold and dark
I’ll be your light...
But in the Alternaverse
Appliances rule
In the Alternaverse
Florescent lights of neon blue...
It’s only your brain cells
Won’t miss them at all
Dare to be looney
Alternaverse, Alternaverse...
Sparky, Sparky get me out of here!
What a blinding place this is!
Where the light bulbs rule the land
And nothing’s ever dark again...
Sparky, Sparky, get me out!
No one can blame you
For going insane
From way too much teasing
Revenge sure is pleasing...
But in the Alternaverse
Appliances rule
In the Alternaverse
Florescent lights of neon blue...
It’s only...
It’s only your brain cells
Won’t miss them at all
Dare to be looney
Alternaverse, Alternaverse...
Sparky, Sparky get me out of here!
What a blinding place this is!
Where the light bulbs rule the land
And nothing’s ever dark again...
Sparky, Sparky, get me out of here...
Credits
Cast (In order of appearance)
Darkwing Duck/ Drake Mallard Darkwing Duck/ Drake Mallard
Honker Honker Muddlefoot
Herb Muddlefoot Herb Muddlefoot
Binky MuddlefootBinky Muddlefoot
Gosalyn Mallard Gosalyn Mallard
Cute Little Lost BunniesCute Little Lost Bunnies
The Bunny Queen/ MegavoltMegavolt
Heron QuirkHeron Quirk
WormWorm
DoorsQuakerjack/ Mr. Banana Brain
Helping HandsHelping Hands
False AlarmsMegawatt
Man in HatHerb Muddlefoot
HatBrain-sucking alien from outer-space
LaunchpadLaunchpad
Door KnockersBushroot/ Bushroot
WateriesLiquidator, and Liquidator and...
GizmoduckGizmoduck
TuskerniniTuskernini
Morgana Morgana McCawber
TankTank Muddlefoot
Taurus BulbaTaurus Bulba
Gingko BilobaGingko Biloba
SteelbeakSteelbeak
Splatter PhoenixSplatter Phoenix
“Wait a minute, wait a minute! Stop the fanfic!” An angry disgruntled duck in a yellow suit and a red mask entered the scene, carrying a large chain saw. “You wrote an entire Darkwing/ Labyrinth parody and didn’t even include me, the awesome Negaduck? Now you must feel the wrath of my chain saw as I have decided to destroy your fanfic and all of you with it!” Negaduck cried.
“Uh, dude, you can’t destroy the fanfic. It’s already over, man,” a member of Megawatt said. The bunnies came hopping out and took Negaduck away.
“What the –”
· All songs in this fanfic adapted from Trevor Jones and David Bowie, with the exceptions of:
o “You’re Out of the Woods” from the Wizard of Oz,
o “Smile, Darn Ya, Smile,” from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and
o “She is a Bunny” adapted from the chorus in Escaflowne.
*All songs reproduced or adapted without permission. Apologies to all involved with the originals.
· All characters belong to Walt Disney Pictures, reproduced or adapted without permission, except:
o Heron Quirk, belonging to the Lauderdale, and
o Gingko Biloba, belonging to LL. Reproduced with permission, but apologies are still in order.
*This parody is taken directly from The Labyrinth, a production of the late Jim Henson and the still great
George Lucas. Again, apologies.
· Written and illustrated by Paris.
And now, an exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at the making of Lighthouse, with your host, Nodoff!
Nodoff:
“Yes, it is I, Nodoff, and, unbeknownst to Paris, the author, all her inspiration came from me, for I am the creator of the Alternaverse, otherwise known as Dream World! Now, in this exclusive interview, I will unravel her darkest confessions, her deepest secrets, and plunge into the depths of her very soul! Mwahahahahaaa...”
Paris:
“Uh, dude, chill out. It was only a fic.”
Nodoff:
“Only a fic indeed! And I suppose everyone in it was just a cartoon character! I suppose St. Canard, and Darkwing, and Megavolt, and the entire Alternaverse, aren’t even real! I suppose we were all just characters drawn from Walt Disney!”
Paris:
“Well, you said it, not me.”
Nodoff:
“Right. So, what was your wicked plot behind this parody? To take over the world? Destroy the universe? Turn us all into Cute Little Lost Bunnies?”
Paris:
“Actually, it was just a Christmas present for the Lauderdale.”
Nodoff:
“A likely story! You don’t even celebrate Christmas, Muslim girl!”
Paris:
“Uh, I do sometimes, with my family at home –”
Nodoff:
“Blasphemer!”
Paris:
“Hey!”
