Dysfunctional -- Epilogue -- Part 1: X5-121

Disclaimer:  The TV show Dark Angel, all of the characters that appeared on it (Alec, Biggs, Renfro, etc.), and everything else that has to do with the show belong to their respective owners, not to me.  No money is being made off of this fic.  I only own the original characters (Sasha/X5-121, etc.)

Notes:  I’m going to do something slightly different with the two-part epilogue for the fic by writing it in first person P.O.V. This part takes place several weeks after chapter 44, sometime just before chapter 19 of “Together.” Enjoy!

Are there really enough words to describe how I’ve felt since the scummiest place ever known, or rather not known considering that we were a covert op, to mankind went down in flames? Not really. The last few weeks have been ridiculously chaotic in more ways than you can shake a stick at. Running for our lives away from Manticore, moving from place to place to evade any authorities that could be looking for us…just that could drive a person crazy, never mind somebody with my personal collection of issues.

Where am I now? Far from Seattle, that was for sure. My apartment is in some random shitty suburb in Utah between Salt Lake City and Provo. When I got this apartment a few days ago, the day after I’d given myself a name to stick with, which happens to be Sasha if you were wondering, it was the first time since the fire that I had decided to settle down in one place for more than four days at a stretch. Even when 786 and I finally split up about a week after we got over the perimeter fence, I still felt like I had to keep moving. I just…I couldn’t let myself have time to think about 511 or 494. No way.

I got up from where I had been sitting in an armchair in my living room and walked over to the room’s window and perched on the ledge and began to cry. You want to know why I didn’t want to think about the man that I love with all of my heart and the man who’s been my best friend since day one? Because it hurts so damn badly when I do. When I finally stopped and allowed myself to think of them, it felt—and it still feels like—somebody just filleted my heart with a machete. It really started to sink in that I might not see either of them again.

I really do believe in the phrase ‘absence makes the hear grow fonder’ now. I cry every time I think of 511. Every time I dream of those amazing dark eyes of his, of his wonderful smile and amazing laugh, of his sense of humor, of the way that he would practically anticipate what was on my mind sometimes, of how on those rare chances when we would be on a mission together and we’d have off hours he’d do something really sweet for me like get me flowers or take me out on a real date, just…everything. God, why did this have to happen? Why? I wiped the tears from my eyes. I didn’t even realize until now that I had started to cry again. What did I tell you, huh? One thought about the only man that I have and ever will love and both of my eyes turn into Niagara Falls. But damnit, I want him with me!

I sighed and walked back to my chair. What can I do? I’ve been looking. Every town or city that I get into, I look around for 511. I know that I can only look around for him for so long, though, before my pregnancy will incapacitate me physically to the degree that will disable me from searching, at least temporarily. I do the best that I can, but I can’t help feeling that I could do more, which is logically a stupid thing to believe, but if you don’t like how I feel about this issue, I know about a million things that you can do with yourself and I’m sure that you can guess what at least some of them are. Look, if you’ve ever been deeply in love with somebody, you know that logic tends not to be a part about how you feel about your loved one. Trust me.

I heard some noises in the hallway and I waited almost tensely before I relaxed and blew my breath out in disappointment only a moment or so later. Damn, that one guy’s walk almost sounded like the one that 494 used as part of his cover on the Mexico mission. As much of a smart ass as 494 is, he’s the best friend that anybody could ask for. That’s right, I used the present tense. I know 494 is alive and out there somewhere. If there’s something that 494 has proved on more than one occasion, it’s his ability to get himself out of any situation.

As much as I believe that, I still miss him so much. How could I not? 494 has done so much for me. We went through those hellish six months of Psy Ops together after our twins and their unit bolted from Wyoming back in ’09. He was there for me and gave me my sense of control back right before the nightmare that was the first breeding program started. He could always make me laugh no matter how bad of a mood I was in. 494 was my…as ’09er-ish as this sounds, he was the closest thing to a brother that I’ve ever had.

I reached for a magazine that was on my coffee table and I couldn’t help laughing to myself. Same as always, Sasha, every time you get upset like this you go for a magazine and read. And I’m the only person in the apartment, too! Yikes, maybe this time on the Outside is starting to make me lose it. I shook my head and opened up the magazine. Get a grip on yourself already. I flipped through the pages until I found an article about a criminal trial. I always liked hearing about that kind of thing. After a few minutes, I started to read out loud a little bit. “…and after cross-examining the defendant, assistant D.A. Julia…” I started to read silently and smiled a little. Julia. That’s a beautiful name. If at least one of the babies is a girl, maybe I’ll give her that name.

It hit me as quickly as a direct hit from an M-16. “I can name her that,” I whispered. If I do have at least one baby girl, I can give her that name. I can give her a name! I can give both of the twins names. I can give them names, I can hold them when they are born, I can do everything! For the first time, it really sunk in that I could actually be a real mother to my unborn children. I wouldn’t have to give them up to or for anybody. I wasn’t going to watch them for afar at the absolute best, but I was going to be there for them every step of the way as much as a mother usually is. I felt giddiness rise up inside me and I jumped up from my seat.