"Shove a pine cone up his ass, show him who's boss"

"Fears hold you back from living life so try not to fear anything.........except fat people and spiders."

"What do you mean not road safe?!?..... Its just missing the floorboard.."

"We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"My grandmother is 90, she's dating a man 93. They never argue, they can't hear each other"

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper" - Nics Dad

"Guns dont kill people, People kill people the guns are there alibi."

more coming soon...maybe