Nodoff:
“Isn’t it true that you took immense pleasure in watching Lauderdale writhe and squirm by making her wait months to read this, and torturing her with it while you wrote it?”
Paris:
“Well...”
Nodoff:
“In fact, the psychological damage was so strong that she is suffering from a premature midlife crisis! She is even harboring fantasies that she might be...straight!”
Paris:
“Now that is completely ridiculous!”
Nodoff:
“Oh, is it?”
Paris:
“Yes, it is.”
Nodoff:
“Well, let’s just see what some of your other victims have to say about you. I call to the witness stand Honker Muddlefoot and Tuskernini!”
Paris:
“Oh, Allah, please...”
(Enter Honker and Tuskernini)
Nodoff:
“Welcome, Honker Muddlefoot and Tuskernini! Tell us, what psychological
trauma did you experience as a result of this horrible parody?”
Honker:
“It was awful! I had such long hair, and they made me sleep in the garage!”
Tuskernini:
“A dog! They turned me into a dog! A cowardly dog, at that! Why, my brilliance was not meant for such an insult. That rascal, eater of broken meats, a base, proud, shallow, beggardly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy-worsted stocking knave...and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward –”
Nodoff:
“Okay, enough with the Shakespeare already. There, there, it’s okay, Tuskernini.”
Paris:
“Look, I’m sorry, okay! I needed you both to play dogs!”
Nodoff:
“You stay out of this! You have done quite enough damage already!”
Honker:
“For months afterwards, I kept thinking I was a dog. I went around barking all the time. My parents didn’t know what was wrong with me! The looks I got at school...and now, and now...Gosalyn will never like me again!”
Nodoff:
“But the nightmare doesn’t end there. Let’s bring out Steelbeak, Taurus Bulba, and Gingko Biloba, all of whom this sadistic author turned into bunnies!”
Paris:
“Here we go again...”
Nodoff:
“Welcome, all of you. And what kind of psychological damage did she inflict on you all?”
Gingko Biloba:
“Psychological damage? Are you kidding? I, Gingko Biloba, Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night, do not know the meaning of the words “psychological damage.” Why, I acquired a new dark power, the ability to hop! And I was able to use my dark power of looking out the window to inform Megavolt of the intruders in the castle!”
Steelbeak:
“Hey, Gingko, you looked pretty cute with that bunny tail. Wanna grab a carrot
with me after the interview?”
Gingko Biloba:
“Drop dead, beak boy!”
Taurus Bulba:
*Snore*
Nodoff:
“But we’ve only just begun. Let’s bring out Morgana!”
Paris:
“Oh, now what?”
Nodoff:
“Welcome, Morgana.”
Morgana:
“Delighted to be here, Nod.”
Nodoff:
“Morgana, how did you feel when Darkwing utterly rejected you?”
Morgana:
“I felt...I felt...utterly rejected!”
Nodoff:
“And did you think it really necessary for Darkwing to call you a slut?”
Morgana:
“No, I didn’t, Nodoff.” (Turning to the author) “How dare you put that in there, and make a mockery of my undying love for Darkwing?”
Paris:
“Geeze, I’m sorry, okay?”
Nodoff:
“As well you should be. I invited Bushroot, Quackerjack, and Mr. Banana Brain,
but they were all too upset over being turned into doors to appear on the show.
Bushroot especially is devising a plan to get revenge on you on behalf of his deciduous brethren, as he so eloquently put it. But I did have a chance to meet with the Liquidator. Let’s hear what he has to say. Welcome, Liquidator.”
Liquidator:
“Was I on crack? I would never sing like that in my life! And I can dance so much better than that too! And I would never throw my ears around. Oh, the humanity!”
Nodoff:
“Ah yes, and it goes on. Please welcome Gizmoduck, Launchpad McQuack, and Heron Quirk!”
Paris:
“Allah, Allah, Allah...”
Gizmoduck:
“Well, I thought Paris was a genius, who utterly captured my sheer brilliance and
formidable stage presence.”
Paris:
“Why thank you.”
Nodoff:
“Shut up! Launchpad, how did you feel when this horrible author turned you into
an airplane?”
Launchpad:
“I thought it was pretty cool, actually. I even landed better than I ever have before!”
Paris:
“Why, thank you, Launchpad.”
Nodoff:
“That’s quite enough out of you! Let’s just see what Heron Quirk has to say!”
Heron:
“Darkwing stole my notebook and she did nothing. NOTHING! I could just kill her! And, and...she didn’t make me a villain! The vile shame of it all! Besides, my character wasn’t very believable. I mean, I just suddenly become friends with this Darkwing guy, after he stole my notebook! He stole my notebook! If she had put me in a dress, she would not see the light of day!”
