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| Editorial Plee to Screech Dear Screech: O Dustin Diamond, Where Art Thou? How we remember -- as the members of that orphan generation, lodged uncomfortably between Generation X and the so-called Net-Generation/E-Generation/Generation-Y - sitting impatiently through "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and the "Super Mario Bros. Super Show" in anticipation of that zenith of Saturday-morning programming, that siren call of the boob tube, that one, that only, that "Saved by the Bell." Oh Screech, how we remember. Remember when Jessie got addicted to caffeine pills because she wanted to stay up late and study? Or when you and Zach and Slater decided to auction yourselves off as dates to raise money for new cheerleading outfits, and no one bid on Slater? Boy we do. And that one episode where Mr. Belding's younger brother showed up and you said: "Two Beldings in a building, one of whom is balding!" Hilarious. Without question, you were that show's highlight, Screech. Mark-Paul Gosselar as Zach Morris? Pffft. Mario Lopez as A.C. Slater? Bah. Lark Voorhies as Lisa Turtle? Please. You, Dustin Diamond, were "Saved by the Bell" - especially since you were the only actor brave enough to appear on every single spin-off and related show, including the 1987 precursor, "Good Morning Miss Bliss," with the unforgettable Haley Mills. But how far you have fallen since those halcyon days. At one time, "Saved by the Bell" was the first live action show on NBC's Saturday morning lineup. However, "Saved by the Bell: The College Years" lasted but half a season, and your collaboration with Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding, of course) was nothing if not painful, to watch. (At least you didn't try to break type and star in "Showgirls" a la Elizabeth Berkley.) And while NBC took a gamble on the TV movie "Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas," it just wasn't enough to resurrect your legendary character, or the show that played second fiddle to you. Just as fast as it arrived, it was all gone.. But we do not believe that all is lost, no sir. It is with great hope that we of the Oregon Commentator extend this offer to you: please come to Eugene and be our mascot. Make no mistake: you would join an illustrious list of OC mascots, from the 1998-99 heyday of Dr. Moe and Little Mookie to the 1999-2000 golden years of Viggy "Supafreak" James. You could become one of a select few hardy souls to grace not just the Nobody Asked Us, But… page, but Spew as well and even - on rare occasion - the front cover of the magazine itself. Have we got your attention? Are you thinking about it? You really should. Possible mascot duties include: wearing funny costumes for the amusement of our friends handing out copies of our magazine at UO sporting events writing obscene letters to the editor of the Ol' Dirty Emerald re-enacting scenes from "Saved by the Bell," while we take turns playing Zach and Jessie and the rest of the gang. It is true that we do not have a lot of money to offer. But then again, you do not have a lot of job prospects. However, our editor does have a big, comfy couch, not too many ants, and a house along a convenient bus line. We'll try our damndest to get you laid, too - after all, there's a first time for everything, right? Maybe next year we can go before the ASUO Programs Finance Council and try to scrounge up some spending cash for you. Sure, we'd have to scrimp and save, but it would be worth it to us. If it came down to supporting you or buying a new toner cartridge for the office laser printer, we'd opt for you - and make you shoplift us a toner cartridge. Consider the facts: According to the Internet Movie Database, sometime in 2001 you will appear in a film called "Jane White Is Sick and Twisted," with Wil Wheaton and Phil LaMarr. Who?* Exactly! Come on Screech - er, Dustin -what's better: Doing low-budget straight-to-video crap, or traveling to scenic Eugene, Oregon, in search of a brighter future? Think of the fun we could have: from getting hammered and crashing Student Senate meetings to getting hammered and crashing University Senate meetings. Only one thing could make it even better: showing up with our mascot, Dustin Diamond in tow. So think it over. And don't call us; we'll (possibly) call you. Sincerely, Board of Directors, Oregon Commentator |
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