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| Some people say that I am superficial, but that's only on the surface. |
| If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. |
| Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance! |
| No matter what happens just remember, someone will find a way to take it too seriously. |
| Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night. |
| The world is full of apathy, but I don't care. |
| Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish, an he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. |
| Don't squat with your spurs on. |
| What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds? |
| Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. |
| It's hard to tell if someone is being inconspicuous. |
| There's no such thing as nonexistance. |
| Your friends love you anyway. |
| Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. |
| Never lick a steak knife. |
| One of the most destructive forces on earth is gossip. |
| You're just jealous because the voices talk to me! |
| Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. |
| Remember that ametures built the ark; professionals built the Titanic. |
| A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on. |
| DAMM -- Drunks Against Madd Mothers (sorry, I know it's tasteless, but it's funny!) |
| Succeed in spite of management. |
| Don't drink and drive, you might spill some. |
| Heck yeah I'm drunk; What do you think I am, a stunt driver? |
| Artificial intelligence is no substitute for natural stupidity. |
| I have my doubts about disbelief. . . . |
| Avoid cliches like the plague. |
| Friends don't let friends drive naked. |
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| A plateau is the highest form of flattery. |
| Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like having a pee section in a pool? |
| Why is the fellow who invests your money called a broker? |
| If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? |
| If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? |
| What color of hair do they put on driver's licenses of bald men? |
| If a person who plays a piano is called a pianist, why is a person who drives a race car not called a racist? |