Paris:
“Heron, I’m sorry, okay?!!”
Nodoff:
“Of course it’s not okay! And here to prove it, we have Gosalyn Mallard! Gosalyn, did you have any anxiety over the possibility of being turned into a bunny?”
Gosalyn:
“Did I ever! The thought of being turned into a bunny still plagues me day and night! Being trapped in there with those bunnies for thirteen hours...I thought I was going to go insane. But at least I could still kick them heckafar.
Nodoff:
“Heckafar?”
Gosalyn:
“Hey, this is still a PG fic, right?”
Nodoff:
“Yeah, I guess.”
Paris:
“Come on, Gosalyn. Worse things have happened to you.”
Nodoff:
“As if that weren’t bad enough, we have invited Darkwing Duck to share his ongoing transvestite dilemma. Welcome Darkwing.”
Darkwing:
“I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the earrings that clash with your silk miniskirt. I am Darkwing Duck!”
Nodoff:
“Darkwing, what kind of psychological trauma did you have after the ballroom scene?”
Darkwing:
“Well, it was slow at first, but now I see the true joys of female attire. In fact, I think the real test of a superhero is fighting crime and saving all of St. Canard in heels!”
Nodoff:
“But now, for the one who suffered the most damage of all, the Bunny Queen himself... Megavolt!”
Paris:
“Oh, Allah, help me...”
Nodoff:
“Welcome, Megavolt. Tell me, how did you enjoy all those dresses?”
Megavolt:
“Well, as often as Lauderdale has dressed me up in the past, I still can never get used to it. But Paris...well, she’s just pure evil! ‘Getting in touch with my feminine side.’ Like I would ever say something that cheesy.”
Paris:
“You say things that cheesy all the time!”
Megavolt:
“And, as if this fic weren’t enough, she actually put me in a thong in a song that she wrote! I mean, my God! That woman is horrible!”
Nodoff:
“And, Megavolt, I know this is difficult for you, but please, try to explain the humiliation you felt over being made Bunny Queen.”
Megavolt:
“Oh, it was horrible, Nod. Almost too painful to put into words. Here I am, a super villain, and I have to share a lighthouse with the Cute Little Lost Bunnies?!”
Nodoff:
“But that’s not all. She also electrocuted you, didn’t she?”
Megavolt:
“Yes, she did, come to think of it. That b-”
Paris:
“Careful! Keep it clean!”
Nodoff:
“In fact, the damage you experienced was so great that you quite literally went insane, didn’t you? Now you think you’re in love with electric appliances, and you talk to light bulbs for company, don’t you?”
Paris:
“Hey! That’s not my fault! He did that anyway!”
Megavolt:
“My light bulbs are the only ones that truly understand me.”
Nodoff:
“Well, there you have it. The horrific tragedy of the making of the Lighthouse, all because of this evil author, Par-”
Paris:
“Now wait just a minute! Nodoff, didn’t you say that you were the inspiration behind all of this?”
Nodoff:
“Well, I –”
Heron:
“Hey, that’s right! He did, didn’t he?”
Nodoff:
“You’re not going to believe her over me, are you?”
Launchpad:
“Well, you said it first, Nodoff.”
Gosalyn:
“Let’s get him!”
Darkwing:
“Yeah! Let’s get dangerous! And color coordinated!”
*They all advance on the screaming Nodoff and proceed to beat him up. The End
It was a warm spring evening; the tall grass in St. Canard Central Park swayed in the breeze of the impending storm. The gray clouds ahead rumbled menacingly, allowing only a faint sliver of fading sunlight through. Cloaked in the shadows of the nearby woods, a pair of luminous eyes stared out at the grounds that lay ahead. At once a cloud of grey-violet sulfuric smoke exploded, and a purple-clad figure floated down from the small park bridge overlooking the bubbling creek. 
“You? You’re the...bunny king?” Darkwing asked, his face contorting uncomfortably in a futile effort to keep from laughing. 
“Oh, Drake!” Morgana exclaimed, letting the rest of the items in her hands fall to the floor. “I want you so badly!” She advanced toward him. He shrank back. “Your beautiful beak, your adorable outfit, your cute little white tail!” she said. “Your mesmerizing eyes, your bewitching webbed feet, the way your beak trembles, your handsome chin, your gorgeous feathers. You’re so perfectly white, so manly, so attractive. You make my feathers quiver, my beak tremble, my heart pound. You great big studly sexy hunk of mallard! I just have to have you for my best friend!” 
Darkwing Duck/ Drake Mallard
