What's Next? -- Chapter 19a

Disclaimer:  The TV show Dark Angel, all of the characters that appeared on it (Max, Zack, Alec, etc.), and everything else that has to do with the show belong to their respective owners, not to me.  No money is being made off of this fic.  I only own the original characters (Becky/X6-405, etc.).

Dennis turned off the TV and put the remote down several weeks later, sighing in frustration.  The days of actually finding something decent on must have gone away when the Pulse hit.  He stood up and walked outside and sat down on the porch swing that was out on his front porch and just stared out into the night.

It's an amazing night out.  I should be enjoying it somehow.  Maybe I should call Caroline or one of the kids or...  His eyes drifted and saw a family walking past his house, a young couple and two small children, a boy and a girl.  The parents waved cheerfully to Dennis and he waved back to them and he watched them go and when they were gone, he leaned forwards and buried his face in his hands.  That should have been...  He took a deep breath and tried to collect himself.  I've missed so much.  I missed so many years.

Dennis continued to look out at the neighborhood, but he couldn't derail his train of thought.  I've known about my children since May.  For those first few months, I was so worried and concerned about them.  I didn't want to be put in a position where Caroline and I would harm them in any way.  I wanted to protect them if I could.  Then we actually met them and we got to know each other a little bit and then a few months ago everything is resolved and we really started to get to know them.  I really got to know Zack and Becky.  It was--it is great.  I felt so relieved that everything was over and I was so happy that I was starting to have a real parent-child relationship with my own children.  But now...  Dennis blinked away the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes.  Now that everything's starting to settle down and fall into something of a normal pattern, it's really sinking in about how much I missed of their lives.  How much was stolen away by Manticore.

He shook his head.  Damn, I should have been there for everything in the lives that they should have had!  I should have been there when they were born.  I missed their first words.  I missed when they took their first steps.  I missed almost every single important moment in their lives.  Damnit, Zack's going to be a father himself in about five months and I can't even offer him any advice if he asks me for some!  This hurts so fucking much.  It really hurts.

Dennis sighed and closed his eyes.  As much as it hurts me to think about how much I missed of their lives, it hurts me so much more when I think about everything that they were denied growing up and everything that they went through.  All of the torture, all of the pain, if I had a clue where Lydecker was I'd personally beat him to within an inch of his life.  He snorted.  At least everybody knows what he did now.  If they see him on the street, they'll know this was the man who tortured my children and thousands of other innocent children and people!

He sat back.  I am happy that my life is settling down again.  It's been so crazy since May, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I've been happier in these last couple of months than I've ever been before since before...when was the last time I felt this happy and...complete?  Before I graduated from West Point?

Dennis thought back on his own life.  My life was always good.  I never had any brothers or sisters or much family in general, but my parents were amazing and then I met Simone when she transferred to my high school during senior year after she and her family moved to Baltimore from D.C.  I wanted to get into the Army and go to West Point and that's exactly what I did.  I was absolutely crazy about Simone and I asked her to marry me and as soon as I had graduated, we did get married.  I've had a lot of friends.  But something was always missing from my life.  He sighed.  I didn't become aware of it until the tail end of my marriage to Simone, but now that I think about it I've had that feeling for years.  At first I thought it was because I didn't have children.  Maybe that was part of it, but that feeling went away when I got here to Seattle and met back up with Caroline.  Just at that moment, before she told me about the kids, something just felt...brighter, clearer.  I felt happier.  I thought it was because I'd seen one of my best friends after years of being out of touch, but that wasn't it.  It never was.  He leaned back in the porch swing.  I love Caroline.  I truly love her.  She is the one that I should be with and that I've should have been with for all of these years.

He got up off of the swing and went back into the house.  I want to tell her, but how do you tell a friend, even a friend who's been through what Caroline has been through, that you love her as more than a friend?  Dennis couldn't help laughing to himself.  Yeah, there's an age old question for you.  The doorbell rang and he walked up to the door and answered it and smiled when he saw Zack standing at the front door.  "Hey.  Come on in."

"Thank you," Zack said.  He walked inside and took his jacket off and hung it up on the coat rack next to the door.  "I was in the neighborhood on my way back from work so I thought that I would drop by."

"That was nice of you," Dennis said.  "How is work?"

"Not bad," Zack said.  "I like my job.  Today I was doing some on-site planning for security for a private event at somebody's home."  He shrugged.  "Lots of executives and other rich people.  I'm glad I'm not scheduled to actually be there at the party.  I get bored beyond comprehension at those kinds of things."

"So do I," Dennis agreed.

Zack looked at his father.  "Are you okay, Dennis?"

"I've got a lot on my mind," Dennis admitted.

"What about?" Zack asked.

"A lot of things," Dennis said.  "You, your sister, your mother..."  He shook his head.  "Everything's catching up with me.  How much I've missed, how things should have been for you and Becky, it feels like everything's finally starting to sink in and it's killing me inside.  I should have been there.  I should have realized that something was very wrong and I should have found out about Manticore sooner and maybe done something about it.  I could have if I had found out sooner."

"I don't know if you could have done anything about it even if you had found out about Manticore years ago," Zack said.  "As high up in the chain of command as you are, there are still people higher up and a few of them were involved with Manticore in one way or another.  They would have done something to you the same way the tried to have something done to Caroline.  The only reason that Caroline found out about me and Manticore at all before White had the transgenics' existence exposed back in March was because of luck as well as the fact that her ex-husband had been careless."

Dennis nodded.  "I know.  You can know something with part of your mind but the rest of it sometimes takes a little while longer to catch up."

"True," Zack said. "I've been there."  He shrugged.  "I guess it's natural that things are catching up with you now.  It was bound to happen sooner or later."

"And your mother has been dealing with these feelings for eight or nine years now," Dennis agreed.  "I haven't experienced this yet."  He frowned.  "I wish that she hadn't had to go through what she did, either."  He sighed sadly.  "She told me that it felt like she had almost become a part of your world.  Hiding in her own way from husband and in turn from Manticore, worried about you..."

"I know," Zack agreed.  "I hope that you don't have to be a part of that world.  You're my father and you're a part of my life, but I don't want you to have anything to do with that part of my life any more than you have been already."

"Neither do I," Dennis said.  "We should focus on what's in front of us and not on what's behind us, anyway."  He shrugged.  "That's what I was at least trying to do.  Have you and Max talked about baby names or is it too early for you guys to think about it?"

"We haven't started choosing names yet," Zack said.  "We were thinking about starting to choose names maybe in two mon--"  He was cut off when his cell phone rang.  He took it out and looked at the number.  "Alec.  What's going on?"  His eyes grew hard.  "We'll be there."  He disconnected and turned to Dennis.  "Caroline's missing.  We need to get to Harbor Lights now."  Without another word, the two men raced out of the house and over to Dennis' car and they practically flew out of there.

TBC