The Buffalo Theory

    As many people now know, alcohol kills brain cells; simple enough. However, most members of society do not realize that this phenomenon actually makes one more intelligent. You ask: "But, Ken, how is this so?" My answer is the increasingly popular Buffalo Theory.
     God was a very smart dude. It's like He had absolutely everything mapped out before building it. One example is survival of the fittest. He had the insight to make defensiveless animals such as buffalo travel in herds for protection. It doesn't take an Einstein to realize that with the herd configuration only the slowest, weakest animals would succomb to predators. By naturally "weeding-out" the weak and sick through predatation, the herd as a whole becomes stronger for these weak animals are not able to procreate or pass their weak genes on to the offspring. It was only the strongest and most fit of the herd that was allowed to continue with life and procreation.      Well, God being such a heavy brained individual saw the potential that this carried. He therefore created alcohol and our brain. Our brain cells are like buffalo and alcohol is like some bad-ass coyotes after them. Alcohol enters our system, travels to our brain, and catches all of our weak and useless brain cells. By the alcohol destroying these subordinate, inferior cells it is allowing our stronger and larger brain cells to shine in the glory of knowledge. The more alcohol we consume, the stronger our "herd" of brain cells becomes.
    Ah, but you may point out that the buffalo nearly became extinct due to predatation from the European-Americans. Good point, I must say. However, one must also keep in mind that I do not use narcotics nor support the use of such as a means of increasing brain power. Narcotics participate in the wastefull slaughter of brain cells. Mass slaughter of brain cell herds is only necessary when attempting to wipe out a particular trait so that it cannot accidentally be passed on to another herd.